Scary sexual intrusive thoughts

[Confused123]

Hello,

I need to write to see if anyone else has the same problem that I have. To give a little background, about 8 years ago I started to have intrusive thoughts about hurting others. As the years progressed the thoughts started to go into other aspects, not just hurting others. There is not a moment of the day that I do not fear something. Lately (last 5 years or so) I have been having serious sexual harmful intrusive thoughts about children which scares the HELL out of me. I know i am not that type of person but these thoughts just will not go away. I am unable to even be alone in a room near a child I get so anxious and disgusted at myself I practically have to run out of the room because I fear I will not knowingly do something and everyone in my life will be ashamed of me and I will go to prison for the rest of my life. One thing that upsets me more than anything is that anytime I get out of a situation i.e. (thoughts when around a child) I fear that I DID do something and my mind makes up scenarios that I start believing and therefore I freak out for the whole day thinking that I actually did harm a child. This is all so confusing I have been to psychologists and told them this. I have never been officially diagnosed with anything, not too sure if this would be an OCD issue or not. I pray and pray that it is only that and it is actually not me being a pedophile(biggest fear). I have been on Fluoxetine(Prozac) for the last couple of years it helps a little bit with the depression component but not so much the anxiety. I am in a constant state of fear but I now have to deal with this because I have a baby on the way and I really could not stand having these thoughts around my own child. I guess my main question is does anyone else ever get that after thoughts of harming someone and freak out that they think they did something and it takes forever to finally convince yourself that you didn't do anything? And did anything you did/take make these thoughts go away? Although I would hate for anyone else to go through this because I would not wish this on my worst enemy, it would bring me some comfort to know I am not the only one with the after thoughts. Thank you in advance to your replies.

 

[Jack Blue]

It is good you are seeking advice for this kind of thing, any type of unwanted and intrusive thoughts can be extremely frightening. First of all, you said you have had thoughts about hurting others for the past 8 years. From what I gather, you have not acted too strongly on these impulses thus far and I think that really says something great about your character.. your conscience is definitely in the right place. With that said, I definitely think this is an issue you should talk about with a therapist or someone you trust. Intrusive thoughts are symptoms of various types of OCD, so you might be able to get some medication if this happens to be the problem.
Also, just as a side note, keep in mind that sometimes humans get an ugly thought in their head that is incredibly hard to shake out, even if it may not be true or logical. (consider all the various phobias and mental disorders out there) When you have these intrusive thoughts, try doing something that relaxes you such as listening to your favorite music or just watching TV, try not to obsess over the scary thoughts.. but that is just my opinion

Take care and good luck

 

[Feathers]

Hey Confused, there are some people online, on OCD forums, with SOCD and similar thoughts to yours... (if you google SOCD OCD forums, have you looked at that forum yet?) It does sound a lot like OCD, but please go see a counsellor for this - someone who specializes in OCD, especially this type... Have you talked to any specialized therapist about this yet? (Some psychologists may not know much, it also depends what they studied or specialized in.)

Have you done any CBT or such to work on the depression? Have you done any nutritional changes? There are different ways you can combat the depression and OCD. Just meds is usually not enough...
Have you tried if it's better if you eat tuna or take fish oil, or some minerals/vitamins like magnesium or food rich with magnesium and omega 3? my thoughts kinda stop and go more coherent if I eat right (Also might wanna check for any food sensitivities and keep a food/mood/thought journal?)

Expecting a baby can also be a very stressful time, for me, some OCD thoughts were usually strong when I was stressed out.. Is there anything you can do to reduce stress in other areas? (I know having these thoughts is stressful too..)
most people who really wanna do harm don't worry about it.. you sound like a caring person.. you might need to work on some things...

my OCD thoughts have been a bit different, but it was very helpful to recognize them as OCD thoughts lol.. to read about it and get informed.. to read what other people do and say to themselves.. (some of that was helpful, some not so very much, so be selective and see what works)

Is it any better if there's another person with you to 'monitor' you? (And could you trust anyone enough to ask/tell you if they thought you were behaving in an 'inappropriate' way?)
Do you have a job where you're in contact with a lot of kids and it's stressful? In that case, maybe another job would be better?
Also, where has this started: with odd books/porn etc? Maybe it's better to stay away from such things? And focus on other interesting things that are completely unrelated - distract yourself?

 

[Sea Bass]

It's OCD related. Some people with OCD have reoccurring bad/intrusive thoughts. What you have I think is a sexual obsession. An obsession is having constant thoughts about something you don't really like. Did you think about sex alot prior to your problem? If you did than that's probably how you got these reoccurring thoughts in the first place. Your brain after thinking about it so much made sexual associations with not just things you do like, but also things that you don't, i.e., children. OCD is an anxiety disorder - learn to relax. If thinking about sex a lot is a problem for you, try to reevaluate and think of other things you like. It wouldn't hurt to see a therapist.

 

[Remus]

It could be pure O OCD, best to see your shrink about this and discuss it as no one here can diagnose or treat this.

 

[mmmm]

Wow. It sounds like your OCD is deliberately trying to make you fixate on your worst fear. I get the feeling that if your worst fear was of being a fireman instead of a pedophile, you'd be absolutely fine in a preschool full of children but would be walking funny past all the fire hydrants. you are not a bad person. OCD is feeding your fear but from your post it is clear that you are still the master of your actions.

