"Shush! but ... why are you so quiet?"

[myheartisastone]

This is an annoying habit my sister seems to have when i'm around her in public, or on the bus where she lives or something. I've noticed that it's usually, it's in a social situation, and when i'm alone with her, it's not as common. A little backstory: she's 3 years younger than me, so. Not sure that matters.

So, we're on the bus and the few times i've went to NY to visit her, she does this thing where she asks me a question and then sometimes when I go to respond, she goes "shh!" like i'm talking too loud (which I am not, I am a very quiet person, my voice is very rarely loud unless I want it to be). So, I can be talking in a perfectly normal voice, or she'll continue talking while just having "shh"'d me. Or, one time she asked me a question and I went to respond and she "shhd" me and made me feel like she didn't want me to talk, or she'll cut me off while talking.

I don't actually know why she does this, but from what I can gather or guess, it's because she cares more about everyone's perceived judgment of her more than she cares about my feelings. (Don't ask me why people would "judge" her or even care about two people talking in a perfectly normal voice, but yea)

And then sometimes (not all the time) she'll ask me why i'm quiet. Most of the time she's much more critical about me when even complete strangers are around. I am not sure if she intends to do this or even notices it, but when i'm around her, I notice I feel badly about myself and she actually makes me anxious.

I find it rude and condescending.

Why am I quiet? really? you need to ask?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I don't actually know why she does this, but from what I can gather or guess, it's because she cares more about everyone's perceived judgment of her more than she cares about my feelings. (Don't ask me why people would "judge" her or even care about two people talking in a perfectly normal voice, but yea)

Have you tried talking to her about this?

 

[myheartisastone]

Have you tried talking to her about this?

nope. waiting for the right time.

 

[jaim38]

My brother does this to me too. He would ask me a question in public in a low voice and when I respond in a normal voice he tells me I'm being loud so I have to whisper or somethin. So I get the impression that maybe I'm being a bit loud. But when I am in class and speaking to a teacher or classmate, they had to strain their ears to hear me. I get comments like "Speak up", "you're so quiet", etc.

What I do is I try to be quiet around my brother but outside, I have to train myself to be louder.

 

[myheartisastone]

I also get the feeling that my sister looks down on me for some reason, not sure why though. Just the certain things she says and does.

 

[akala]

Wow this is kind of like my sister, she's the more outgoing of the two of us. Sometimes she'll tell me to not sit beside her on the bus, so this has happened for years, and I could be wrong with what I think but my sister seems to think I come across as needy, and so she sort of steps on me when given the chance because it makes her feel better about herself. She tries to put me down but I figured out that it was because of a control issue she has. Everything must go her way... so maybe your situation might be different idk but I think you shouldn't let her do that to you, you can always speak up when you feel like it. The next time she does that you can ask her "why are you doing that?". And I think if anyone looks down on you it's because they feel inadequate about themselves, not because of you...

so I made a lot of assumptions without knowing what your sister is really like, but I hope this can help you because she kinda sounds like my sister

 

[jc972]

Sounds very immature to me for her to constantly do this in public, as if she is trying to make a scene. I couldn't deal with that.

 

[Lamb]

So, we're on the bus and the few times i've went to NY to visit her, she does this thing where she asks me a question and then sometimes when I go to respond, she goes "shh!" like i'm talking too loud (which I am not, I am a very quiet person, my voice is very rarely loud unless I want it to be). So, I can be talking in a perfectly normal voice, or she'll continue talking while just having "shh"'d me. Or, one time she asked me a question and I went to respond and she "shhd" me and made me feel like she didn't want me to talk, or she'll cut me off while talking.

When she shushes you, is your tone of voice usually louder than hers?
Have you ever tried interrupting her while she's talking?

Honestly, that would be upsetting to me and it sounds a bit rude. Perhaps she doesn't intentionally mean for it to come across that way. Confront her about it, see if she has a perceived fear of some sort.

 

[sahxox]

sounds immature and rude to me. My sister (2 years junior) can tend to bring me down a bit... not so much anymore, we've talked about it and she's becoming a better sister consequently. However it is probably motivated by her own insecurities... I never thought of it like this, until other family members pointed it out. Even my sister did at one stage. Are you going better than her in a particular aspect of life?

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't know if I'm mistaken, but I remember another thread like this about your sister... So it seems to really bother you. Do you see her often?

I think talking to her about it is the best idea, if you don't see her that much maybe you can write an e-mail to her (your ideas might be clearer in an e-mail since you can take the time to formulate it properly). Or get angry at her when she does, she should understand as well.

But once you did, if she's not receptive, if I was you I would just shrug it really. Especially if you don't see her every week. Of course we just have your version, but according to your posts your sister seems kind of annoying and childish, it doesn't mean she's a bad person, but you shouldn't let this get to you.

 

[myheartisastone]

When she shushes you, is your tone of voice usually louder than hers?
Have you ever tried interrupting her while she's talking?

