Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

God I hate this. Now I feel so bad and its like I am the horrible person. Because of what I wrote to him last night. He said he was physically sick from it. But he is over it now. But its like something has changed you know.

I hate this. It obv wasnt intended to be nasty or out of the blue- it was an attempt to be authentic and upfront and so overwhelmed with this long-term frustration and hurt. He cant see how difficult it is to be with him and how unappreciative and unemotional and interactive he seems/is.

He doesnt realise what that feels like - to give away yourself like that- your time and everything in between and all that energy to try and get some interaction out of him- like your dancing around him - buying him stuff- over doing yourself with things - for him and yet theres no real respect and acknowledgement really of that in a way that would satisfy your values/needs like a normal person.

Why do I have to be like the bad person. I said that I felt like I was the man in this relationship and he the woman. That is what I felt. That is what made him sick?

Well Ive been feeling sick for along time in physical stress from trying to cope. I think I am a very tough woman - because having an anxiety disorder and only just the last 2 years gotten out of social phobia hermit decades and fear of men. To now dealing with a partner with schizophrenia - something that even a person without a mental illness would find extremely hard. Having an anxiety disorder and doing it is even harder.

I guess I jsut have to think- yes I was spiteful last night. I wanted him to know so badly how bad I was feeling - I didnt want to hold it in anymore and I tried my best to compose that- whilst trying to refrain from being judging to him and sounding nasty but I mean how do you even go about that. Ive got to try to have some compassion for myself and the situation- even if its misunderstood on his part.

 

[grapevine]

It just surprises me how much apathy can be with his condition and how much you have to put in and not get anything in basics back, again and again, and again. It's just too much. Eventually, you feel like nothing and so emotionally drained and heartbroken and stressed over and over. And that feeling when he wants something from you even when you're so depleted and exhausted and gone out of your way- and he can't even see that. And when he can be so easily assertive and say no to things or not really appreciate things. Only a conscious effort on his behalf - which he does regularly- but it's not a natural thing for him. It's like autism almost.

And lately, he is just very immature in his language. Talking silliness - being silly and joking around on an immature level. Its seems that is the only way he can communicate with me anymore. Yet, it feels even more draining when he is able to talk to his best friend respectfully and not in that way and many other people.

And then, there is that thing where, you know I can say I have done so much for him- over and beyond and I try not to expect anything in return as it was my doing and it's just things I end up doing. But a number of times I have spent money on him and when I'd take him out- it seems had been the basis of the relationship. So when all this week and last - and he tells me he has no money. He has no money - not even $12 to spend on new water for his fish that are swimming in green goo. Which last time he took forever to replace and I felt bad for the fish as they could die and no matter how many times I reminded him or tried to inspire him somehow to get new water - even offering to help- he just wouldn't do it- so I ended up buying the water then. And now its back to green again because he never cleans the filter. But its not my responsibility.
But my point is, he had been telling me that he had no money at all. And he would go around with tiny coins. But on the phone last night, as his friend is coming down from the city to jam with him tomorrow, and they used to do ice drug together- and then he promised me at the start of this year that he would stop doing it and smashed his pipe thing - after I really got upset about it over and over- it's something against my values. But then later, he compromised and said only when his friend comes down.
But anyway, he said on the phone that he had some cash on him for some drugs if his friend was going to get some. And Im like???
Dont know how much money he means - but Im thinking prob a 20 - 30 or 50 dollars on him.
When he tells me he hasnt the fuel, when we dont go anywhere because he has no money- when Im always taking us or he drives my car to places Ive suggested.. to try and make him happy and have a day out. When Ive bought things for him at the supermarket and so on.
I used to even charge his phone.
What Im saying is , that he will save that money to spend with his friend on drugs rather than spend it on me. He has never really spent money on me. I will say that he has bought me some take away chips maybe twice and the presents that he gave me for my bday and Xmas were cents worth of tiny soft toys from thrift shops and small ornamental brick-a-brack from thrift stores - worth cents and given to me to display in his place on my side of the room. Whereas I've bought him a new phone for his bday- an iPhone and he still goes around with his old cheap $50 one with a crack and takes his film and photos with it because the cord is faulty and doesn't upload to his computer. Even though I tell him that he can just do it by the wifi. And hell never fork out $8 or so to get himself a new charger- it has to be me that would have to get it for him and Im not going to- despite me feeling deeply annoyed with him not using the phone for the purpos of me getting it for him- that everytime we go for a walk- he is there with his old phone taking photos and videos - it makes me angry. At least he uses the wifi on it- and receives messages and phonecalls. He doesnt make any calls because he cant afford it.
I jsut feel so used and spat out. How can he be so selfish and not even know you know. And then if I am to say- he will not understand and think its out of knowwhere and feel targeted and then it ends up with me prob having to apologise and say that I am not well and so on.

