Kiwong
Well-known member
No problem at all, Funkyberries. Good luck with getting out there in the world.
rejected before a relationship even starts
- Thread starter sickofbeinglonely
- Start date
No problem at all, Funkyberries. Good luck with getting out there in the world.
Liam17
Well-known member
sickofbeinglonely
Well-known member
As the person who started this thread last Wednesday night in a horrible state of wanting my life to end, I've been surprised and somewhat disappointed with the way this thread has turned out. Surprised maybe because I don't think any thread I've started before has had so many replies!! And disappointed because of the inevitable arguing and misunderstandings. I wanted to quote some of the things that some people have said which I agree with and disagree with but I don't find it easy to keep up with forum threads and so am a bit behind now. So I'll have to go back over some of the last pages.
For someone who has never had what I consider to be a proper relationship I'm not feeling anywhere near so depressed and suicidal at the moment and the last few days haven't been as bad as I expected them to be. I think i've coped well. I've spoken to a friend on the phone, I've emailed a few people online and I've tried not to feel my life is worthless just because it wasn't possible to have the kind of relastionship with someone that i would have liked.
I always hope when I post on these forums thatI may give some members hope, at least for the fact that I've lived without love into my thirties and I'm still alive and not completely bitter or jaded in spite of this. I might be a different person if I didn't have interests that I enjoy and probably wouldn't be here now if I only lived for love.
I'd like to say to people like Liam17 not to give up completely. It's obvious that you're talented if you're a musician in a band and the fact that you've been able to make friends with some girls is a good thing even if you want more. For most of my life I've not even had women as "friends" though maybe if I had the same thing might have happened as it has recently with someone I met online and talked to regularly. Maybe more so if I had known them in real life so I do sympathise in a way.
But you and others have many more years ahead of you than I do to achieve what you're looking for in life and in terms of a relationship. I constantly feel that time is running out for me and that if I don't get my problems sorted out soon it may be too late for me. I temporarily go back to being content with my own company and hobbies but soon enough feel the need to be loved by someone and become impatient. I've been told that I invest too much of myself in one person at a time but I expect if I found it easier to make friends then I wouldn't have so much time to think and deveklop feelings for women I feel close to.
Rejection is a horrible thing however nice the person you have feelings for tries to be abour it. You don't have to be spoken to (or written to) in a contemptful way to be really hurt 9especially if you're a very sensitive person). One of the things that has made rejection so much worse for me is that it has usually been because the girl I have really wanted to be with prefers someone else. I think I coulc cope better knowing that they didn't want a relationship with me (or even want to be friends in some cases) if it wasn't because they had stronger feelings for another man.
I always see this as being a bit like applying for a job and being shortlisted only to find that one other person has been considered a better choice. Or coming to the finals of a sporting event or quiz show and then losing. I've spent most of my life telling myself I'm not goodd enough and avoiding any kind of profession or interest which involves competition. If I could tell myself it wouldn't matter if I came last (or even second place after getting so far) I would probably have achieved more with my life than I have. But I've never been able to live without expectations that, like some have touched on, can come about because of that horrible beast we call the media.
I find the digression into talking about types of men (nerds vs jocks) interesting. For years, I had bad associations with the word "nerd" because I'd been called a "nerd" by morons at school for being different. I have a friend who is a self confessed nerd and is extremely knowledgeable about all kinds of things! (He once insited on me watching that film "Revenge of the Nerds"!!) He is very opposed to violence (as indeed so am I) and obsesses about how violent this society has become to the point where he sees ,many young people as potenetial "chavs" which is, of course, an overgeneralisation on his part.
I'd like to say here and now that, despite never being given a real chance to be loved by a woman, I don't hate women or speak about them with contempt (which sadly my friend does from time to time though he has found other ways to be happy being single some of the time - drinking, laughing, studying anything about the things he likes). I just hate the circumstances in my life that have made it so difficult for me and also that there arfe many people I have read and heard about who have had more opportunities to have a relationship and make progress with their lives than I have. I hate to envy anyone or feel jealous as these emotions are self-destructive but I do often for a long for something genuinely good to happen in my life that works out for me.
