grapevine
Well-known member
Ive never heard of that term - but it sounds hilarious :bigsmile:
Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life
- Thread starter grapevine
- Start date
Ive never heard of that term - but it sounds hilarious :bigsmile:
grapevine
Well-known member
Well - Im sorry to most friends that I have lately and anymore who encounters me online too. I just get so entangled in my own mess that I just dont have anything left to give to others anymore for this time.
This relationship feels so heavy to me and takes up a lot of energy and then when Ive got the spare time - there is family to be with and then others. But I dont even get to family these days.
And even most silly- I don't even get to myself.
Im not used to being so social. I've spent decades being completely un-social. Just one person that seems to want me all the time- and I seem to neglect myself in order to give to him = not being able to really give.
Its funny when you know these things- yet cant figure out a way to structure things in a way that is not going to be this way anymore.
To be able to do this - so that I have free time with myself to do what ever is such a luxury now. Going out with such a demanding person that just wants to be around me because of loneliness and lack of things in his own life- that he doesnt even realise.With someone that has no structure in his life really at all- and will change his mind almost all the time on things- give up easily on things. Like if I were at home and wanting my space and doing my own things- he would change his mind and turn up or ring up and ask how long I would be- that sort of thing- that it makes it very hard to be myself. I dont get to. I dont get to do basic things-
I feel like a slave to his empty lifestyle.
I get depressed easily now. Because I get so disappointed from my expectations that even are slight towards him. And it makes me into an abusive girlfriend kind of. I prob don't even realise how bad I am - things that I imply to him and stuff and throwing emotional tantrums.
But he is like a sad wanderer or an immature man-child or an empty enthusiastic man with no where to go and nothing to do -
There is so much lack of respect I have to him. His values are missing - he doesnt seem to be mature enough to know where he is and where he is going.
Even with being home and away from him- it just really frustrates and stressed me out.
I jsut cant seem to get away from it. And he can be so selfish too.
When I go all out of my way for him all the time. That sort of thing. I'm still doing it. I do it because I seem to think that if I do this or that it will fill up that lack of excitement and other things from this relationship.
That it will maybe relieve and forget about the disappointment. That maybe it will make him mirror me and also do something as good to me. But in reality, it wont and it doesnt.
It just creates more resentment.
Everytime I want to just go away for awhile and try to get prespective and find myself again. Just some of myself. He turns up again.
ast weekend he had his friend over his place so I got to have some acutal time on my own in my own environment. And it was sad because I have lost myself.
I just think about this time last year, which is when I started to go out with him.
But back then I was an independent person and single and enjoying being in my own world and being really detoxed and on a very high raw vegan diet and in my element and adding to my good habits - I remember I could smell things better then and that I was lighter and that I was completely in touch with my emotions -that I was working through them all the time that my identity was healthy and I knew myself more than ever - and my 'new' self.
I loved it. And I felt emotions all the time. I had good emotions then. A deep sense of self and who I was and how my lifestyle was.
If I jsut listen to a song ( an Aurora song) it takes me back to last year where I did have these emotions for rugs somewhat and for who I was - and how different I was then.
That person I really really really really want to get back to. I desire it so badly. Andthe only way that I can do that is to spend loads of amounts of time with myself and do my raw food thing again- delve into my passion again and detox again and stop sacrificing who I am in order to make another person feel less bad.
I really want to go back to where I was leading then. I was on a role health wise and emotionally and physically.
Im so happy I know that this is where I want to go. Its just a matter of being able to have the room to do it within this relationship.
I am in a toxic relationship because it stops me from growing - it does the other- and its just because we are very different and lack the same things- values and lifestyles etc.
He will always be that person he is and I will always be wanting to change and desire more and be a goal setter. Maybe?
Anyways.
This relationship feels so heavy to me and takes up a lot of energy and then when Ive got the spare time - there is family to be with and then others. But I dont even get to family these days.
And even most silly- I don't even get to myself.
Im not used to being so social. I've spent decades being completely un-social. Just one person that seems to want me all the time- and I seem to neglect myself in order to give to him = not being able to really give.
Its funny when you know these things- yet cant figure out a way to structure things in a way that is not going to be this way anymore.