Honestly, that would be upsetting to me and it sounds a bit rude. Perhaps she doesn't intentionally mean for it to come across that way. Confront her about it, see if she has a perceived fear of some sort.

No, my voice isn't loud, and not louder than hers. I think it's because she just likes controlling things and making me feel bad.

 

[myheartisastone]

Wow this is kind of like my sister, she's the more outgoing of the two of us. Sometimes she'll tell me to not sit beside her on the bus, so this has happened for years, and I could be wrong with what I think but my sister seems to think I come across as needy, and so she sort of steps on me when given the chance because it makes her feel better about herself. She tries to put me down but I figured out that it was because of a control issue she has. Everything must go her way... so maybe your situation might be different idk but I think you shouldn't let her do that to you, you can always speak up when you feel like it. The next time she does that you can ask her "why are you doing that?". And I think if anyone looks down on you it's because they feel inadequate about themselves, not because of you...

so I made a lot of assumptions without knowing what your sister is really like, but I hope this can help you because she kinda sounds like my sister

Yea.

I am kind of a doormat sometimes so I don't say anything because it catches me off guard.

 

[myheartisastone]

When she shushes you, is your tone of voice usually louder than hers?
Have you ever tried interrupting her while she's talking?

Honestly, that would be upsetting to me and it sounds a bit rude. Perhaps she doesn't intentionally mean for it to come across that way. Confront her about it, see if she has a perceived fear of some sort.

"Have you ever tried interrupting her while she's talking?"

Nope, i'm the "listener". Everyone seems to interupt me when i'm talking, to the point it makes me feel like no one cares about what I have to say.

 

[R3K]

ah...I remember your sister problems from a previous post . sounds like she's still using you as her own emotional backboard. I probably already said it before, but I think you should retort everytime she does/says anything to you that's condescending. just little check moves to keep her from developing a comfortable pattern of sister abuse.

 

[Biev]

Personally, I would practice replying with "Getting shushed is really annoying" every time she does it, whether in public or not. But I'd say it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm angry, more like I'm just pointing out a bad habit for her sake. Kinda like when my boyfriend tells me "You're biting your nails again." We don't have to fight over it. Either I take my fingers out of my mouth or I explain why I won't, and that's it. We can just go right back to talking about puppies or whatever.

The point of saying that is so people around you notice that she is doing it. By phrasing it that way, you're pretty much just stating a fact. Most people would agree that being shushed is annoying. By drawing people's attention to what she is doing, you take away the advantage that she would have gained by doing it. The idea is that she'll eventually stop, since it serves no purpose.

It's something that works only through repetition, and only if you're not overreacting and causing a scene. Whatever happens, you're the normal one, here. Then if she flies off the handle on her own, you can be just as surprised as anyone else.

It's just a suggestion, but little things like these tend to work well for me. It won't change a person's overall demeanor, but small improvements end up making a big difference down the road.

(I hope I don't sound preachy. I really didn't expect to give so much advice by joining here, but when I read about others suffering through similar experiences, I just really want to help.)

 

[myheartisastone]

Personally, I would practice replying with "Getting shushed is really annoying" every time she does it, whether in public or not. But I'd say it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm angry, more like I'm just pointing out a bad habit for her sake. Kinda like when my boyfriend tells me "You're biting your nails again." We don't have to fight over it. Either I take my fingers out of my mouth or I explain why I won't, and that's it. We can just go right back to talking about puppies or whatever.

The point of saying that is so people around you notice that she is doing it. By phrasing it that way, you're pretty much just stating a fact. Most people would agree that being shushed is annoying. By drawing people's attention to what she is doing, you take away the advantage that she would have gained by doing it. The idea is that she'll eventually stop, since it serves no purpose.

It's something that works only through repetition, and only if you're not overreacting and causing a scene. Whatever happens, you're the normal one, here. Then if she flies off the handle on her own, you can be just as surprised as anyone else.

It's just a suggestion, but little things like these tend to work well for me. It won't change a person's overall demeanor, but small improvements end up making a big difference down the road.

(I hope I don't sound preachy. I really didn't expect to give so much advice by joining here, but when I read about others suffering through similar experiences, I just really want to help.)

Yea, i'll try that, but I have a feeling that won't really work.

She isn't generally a mean person, but she can be (as well as condesending). When I'm with her (usually in public or around anyone else), she makes me feel like I do everything wrong, even when i'm really not. It's kind of insulting and makes me feel bad; she's hyper critical of me usually about the most minute details.

Even when referring me to the therapist she saw (whom doesn't seem to be helping so far), she told me to email him and she:

- TOLD me what to say (didn't really ask or assume i've already knew what to say);
- asked to see the email/reply after i've sent it. Little odd things like that.

I find it insulting because a) I know how to write an email, I can communicate, I can do all these things, but I feel bad and doubt myself when i'm around her.

 

[Biev]

I can totally relate, my dad is like that. Even now that we have been living apart for 17 years and have a generally good relationship, he'll wait until there's an audience to tell me I've gained weight or something.