Self-Pity

[Opaline]

Do you catch yourself when you're feeling sorry for yourself? What, if anything, do you do to get yourself out of that mindset? Anything that really works well for you?

I hate self-pity in others and even myself, but I do catch myself behaving that way anyway. I'm sick of it. I don't think it's based on nothing - I do have some real problems in my life. But who doesn't? I don't want to wallow in the victim mentality. It's draining anyway. Waiting for someone to validate it or be your hero, or justify your negative attitude.

So how do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? What about the negative feelings underneath? (and I mean an immediate - if temporary - fix, not some long therapy or something)

 

[Roman Legion]

Self-hatred is my problem, not so much pity.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think we all suffer from this from time to time. The question is: "Has it affected your life?" Sometimes I spend far to much time wallowing in my pain. But, I try to catch myself and move forward.
i.e I'm unhappy with my lack of career, relationship status, appearance. Solution: I'm working out at the gym, taking a college course and applying to companies in a field that I want to work in.

 

[Aron]

Raj from BBT: "I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me."

 

[Starry]

There's nothing wrong with feeling self-pity every now and again... It's not really that different from feeling pity for others and nobody has a problem with that... It's only a problem when it drags on and consumes you. Pity for yourself or for others should move you towards taking action to remedy the situation as best you can. If it cannot be remedied it should move you towards trying to ease the suffering felt...

When you feel that way, live with it for a while, let it fill you for a while, feel sympathy for yourself and treat yourself better. Then it will either subside on its own, or you can start taking steps to remove it, perhaps by reaching out and helping others.

 

[hidwell]

Not many people know this but I have an advanced degree in Self Pity at the University of Apathy.

 

[KiaKaha]

Self pity is the one trait that is not tolerated particularly well. It is frustrating, people repelling and self indulgent - and the majority of people will refuse to validate it, as it is particularly evident on the forum.
However the underlying feeling of why self pity occurs I think needs to be addressed properly - as I believe this is the only way to start helping a person begin to heal. We all have pain, we have all done things wrong and we have all been treated unkindly - some of us much more than others. Rather than shrug off self pity as self indulgent and pathetic, perhaps the question needs to be asked why is this person feeling self pity in the first place? Why does this person have a (perceived) sense of being a victim? Understanding a person first - gives a right to help - not berating them for feeling the way that they do.

 

[selon]

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen - YouTube

I try to find inspirational videos, quotes etc... it's not a long-term fix but it lifts my mood ...

 

[Luka]

That's something I would like to know myself too.

 

[Phoenixx]

There's nothing wrong with feeling self-pity every now and again... It's not really that different from feeling pity for others and nobody has a problem with that... It's only a problem when it drags on and consumes you. Pity for yourself or for others should move you towards taking action to remedy the situation as best you can. If it cannot be remedied it should move you towards trying to ease the suffering felt...

When you feel that way, live with it for a while, let it fill you for a while, feel sympathy for yourself and treat yourself better. Then it will either subside on its own, or you can start taking steps to remove it, perhaps by reaching out and helping others.

^ Agreed. Well said, Starry. Lately I've been stuck wallowing in self-pity. The kind that consumes you yet you do nothing about it. I hate that, and I do find myself stuck in it from time to time.

I'm finally working on getting out of that rut. It always takes me a while, but it's better to take baby steps than to do nothing.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

^Agreed too

But to answer your question concretely, self-pity has been out of my life since I started acting like life is a big fight against destiny. And to be able to get this attitude towards events you need to get rid of depression by every ways that you can find.

 

[Opaline]

Rather than shrug off self pity as self indulgent and pathetic, perhaps the question needs to be asked why is this person feeling self pity in the first place? Why does this person have a (perceived) sense of being a victim? Understanding a person first - gives a right to help - not berating them for feeling the way that they do.

Maybe you're right. I do think too much self-pity is annoying and doesn't gain the sympathy of anyone - not to mention some people live to feel sorry for themselves. But yes, even if we find it annoying maybe we should still try to be understanding because most people are feeling bad due to some kind of pain they're struggling with.

 

[Sial Axetder]

^Agreed too

But to answer your question concretely, self-pity has been out of my life since I started acting like life is a big fight against destiny. And to be able to get this attitude towards events you need to get rid of depression by every ways that you can find.

The bold; that's the exact answer to a lot of our problems.
Work on the depression and things start to fall into place.

Self pity, work on the depression and get rid of it. Your self pity will diminish to a dull roar barely thought about.

 

[coyote]

But to answer your question concretely, self-pity has been out of my life since I started acting like life is a big fight against destiny. And to be able to get this attitude towards events you need to get rid of depression by every ways that you can find.

The bold; that's the exact answer to a lot of our problems.
Work on the depression and things start to fall into place.

Self pity, work on the depression and get rid of it. Your self pity will diminish to a dull roar barely thought about.

the difficult thing is that so many people suffering from depression seem to have trouble recognizing that their own thinking might not be as clear and rational as it seems to themselves

so when you try to suggest to them that there might be something wrong with their thinking - because it is being affected by a treatable physiological condition (and you even suggest various approaches to overcoming it) - they turn your suggestions into another incidence of of being victimized

 

[Sial Axetder]

the difficult thing is that so many people suffering from depression seem to have trouble recognizing that their own thinking might not be as clear and rational as it seems to themselves

so when you try to suggest to them that there might be something wrong with their thinking - because it is being affected by a treatable physiological condition (and you even suggest various approaches to overcoming it) - they turn your suggestions into another incidence of of being victimized

So what are you saying or suggesting? Should we not give advice such as we did? Is this why the best advice one can give is their own to themselves? Because they won't accept others' advice? How can we word our words properly so not to give way to a victimized onslaught?

 

[coyote]

So what are you saying or suggesting? Should we not give advice such as we did? Is this why the best advice one can give is their own to themselves? Because they won't accept others' advice? How can we word our words properly so not to give way to a victimized onslaught?

good questions

when encouragement and motivation are interpreted as criticism and dismissal it's hard to know what to say

maybe we should just post funny cat pictures :idontknow:

 

[KiaKaha]

good questions

when encouragement and motivation are interpreted as criticism and dismissal it's hard to know what to say

maybe we should just post funny cat pictures :idontknow:

I think it's probably because the person who is feeling distressed needs compassion for the way they feel first and an understanding of why they feel the way they do, before encouragement and motivation is interpreted correctly. It is well known in counselling that cathartic expression is key in healing people.

 

[bcsr]

I think it's probably because the person who is feeling distressed needs compassion for the way they feel first and an understanding of why they feel the way they do, before encouragement and motivation is interpreted correctly. It is well known in counselling that cathartic expression is key in healing people.

Actually, studies have shown cathartic expression serves to increase the negative emotions, not relieve them. Especially when all one does is complain and never take any initiative to improve

 

[coyote]

I think it's probably because the person who is feeling distressed needs compassion for the way they feel first and an understanding of why they feel the way they do, before encouragement and motivation is interpreted correctly. It is well known in counselling that cathartic expression is key in healing people.

can you give me some examples of things to say that would indicate my compassion for people - beyond my interest in listening to them and helping them?

i am open to suggestions - i'm not a licensed therapist or anything. my degree is in fine art

i am a compassionate person, but my focus tends to be on solving problems rather than making people feel good about themselves - my own social anxiety has probably been the reason for that

i am trying to get better at it

so far, i've learned a few jokes