 

[BlueDays]

This relationship with your boyfriend has been...

You; giving 99% and Him; giving 1%
You; taking 1% and Him; taking 99%

for so, so, so long.

When you try to communicate the unfairness of it to him, he just gets defensive - calling you a "F$$%head". After all this time, he is never going to change. Why do you still think he will?

You need to find a boyfriend who gives something more back - emotionally and physically - in the relationship than just %1.

It would be better off for your mental health finding someone who gives back even 20% to the relationship!

You need to find a boyfriend who takes less from you than 99% in the relationship all. the. time. As you said you feel "chewed up and spat out".

There is no need to feel guilty for wanting to end this and go find someone else who does not expect you to emotionally and physically give 99% continually, and expect you to be happy with him taking 99% and only giving 1%, continually.

From the description you have given in this thread, this is not a 'romantic relationship'. How you have described it sounds more like is a mother/son relationship. Hell, even sons give back more to their mother than 1%!!

You have been so patient with him and given him every possible chance to change.
Grapevine, no one could be expected to put up with a partner taking 99% from you all the time, and only giving you 1% back. He makes you feel guilty because it keeps the status quo going that only he benefits from. :sad:

 

[grapevine]

I just feel so depressed today. His apathy is so depressing and distressing.It feels like im nothing. I mean in a relationship and theres this dumbfounded rudeness and omg moments where he can just not even acknowledge me and my feelings eben my physical ones - when im not well.

He is all emotionally dead today and pro thinking all about his drugs as his friend is comingin the afternoon. Im glad i went home last night. He seems like such a selfish man despite his illness. And I really just aint coping at this point. I keep doing it- being there for him and getting hardly a thing in return. I feel like nothing : /

 

[grapevine]

I seem to think, how much of his illness creates his apathy and the negative effects and how much of it is actually conscious and a habit?

The reason I think this is because I notice he can be different to other people than with me sometimes. Prob because he is just used to me more and can be himself idk.

Schizophrenia is different for everyone i assume. For him, you know you see a person and others around him act like there is nothing wrong - including his family and he is functional - yet in this relationship I have to be the carer yet his family dont see that. And it sux.

And I know that I have a huge depression when I think about leaving. Because for a year I gave my life away for him basically. Sleeping over and living basically in his garage with him - him being so needy of me and me having to make sacrifices all the time of giving up my hobbies and everything. Even when I could do them, there would be him on the phone saying how long I was going to be and not to rush. That sort of thing.
I come from a belief that no guy would ever want me. I used to be so overweight because of abuse from my past. I was asexual for a very long time and very sheltered from society. Deep in social phobia. And I always thought it was never something that I could do was to get a man, actually have someone attracted to me.

But I have since, had quite a few men attracted to me that have come and gone at work. But at the moment I've lost my mojo- all my self-care- and my strengthened individuality has gone down hill fast and Ive put on weight and so stressed and look like a mess. This relationship has been very intrusive where I feel so exposed with no time to be about to breath and have my own time for privacy and reflection and all that. Theres no respect and time to fully care for myself. I feel so over - exposed. I jsut want to change myself and close off and protect myself again. Nurture and become someone else evolved.

