Sabotaging my own life

[Shutinshell]

I dont know why but I keep feeling really sad & hopeless. Maybe my shyness & social anxiety has something to do with it. I'm not sure. But once something goes wrong I go into a downward spiral of depression. Its like I cant handle ups and downs in lifes. Like I want constant ups. I dont know if youd call that being spoiled or immature but when things dont go to my liking I drown in sorrow, pity, and I purposely let the **** hit the fan and just let go.

I have been having trouble in college so once again the cycle begins. When things go right I'm happy. They went wrong now I feel sad, tired, and lazy. Now I know if I ask for help they will. I wont ask though. I know if I ask to join a group someone will say yes. But of course I wont. I know I have to but I wont do it. Its like I dont want to be happy or get better. I know taking a certain path will make things right and make me feel better. But I just wont do it.

I want to mess myself up. I want to be used and tossed around and trash up my life. At the same time the idea of that saddens me and I want success and to make my parents proud.

Anyone ever feel similar? Like you know this is the way to happiness but you purposely deny it and smack at the hands trying to help you? How do you get over this? Sorry if I make anyone who is depressed but doesnt know the way out feel bad or angry. I know the way out but I purposely deny it.

 

[MikeyC]

I can actually relate to what you're saying. When things are happening, everything's swell. When things are pear-shaped, it's almost like it's too much to handle and I crumble under the weight.

I don't really have any advice for you, as I'm stuck in a similar cycle as you are. I think just a shot of motivation to seek counseling or join that group will do you some good. It's best to talk to someone about these issues and try to sort through them than letting them simmer. Deep down you know you don't want to be used like trash, as you put it, and you shouldn't let that happen.

 

[theslowesthand]

I dont know why but I keep feeling really sad & hopeless. Maybe my shyness & social anxiety has something to do with it

I think it could well be the other way around - the feeling really sad & hopeless could have something to do with the shyness & social anxiety (?!)

But once something goes wrong I go into a downward spiral of depression ... but when things dont go to my liking I drown in sorrow, pity, and I purposely let the **** hit the fan and just let go

I think depression and such, can be very "addictive" to certain people (me included i suspect), for some strange/warped reason. Maybe its "giving" us something that we need? (fulfilling an urge or need)

Its like I cant handle ups and downs in lifes. Like I want constant ups

I try to avoid all ups-and-downs, as I can't handle it ... but they happen anyway! (the emotional ups-and-downs)

Now I know if I ask for help they will. I wont ask though. I know if I ask to join a group someone will say yes. But of course I wont. I know I have to but I wont do it. Its like I dont want to be happy or get better. I know taking a certain path will make things right and make me feel better. But I just wont do it

Yeah, i've got a thing about avoiding asking for help, unless i'm really really desperate. But thats improving... (this site helps! )

I want to mess myself up. I want to be used and tossed around and trash up my life. At the same time the idea of that saddens me and I want success and to make my parents proud.
Anyone ever feel similar? Like you know this is the way to happiness but you purposely deny it and smack at the hands trying to help you? How do you get over this? ... I know the way out but I purposely deny it

I think you have some issues, which as they havent been addressed (maybe repressed), are "surfacing" in things like this.
I've always FOUGHT doing the normal, healthy things that everybody else did. Not sure why exactly though...
.

 

[recluse]

I feel the same way. I am extremely mentally weak. If something catastrophic happened i don't know how i would cope::

 

[Nanita]

I know what you mean. I can´t take it when things go bad. So my behaviour has become very avoidant, that way I try to avoid the downs (and unfortunately, that way I´m missing out on the good things as well).
I don´t know the road to happiness really, maybe I know some things I could do to get better/happier, but I have sort of lost faith/hope. Even if certain things get better, I feel that I´m stuck in a depressed mood and all the difficulties that come from social phobia.

 

[fitftw]

Google self-defeating disorder, and nihilism. And fatalism.

 

[Twinkel<3]

I can completley understand how you feel, i was in the same possition at college too. For me, i thought i wasnt good enough to ask for help, that i should be doing things for myself.

And the whole, trashing up your life and being treated bad, i know that too, i just drag myself down and find myself in abusive relationships just so i can feel something.

Really what it comes down to is; are you doing what you want or what you think is right?

Twinkel xxx

 

[MikeyC]

i just drag myself down and find myself in abusive relationships just so i can feel something.

This is unbelievably sad. ::

 

[Shyangel]

I know what you mean. I can´t take it when things go bad. So my behaviour has become very avoidant, that way I try to avoid the downs (and unfortunately, that way I´m missing out on the good things as well).
I don´t know the road to happiness really, maybe I know some things I could do to get better/happier, but I have sort of lost faith/hope. Even if certain things get better, I feel that I´m stuck in a depressed mood and all the difficulties that come from social phobia.

I do the exact same thing, sadly. I might hate this fact about me more then anything. I'm always avoiding things out of fear and it makes me miss out on so much. Every time I avoid something I hate myself more.

I hope you find away out of this behavior, Nanita.

 

[Nanita]

I do the exact same thing, sadly. I might hate this fact about me more then anything. I'm always avoiding things out of fear and it makes me miss out on so much. Every time I avoid something I hate myself more.

I hope you find away out of this behavior, Nanita.

Thank you.
Maybe we should just get drunk and do things we usually avoid.
Just kidding.

 

[DragonFlight777]

Hi, I don't think you are spoiled, it just seems you're really afraid of what it means to have downs. Was it always like that, did you have any trauma in your life that made you have this kind of attitude? Can you recall how you learned that having downs is something that needs to be avoided, at all costs?
Giving more details about your problem might help.