Keep at it Sarah, there's a lot of shallow people out there that seek a traditional image of beauty and success, without eccentricity or trouble, because it's easy. But think of it like this, if they can't see your value as a person without an immediate 'wow' factor, they don't deserve you.
I've recently entered some of the more unconventional dating scenes myself, more akin to me as a person and interests (where exactly I'd prefer to keep private,) while having crushing lack of success before, and was surprised how many people wanted to talk without appearance even being a factor when I looked in the right places.
Perhaps it's less that you're unattractive and unappealing, but more that those people can't see it because they're blinded by looking for something specific. I bet that among the billions of people on the planet, there's more than a few that'd consider themselves blessed to have your company.
Thank you so much for this, BlackPuma - I really appreciate your response/input. Typically I never really talk about how insecure I actually am with anyone - this website is really my only outlet. However, recently, I opened up to my sister about how I was feeling and she said that it's not because I am ugly, but because I look pissed off all the time - So, in essence, I am unapproachable.
The matter of self worth is very complex for me. You see, growing up, one of the very first messages I ever received from my father was "I can't love you because you are too fat and ugly" - he always withheld his love from me and it has haunted me ever since. I feel like I am desperately seeking affection from outside (male) sources - all I can think about is finding love sometimes. However, on the other hand, I am so terrified of being in a relationship because I am not pretty enough and allowing someone to get close allows them to see my flaws and if they see my flaws then they'll leave which will have proven that I am too ugly to love which is devastating.
So, on a subconscious level, I look angry, distracted, avoid eye contact with guys I am attracted to etc., all to keep people away. But, in doing so, the lonlier I become. I have wanted plastic surgery since I was 15 and still want it very badly - after I graduate from college I intend on having it, but I really don't want to be single for that long. I have gotten mixed reviews about my decision, but I am so tired of hating myself. I want to
feel beautiful every day, wear a bikini for the first time since the age of 9 and to wear shorts without feeling disgusting. I feel like having the surgery will help me blossom as an individual and provide me with the confidence to be my genuine self. I suppose that I should also mention that I have lost 80lbs gained 40 and lost 50 more pounds, so the constant fluctuation, crash diets, binge eating/purging, starving myself, binging without purging has totally ruined my body. My eating disorder has definitely improved over the years, but I do still have a tendancy to over eat sometimes/still hate eating in front of other people (that was also part of the shame inflicted on me by my father. He made fun of my weight for years, fed me junk and made me feel disgusting for eating).
(((Hugs))) 