 

[grapevine]

Im just having a bad day. I think my comfort can also be rest assred in journalling lol. I realise I can play a role in my own mind of the victim and I want to be conscious of that- whilst being able to indulge in it when I need to. I get that what I am taking on is heartbreaking for me. And im feeling so lost in to trying to find how to give myself back things that I cannot get from him in return.

 

[grapevine]

Realised I've got adrenal fatigue.

 

[theslowesthand]

Realised I've got adrenal fatigue.

.....

 

[Megaten]

I suppose on the bright side you seem to have gathered some sense of self worth out of this whole ordeal.

 

[grapevine]

I suppose on the bright side you seem to have gathered some sense of self-worth out of this whole ordeal.

Yes - I think. That is what my therapist has said


So I had planned from the start of this week to have a fortnight to myself. I had noticed that I had been getting racing heartbeats all the time - and so out of breath and exhausted from just walking 50 mitres or less. I'd been overdoing it still and also gotten another flu that I still hadn't recovered from the other one fully.

So I read that Id likely from guessing and then researching that its Adrenal Fatigue - or more likely Nervous Breakdown. Where my body is having issues with its arenal glands causing the whole hormonal system into haywire- including crippled immunity to colds.

ITs funny because I had been worried for a month now of this rapid heart beat thing. Im generally a really healthy person and into health on the extreme end as its my hobby and makes me feel good. But out of stress I havent been able to really look after myself properly at all. And Id been feeling so worried about my heart actiing up like this.
Then it came on the news about a thing called broken heart syndrome - a newly discovered heart disease/illness that can arise from stress. And I have felt that I have had that perhaps. Well I def had symptoms of a racing heart. Ive made sure to get all my vitamins - including B12.

But its jsut all the emotional and severe physical stress Im under that is causing it.

But anyway, as I was saying- I started this week with staying home- since last Saturday or Sunday. I had a relaxing time at home for once- in my own world.
And Rugs was obliged and said yes to a fortnight to myself mainly - well staying at home.

But then a phone call on a Tuesday evening - whilst I was laying in bed trying to calm my nerves and breathe deep- ( I also get nausea all the time now and digestive issues)- the phone rang and it was Rugs telling me that his dad was dead. His dad who lives with him and his family- had passed away with a heart attack.
So I had to rush over there to support him and the others if needed. Of course, I just stayed in the garage whilst all the drama was about with the funeral director and police etc. But it was a big trauma for rugs and his mum and sister who all live together with his dad in that house.

Rugs had just finished watching a film with his sister and went to see his dad in his music room and saw that he was in an odd position in sitting at his desk and his face was all blue and purple apparently. He told his mum and sister that he thought that the dad had passed away and they came running and the mother was yelling and crying frantically as they all helped apply CPR on him. The father had had tuna and cruskets and Rugs gave CPR and had his dad's old vomit in his mouth. They had the ambulance brought in and a pump and all that - it was hands on and very traumatic for them all.
The mother was screaming and yelling her husband not to leave him- and it really disturbed rugs and his sister as they had never seen her like that before.
I fortunately was not present when all this happened.

But turned up after he was prounced dead. And was in the shed when they wheeled him out the house.

Both Rugs and his sister had to be the ones to be supportive and responsibile since then. For once. They both looked like stunned rabbits in a headlight - it was truamatic for me too.

The father recently hada new stent put in his heart. And we think it went loose.

The mother has been taking it so much harder I think.

But anyway- it meant that I had to since give up my plans of solitude and there was no time to recover from my bad health. Ive had to be there for him again - but more so now. Dragging myself over there when Ive got no energy at all and just generally exhausted and sick.

Rugs has been getting a bit better since that truama a few days ago.

Its weird because I was saying that I really wished that he could be independent and responsible for his own money rather than his dad having it all - as his beneficiary.

We had to go down and transfer his payments to his dusty old bank account that had no money in it. He hasnt had a bankcard in for ever I think. And stop them going into his deceased father's.
I made the guy at the welfare explain to rugs that he was eligable for the disablitiy pension. And from him hearing it their way - he realised that he was and wondered why his dad never put him and even his sister on it years ago.