I have seen people on some support sites have interest shown in them but they've not been able to reciprocate. They also often go back online and repeatedly complain about how bad their life is and how lonely and depressed they are and how they have no friends when one glance at their "friends" list would indicate otherwise. Not that "friends" lists ever make much sense especailly on sites like MySpace and Facebook where "quantity" seems to take preference over "quality".
Anyway, thanks for replying. Some of you made some good points. I haven't been able to take it all in yet as I logged in today to find there were five more pages since I last looked!!
For someone who has never had what I consider to be a proper relationship I'm not feeling anywhere near so depressed and suicidal at the moment and the last few days haven't been as bad as I expected them to be. I think i've coped well. I've spoken to a friend on the phone, I've emailed a few people online and I've tried not to feel my life is worthless just because it wasn't possible to have the kind of relastionship with someone that i would have liked.
I always hope when I post on these forums thatI may give some members hope, at least for the fact that I've lived without love into my thirties and I'm still alive and not completely bitter or jaded in spite of this. I might be a different person if I didn't have interests that I enjoy and probably wouldn't be here now if I only lived for love.
I'd like to say to people like Liam17 not to give up completely. It's obvious that you're talented if you're a musician in a band and the fact that you've been able to make friends with some girls is a good thing even if you want more. For most of my life I've not even had women as "friends" though maybe if I had the same thing might have happened as it has recently with someone I met online and talked to regularly. Maybe more so if I had known them in real life so I do sympathise in a way.
But you and others have many more years ahead of you than I do to achieve what you're looking for in life and in terms of a relationship. I constantly feel that time is running out for me and that if I don't get my problems sorted out soon it may be too late for me. I temporarily go back to being content with my own company and hobbies but soon enough feel the need to be loved by someone and become impatient. I've been told that I invest too much of myself in one person at a time but I expect if I found it easier to make friends then I wouldn't have so much time to think and deveklop feelings for women I feel close to.
Rejection is a horrible thing however nice the person you have feelings for tries to be abour it. You don't have to be spoken to (or written to) in a contemptful way to be really hurt 9especially if you're a very sensitive person). One of the things that has made rejection so much worse for me is that it has usually been because the girl I have really wanted to be with prefers someone else. I think I coulc cope better knowing that they didn't want a relationship with me (or even want to be friends in some cases) if it wasn't because they had stronger feelings for another man.
I always see this as being a bit like applying for a job and being shortlisted only to find that one other person has been considered a better choice. Or coming to the finals of a sporting event or quiz show and then losing. I've spent most of my life telling myself I'm not goodd enough and avoiding any kind of profession or interest which involves competition. If I could tell myself it wouldn't matter if I came last (or even second place after getting so far) I would probably have achieved more with my life than I have. But I've never been able to live without expectations that, like some have touched on, can come about because of that horrible beast we call the media.
I find the digression into talking about types of men (nerds vs jocks) interesting. For years, I had bad associations with the word "nerd" because I'd been called a "nerd" by morons at school for being different. I have a friend who is a self confessed nerd and is extremely knowledgeable about all kinds of things! (He once insited on me watching that film "Revenge of the Nerds"!!) He is very opposed to violence (as indeed so am I) and obsesses about how violent this society has become to the point where he sees ,many young people as potenetial "chavs" which is, of course, an overgeneralisation on his part.
I'd like to say here and now that, despite never being given a real chance to be loved by a woman, I don't hate women or speak about them with contempt (which sadly my friend does from time to time though he has found other ways to be happy being single some of the time - drinking, laughing, studying anything about the things he likes). I just hate the circumstances in my life that have made it so difficult for me and also that there arfe many people I have read and heard about who have had more opportunities to have a relationship and make progress with their lives than I have. I hate to envy anyone or feel jealous as these emotions are self-destructive but I do often for a long for something genuinely good to happen in my life that works out for me.