To be able to do this - so that I have free time with myself to do what ever is such a luxury now. Going out with such a demanding person that just wants to be around me because of loneliness and lack of things in his own life- that he doesnt even realise.With someone that has no structure in his life really at all- and will change his mind almost all the time on things- give up easily on things. Like if I were at home and wanting my space and doing my own things- he would change his mind and turn up or ring up and ask how long I would be- that sort of thing- that it makes it very hard to be myself. I dont get to. I dont get to do basic things-
I feel like a slave to his empty lifestyle.
I get depressed easily now. Because I get so disappointed from my expectations that even are slight towards him. And it makes me into an abusive girlfriend kind of. I prob don't even realise how bad I am - things that I imply to him and stuff and throwing emotional tantrums.
But he is like a sad wanderer or an immature man-child or an empty enthusiastic man with no where to go and nothing to do -
There is so much lack of respect I have to him. His values are missing - he doesnt seem to be mature enough to know where he is and where he is going.
Even with being home and away from him- it just really frustrates and stressed me out.
I jsut cant seem to get away from it. And he can be so selfish too.
When I go all out of my way for him all the time. That sort of thing. I'm still doing it. I do it because I seem to think that if I do this or that it will fill up that lack of excitement and other things from this relationship.
That it will maybe relieve and forget about the disappointment. That maybe it will make him mirror me and also do something as good to me. But in reality, it wont and it doesnt.
It just creates more resentment.
Everytime I want to just go away for awhile and try to get prespective and find myself again. Just some of myself. He turns up again.
ast weekend he had his friend over his place so I got to have some acutal time on my own in my own environment. And it was sad because I have lost myself.
I just think about this time last year, which is when I started to go out with him.
But back then I was an independent person and single and enjoying being in my own world and being really detoxed and on a very high raw vegan diet and in my element and adding to my good habits - I remember I could smell things better then and that I was lighter and that I was completely in touch with my emotions -that I was working through them all the time that my identity was healthy and I knew myself more than ever - and my 'new' self.
I loved it. And I felt emotions all the time. I had good emotions then. A deep sense of self and who I was and how my lifestyle was.
If I jsut listen to a song ( an Aurora song) it takes me back to last year where I did have these emotions for rugs somewhat and for who I was - and how different I was then.
That person I really really really really want to get back to. I desire it so badly. Andthe only way that I can do that is to spend loads of amounts of time with myself and do my raw food thing again- delve into my passion again and detox again and stop sacrificing who I am in order to make another person feel less bad.
I really want to go back to where I was leading then. I was on a role health wise and emotionally and physically.
Im so happy I know that this is where I want to go. Its just a matter of being able to have the room to do it within this relationship.
I am in a toxic relationship because it stops me from growing - it does the other- and its just because we are very different and lack the same things- values and lifestyles etc.
He will always be that person he is and I will always be wanting to change and desire more and be a goal setter. Maybe?
Anyways.
theslowesthand
Banned
Posting this question yet again
(Don't mean to pry or be pushy, but i just would like to know, if possible (call me obsessive!
))
grapevine
Well-known member
Posting this question yet again
(Don't mean to pry or be pushy, but i just would like to know, if possible (call me obsessive!
Well his name starts with R, and I remember the first night that I stayed over his place and I was watching movies on the couch and had a large rug on me that kept falling to the floor.
And I remembered that- so I called him 'Rugs' lol :applause:
grapevine
Well-known member
God damn it, there is just a pattern with me in this relationship of knowing what is going to happen, yet using motivation from the slightest expectation and excitement that may occur - so that I can push myself to be with him.
Yet it's then that I hit my head in disappointment once again and again and again. Feeling so frustrated and disappointed and annoyed and mostly hurting inside. It makes you feel so unappreciated and so depressed and want to act out in ways that will hurt you somehow - because it's how you feel.
And its alot to do with also that in order to be pollite and not hurt his feelings - that I usually have to (everyday) put my own stuff on the back burner - again and again and again..
and just give up my own passions and lifestyle things - in order to be with him - because he is very needy of my pressence for some unhealthy reason if his - that it is unhealthy behaviour - and odd - yet he doesnt see it that way. It just gets too much.