So he might apply for that.

He is having to now be responsible for his own stuff now - rather than his dad- and whether he can get by doing that is to be seen. But we are trying to put a sfety net in place. With bank apps and things like that.

Ive had to be there for him/them and endure hearing the emotional trauma at a time when Im going through my own very stressfull period physucally and emotionally.

They are going to have to move out of the house because they cannot/ will not be able to afford it anymore with the fatehr gone.

Ive been so exuasted and stressed. Im falling asleep wring this lol

 

[grapevine]

Im craving autonomy so much all the time. Even though sometimes I dont want it. If I really listen to my inner desires- I do want it. I want to have a freedom back and not feel so weighed down and expected from others all the time. I want to be my own person again. One of the best recent years I had was 2015 and the start last year. I feel so sick of being a person that doesn't support the lifestyle and values within me to the full extent.

I just want to be able to have the time to freely spend days relaxing and resting and getting better and not being around others for a while. To then having the energy to go through things in my mind - with reflection and understanding so that I can get through things to be able to get to my needs and goals back. And then have the fun of pursuing them in freedom.

Right now I am so exhausted. I worked the last 2 days. The nights before as Rugs father past I had to drag myself over there and that was a traumatic thing to see on them as a bystander. Hardly had any sleep that night. And then the next day I worked. Then that night he wanted me over and he got hormonal and wanted to get it on. Only it took nearly all night as his thingy kept going down and I was already severely exhausted when I went over there. To go through a marathon of 4 hours or more of his optimism that his thingy could return. I was so tired and basically asleep - but having to pull his thingy into the wee hours of the night. My arms were burning.
So now it's Saturday and I had to get up to take my mum shopping. I've had my lunch and then having a laydown. ITs freezing and raining here- in the midst of winter. Rugs sad he was depressed today a bit. So i have to go over in an hour. But I don't want to. Im too exahausted to get in the car and drive all the way over to his place again and then be in his environment. And putting off anything I would like to do.
I do that everyday really. I be assrtive and have time to do my things when I say but its always time limited.
I always feel like Im holding my breath and pushing myself so hard to be there for others and not myself.
I just want to sleep in my bed and jornal and then do gardening and these lucky dips I do for work for kids. I want to sort of my mind and heal things - find a plan to get me away from where I am now.
But because Rugs dad has died- and he has gone through a truama I have to put myself last again?

 

[theslowesthand]

I feel saddened at this loss, even though i never knew him except through your words. Sad for everyone involved. :sad:

Death, eh?
I don't know what to say
There's nothing i can say
Death has the final word
Death really is quite absurd

 

[grapevine]

I feel saddened at this loss, even though i never knew him except through your words. Sad for everyone involved. :sad:

Death, eh?
I don't know what to say
There's nothing i can say
Death has the final word
Death really is quite absurd

Yeah, its quite sad. But its getting better. At least he is able to talk to me about his feelings more than his family. He insists not going to his dad's funeral this week. Some of his family will be there (uncle/aunty etc) and theyhave a bit of a rift between them and he says he gets violent thoughts ( what he calls his psychosis- though its not hearing voices or anything like that - just gets angry and told me thinks of murder and things like that to people who may of done things wrong to his family). I tell him that (from what I've researched) schizophrenic's can have intensities of anger in them with no real cause. Its just how the brain is wired atm. He told me that listening to loud heavy metal on his earphones and pacing around and looking up the lyrics makes him help get it out his system.
He plans on going with me to a town away during the funeral and feeding the ducks at a duck pond as his way of saying goodbye. But I know that he is likely going to regret that. - He always has a hard time with planning things. He cannot stick to things. That is why I told him to see how he feels and he might change his mind- but he was determined to say he wasnt going.

