Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

PugofCrydee

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
Phoenixx said:
There's an art market downtown tomorrow I really want to go to. I'd have to go by myself and only for a couple hours since I have to work tomorrow afternoon. Of course my social anxiety is already kicking in at the thought of all the people I'm going to have to be surrounded by and navigate around with driving. :( I wish I could enjoy things by myself more. 😔
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At one stage I didn't have a problem with doing things like that on my own. I'd even go out to restaurants on the odd occasion and enjoy a meal by myself. Now, not so much. I would usually find myself thinking 'those other people are looking at me and they are questioning why I'm here by myself'.. Then afterwards I'd be like 'what's wrong with me, I don't know what they're thinking' lol..
I think I got tired of having that internal battle so yea, I don't really do those things these days. I might go to the cinema on my own if theres something good on.
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
PugofCrydee said:
At one stage I didn't have a problem with doing things like that on my own. I'd even go out to restaurants on the odd occasion and enjoy a meal by myself. Now, not so much. I would usually find myself thinking 'those other people are looking at me and they are questioning why I'm here by myself'.. Then afterwards I'd be like 'what's wrong with me, I don't know what they're thinking' lol..
I think I got tired of having that internal battle so yea, I don't really do those things these days. I might go to the cinema on my own if theres something good on.
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I have never really gone out to any other places by myself before besides grocery stores and random quick stops into other stores. Actually sitting down and eating somewhere on my own or watching a movie alone are things that would skyrocket my anxiety, even though I have seen and known people to do this all the time without a problem. I really don't know how they do it. I wish I could.

That being said, I had a much better time going to the art market this morning than I thought I would and I'm glad I went! I was pretty anxious going, but it was a much easier destination to get to than I thought it would be. I got there as soon as it started so the parking lot wasn't filled up yet and I was able to find a spot rather than trying to park on the street.

One of the main reasons I went was because I knew a couple certain artists were going to be there that I've been following this year. God that sounds stalkerish haha. But I've taken to following a lot of artists on IG in the last year, whether local or elsewhere. One of the artists I wanted to see was featured on a competition show on Netflix. I won't say which one, because I don't want to disclose my location on here, but it's given our small upstate area a little boost in attention and the art community has thrived a little bit better because of it. I didn't get to really talk to her though unfortunately. I didn't know what to say and she was busy setting up the rest of the booth with the main artist she's been working with. A lot of people didn't even seem to recognize her either, which surprised me. Or maybe I'm just a huge art nerd on the inside that gets all nervous meeting favorite artists like others would meeting some A-list celebrity, haha. I don't know. Even though I didn't talk to her, I did buy a few pieces.

I also discovered a couple new local artists as well. I bought a couple prints from one and handmade tile coasters from another. No idea where I'm going to put any of this where it'll be safe from a little 4-legged monster that's in his terrible two's right now, but I'll figure something out lol.
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been waking up the last 4 mornings at exactly the same time right after a nightmare. I think that's part of the reason I've been waking up so tired in the morning. Because the last couple hours of sleep feel stressful. Part of me also feels like wallowing in my own depression today, but I know I'm going to hate myself if I succumb to that, so I'll still be doing the things I planned to do today.
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I spent a good majority of last night researching therapists again. I'm seriously reconsidering going back. I know I've been disappointed in the past, where I've felt not listened to or brushed off, but I've also needed to admit that I mask things too well. I was never fully open and honest in the past, only hoping that the therapist would do the digging for me. That does neither party no good. I have a list of therapists I'd like to narrow down today. Making the first call though? Not sure how long that's going to take. 😕
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Seems like everything in my house is breaking this year. First the dead bolt on the back door broke, and the door is just about ready to go too thanks to humidity adding to the wear and tear on it. Same with the other door going into the garage. Still haven't replaced either of them because doors in general are expensive as all hell. Then the bathroom fan vent died, got that fixed last month. Now this morning I noticed the freaking dishwasher handle broke too. I mean, it isn't a young appliance, nearly 20 years old. But still. I wanted to see if I could replace the part, but it looks like it's going to cost at least $100 for the part alone. For a dumb plastic handle. I probably could install it myself, but it makes me wonder if it's worth it...? Spend the money and time to fix it only to last how much longer? Or just bite the bullet and spend the money on a new appliance?

God it's like this house is telling me, "Hey, I see you're trying to pay off your student loans this year. It would be a shame if.... something else were to happen and that hard-earned money had to go elsewhere...." :rolleyes:
 
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SilentAndShy

Well-known member
Procrastination is one of the stories of my life. Personally and professionally it has damaged me.