Because when he is with me. He is not with me. So I end up feeling hyjacked each time.
Giving up anything - my own time- to spend time with him and he is never 'present' with me. just ignores me and does his thing.
So of course I feel annoyed and all that.
Yet it's then that I hit my head in disappointment once again and again and again. Feeling so frustrated and disappointed and annoyed and mostly hurting inside. It makes you feel so unappreciated and so depressed and want to act out in ways that will hurt you somehow - because it's how you feel.
And its alot to do with also that in order to be pollite and not hurt his feelings - that I usually have to (everyday) put my own stuff on the back burner - again and again and again..
and just give up my own passions and lifestyle things - in order to be with him - because he is very needy of my pressence for some unhealthy reason if his - that it is unhealthy behaviour - and odd - yet he doesnt see it that way. It just gets too much.
Because when he is with me. He is not with me. So I end up feeling hyjacked each time.
Giving up anything - my own time- to spend time with him and he is never 'present' with me. just ignores me and does his thing.
So of course I feel annoyed and all that.
theslowesthand
Banned
"Together alone" - is that what he's after? (rather than "alone alone" by himself)
(rather than "alone alone" by himself)There seems to be a pattern going on here? :question:
grapevine
Well-known member
"Together alone" - is that what he's after?
There seems to be a pattern going on here? :question:
Yep
lol.
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grapevine
Well-known member
How do I tell him that I need space to myself and that I just dont want to be with him every night. That I want my damn space to do what ever I please. Not to have to be always in his space, and not always with him in my space having to entertain him.
And then having to feel pressured all of the time when I actually do my own thing- that I feel like I am on a time limit.
Alway ringing up the home phone and asking how I long I will be and things like that.
Its put me - completely over any attraction really.
Today he was successful in being responsible and everything. He took my mum and me out. He was being awesome. But the thing is now, that no matter what he does, Im just not attracted anymore. I just dont get my own space to be my own person. Its like hit hit hit to my personal time/space. Im not used to that and it feels invasive.
Considering we are opposite people.
In my world - If Im going out with someone, I need/want my space so that I can go and do my girl things- my independent things- and reflect and relax and work on myself etc. But I just dont get to do that. And because I dont get to do that, it means I give up on myself. He is givng me hardly no room to be independent.
And then having to feel pressured all of the time when I actually do my own thing- that I feel like I am on a time limit.
Alway ringing up the home phone and asking how I long I will be and things like that.
Its put me - completely over any attraction really.
Today he was successful in being responsible and everything. He took my mum and me out. He was being awesome. But the thing is now, that no matter what he does, Im just not attracted anymore. I just dont get my own space to be my own person. Its like hit hit hit to my personal time/space. Im not used to that and it feels invasive.
Considering we are opposite people.
In my world - If Im going out with someone, I need/want my space so that I can go and do my girl things- my independent things- and reflect and relax and work on myself etc. But I just dont get to do that. And because I dont get to do that, it means I give up on myself. He is givng me hardly no room to be independent.
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Megaten
Well-known member
Just say you "want more time to do your own things". This is why so many guys have a man cave. So that we're not in each other's face all the time and we can do loud and obnoxious guy stuff.
Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
grapevine
Well-known member
Well I took this advice and have been getting better at doing this. Though Ive had the cold and its been a bit hard to even do anything lately.
Im finding it more and more in my mind of the thought of departing from him. Preparing myself to re-find me and have things in hand from the lack when I eventually let it go.
Things are getting so distance anyway between us- there is no further to go as there is nothing he can do in his life that is different to whatever he does and he doesnt really do anything and cannot help himself literally.
Its the same thing over and over- and Im just playing a role- there is no deep connection really - and he has no general knowledge much and the lack of communication - always dis-interested in things- jsut trying to hold a conversation - start one is my intiative. He is always distant and in his mind. It goes with him.
I am realising so much more now that he is def not on that pedastool I had him on ages ago. But its just a thought and how im going to leave him atm.
I feel like the more im in my world and working things out- the more i see and feel that he is not for me. and the more we fall apart - even with his blinders. I have to orchestrate the ramifications and the acts in my mind of breaking it off with him. I feel so depressed because im basically his all at the moment his life is a hijack of mine almost.