I have always been disturb with him anyways. Prior to me being in his life- his garage was filled with real life murder books - 100s of them. All about serial killers and gang killings - all sorts. He used to read them in detail. Then he just collected them. As a thing. And displayed them in his room. Since Ive been there - he is not really interested in them anymore and is more into vintage cartoon figurines like Hee-man and such.Which we like to look at in 2nd shops to find even obscure figurines. We have a Steve Urwin and a Liam Neesen figurine lol.

But yeah, it gets disturbing. I am not one to believe in cliches and stigmas about things- especially mental illness. I always try to understand things from many sides before making judgement. Which perhaps clouds the obvious sometimes. He may be a dangerous person still- I dont know. Despite being medicated. When he told me he was thinking violent things (which happened to be laying in bed with him) I asked should I sleep with one eye open (which of course he renditioned Metalica lol), and he came out with he would never do anything to his family (which includes me) at his place. But, how many incidences happen out of the blue, where someone in his condition gets in a state and just does stuff you know?
My intuition feels a little at ease with him since his father's truama/death on Tuesday last week. It was traumatic for the family and seeing the mother scream and they all pitching in to resuscitate. I am glad I was not there that night when it happened - though I came over after he rang me.

It has put me out a bit. He is lower than most he has been. But he is making an effort to know his needs and let me know how he is and what he can and can't do each day.
Maybe I should watch that episode of Dawson's creek when Dawson's father died ? :question::sad:

Im having a bit of time to myself . But its not the extended time I would like, but making the most of it I guess.

Im so far behind in feeling good about myself atm. And ive been digging into food I havent had in a long long time that does not serve me at all and does the opposite. Esp with reactions.
Its hard to try and take away that pressure of being in a relationship. I just want to let go and hibernate mentally for long time - what Ive always done. As I just like now- end up spiralled out of control with stress and anxiety and then my health and food choices go down and then I feel numb and depressed and not my full potential etc..
Though I dont believe in this, it is a pattern Ive been through in the past - but I believe im better than it. I believe what I believe.

Its just been so much energy input in to him and his life and feeling lost from mine. There are so many donts in lifestyle from him that I just dont want in my life. Just different.

And just - that my goals in my life - are quite different from norm. Ive been into raw vegan for 10 years or more and been trying to go raw for that long. To of finally got there last year and the year before and felt so amazing physically and mentally (with ups and downs) - I was able to move forward with my life without those old barriers. I felt so fresh and free and my identity felt right. I was living for a time, as I wanted to be. What I worked for became my reality and it all felt right.

But now - that raw vegan person feels so lost in the world of this guy that likes his tobacco and smoking all the time- and tonnes of re-doing his hair with hairspray and his take on the world. All so different to mine.

My goal of detoxing and feeling better in my body and more alive and thriving- healthy nutrient dense.. getting further away from the dogma of society where Id always hated being a slave to the processed foods in the shopping isles. To be able to be free of that - and free from the grip of the norm of society - just felt so liberating and awesome. It strengthened who I was inside and aligned with my values. Living consciously - something Id been wanting to do for so long- but my mind was too much into the addiction of processed foods numbing my pain. For 10 years id be journaling about how I wanted to live away from that- and what I wanted. And I couldn't seem to give it up, until I did so- the time was right as I had a motive.
And that motive was to loose my weight of 82 kg because Rugs was at my work and showed a friendly interest in me. That was my kick in the bum, it was boys. I wanted to show (really myself) that I could really intensely look after and care myself in a way that really made me value myself again. It was hard with BDD, up and down all the time- but I played it well and went through it. Really indulging in the self-care was really a huge happiness for me. I was loving myself and I lost the weight so easily and even gained muscle very quickly. Going down to 52 kg in 6 months and fit as a fiddle. So much energy and juicing every morning.
I looked after my skin well, my hair, my food - despite feeling not great about myself at times and judging my appearance- I couldn't help but still feel valued and like a princess- just because of the self-care and attention I had finally given myself.

