Parenting issues: "My son is a ..."

[Feathers]

Oh gosh,

It's not just an Asian thing either, it happens everywhere in the world to some degree I guess.. Maybe it's worse with some Asian parents, and with some others too?
I'm non-Asian and in our house academic achievement was emphasised/expected, well, 'to do your best'.. And Mum used inspiration such as 'You don't want to end up working in the wood factory'? Not all her techniques were 'right' and she nagged us a lot, she nagged Dad too.. But at least she never criticised us in public so that we'd hear it (that I'd know of.. maybe she criticised Dad sometimes..)

In our street, a Mum always put down her daughter (or praised her too much) and was very strict (corporate punishment) for bad grades - the daughter ended up in a bad relationships, some say she was on drugs for a while, low-paying jobs..
Equally old, another girl now has a good job and a good relationship.. Her parents never put her down like that and didn't use such severe punishment or bad-mouthing..

What to do in a tutoring situation? I guess you can speak to the parent privately (ask for a 'conference meeting' or such, like teachers do - I'm not sure if this is the right English term, as I'm not a native speaker..) I told one Grandma what she can do re: her hyperactive grandson: cut sugar and foods with additives, and gave her a book to read, about better communication with kids. There are good books and even seminars out there! Check if anything is available locally..

Also, some parents may feel guilty for what they see as 'lack of success' and may bad-mouth kids so you'd see them as 'caring parents' who 'did their part' and were stern with the kids.. They feel it's their duty to nag/criticise, or they'd be seen as 'spoiling the child'. They may not know of other, better techniques..

I think you can probably dig up some studies that say something like 'children treated this way do better academically and in life' etc and 'kids treated this way end up with mental health problems or low-paying jobs..' if this is all that is important to parents, they may listen. Good luck!!

 

[Waybuloo]

What to do in a tutoring situation? I guess you can speak to the parent privately (ask for a 'conference meeting' or such, like teachers do - I'm not sure if this is the right English term, as I'm not a native speaker..) I told one Grandma what she can do re: her hyperactive grandson: cut sugar and foods with additives, and gave her a book to read, about better communication with kids. There are good books and even seminars out there! Check if anything is available locally..

Also, some parents may feel guilty for what they see as 'lack of success' and may bad-mouth kids so you'd see them as 'caring parents' who 'did their part' and were stern with the kids.. They feel it's their duty to nag/criticise, or they'd be seen as 'spoiling the child'. They may not know of other, better techniques..

I think you can probably dig up some studies that say something like 'children treated this way do better academically and in life' etc and 'kids treated this way end up with mental health problems or low-paying jobs..' if this is all that is important to parents, they may listen. Good luck!!

I agree with talking to the parents about this, in an encouraging and supportive way. Maybe say that it's better for their morale when you encourage rather than criticise. Put a psychological spin and say that the more you say something to a child the more they tend to believe it, so it is counter intuitive to say they are crap if you want them to do good. It is better to have an inflated confidence than low self esteem. If you can't reach the parents I'd use all my powers to boost the kid's esteem myself. I think they are kind of lucky to have a tutor like yourself who has some insight on negativity and psychology.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Maybe it's just an Asian thing or rather those that I've observed, but I noticed many parents REALLY putting down their own children in front of others. E.g:

"He's lazy. He's not really that talented. She's not good at much of anything. She's too shy. He might as well be a girl for he behaves like one... etc". They seem especially intent on humiliating the youngest person in the family.

I tutor some children and the mother keeps criticizing the children even to the point of humiliation. There are some who are the opposite and can't stop praising their children or themselves.

What do you think of this? I always felt that parenting plays a huge role in how a person will turn out. If the parents keep telling the children that they are worthless, then how can they act surprised and angry when they are proven right? There's a saying that basically goes that 'what you tell your children is a prayer (for how they will turn out)...'

It's a parents job to encourage and support their child. That doesn't mean they should never say anything negative, but the child's feeling of self-worth comes from the feedback they receive. If that feedback is always negative, what other conclusion can the child possibly draw, other than that they have low worth? I hate to see parents behaving like this. It's a form of abuse in my opinion. It may not leave physical scars, but it can certainly leave emotional ones that will be there for the rest of that person's life.

 

[Silvox Black]

Off topic... Your avatar seems strangely familiar. Is it a Bozak (forgot how it's spelled) wizard from Dragonlance lore?

On topic: I actually like the collectivist thing, except that it's all too often taken into extremes. And it doesn't really benefit the whole community in some cases, just the few in power.

If I remember correctly, it was a cross between a Bozak and an Aurak. How astute of you to notice it is from Dragonlance though. I am an avid fan.

 

[yumesa]

I don't think its just Asians ... but I can't really say what other ethnicity also do this to their children. I try to look at the criticism as some messed up way of showing encouragement and try to prove them that you're not worthless. Or at least try to make them understand why you are the way your are. Sometimes I try to be optimistic about it and think "well at least they didn't abandon me" or "at least I don't live in a time were children are often put to hard work" otherwise I'd totally breakdown....

I don't think people realize that they are bad parents until they start parenting.