Im his world.
I have to be careful because of his mental health.
And I have no idea how to and when i will do it. Its so depressing.
Going out with a guy that has no life or money and is basically mentally insane. He is not someone that a girl can rely on for most things other than loyalty and love and thats kind of it.
All the other stuff like security, communucation, sanity, values,health, responsibilty, is not there.
Im playing a role and shrinking myself for him. I have to be immature to talk to him.
theslowesthand
Banned
Perhaps your time together was only ever "meant" to be brief? For both of you to learn maybe a thing or two? And then move on...
The attraction was strong enough for you to get together, and stay together till now, so that certain life lessons could be learnt.
The attraction was strong enough for you to get together, and stay together till now, so that certain life lessons could be learnt.
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grapevine
Well-known member
Yeah, I have learnt and experienced so much, and I feel like - hey I can work this one out - and that he is there is a comfort - as I am not alone. But its a gut intuition that tells me Im not supposed to be with him.
But its like - I just cannot throw someone out like that. Its like your waiting for some validation to be able to do so. I am thinking about doing it in spring.
So that I have that time to show him its not working. I cant do the bandaid way, well the ripping it off way.
But its like - I just cannot throw someone out like that. Its like your waiting for some validation to be able to do so. I am thinking about doing it in spring.
So that I have that time to show him its not working. I cant do the bandaid way, well the ripping it off way.
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Megaten
Well-known member
Yeah I'd have a hard time doing that too. Even though y'all may not be right for each other it's not like you hate him.
Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
grapevine
Well-known member
He has no clue too. And put me as part of his thing that makes up for other things in his life. And that he tries so hard and changed quite a bit. He has opened everything of his world up to me.
Its like - I said yes to him last year as I had a crush and wanted validation from him that I was attractive and wanted a guy to reverse things that happened to me. And the fact that he flirted than ignored me and flirted and then ignored me and then asked me over kind of like a date but not - and was very gentleman to me- it all made me crave all that attraction stuff.
But I think the reality was that he was alone and not thinking about relationships. He was in a drug world on ice and thinking about his past all the time and some other girl from many years ago. And that is why he was on and off with me. He didn't see me as all that I guess, until he got to know me and then got hooked.
And he asked me out because he realised I wasn't someone that would hurt him like the last woman that basically made fun of his psychotic rampage/ramblings I assume and then tried to get away from it. I just wanted to be that girl that he could put on a pedestal- be that one that was the prettiest he had ever seen - like he talked about that ex of his which wasn't really a thing anyways.
I just wanted to heal from my abusive past. And so immature about relationships. When he asked me out - I had a surge of self-esteem because I thought I was never even someone to ask out from a guy. I'd spent years in social isolation at home and overweight too in my past.
So, of course, I said yes.And I knew then that he wasnt really the right guy, even then- but I thought that this could be a casual dating thing and nothing serious. That, here was a guy that I was actually comfortable with - that just happened to have mental health issues too and lived at home also.
Id always felt that, because of my illness and lack of career or good income that I was never a contender to be a partner for anyone. Even though now I am on the disability pension and work a few days a week and get paid.
By going out with him, I had realised that I am perhaps, maybe could see myself as a worthy partner to some guy with an income and everything.
And because of him I know what my needs are more now in a relationship.
But I never really saw him as someone that I was to be serious with and I said to him at the start to take it slow and all.
But it went from that to very intense even when I didn't want it to. All of a sudden, my whole life - my home, my hobbies, everything that was me- was given up in order to be with him and he was very needy. I've had 10 months of not really seeing my family, giving up my responsibilities, my home life, my hobbies .. I don't do that now- but I found it hard to be assertive with him as he would want to follow me to do those things and it felt awkward - so I would keep giving them up.
I learnt my lesson anyways.
This relationship hasn't left room to for me to grow, he is not someon that can encourage me to be my best - its kinda the opposite. Im shrinking for him. And when Im not- im not with him- or it feels so horrid- so mean almost- to have things in my life to be passionate about and he has so many lack of in his and wants me with him really - yet cannot entertain me.
