Self-harm - Advice please?

T

Taciturn

Member
Hello,

I just wanted some advice on what to do about this. So sorry it's long but please read?

Prior to a job interview, I was called in for a work trial for a kitchen team member position (ugh, the word 'team'! :mad:) . So I went to it and I was so scared but there was only two other kitchen workers (both male) so then I thought it was going to be okay. But I was so nervous and I knew they could tell. They were being really nice too but I must have looked like such a miserable idiot to them, that's why I feel so bad. It was just basic catering stuff they were teaching me but I just couldn't relax and was too scared to ask questions. Everytime I was asked to do something, I started shaking from head to toe or I would start breathing fast and it was obvious to them. I felt so stupid. I couldn't even finish the trial and I just had to get out of that kitchen so I told them that I couldn't do it, it just wasn't for me and I also told them (don't know what I was thinking) about how I get like this in social situations (told them a bit TOO much, I fear). They said I was free to go so I did and just felt so angry at myself about how I couldn't even do such a simple thing and I couldn't stop thinking that the two other workers were probably laughing at me while I walked home.

On my way home, I knew there was just one thing I wanted to do. It just seems the usual, automatic response that follows a horrible situation. As sson as I got home, I cut and cut my thighs until I couldn't feel a thing anymore. The blood wouldn't stop and my body was shaking but I felt good while the sting kept going. And then I woke up today feeling disgusting and guilty as ever.

I don't have any friends but I have a cousin I am quite close to. I have told her about my SH but she thinks I haven't done it for like a year now. Should I tell her it started again? I don't really want to unburden my problems on her, it's not fair. Please, please has anyone been in this situation and what else can I do? I'm sick of the fact that I love the pain and I can't stop the SH. What can I do?

Thank you
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
oh gosh, sorry to hear about it

please find a good counsellor who specializes for this, there is a lot of stuff online too.. articles or special support sites...

catering and kitchens can be scary, please don't be too hard on yourself.. some people can do better in different environments, I know I'd probably not do well in a kitchen or waitressing or such either.. it may be 'simple' for some people, and 'not so simple' for others..

when we got a new kitchen I was very distracted with everything, buttons were in a 'wrong' position etc. It took time to learn and adapt to it (and only because I had to, I really hated it at first) You probably don't have to deal with those people anymore, so just focus on your health and getting better...

Maybe you will get a much better job anyway - or at least a different one and easier to do!!
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
oh, and people mostly just think about themselves and their own problems... some may be compassionate and sympathetic too, if they remembered what it was like to be new somewhere...

and even if they laugh, what's it to you? laughter prolongs life, some comedians get paid millions of dollars to make people laugh and would envy you for this!!
they had no idea or knowledge if you were doing it on purpose (to 'dodge' the job) or if you were really bad off.. and if they're the kind of people who laugh at others' misfortune, what does it make them?

but please get help for sa and the s-h...
for sa, in addition, maybe the 'Step by Step' program could be good?
 
agoraphobickatie

agoraphobickatie

Well-known member
feathers gave some great advice and true kind words :)

you should definitely talk to your cousin, it could benefit you to get that out of your system. don't think of it as unleashing it on her, everyone has to have someone to talk to, i'm sure she feels she can talk with you if she needs it or maybe someone else.. for the most part, people are understanding, ya know?

and feathers was right about the kitchen thing... it can really be hard for some people, even if they don't have any SA or anxiety! those kinds of jobs are always high stress.. and you said those guys were being nice, if they had the decency to be kind, then i'm sure they just brushed it off.. again, like feathers said, most people worry about themselves (just like you were) and how they come off to others, too much to spend a lot of time worrying about anyone else...

as far as your SH, i do hope you can find someone/something good to help you with your situation and guilt.. it is SO common, there are tons of people who can understand and help you out. don't feel alone and don't give up. best wishes to you :)
 
mismeek

mismeek

Well-known member
I agree with miss Feathers.. you should definitely talk to someone, because you wouldn't want to accidently cut to deep one day and nick an artery. You should be proud of yourself for even being able to GO to the interview.. I probably wouldn't have :) You should dwell on your mistakes mam.. be happy that you made it as far as you did! Good Job!

I'm sure the people were not thinking that you were in idiot..you said so yourself, they were being really nice, so that probably means that they knew you were a bit nervous and wanted to help.

