Paying for affection??

[Articulate]

i wasn't talking about prostitution. but, yeah. i'd be disappointed if i found out my bf did that, too.

this is unsettling to me in that you are emotionally deluding yourself. the whole purpose is to lie to yourself.

be honest with yourself. how is this going to teach you to approach women? how is this going to promote growth?

be honest with yourself. this is not going to provide you with something you haven't experienced in life. this is going to provide you with a mechanical simulation, a hollow lie. you will not be experiencing the real thing so how would you walk away feeling at all fulfilled or changed? you will not experience the chemistry shared between two people. you will not experience the sexual tension between two people who have stumbled through life to connect. you will not feel the fire behind a kiss. you will not feel the passion beneath the fingertips. there is no animal magnetism. everything she speaks to you will be a lie. every compliment, every word will be meaningless.

if you want to go through with it, that is your business. i just think it's important to be honest about what it is and what you will get out of it. don't expect much from it. if i were you i'd get a massage. this is just the candid feedback you asked for. :/

Ok Dottie I respect you being Candid, and I haven't made up my mind about this.

In your opinion then, because obviously I know you feel all of the simulated passion and tension will be fake, would it be better or less worthless to focus more on the maternal side of this experience?

I'm thinking of this as both romantic and maternal. However, it's in no way meant to be physically romantic, or sexually stimulating in an overt sense. So if it was more focused on this girl really providing me with my first loving touch, like one from a mother. Would it then be more beneficial in your eyes? Just a very caring emotional cuddle with loving comments. Because I really don't know where I can find this elsewhere.

 

[MikeyC]

Even if the whole thing is fake, it will still be a very close simulation of the real thing, which I can tell is something you want. I still say go for it! It won't be the solver of all your affection issues but it can't hurt to know what you've sorely missed throughout your years.

 

[laure15]

I understand why you want to do this. Why don't you try reconnecting with your mom, or grandma, confess your true feelings for them, and ask them to shower you with maternal love? Hey, Christmas is coming up; might as well go visit them. I don't think just any woman will be able to satisfy you; it takes a special woman, like your mom or grandma, to evoke feelings in you, to give you the warmth that you so desperately needed.

 

[Articulate]

I understand why you want to do this. Why don't you try reconnecting with your mom, or grandma, confess your true feelings for them, and ask them to shower you with maternal love? Hey, Christmas is coming up; might as well go visit them. I don't think just any woman will be able to satisfy you; it takes a special woman, like your mom or grandma, to evoke feelings in you, to give you the warmth that you so desperately needed.

My grandmother has deteriorated mentally now to the point where she struggled to respond to you for any prolonged period of time. It's sad, but she is 85, so I tell myself that when I'm with her carer at her council flat. I feel really sorry for her. When she was younger, and of sound mind, she was very cold and unemotional, she even had something of a cruel streak in her. However, for whatever reason I did feel there WAS some love inside her.

My mother is a difficult one. She's been stubbornly unemotional for my whole life, and this has been exacerbated by on and off heavy substance abuse. She can still to this day be verbally abusive and insulting. I completely forgive her for all that happened she had problems, and stressess, so it wasn't her fault she couldn't be there for me, and even if she was a very bad mother it was NOT her fault that I was taken into care so often. Yes you could say someone with such drug problems shouldn't have children, but maybe she thought she could get them under control and was wrong? These things caused her to be unstable, destructive and completely unemotional or loving to her children, but it's NOT her fault. I would still say I want to love her. I don't believe in blaming your parents for your failings. Right now she's still an alcoholic, and this is problematic. I seriously doubt we will ever have a relationship where she shows me affection, but that's ok. If I asked her directly for affection she would probably not know what I'm asking for. The only way I could spend time with her is I suppose we can drink together, and watch television getting inebriated, and try to be pleasant.