(he just sits with his back to me all the time and goes on the computer basically- whilst making sure im comfortable- we cant even talk - have a proper conversation because of his illness). Its just like hanging around someone with no responsibilities or cares with immaturity and talking like a 12 year old.
I cant put myself, put him as a provider for me, i mean what does it say to me? That I have no self esteem ..
He is so clueless and cant help himself. He gets bored at home- has nothing to do - but cant take himself out of that. He has no motivation or thoguht process to be able to have his own needs met.
Its very stressful trying to always please him because he is not there emotionally- and looks all depressed. To come over to see me and he cant even hold a conversation. Hell just come over as he has to spend every night with me, and then he sleeps at 7:30- 8:30 ... and its like .. what? Im not going to bed that early.. and then he snores and its like all the things that I could have done that evening .. are all stopped so that he can come over just to sleep. Even I put this fold up bed in my tiny room for him- up against my own bed- and it takes up the whole entire room. I want to get back to my exercises and stuff but I cant- because of the bed. The last time I put that thing away- he said he wanted to come over to my place and watch netflix on my laptop in bed again.. so I had to put it all together again and miss my plans for starting working out again.. and then he comes over and then just falls asleep.
Even when I was so ill last week and he has to come over and then sleep near me and he snores so loud. I just hadnt had my own break until now. This night and last I am a free woman.
Last time we were intimate- I was cringing - it felt so wrong to me and I wasnt in the mood. That afternoon he had gotten a My Little Pony mug filled with some water and a razor and sat on his computer chair with his pants down shaving his balls in front of me.
And he did say that it was graphic and that I may not want to see this. It was funny. But I thought, there is absolutely no holding back with him.
Anyways , like I was saying - I never thought that all of a sudden I would be over his place all of the time and that he would move his furniture and make a space in his double garage for me- with furniture and have toys he has bought me and Id decorate one side. .. I never wanted any of that. I guess it was that I got bored.
There was always thoughts of trying to improve and change him (which are not nice to do) - and that went on for some time.
idk.
Its like - I said yes to him last year as I had a crush and wanted validation from him that I was attractive and wanted a guy to reverse things that happened to me. And the fact that he flirted than ignored me and flirted and then ignored me and then asked me over kind of like a date but not - and was very gentleman to me- it all made me crave all that attraction stuff.
But I think the reality was that he was alone and not thinking about relationships. He was in a drug world on ice and thinking about his past all the time and some other girl from many years ago. And that is why he was on and off with me. He didn't see me as all that I guess, until he got to know me and then got hooked.
And he asked me out because he realised I wasn't someone that would hurt him like the last woman that basically made fun of his psychotic rampage/ramblings I assume and then tried to get away from it. I just wanted to be that girl that he could put on a pedestal- be that one that was the prettiest he had ever seen - like he talked about that ex of his which wasn't really a thing anyways.
I just wanted to heal from my abusive past. And so immature about relationships. When he asked me out - I had a surge of self-esteem because I thought I was never even someone to ask out from a guy. I'd spent years in social isolation at home and overweight too in my past.
So, of course, I said yes.And I knew then that he wasnt really the right guy, even then- but I thought that this could be a casual dating thing and nothing serious. That, here was a guy that I was actually comfortable with - that just happened to have mental health issues too and lived at home also.
Id always felt that, because of my illness and lack of career or good income that I was never a contender to be a partner for anyone. Even though now I am on the disability pension and work a few days a week and get paid.
By going out with him, I had realised that I am perhaps, maybe could see myself as a worthy partner to some guy with an income and everything.
And because of him I know what my needs are more now in a relationship.
But I never really saw him as someone that I was to be serious with and I said to him at the start to take it slow and all.
But it went from that to very intense even when I didn't want it to. All of a sudden, my whole life - my home, my hobbies, everything that was me- was given up in order to be with him and he was very needy. I've had 10 months of not really seeing my family, giving up my responsibilities, my home life, my hobbies .. I don't do that now- but I found it hard to be assertive with him as he would want to follow me to do those things and it felt awkward - so I would keep giving them up.
I learnt my lesson anyways.
