Figuratively paroled, that is...
After nine years of undeserved punishment in the mental prison of social phobia, including at least two years of solitary confinement, I have finaly been paroled and am now residing in a correctional half-way house to serve out my probationary period!
All of this is due to my recent CBT work and the assistance (offered or otherwise) of people on this website and several other support forums. Without you guys I couldn't have done it so soon, if it all.
My social phobia has taken a serious blow and is falling apart at the joints. In the last few days I made four new acquaintances whom I spontaneously met in a club, and on the street. One was in fact a girl from my neighborhood who I thought hated me. I have no consistent, overwhelming anxiety of meeting people, even though I have no friends and am still a "loser". It comes and goes and has mostly been gone for long periods of time even when I am sober.
I met a girl at a club and danced with her the entire night, then hung out with her friends aftewards. I didnt end up getting her and she didnt want to see me again. I felt crushed for a day. But I bounced back, and the important thing is I WAS MYSELF, and I had as much success as always, maybe more.
I have not lied to a single one of these people. Absolutely all of them know the truth about me. I tell them what I do in my free time (be a dork on the computer, skate, and party). I tell them Ive been depressed until very recently. I tell them it all. Ive had a number of very important thinking-transitions and many of my old phobophillic beliefs have been replaced with more reasonable ones. It remains to be seen if I can actually hold down a friendship or if I will prove to anxious to let others close enough. Whatever the case, the overwhelming fear of being discovered to be a loser is gone. Im not sure I realy am a loser anyway.
I would like to detail my transition in thinking. Here are my new beliefs:
1. It's highly likely that my unacceptable behavior, life-problems, and mental faults, are the direct result of my Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder, Performance Focused Social Phobias, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and OCD. I aim to prove this and am gearing up for the first and hopefuly final major assault on my disorders (hence my warfare avatar).
2. Other people are not qualified to judge me unless they've been in my shoes.
3. My disorders are neurologicaly based and formed by traumas. Therefore, they aren't my fault anymore than kidney disease or type-2 diabetes is anyone's fault.
4. If other people criticize me it will be VERY embarrassing, but I still have at least some self-worth, because a person's value can only come from inside.
5. I am not supposed to be anything except alive and fighting my Social Phobia like hell. This is a life-threatening illness that can, and does, ruin people's lives and can lead to suicide. It's a wonderful thing that I am still alive. I casually had planned to kill myself if my problems weren't resolved by age 21. When youre living like this, every day you aren't dead or suffering extreme pain is a miracle. The **** with a career and other people's standards. Im sick and I wont live like this, I need to get better or my life is over FOR REAL. And that's why Im not supposed to be anything except alive and fighting to get better, day by day.
After nine years of undeserved punishment in the mental prison of social phobia, including at least two years of solitary confinement, I have finaly been paroled and am now residing in a correctional half-way house to serve out my probationary period!
All of this is due to my recent CBT work and the assistance (offered or otherwise) of people on this website and several other support forums. Without you guys I couldn't have done it so soon, if it all.My social phobia has taken a serious blow and is falling apart at the joints. In the last few days I made four new acquaintances whom I spontaneously met in a club, and on the street. One was in fact a girl from my neighborhood who I thought hated me. I have no consistent, overwhelming anxiety of meeting people, even though I have no friends and am still a "loser". It comes and goes and has mostly been gone for long periods of time even when I am sober.
I met a girl at a club and danced with her the entire night, then hung out with her friends aftewards. I didnt end up getting her and she didnt want to see me again. I felt crushed for a day. But I bounced back, and the important thing is I WAS MYSELF, and I had as much success as always, maybe more.
I have not lied to a single one of these people. Absolutely all of them know the truth about me. I tell them what I do in my free time (be a dork on the computer, skate, and party). I tell them Ive been depressed until very recently. I tell them it all. Ive had a number of very important thinking-transitions and many of my old phobophillic beliefs have been replaced with more reasonable ones. It remains to be seen if I can actually hold down a friendship or if I will prove to anxious to let others close enough. Whatever the case, the overwhelming fear of being discovered to be a loser is gone. Im not sure I realy am a loser anyway.
I would like to detail my transition in thinking. Here are my new beliefs:
1. It's highly likely that my unacceptable behavior, life-problems, and mental faults, are the direct result of my Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder, Performance Focused Social Phobias, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and OCD. I aim to prove this and am gearing up for the first and hopefuly final major assault on my disorders (hence my warfare avatar).
2. Other people are not qualified to judge me unless they've been in my shoes.
3. My disorders are neurologicaly based and formed by traumas. Therefore, they aren't my fault anymore than kidney disease or type-2 diabetes is anyone's fault.
4. If other people criticize me it will be VERY embarrassing, but I still have at least some self-worth, because a person's value can only come from inside.
5. I am not supposed to be anything except alive and fighting my Social Phobia like hell. This is a life-threatening illness that can, and does, ruin people's lives and can lead to suicide. It's a wonderful thing that I am still alive. I casually had planned to kill myself if my problems weren't resolved by age 21. When youre living like this, every day you aren't dead or suffering extreme pain is a miracle. The **** with a career and other people's standards. Im sick and I wont live like this, I need to get better or my life is over FOR REAL. And that's why Im not supposed to be anything except alive and fighting to get better, day by day.
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