I have seen people on some support sites have interest shown in them but they've not been able to reciprocate. They also often go back online and repeatedly complain about how bad their life is and how lonely and depressed they are and how they have no friends when one glance at their "friends" list would indicate otherwise. Not that "friends" lists ever make much sense especailly on sites like MySpace and Facebook where "quantity" seems to take preference over "quality".
Anyway, thanks for replying. Some of you made some good points. I haven't been able to take it all in yet as I logged in today to find there were five more pages since I last looked!!
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Felgen
Well-known member
Are you confident when you ask a girl out or when you play with your band? If you're confident the very moment you kiss the girl and do not hesitate, there's no way she's gonna know that she's your first kiss.
Liam17
Well-known member
I would kiss a girl if I had a girl to kiss :/
How many girls have you asked out? Were they all the same type or different?
JamesSmith
Well-known member
I think Kiwong has the best mindset. We should be focused with having a relationship with the world first. I believe you must have a positive relationship with a good amount of people before you get into an intimate relationship. I'm like many people on here, we don't have friends and yet we want to get into an intimate relationship. I think we need to work on having friends first, that's hard enough as it is. Honestly, the main reason I'm on OKcupid is just so I can try to branch out a make a friend or two. This helps in a big way to go for friends first, because when you are just trying to make friends you won't be so hurt when a girl doesn't want to be your girl friend because you can always propose that she just be your friend that is a girl. I think there is so much less pressure on us when we just want to be friends with the opposite sex. Intimate love is too big of a step that some of you are trying to take before you are ready. To just have a g/f and no acquaintances or friends, that's just weird imo.
I dunno. You look pretty decent and you're musically talented. Are you very quiet? Maybe they thought you would never open up to them.
If that is your problem (just taking a stab in the dark) and it's not something you can fix any time soon, you could try working on your body language instead. Girls respond well to shy guys who smile a lot and seem sweet. Sweetness isn't conveyed in words but in body language.
A friend
Well-known member
I was feeling like that sort of yesterday (but without the wanting life to end part).
That's great.
You've done a good job, I had to fight like a total mentally disturbed savage to stop wanting love, and had a few nightmares because of that.
Rejection is death (without actually losing your life of course), and I'm sure that's how it is for mostly everyone here. I'm also sure that many people here have most of their problems caused by that, or some of them at least.
Not to sound extreme, but "horrible beast" isn't a term that's strong enough to describe the media.
I'm going to make this short and simple:
These girls/women should be thanking whatever god they pray to 24/7 because of the fact that they even got to take one look at us (for even less than a second), because I'm sure that most people on this forum are great individuals who deserve much more than they know.
I can't really explain it with any more detail, but I know that we all deserve better than to be depressed because we got rejected. And you know what? We all deserve WAY better than the ones who rejected us.
jus
Well-known member
10000000% agree
I was doing all the things you mentioned (Due to my issues...) when I had my first serious GF 10 or so years ago.
One of my next gf's was a real stalker (like literally) and gave me a taste of the hole clingy thing... fixed me up real good.
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Sinar_Matahari
Well-known member
LOL Very true.
Sinar_Matahari
Well-known member
If there was a time I was rejected, it was because of my attitude, insecurity or neediness. The problem did not lie in my looks or my social skills because thankfully, I'm not unattractive and I can work my way through social situations. I used to be very negative, angry, and insecure. I still have my insecurities, but I'm working on them. Obviously, I'm not immune to anger and negativity, but I don't surround myself with it.
I think I might get more dates now if I were single and if people realized that I'm not as mean as I look. As far as relationships are concerned, I don't think I'd get another relationship easily. This isn't a thing that I would wish to rush in the first place nor would I want to jump from one relationship to another. I'd have to get to know the person first, but I also find that people are different as friends and in relationships so there are some things you won't find out a person until you're in an actual romantic relationship with them.
I think I might get more dates now if I were single and if people realized that I'm not as mean as I look. As far as relationships are concerned, I don't think I'd get another relationship easily. This isn't a thing that I would wish to rush in the first place nor would I want to jump from one relationship to another. I'd have to get to know the person first, but I also find that people are different as friends and in relationships so there are some things you won't find out a person until you're in an actual romantic relationship with them.