This relationship hasn't left room to for me to grow, he is not someon that can encourage me to be my best - its kinda the opposite. Im shrinking for him. And when Im not- im not with him- or it feels so horrid- so mean almost- to have things in my life to be passionate about and he has so many lack of in his and wants me with him really - yet cannot entertain me.
(he just sits with his back to me all the time and goes on the computer basically- whilst making sure im comfortable- we cant even talk - have a proper conversation because of his illness). Its just like hanging around someone with no responsibilities or cares with immaturity and talking like a 12 year old.
I cant put myself, put him as a provider for me, i mean what does it say to me? That I have no self esteem ..
He is so clueless and cant help himself. He gets bored at home- has nothing to do - but cant take himself out of that. He has no motivation or thoguht process to be able to have his own needs met.
Its very stressful trying to always please him because he is not there emotionally- and looks all depressed. To come over to see me and he cant even hold a conversation. Hell just come over as he has to spend every night with me, and then he sleeps at 7:30- 8:30 ... and its like .. what? Im not going to bed that early.. and then he snores and its like all the things that I could have done that evening .. are all stopped so that he can come over just to sleep. Even I put this fold up bed in my tiny room for him- up against my own bed- and it takes up the whole entire room. I want to get back to my exercises and stuff but I cant- because of the bed. The last time I put that thing away- he said he wanted to come over to my place and watch netflix on my laptop in bed again.. so I had to put it all together again and miss my plans for starting working out again.. and then he comes over and then just falls asleep.
Even when I was so ill last week and he has to come over and then sleep near me and he snores so loud. I just hadnt had my own break until now. This night and last I am a free woman.
Last time we were intimate- I was cringing - it felt so wrong to me and I wasnt in the mood. That afternoon he had gotten a My Little Pony mug filled with some water and a razor and sat on his computer chair with his pants down shaving his balls in front of me.
And he did say that it was graphic and that I may not want to see this. It was funny. But I thought, there is absolutely no holding back with him.
Anyways , like I was saying - I never thought that all of a sudden I would be over his place all of the time and that he would move his furniture and make a space in his double garage for me- with furniture and have toys he has bought me and Id decorate one side. .. I never wanted any of that. I guess it was that I got bored.
There was always thoughts of trying to improve and change him (which are not nice to do) - and that went on for some time.
idk.
grapevine
Well-known member
So I thought I was having my time by myself tonight and he messages me and says he wants to come over - we spend every night together- he is just so tragic. He cannot stick to things and when I want my space he cant seem to hack it much. Im his solution tohim being lonely and stuck in his room.
And I shouldnt be. Its not fair.
And I shouldnt be. Its not fair.
BlueDays
1
^ That reminds me of a quote I read years ago...
"Men marry women with the hope that they will never change,
Women marry men with the hope that they will change"
grapevine
Well-known member
^ That reminds me of a quote I read years ago...
"Men marry women with the hope that they will never change,
Women marry men with the hope that they will change"
Sounds most likely accurate lol
So Rugs says that I can be annoying sometimes- I put on my annoying face as he was going out to have a smoke and then get into bed.
I mean come on, Ive got a cold - and I hate cigarette smoke- Im allergic to it.. and that is annoying to him.
It just makes me feel so angry because he doesnt havve the same values
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't "turn up" his symptoms just to make sure that you stay on the hook. That bit about the nut shaving sounds outrageous, but then again, I don't know him.
I do know that this is one of the most unhealthy relationships I've ever heard of though. Either he's got to make some serious changes (which seems highly unlikely) or you need to start breaking things off.
At the very least, you definitely need some time alone to clear your head and think. Is there any way you could get a couple of days to yourself?
I do know that this is one of the most unhealthy relationships I've ever heard of though. Either he's got to make some serious changes (which seems highly unlikely) or you need to start breaking things off.
At the very least, you definitely need some time alone to clear your head and think. Is there any way you could get a couple of days to yourself?
grapevine
Well-known member
Thanks.