 

[pinoyprince04]

I just read your situation. I have the same situation as you. I started having bad intursive thoughts about children. Before all this, I was majoring in special education. I wanted to teach primary students from grades 1 to 4. However, I started to watch porn and didn't realize that porn was going to affect me. I had inappropriate sexual thoughts about the children and had to drop special education and major into something different. I know for sure that I do not want to act on my intrusive thoughts. I really do not want to go to jail. Also, I'm not hearing any voices; its my own voice telling me to do inapproptiate sexual thoughts about children. I'm trying to tell myself that its not me, its my intrusive thoughts. In addition, I telling myself that I am a good person who respects the law and children. You are not the only person suffering.

 

[Panther]

I always imagine myself stabbing, shooting or slitting peoples throats but i know i wouldnt do that and its not really a problem. But i kind of know what you mean if you are constantly thinking about something then its going to make you feel awkward in what ever situation it is and if you think about something so much youre scared that youll actually do the thing like im always scared ill look at someone in the wrong way and if i think about it alot i actually do it like and cant control it. With you because you feel these thoughts are inapprpriate and you dont want to have them youre just obsessively thinking about it but i definitely dont think you should be worried that youll actually do someting and it doesnt make you a peadophile either.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

*deleted....

 

[panicsurvivor]

This is so above SPW's heads.
I have OCD and a lot of the time I get thought's that pop in my head, about harming my own children. It is not like a desire though, it's kind of like watching a movie in my head. Like I will be playing with my baby who just turned one, and I will all of the sudden Imagine myself crushing her with my foot. It will make me feel awful inside and revolted, but it will be hard to stop thinking about it once it starts (OCD). So you have to ask yourself, is it a desire, or is it a thought that is flooding your mind? When you see yourself doing this in your mind, do you feel guilty, but aroused at the same time? Or do you feel awful, and want the thought to go away, but it just won't stop?

Everyone on here is right. You need to see someone right now. This is not an anxiety issue anymore. This is an issue involving your child.

 

[SAYC]

As a mom who has gone through the same thing, I want you to know that you are separate from OCD. OCD takes the good stuff and twists it. The intense love for your newborn followed by an intense image of killing the child or abusing the child.

I like what mmm said about the fireman/hydrant thing. The things you fear the most or believe are the worst things you could do are the things you fixate on when the OCD thought (or image or impressions or voice) comes into your head. Your biggest fear is being a pedophile-you could not bear it if you hurt a child, so OCD says you want to do this and then you have a blast of dread or terror or even a thrill in your body-all physical anxiety symptoms. Then you start to defend yourself against yourself and OCD is tricky-has all the responses that make you feel worse and worse. You need to stop that spiral. When the thought presents itself, take a deep, slow breath and concentrate on your breathing alone. Tell yourself "it's not me, it's OCD" and "It's not my fault; I haven't done anything wrong". Don't debate with the OCD-don't give it credibility.

You need to take care of yourself physically with rest and healthy food, exercise and no caffeine. OCD is also often misdiagnosed as postpartum depression/baby blues. Moms can't admit the thoughts since they fear having the child taken away. Your partner needs to be aware of the stuff and you need a therapist to reassure you and guide you through this. I feel for you and wish you the best with your new baby. Try to let the thoughts slide through a trap door and away-don't react.

 

[MaxineRyder]

This sounds like pure O, which is certainly the brains worst form of torture. I am sorry you are suffering with this. Have you been able to see a good doctor and/or get prescribed meds? Your psychologist sounds a little useless so get yourself someone better.
Good luck
M xxx

 

[noelliesmommy]

I used to hate standing on a balcony for fear that I might throw or push a child or adult off. Also when I was holding a knife I would imagine stabbing someone with it. The worst part is the visualizations. I think in the end I would have taken my own life before doing these things to someone else but I think that ocd takes your worst fears and tries to tease you with them. This is how my ocd started off. Then the compulsions came into the picture. You might have pure O though. I am sure that this is OCD in some form or another.

 

[Fitchy]

There are so many treat replies here. Intrusive thoughts suck and are very intrusive.. Dur?? I began getting thoughts like yours wen I was 12. I missed school and got on medicatiOn which helped a bit. The more you think themthe more power you give them. Your brain is spiraling out of control finding to find meaning to these thoughts trying to scare you and make you believe bad riots of yourself. Think of it this way, are child molesters ashamed? Would they go out and announce they have those thoughts? Would they lose sleep over t? The answer is probably no. I know you are not goig to act on these thoughts and I know you dont want them or enjoy them. I also know how damaging they are and how they can make you feel like you aren't worthy of air! Button are. Medicine can help but whT helped me most was talking. The more you sEe people's reactions and hear them telling you it's just your intrusive thoughts the better you get. It is so important to talk about this stuff and not keep it inside and let it eat away at you. I wish you much luck!

 

[Etbow23]

there have been times that i've had a terrible thought and really was terrified if i actually would do it. Not like yours, but maybe just i'll be cutting carrots on the counter and obsessed and terrified i'll stab my mom, or something. I think it's a similar form of an obsessive thought. I never knew it was OCD before i read this.

Talk about it to a good therapist, if you're not satisfied with one go to another. Work on it before it gets worse.

 

[YellowBird]

^ i think that if he begins to analyze it,it'll only get rooted deeper making it impossible to get rid off.Because expecting a baby is a stressful situation on it's own and you might already be predisposed to stress,the worst thing you can do is panic,the more terror your thoughts create the stronger they become.

 

[Fitchy]

^^^


^^^
I know many think this but me having experienced this hearing people tell me my thoughts aren't as bad as I think and realizing why I have them took the power away from them. If I hadn't opened my mouth my thoughts would have eaten me alive and I wouldn't be here.