 

[takeheart]

i think this is ridiculous

 

[dottie]

do you go to any sort of counseling? have you considered it?

maybe it would be better to get to the root of the problem, focus on improving interpersonal communication, and get to the point where you can connect with people. you seem highly intelligent and i understand what it's like having a refrigerator mother... i just find this simulated girlfriend session to be a bit creepy.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

It is incredibly heartbreaking that you have been neglected like this. You've been deprived of something crucial that your parents should have given you. It is sad (not pathetic) that you've had to consider such a drastic option, but the decision is entirely up to you. No one knows what you need better than you do, and if this turns out to be a waste of time and money... well at least you gave it a go.

This is more about your mother rather than the girl giving you the affection. People need the loving touch from their mother and/or father (or another parental figure) when they are young and the consequences for not receiving this kind of affection are severe. Perhaps this service might allow you to resolve some of the internal issues that you've had with your mother and her callous disregard for you. That being said, I really can't guarantee that it will fulfil you at all. Probably best not to expect too much, but there is the possibility that it could help.

:idontknow:

 

[Articulate]

do you go to any sort of counseling? have you considered it?

maybe it would be better to get to the root of the problem, focus on improving interpersonal communication, and get to the point where you can connect with people. you seem highly intelligent and i understand what it's like having a refrigerator mother... i just find this simulated girlfriend session to be a bit creepy.

Yes I am in two types of counselling. I really am trying hard to get over this and create a healthy life for myself. It's just extremely hard right now, and lately I feel like I'm deteriorating. Maybe working more often in schools has added to that deterioration?

If I weren't to go through with this, I wonder if there's any way I can get these feelings out of my head? Is there some way I can stop thinking about being hugged or holding hands? Anyway I can not get so fixated when I see any display of affection? If there is a way for me to do this without becoming permanently loveshy or touch aversive then I would consider working on that. I just want to feel like someone cares about me, and really crave what looks like a wonderful sensation of a loving touch, that's all.

 

[Gray Lantern]

Maybe you can join some kind of club where people are extremely supportive of one another. Like you can be creative... There's all kinds of social groups. I even heard of one where people get together just to laugh.. literally.

 

[Pookah]

If you are going into this knowing that none of it is real then I cannot fault you for it. It isn't paying for sex which I wholly disagree with, its getting someone to just touch you. Human touch is an incredibly important thing, babies need it to thrive for instance.
And try to use it as social interaction experience.

I would hope the woman had a good reason to do this besides just money though. Like wanting to help people.

I really wish you had an alternative to this though. Is it possible for you to join a meetup group and make friends somehow? I can't imagine that triggers SA so much more than this other option. Female friends tend to show this sort of affection without it being sexual.

 

[vj288]

You can pay someone to act affectionate toward you, but you can't pay them to feel affection or love for you. Emotions are not something we can control, so are not something we can buy from other people. There are other people though, like nannies and pairs who usually seem to genuinely care about children as if they are there own, as well as coaches and teachers such as yourself who care about their students and athletes a good percent of the time. Good Therapist and Doctors have sincere care and concern for their patients.

Bonds are formed by the nature of their jobs though, and are not required nor assured. A lot of people will tell you they have trouble with their therapist because they say "they are only pretending to care because it's their job, they don't really give two farts about me." Maybe you'll find a nice girl who just wants people to feel loved who aren't, but more likely you'll find a good actress.

 

[THeCARS1979]

Dear Social Phobia Community

I want people's honest opinion about something. I would greatly appreciate if they were especially candid, regardless of whether or not they thought it might upset me! This is a very important question to me, and I'm debating what to do on a daily basis. So I'm conflicted up about it!:sad:

I've joined this site, and are making these first few small steps in the hope that I might achieve some kind of first physical/emotional contact with other people. I've been extremely isolated for nearly all of my childhood/adolescence and adult life. I've not managed yet to make any friends, and I've failed to achieve any physical/emotional contact with a girl. My family were also very small (only immediate) and very cold. I was never hugged or shown affection in childhood or adolescence. Looking back though they had their reasons (heavy drug/alcohol abuse), and other problems which meant I wasn't always in my parents care. So this isn't about blaming anyone.