I tryto get as much time to myself as I can lately. Im not rushing over there anymore, and leaving my life behind. Im back home most of the time lately, but he is always here too- just about and it sux when its so obvious that his values are completely different to my family and mine. IT just always feels uncomfortable - and I have to entertain him when he is over my place- I cant jsut go and do my thing ( even though I have tried that and felt really mean) - even though he can completely ignore me when Im over his place. But I just want to do my own thing and all that and I end up with no room in my bedroom to even be myself- and no time to myself because it all gets taken up by him.
Well Im seeing my psychologist today. Ive had one night away from him this week. I was supposed to have another last night, but he almost begged to come over. He gets bored at home and lonely and I have to be the solution. But I need my space, like just some breathing space and I want my own sanctuary of my own room back. There are no healthy boundaries here, Ive not had experience with people much in general, let alone a relationship- so my social assertiveness has not been the best- add to that a long history of co-dependence with my deaf mother.
He is just very dysfunctional. I just dont know what a normal relaionship is really. I mean, do guys want to be with you all of the time? Invade your life so that you cant exactly have the freedom to pursue your goals and hobbies or have just 'you' time?
etc - its dysfunctional.
Ive got my weekly 2 days of work coming up - that is always time to get away and to interact with other people other than rugs.
I guess at this stage Im just writing out my frustrations. Its seems quite wrong to do though, and I know its something that goes against my values to do so- because its kinda mean and I know that the mind is digging for these things too. But I guess I just need an outlet as Ive started emotionally eating again (I used to do that and became 82 kg in my past) - Im not that anymore- but Ive put on weight since Ive been out with him- I jsut want to keep stuffing my feelings. And that gets frustrating because it was a bad habit that I completely overcame over 2 years of hard work to do it. Though I eat what I want, just now I eat processed stuff and goten hoked again because I was always staying over his place and couldnt be bothered driving all the way home to make my food and then drive back there all the time - esp after work. So I would take on convenience foods and it sux as my new identity to myself was founded by how I accomplished overcoming most of my health issues with the raw vegan diet, and that I felt open, refreshed and free from the tug of processed junk- it was an amazing feeling - but now i feel like Im back to dogma. And I just want to go back, but its hard because he is almost standing in my way of that.
Ive got this tiny bedroom and I want to use my crosstrainer and put my mat down and have a nice workout as I havent done that in a year now- and sincce Ivve put on weight- its somwrhing that I would like to do again- I know it helps me feel good. Everytime I try to take this metal single bed away that we place next to mine to make a queen bed ( but it makes a big king really), I literally have no space at all in my room to do a thing other than sleep or so. My own sanctuary gets lost.
And yesterday I told him that I wanted to do my workouts again and yet that afternoon he asks to sleep over again- meaning that this bed that is heavy metal and awkard to put in - everytime I put it away- I have to put it back.
Its just very hard for him to go nights without me and its a co-dependency. That is why I want to try to spend more time away, bcause I can try to break it and reflect and everything. But when he is begging to come over and you feel horrible and sorry for him, you feel this heartbreak towards him becaues you feel like you are rejecting him and all - you say yes.
I tryto get as much time to myself as I can lately. Im not rushing over there anymore, and leaving my life behind. Im back home most of the time lately, but he is always here too- just about and it sux when its so obvious that his values are completely different to my family and mine. IT just always feels uncomfortable - and I have to entertain him when he is over my place- I cant jsut go and do my thing ( even though I have tried that and felt really mean) - even though he can completely ignore me when Im over his place. But I just want to do my own thing and all that and I end up with no room in my bedroom to even be myself- and no time to myself because it all gets taken up by him.
Well Im seeing my psychologist today. Ive had one night away from him this week. I was supposed to have another last night, but he almost begged to come over. He gets bored at home and lonely and I have to be the solution. But I need my space, like just some breathing space and I want my own sanctuary of my own room back. There are no healthy boundaries here, Ive not had experience with people much in general, let alone a relationship- so my social assertiveness has not been the best- add to that a long history of co-dependence with my deaf mother.
He is just very dysfunctional. I just dont know what a normal relaionship is really. I mean, do guys want to be with you all of the time? Invade your life so that you cant exactly have the freedom to pursue your goals and hobbies or have just 'you' time?
etc - its dysfunctional.
Ive got my weekly 2 days of work coming up - that is always time to get away and to interact with other people other than rugs.