So now, when I fast forward my life- I went from this time last year (when I first went out with rugs) - being able to breathe so freshly and think and feel freshly - being light in weight and really on a role independently with my health and MY life
to now putting on weight- (nearly 70kg i weigh now- doesnt show much - but I feel it)- unfit, in a rut, sick of myself - never any energy- low freedom, lack of motivation - always overwhelmed - and I have a low case of adrenal burnout.

I just want to be able to have the freedom and time to myself to be able to sleep in my own bed every night, do my own stuff every day- and start to really look after myself again- set up my intentions and motivation again and really start to indulge back into myself- love -in the form of self care. To feel that raw again-

But the thing is- Im aways wanted over his place and in his world and my times are always limited with my own things to accommodate him. All the time.

Up until his father's death- we had negotiated a 2 week to myself. (Which I was going to prolong another 2 weeks as I know I need a much-needed break). Sleeping in his room/cold garage and in his world away from mine all the time- and unable to really do my self-care routine there - including my food. I mean I am always eating on the go with him. Under pressure to go over and fastly cooking my tea and eating fast all the time or to take over. I never get that relaxed at home feel at my own place anymore. There is always pressure.

That is why I feel like I just want to go back to my good old days of being on my own and doing my own thing.
It's very hard to deal with someone who seems to want you all the time and takes you away from your own life/independence basically. When you have been used to be un-social for so long. To going the opposite. There is so much you can only stretch til - you bounce back. I just really want a break.

I want to spend days in bed, sleeping and relaxing and then journaling and then getting the motivation to starting again and finding out what I want and how I am going to get it and also setting out a plan of self-care again etc..

And also spending my time gardening ( which I am doing anyways: ) ).

But to just be able to have that long break- where I could have that time without any pressure from him, to be able to build myself back up and get on top of my own internal and even external world of my life.

I was so looking forward to solitude until this happened. His dad's death. But it has made him at least be responsible for his own money now and maybe I might get some more days to myself.

Writing this has made me feel better. Ive been at it with food I normally dont eat this week as its been a stressful one.

To get into the mood where your ready to nurture and -rechange your diet again can be hard when your stressed.

 

[theslowesthand]

Are you an introvert? I am. You seem like an introvert (& :. requiring much alone time)

 

[grapevine]

Are you an introvert? I am. You seem like an introvert (& :. requiring much alone time)

Yeah I think so. I remember as a kid waiting for my cousins to go home so I could play in the corner on my own lol.

 

[theslowesthand]

And what about rugs - would he be extrovert or introvert?? (that could be a tricky question!)

 

[grapevine]

And what about rugs - would he be extrovert or introvert?? (that could be a tricky question!)

He seems to want to around people all the time but is very selective. And not very social but is a social person and likes being socially interactive all the time.
Also likes to do his own things too.

So im not really sure. But I do know that he thrives socially and that I def like my space and being on my own much more than him.

He has insecurity issues with being on his own at all the time - esp at night and it sux because I feel used from it. I have to fill that void for him out of his own fear and end of losing my own life really. : /

 

[grapevine]

I feel so flat this Saturday. Weeks go by where I am rushing like mad, day by day- cant even have my tea in peace- because Im rushing eating and trying to fit everything in time plots to be able to go over to his at a certain time most evenings.

Since his dad passed Ive had to be there for him at a time when I was severely wanting to get back into my own life. When Ive got nothing left of myself. I feel like nothing because I dont get to be me.

I dont get the luxury of just being home all the time without time constraints - be in my own bed and have my own freedom and time to pursue my goals and things I want to do.
I feel like my identity is in ruins too. Everything I stand for an am- I feel like ive just put all of that on hold to help rugs. Its not right and Im having trouble trying to find this balance where I can eventually let go at some point in the future.

 

[grapevine]

Tooth ache

 

[BlueDays]

Tooth ache

^ Do you have easy access to a Dentist? I have heard that a toothache can be severely painful.
I don't know how people could stand toothaches back before pain relief was invented. :idontknow:

In the old days before 'dentists' and the ability to fill tooth cavities, people used to just have the aching tooth pulled out with pliers. Just the thought of the pain associated with that makes me want to faint. :sad: