Parenting issues: "My son is a ..."

[lassokid]

Yeah I'm Asian myself and I hate how almost every parent wants their children to become doctors and engineers. I'm sure they have good intentions (good money, status, stability...etc), but sometimes it's almost obsessive. I mean, if everyone became doctors and engineers, society will utterly collapse.

Then again, I think its not good to generalize too much. There are Asians out there who think differently. I hope to drive 18 wheelers one day (taking my driver's test next week ). I didn't really tell anyone except my parents cuz truck drivers are kinda looked down upon in my home country. After my mom told some of her friends of my aspirations, I was surprised that they were proud of me. They said that it must take plenty of skills to drive a semi, which made me feel pretty good! But it's cool to see people who can appreciate others who work in different industries. U know...we are all trying to make a living...find happiness...make the world a more peaceful place...where's the love? Get my vibe?

 

[x000x]

My dad constantly has screamed at me to the point where I've been so scared that I can't move from the spot I'm sitting in. He'd yell at me for every thing and I'd always cry when it happened. I think this, as well as other things he's done and things my mom has done, has contributed to my anxiety and depression.

 

[Julesie]

My parents are terrible in a way. But at the same time I always wonder if I'm the one being the drama queen or am the problem.
Mum yells at me all the time. Over little things. Like I burnt some chocolate as I was trying to make it creamy and she had a go at me for wasting it. Thats just a tiny example. I get shouted at every day. For many different things.

Then I always get from her how she wishes I was normal. Went out, hung in clubs, partied, drunk alcohol. Was social, had a ton of friends. Etc.
She told me she wished I wasn't born and that she's thought she could kill my brother once. Makes me wonder how many times she's thought that of me, too.

A lot of the time she hates my social phobia. I can't help it. When I cry she usually humilates me by going 'oh here she goes again. Crying.'

My dads pretty bad too but not as much as my mum. I love them both dearly... I just wish they could understand that the small steps I take are much bigger than they think. Even leaving the house is hard. Yet I've been trying to push myself lately to do it and spend some time with mum out. But then she gets angry thinking I'm just using her to take me out to buy things. When they are just my excuses to spend some time with her.

But yeah. I dunno if its my fault or what. I just wish I could move away but I don't know how to take care of myself and my fear of leaving the house is so bad I know I won't last.

 

[Dronee]

In far east Asian cultures, it is considered modest to downplay or put down oneself and one's accomplishments. Some people in the Asian culture expect their children to be overachievers. I can't say that some Westerners are any different. I've met people who constantly self-efface and look down on people who do take credit for their achievements, talents and successes.

Modesty is generally good. But I'm not talking about modesty. E.g.: "You fool! How could you get 99 out of 100? You're so careless! Society only wants the best..." and so on... when needless to say, 99% for an exam or test ir ridiculously good, borderline genius even.

Fortunately for me, my parents never did that. But the kids I tutor and some other random people on the street... It's not that uncommon to have this kind of scene acted out in public. I note that the most grounded, sociable, well-balanced and intelligent people I've met had parents who are similarly well-adjusted.

 

[Scooter]

It's very sad to see all these posts. As someone else mentioned, kids don't come with an instruction manual. Of course because there are bad people in the world it stands that there are also 'bad parents'. But I think the majority of us are doing the best we can, hoping to get it right and praying we don't get it too wrong.

Parents are human too, just older. And some days are just as hard for us as they are for the kids, except if we handle something badly then most of us also cop the guilt for having the life experience to feel badly for hurting the people we love most.

 

[ali123]

............They seem especially intent on humiliating the youngest person in the family.............'

As the youngest in the family I do feel that members of my family did pick on me a lot.......I was quite often taken the pee out of for all kinds of things, which i laughed at cos it was either laugh or cry/. They still do it to this day, and if I look offended they say "We only do it cos you can take it"
I absolutely adore my parents, but i honestly believe the way they brought me up has a lot to do with my confidence issues. I remember my mum always said "Leave them alone Alison, people don't want to hear you going on" "You can stop talking you know, you won't die if you shut up for 5 minutes......Alison, let them have the toy/game/go first........To my parents, it was being polite to other people, to me, it was everyone is more important than you. Strange though that I'm sure they did it to my brother and sister too, but they are fine. i think it's a lot to do with how the individual takes it.
Sorry, I'm a bit off topic but the thing about the youngest really struck a chord with me

 

[Silvox Black]

Bah, damn the Asian culture. This is a typical belief there and with many idiotic Asians here. They have no emotional understanding and thus many of them damn their children for life with their words. It is a cultural system of working for the benefit of the family and thus the entire family counts on you to meet their expectations. Anything less is social suicide.

 

[Newtype]

Bah, damn the Asian culture. This is a typical belief there and with many idiotic Asians here. They have no emotional understanding and thus many of them damn their children for life with their words. It is a cultural system of working for the benefit of the family and thus the entire family counts on you to meet their expectations. Anything less is social suicide.

That's xenophobic. You're assuming your culture is better than another because you're trying to imagine yourself in that culture, which is something you can't do. And I'm not defending Asian cultures here. Not long ago Western culture was just the same.

 

[Hellhound]

That's xenophobic. You're assuming your culture is better than another because you're trying to imagine yourself in that culture, which is something you can't do. And I'm not defending Asian cultures here. Not long ago Western culture was just the same.

He is Asian. He's disagreeing with his own culture, not being xenophobic. Not to sound rude here... but please, don't assume those things if you don't know the other person.

 

[Silvox Black]

That's xenophobic. You're assuming your culture is better than another because you're trying to imagine yourself in that culture, which is something you can't do. And I'm not defending Asian cultures here. Not long ago Western culture was just the same.

I always appreciate a good assumption thank you, but no, I am not being xenophobic. I do not say that any culture is better than another, I am simply annoyed and somewhat racist against my own nationality. I do not believe any culture to be higher than another, if anything, I consider the entire human race to be somewhat of a joke. But anyhow, your assumptions are appreciated.

 

[Newtype]

He is Asian. He's disagreeing with his own culture, not being xenophobic. Not to sound rude here... but please, don't assume those things if you don't know the other person.

Asian is not a culture.

I always appreciate a good assumption thank you, but no, I am not being xenophobic. I do not say that any culture is better than another, I am simply annoyed and somewhat racist against my own nationality. I do not believe any culture to be higher than another, if anything, I consider the entire human race to be somewhat of a joke. But anyhow, your assumptions are appreciated.

What is your nationality? Because you didn't mention it. You didn't even talk about any nationality. Asian is not a nationality and it's not a culture. All Asian countries have different cultures and a different way of thinking.

 

[Silvox Black]

Asian is not a culture.



What is your nationality? Because you didn't mention it. You didn't even talk about any nationality. Asian is not a nationality and it's not a culture. All Asian countries have different cultures and a different way of thinking.

What I meant by Asian culture was the communal and collectivist outlook almost all the major Asian countries such as China, India, and Japan have. My apologies for not stating my nationality, it tends to slip my mind that others do not assume that I am Chinese based on me saying I'm Asian. That is my fault.

 

[Newtype]

What I meant by Asian culture was the communal and collectivist outlook almost all the major Asian countries such as China, India, and Japan have. My apologies for not stating my nationality, it tends to slip my mind that others do not assume that I am Chinese based on me saying I'm Asian. That is my fault.

I see. You were so rough in your description of "Asian culture". You said "idiotic Asians" and kept saying "them this, them that...", it sounded like you were someone who hated Asians so I really didn't think you were Asian yourself.

 

[Silvox Black]

I see. You were so rough in your description of "Asian culture". You said "idiotic Asians" and kept saying "them this, them that...", it sounded like you were someone who hated Asians so I really didn't think you were Asian yourself.

Yes again, I apologize for the less than proper description. I have a racism problem with my nationality so that may explain why. I see you have not met those who hate their own nationality though.

 

[Newtype]

Yes again, I apologize for the less than proper description. I have a racism problem with my nationality so that may explain why. I see you have not met those who hate their own nationality though.

What matters is just being yourself. Ethnicity or nationality is not important. They're not things that make you what you are. Carrying all this hate will only hold you back for nothing.

 

[Dronee]

Yes again, I apologize for the less than proper description. I have a racism problem with my nationality so that may explain why. I see you have not met those who hate their own nationality though.

Off topic... Your avatar seems strangely familiar. Is it a Bozak (forgot how it's spelled) wizard from Dragonlance lore?

On topic: I actually like the collectivist thing, except that it's all too often taken into extremes. And it doesn't really benefit the whole community in some cases, just the few in power.

 

[peacegrrl]

I don't know how old you are but maybe u should stand up to them, i like my parents alot but i talk back to them when they disrespect me

In my case there's a particular reason I don't talk back to my parents. That reason is guilt. My parents had it tough growing up in their homeland where even today, poverty and political corruption run amuck. Nowadays they don't have to struggle at all to put food on the table, etc. It's understandable that any such parent would want their kid to grasp all the sweet and wonderful opportunities the Western[-ised?] world has to offer. They have a better life now, and in many ways, have given me a better chance at life.

On the other hand, there's a right way and a wrong way to motivate your offspring. Different attitudes to "success" have to be taken into account — but aren't always, unfortunately.

 

[LadyWench]

People like that should never reproduce. It's awful. I've never been directly put down by my mom, but she loves to make it clear that I'm a pain in the ass when having anxiety and such.

 

[Waybuloo]

I'm Asian and I see this sort of treatment a lot in my extended family. My cousin for instance always gets told from her mum that she is not feminine enough, therefore she probably shouldn't put her bet on getting a good husband, she should focus on her career. She keeps telling her to shut her mouth because she has big teeth. She gets coached on how to smile. She is now 29 and still gets treated this way, no wonder she also turned out to have mental issues.

When I visited my grandparents in China with my Dad, my grandmother said infront of everyone that I am weak like my Dad, that I should try to be tougher. I coudln't believe it, needless to say I wasn't assertive enough to talk back at her, not to mention in more traditional environments you don't talk back at elders, because what they say is gospel.

I've seen my mum treat my Dad with negative remarks and contempt growing up, and you'd feel her contempt and know that she must disapprove of something about you, even if she didnt' say. My Dad and I both have issues.

I am Asian and I disapprove of the Asian way of parenting (by that I mean the stereotypical dominant, strict, narrow minded parenting that only focuses on getting good grades and getting a high earning job, but i'm sure there are exceptions). I'm just guessing but take China for example, you have mass population, big disparity in income and living standards, intense competition for jobs, and a massive keeping up wiht the Joneses mentality. People see education as probably the only way out and up.

 

[Avery]

My cousin for instance always gets told from her mum that she is not feminine enough, therefore she probably shouldn't put her bet on getting a good husband, she should focus on her career. She keeps telling her to shut her mouth because she has big teeth. She gets coached on how to smile. She is now 29 and still gets treated this way, no wonder she also turned out to have mental issues.

That is horrible.

I'm just guessing but take China for example, you have mass population, big disparity in income and living standards, intense competition for jobs, and a massive keeping up wiht the Joneses mentality. People see education as probably the only way out and up.

Added to all that, China has its unnaturally high sex ratio (1.2 males-per-female), which skews the dating marketplace and intensifies male competition. Many men work like slaves to avoid a wifeless and childless existence, prodded by their parents all the while.

Sad.