Anyway I'm currently seeing a counsellor who in her words believes I'm 'in such need of basic love that I'm putting my life and career at risk by reaching out for affection in the wrong way just to feel whole.' I'm feeling especially alone lately. I'm therefore seriously considering paying a woman to show me affection in the hope that it will help. This is a service (girlfriend experience) you can buy, it's not like a prostitute or anything. This isn't about sex at all! Basically I'm going to pay a girl to: give me my first hug, cuddle me, hold my hands, stroke my hair, give me my first kiss, tell me that they love me, say they care for me and that I matter to them. Just pure affection so I feel loved and hopefully much better afterwards.

I know this seems quite sad, and unorthodox, but you have to understand the situation I'm in. I just want people's opinion: Do you think this would be a good/healthy thing to do because it's important I get some affection now and it will help me improve? Or do you think it would be unhealthy to pay for 'fake' affection? Could it maybe have unforseen negative effects??

PLEASE let me know honestly what you think about this choice? Please.

Yeah Im sorry to hear about all that. Also, yeah to be honest, you cant fake affection, its paid for and it wont be real. befriend me if you want, email directly if you want too.

 

[theslowesthand]

If I weren't to go through with this, I wonder if there's any way I can get these feelings out of my head? Is there some way I can stop thinking about being hugged or holding hands? Anyway I can not get so fixated when I see any display of affection?

If i have urges for women, i just look at porn & relieve myself. That tends to get rid of those urges for a few days or so (???)

The human subconcious doesn't know the difference between real or imagined. So, if you were to try the "purchased affection" & imagined that it were an actual girlfriend, then i think the effects could be quite similar as the real thing, just for that short time though. Like when i saw call-girls twice in past (& lap-dancer) .. certainly was a "real" experience, physically-wise, and at the time i was "imagining" all sorts of things, and gaining my first ever bit of womanly-affection. For the next few days my mind was full of these lovely floating images, but then it was all forgotten, and i went back to normal. And it didn't change anything at all i regret to say, as i stilll had exact same personality, same issues, same mis-beliefs. Didn't help me to gain ground with women/dating/etc, but that's me - a hopeless case. Sure, there was a little bit of feeling pathetic, and it being fake or disingenous. But especially with the call-girl that i spent 2 or 3 hours with (VERY expensive date!!!), i tried to have some deep'n'meaningful talk/touching/etc, and got a wee bit of emotional support concerning my 'women don't like me .. boo hoo' kind of stuff. So felt a bit better at the time ... then back to normal a few days later. So the benefits were only temporary at best, and i expect this "girlfriend experience" to be no different (just like having a date with a call-girl, but maybe with her being slightly more empathetic/etc than most of them, and cuddling/affection intead of straight sex)

In a sense, both girlfriend & marriage are very much a kind of "paid affection". Except that it's not just about straight cash .. it's buying gifts, meals, outings, surprises,....... (with that cash!). And the guy also pays in other ways as well - less freedom, less privacy, less spare time, must do what she wants often, listen to music he might hate, hang around with people he might not like, .... and in effect gets attached to a ball-and-chain.

 

[dottie]

In a sense, both girlfriend & marriage are very much a kind of "paid affection". Except that it's not just about straight cash .. it's buying gifts, meals, outings, surprises,....... And the guy also pays in other ways as well - less freedom, less privacy, less spare time, must do what she wants often, listen to music he might hate, hang around with people he might not like, .... and in effect gets attached to a ball-and-chain.

this is a really offensive way to speak of women. as if women don't compromise to be in a relationship. "ball-and-chain." i pity the woman who ends up with you.

 

[theslowesthand]

Sorry, i wasn't trying to offend any women. Its just the way i see things, in my inexperienced, jaded little world. Just trying to be realistic, perhaps a tad too "realistic" though
(edit1: no, scratch that!)
(edit2: it was going to be "And the guy (or girl?) also pays in other ways as well" but i omitted as i'm trying to target the male side of things here .. but i guess its still a "sin of omission" to omit women. but i am aware, in my isolated ignorance, that women also for sure have to make sacrafices (i do watch tv, read magzines, & think about stuff). just saying that in terms of "paid affection" there are similarities with relationship/marriage. and you know, same could be applied for women seeking escorts or jiggloes for affection)

And i suppose i do kind of pity any woman in my future, but moreso i pity my future self (if i get attached) .. but read on!!. Currently i am in no position for a woman-friend, not in any way at all. It just wouldnt work at all. It would be disastrous (for me & her). So unless this situation changes (which i doubt it will any time in near-future), will remain single till the day i die. I'm okay with that, as been isolated/alone my whole life, so i'm used to being an "island".

But the OP is certainly not okay with being single, and doesnt seem to have learnt ways to deal with these feelings/urges yet. It did take me a few years for me to fully "get over" women & being single forever. Doable, but certainly not a quick or easy task.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I found out the reasons I went in and out of care, and wasn't always in school.

What about this person (or people) who cared for you when your mother wasn't able to? Do you still keep in contact with them, and would they be someone you could turn to for comfort?

 

[Articulate]

What about this person (or people) who cared for you when your mother wasn't able to? Do you still keep in contact with them, and would they be someone you could turn to for comfort?

You know I really haven't thought about that much at all until you said it. I remember there were 2 families or couples involved at time I 'think'. However, I'm not proud to say I'm somewhat ignorant of how the care system works. Two of the people whom I spent time with I only know I definately would never want any contact with again. I also remember a much older woman at one point who seemed exceptionally busy, but I don't have any bad memory of. Unfortunately I can't really say I have much of a good memory of when I was in care, and believe alot of the time it wasn't actually care as in a sanctioned care or foster home. I believe it was just normal people whom I was left with.

I am genuinely trying to find some alternative to this option. What worries me is that if I did ever get to a point when a girl in the real world was going to show me affection that I would become excessively emotional and not know how to handle it, and that this would subsequently upset her. The only way this might not be the case is if I told her about my past in its entirety, then she might be understanding of why my reaction was such. I'm fearful though of putting all that pressure on a girl I meet, or talk to online. That's sort of the big allure of me paying someone. I would have no issue telling them the truth about my past, and I believe they would in turn be accepting of what my response might be to being cuddled.

I have spoken to some women online, but when this issue came up they seemed to suddenly go off, and that's understandable.

Remember what I'm asking for is not really sexual at all so maybe it would be possible to find someone who wasn't a sex worker to pay for it? However this problem with telling real people the truth is what drives me to want to either pay for it. You can have correspondence before hand and let me know the extent of your issues. However if anyone has any alternative idea for finding affection please continue to suggest it.

And thankyou very much to everyone who responded. This is very hard for me to talk about. It means alot. Thankyou.

 

[sullyS25]

First of all, I am sorry to hear you havent ever experienced basic affection in your life. That really is sad and Im sorry to hear it.

Secondly, if you think that is what you need then go for it. Just recognize that there is always the potential of getting attached to whoever you are paying for the affection and tht could lead to more depressing feelings.

 

[AGR]

Well it kinda fells wrong and I probably would never do it,but I wouldnt blame someone who is lonely and does that,male or female,any kind of affection even sex,I have been around 12 years alone,scared to show any feelings because I was ashamed of myself,its too hard,I wouldnt blame someone who didnt want to go through this.

 

[Articulate]

First of all, I am sorry to hear you havent ever experienced basic affection in your life. That really is sad and Im sorry to hear it.

Secondly, if you think that is what you need then go for it. Just recognize that there is always the potential of getting attached to whoever you are paying for the affection and tht could lead to more depressing feelings.

This is true. It's strange really. On the one hand I'm anxious about the person I pay not being particularly understanding or caring. This wouldn't be what I wanted, and it might hurt if they were really matter of fact about it, or if I suspected that they might be laughing behind my back about it with other people. Saying things like 'you wont believe what I got this sad guy to pay me for?!' On the otherhand if the person was really caring, sensitive and understanding, and really did act incredibly loving and touched me like she really cared and said all the things I'm desperate to hear then maybe yes I might go into some sort of crazed state where I have to see her again, and subsequinetly become emotionally dependant.

Has anyone done anything like this before?