My last relationship was especially chaotic - so much so that I now strongly feel there is so much satisfaction to be had in staying alone and working on yourself, provided you can keep your mind focused on the right things. I think it's important to stop romanticizing potential partners and truly realize how much misery and dysfunction they can bring to your life if they're not the right people for you. Keep your eye on the prize - and the prize is you and your future. Get educated, work hard on yourself, and try to eek out a pleasant existence. Let the baggage come later - way later. Be thankful you're not trapped in an emotional rollercoaster, that you're not bogged down by things like teenage pregnancies (which is a far bigger problem than people realize) and that you're free to come and go as you please.
I suppose what I've learned is that bad relationships are a dime a dozen. Anyone can find a partner - that doesn't take any sort of skill or attractiveness. What IS difficult, is finding someone compatible who is prepared to work at the relationship as hard as you. When that happens, it's often far later in life, and usually by accident. You can't force these things. You want validation? Post a pic on hot or not, but don't get sucked into that shtick that people in relationships are having so much more fun than you, because chances are, they're not. I can't count how many times I've been stuck having to fulfill some crappy obligation with a girl when I wished I could've been sitting at home with a beer and a good film. You really can't put a price on freedom.
I suppose what I've learned is that bad relationships are a dime a dozen. Anyone can find a partner - that doesn't take any sort of skill or attractiveness. What IS difficult, is finding someone compatible who is prepared to work at the relationship as hard as you. When that happens, it's often far later in life, and usually by accident. You can't force these things. You want validation? Post a pic on hot or not, but don't get sucked into that shtick that people in relationships are having so much more fun than you, because chances are, they're not. I can't count how many times I've been stuck having to fulfill some crappy obligation with a girl when I wished I could've been sitting at home with a beer and a good film. You really can't put a price on freedom.
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GoBlue72
Well-known member
I kind of agree with what you say about anyone finding a partner, but I think I'd say "most people can". However, I've often thought that there are a ton of people out there dating, who either aren't really ready for a relationship but are too unfomfortable being alone. Yet they still continue to date or marry. I like to think there is a happy medium, where you don't have to be totally fine with yourself to date, but you shouldn't have a billion lingering issues either.
I had a friend that always waited for the perfect circumstances: I.e. when I get out of college, when I get a real job, when I make enough money. Well, he's married now with a child, meeting his wife randomly while on a boat ride with his brother and neighbors. I never said I needed the right circumstances, but here I am still single while all my close friends have married(at least once). I have enjoyed much of the freedom in spending my time alone, including the beer and good films. That being said, I still would enjoy having a partner to go to movies and the bar when I feel like it. Even moreso lately with the amount of reflecting I've done this past week. I don't think the benefits of being alone outweigh the problems of being with someone anymore, at least not at this point to me.
I see your point about later in life relationships as well. It surprises me how easily older adults find a great partner, when you look at the couples decades younger than them.
JamesSmith
Well-known member
Liam, although you are way too negative, I definitely console with the fact that you get turned down because you're shy. That happens to all shy men because we are different than many of the girl because of our personality. I'm not saying outgoing aren't attracted to the shy, because they can be, it's just many women want a man who can carry on a conversation with her and her friends. Many of us would struggle with that, and the women know that. This isn't grounds for giving up on having any kind of relationship, but it makes things harder for us than the average person without SAD. I guess a positive way to look at it is that at least you aren't wasting your time with women that don't want to be with you anyways. There are people that go years trying to make a relationship work that wouldn't have been able to work from the very beginning. These outgoing women turning you down could be giving you more time with a woman that actually works for you.
Liam17
Well-known member
I'v given up on looking for a relationship, i'v got to accept not many people will accept me.
Yeah i'm trying to sort out the negativity. Maybe your right, but for the moment, i'm just trying to get happiness for myself.
I'm not hoping for someone else to make me feel better or happy it's not gunna happen, and hoping isn't a good habit.