In my new job, I should feel more comfortable to ask questions and not worry about looking an idiot but still hesitant.

So I spent most of the day just deliberating thinking: "Shall I go to my boss now whilst she's in face to face? I'll definitely do it after my lunch." Then it never happens so all that anxiety continues

Then I think the feedback I've had is I'm doing good and people are happy with me yet I can't stop obsessing over what they *really* think about me through my facial impressions, body language etc.

Man, I just can't think clearly with all this at times.
 
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SilentAndShy

Well-known member
SilentAndShy said:
Procrastination is one of the stories of my life. Personally and professionally it has damaged me.

In my new job, I should feel more comfortable to ask questions and not worry about looking an idiot but still hesitant.

So I spent most of the day just deliberating thinking: "Shall I go to my boss now whilst she's in face to face? I'll definitely do it after my lunch." Then it never happens so all that anxiety continues

Then I think the feedback I've had is I'm doing good and people are happy with me yet I can't stop obsessing over what they *really* think about me through my facial impressions, body language etc.

Man, I just can't think clearly with all this at times.
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Having another productive day.. if my boss saw my output she'd - rightly - dock my wages for the day.
 
F0AM

F0AM

Well-known member
I feel like i want to post how i feel but at the same time i don't because i'm not in the mood of typing, i lack the energy. I still read everyone's posts and react to them (thanks God for the react button).

Sometimes i'd like to complain and vent but then i ask myself "would it fix it" or "would you feel better"... usually the answer is "no" so i keep it to myself (as irl) and i rather write posts about other topics (memes, videos, games, music or reading other ppl's posts) i guess is my way of coping with SA and depression.

I'll just say that i'm tired of being there for everyone while no one's there for me. And tired of those who think that being supportive is a job and resource-free (even if it's "only" time and energy).


Conclusion: always be supportive but put some limits particularly with some specific individuals, otherwise can be self-destructive and extremely energy-consuming. Also, depending on how you feel or if the person is one of those who knows no limits and doesn't hesitate in abusing your "kindness", feel ABSLUTELY free to say "NO".
 
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SilentAndShy

Well-known member
I've had a week of not wife and children around and home working that should have been productive. But it hasn't.

Head scrambled with so many things to get anxious about (ranging from children's birthday plans, my birthday "plans", to driving - I could go on)

It's every week or so my mood changes or the worries and anxiety come into my mind - my wife just kept asking me "what do you want?" and I said I wanted to be alone and I came downstairs to sleep, leading her to cry so yeah, just a horrible husband, father etc I probably am;
 
PugofCrydee

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
SilentAndShy said:
I've had a week of not wife and children around and home working that should have been productive. But it hasn't.

Head scrambled with so many things to get anxious about (ranging from children's birthday plans, my birthday "plans", to driving - I could go on)

It's every week or so my mood changes or the worries and anxiety come into my mind - my wife just kept asking me "what do you want?" and I said I wanted to be alone and I came downstairs to sleep, leading her to cry so yeah, just a horrible husband, father etc I probably am
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Does your wife know about your SA? Are you seeking professional help? If you don't like feeling like you're a 'horrible' husband - and I'm sure you don't, then it's up to you to do something about it. It's no good to just be stuck in the SA vicious circle. The power is in your hands. Find strength wherever you can and do something to help yourself, your wife and your family. Good luck my friend.
 
F0AM

F0AM

Well-known member
SilentAndShy said:
I've had a week of not wife and children around and home working that should have been productive. But it hasn't.

Head scrambled with so many things to get anxious about (ranging from children's birthday plans, my birthday "plans", to driving - I could go on)

It's every week or so my mood changes or the worries and anxiety come into my mind - my wife just kept asking me "what do you want?" and I said I wanted to be alone and I came downstairs to sleep, leading her to cry so yeah, just a horrible husband, father etc I probably am;
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And to add to what Pug said, don't be too tough on yourself. Sometimes we have so much problems and so many thing going on that we can't just always behave as we'd like when not under those conditions. I know you feel like sh*t for making her cry, but is not that bad, talk to her and tell her how you feel. She must also understand that sometimes we need to be alone and is no one's fault (or at least not of the ones we isolate from).

You said you have to take care of a lot of stuff and when we try to focus on others too much, we just lose our energy, take care of yourself too and as i said, talk to her...anxiety leads to energy loss and that to a not a very good mood.

Also, as Pug said, don't let those circular thoughts put you in a loop. Obviously we don't know you, but for what we read i'm pretty sure you're not a bad husband. 😊
 
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