As for telling your cousin about your cutting.. its always nice to be able to talk to someone. If you don't want to burden her.. you can talk to me too :) Im a great listener and I'm always here to help.

I dunno if this will help you out or not.. but maybe you should try replacing the cutting with rubber band popping. I know someone whos done that. My friend cut herself so she could focus on the pain rather than the anxiety.. she just keeps a rubber band around her wrist and snapped when she felt anxious. It would be a lot safer for you.

Hope Ive helped you a bit.. message me sometime if you would like to talk :)
 
Emmaa

Emmaa

Well-known member
First off, congratulations for even going to the interview! Working under stress is bad enough, throw in a couple of strangers who know exactly what they're doing and it's a pretty tough situation for a normal person, let alone someone who suffers from anxiety.. Not sure I could've done it! So well done.

With regards to the self-harming issue, I'm afraid I can't offer you any more advice than those above me but I think that accepting that you have a problem with it is always the first step to making a change, so again, well done. I think a counsellor might be a good idea, but if you're anything like me then even having to talk to someone who is a trained professional is scary! So I would start of by telling your cousin and then at least you're sharing the burden. And remember, people are always here on this site to talk to you :)
 
B

bobdole

New member
From what I've read, people use the physical pain of cutting to distract them from their emotional problems. I'd get into meditation if I were you. Whenever I'm stressed out I just use one of my breathing techniques and 10 seconds later I'm fine.

I highly recommended these books

Amazon.com: Wherever You Go, There You Are (ROUGH CUT) (9781401307783): Jon Kabat-Zinn: Books

Amazon.com: Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life (9780553351392): Thich Nhat Hanh, Arnold Kotler, H. H. the Dalai Lama: Books
 
Mokkat

Mokkat

Well-known member
Im sorry that you had such a bad time trying out "teamwork" :(

I generally see cutting as an alternative to getting drunk, doing drugs of some sort, etc. I have a "ritual" of scratching skin off the sides and lower side of my thumbs till it bleeds, when im nervous or frustrated - the dopamin is wonderful.

I recommend that you find a professional to contact, or contact people in the chat on this site as an alternative to cutting yourself.

edit: or simply find a kindred cutting spirit on this site to discuss the issue with, the most depressing factor is believing you are alone
 
kihira

kihira

1
Taciturn said:
I couldn't stop thinking that the two other workers were probably laughing at me while I walked home.
Click to expand...

I've worked in kitchens with nervous new workers and have been like that myself, I've never seen anyone laughed at because of it. Most people understand nervousness and can relate to it on some level. Try not to feel bad about what happened and definitely seek some help with this and the SH. Maybe start with a visit to your GP and say just what you have said here?
 
T

Taciturn

Member
Thank you all so much for your posts. Yes I realise I was being silly about them laughing at me, they're not 10 after all ::eek:: I do feel a lot better having got it off my chest. As for counselling, I have tried it for approximately 3 years, on and off and it's just not for me.

But I am so glad I have this site now and so after much consideration, I don't think I will tell my cousin, just for the fact that I think deep down she knows about the SH. he knows that's what I would do and she really doesn't need to hear it for the amount of times I have told her before. It feels great that I can tell you people about it and not feel alone so thanks! :D
 
scoobycrawler

scoobycrawler

Well-known member
I am also too nervous at work and im a 26 year old and I still get too nervous like that and I can't hold down a job and its just too hard for me to do so right now. I also cut my arms, well I did a few years ago kinda like you cut your legs because I did it really hard with a steak knife and yea I had slashes up and down my arms and people could see them and you know what you don't need to feel giulty because its your body but honestly you probably don't want anymore scars then you already have. Maybe you should stop listening to that need to work and must have a job and try to get yourslef into a position that's comfortable inside yourslef and stop worrying about money and clothing and food and just work on being who you are. Be patient so you don't get mad at yourslef again because nothing is worth getting that mad over you are a good person and stuff don't let anyone make you think otherwise because this life isn't forever and nobody should have to be that angry and themsleves ever. Seriously I know this is a long response but I just don't want you to blame yourslef for what others have done to you. Its not your fault your hurting yourslef its because nobody it treating you with anything real and honestly you must not hurt yourslef for them anymore. Seriously again don't worry you could get a job anywhere but you have to be ready inside so if someone tries to force you tell them to **** themselves...
 
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