I guess at this stage Im just writing out my frustrations. Its seems quite wrong to do though, and I know its something that goes against my values to do so- because its kinda mean and I know that the mind is digging for these things too. But I guess I just need an outlet as Ive started emotionally eating again (I used to do that and became 82 kg in my past) - Im not that anymore- but Ive put on weight since Ive been out with him- I jsut want to keep stuffing my feelings. And that gets frustrating because it was a bad habit that I completely overcame over 2 years of hard work to do it. Though I eat what I want, just now I eat processed stuff and goten hoked again because I was always staying over his place and couldnt be bothered driving all the way home to make my food and then drive back there all the time - esp after work. So I would take on convenience foods and it sux as my new identity to myself was founded by how I accomplished overcoming most of my health issues with the raw vegan diet, and that I felt open, refreshed and free from the tug of processed junk- it was an amazing feeling - but now i feel like Im back to dogma. And I just want to go back, but its hard because he is almost standing in my way of that.
Ive got this tiny bedroom and I want to use my crosstrainer and put my mat down and have a nice workout as I havent done that in a year now- and sincce Ivve put on weight- its somwrhing that I would like to do again- I know it helps me feel good. Everytime I try to take this metal single bed away that we place next to mine to make a queen bed ( but it makes a big king really), I literally have no space at all in my room to do a thing other than sleep or so. My own sanctuary gets lost.
And yesterday I told him that I wanted to do my workouts again and yet that afternoon he asks to sleep over again- meaning that this bed that is heavy metal and awkard to put in - everytime I put it away- I have to put it back.
Its just very hard for him to go nights without me and its a co-dependency. That is why I want to try to spend more time away, bcause I can try to break it and reflect and everything. But when he is begging to come over and you feel horrible and sorry for him, you feel this heartbreak towards him becaues you feel like you are rejecting him and all - you say yes.
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grapevine
Well-known member
I just feel so overwhelmed. At the end of the day I have a mental illness too and being in a relationship with a person that has dysfunctional behaviour because of his mental illness, that he cannot help and is unaware of most of it, of course, equals where I am right now.
I just feel so bad now though- Im saying all these things like Ive made up mind and things I dont like about him all over here- and Im in this relationship that is rife with these thoughts and feelings - and Im playing a role as though its all okay just to make it go away and be happy. But its underlining no matter what.
But I feel like I have to not indulge in these frustrations as they are just adding up and making me feel more frustrated - and bad about myself for doing so. I mean sure - the right thing to do here is to acknowledge that I am responsible for everything (mostly) in my life and if I have a problem with someone, I need to tell them and not go behind thier back and tell everyone else.
ITs left my parents feeling uncomfortable when he comes over all the time. I mean, they can see anyway that he is not all there* and that he is a very nice man but lacks too many things and has unhealthy behaviours. They know he is not right for me. But they are nice back to him, but its uncomfortable and stressful when he is gone and Im talking to my parents about my frustrations about him and then he comes over and its all as though that never happened etc.
I just dont want to hurt him, but I am.
I feel like just playing this out- I feel like working on myself and getting all that right again, self love and doing things for myself- that if I concentrate on those things and just forget about all these frustrations and just think positively and remove myself when things frustrate me for awhile - and demand my own time- that it can be okay for a while- hold up for awhile.
Of course there are things keeping me. And that is why Im not prepared yet.
I just feel so bad now though- Im saying all these things like Ive made up mind and things I dont like about him all over here- and Im in this relationship that is rife with these thoughts and feelings - and Im playing a role as though its all okay just to make it go away and be happy. But its underlining no matter what.
But I feel like I have to not indulge in these frustrations as they are just adding up and making me feel more frustrated - and bad about myself for doing so. I mean sure - the right thing to do here is to acknowledge that I am responsible for everything (mostly) in my life and if I have a problem with someone, I need to tell them and not go behind thier back and tell everyone else.
ITs left my parents feeling uncomfortable when he comes over all the time. I mean, they can see anyway that he is not all there* and that he is a very nice man but lacks too many things and has unhealthy behaviours. They know he is not right for me. But they are nice back to him, but its uncomfortable and stressful when he is gone and Im talking to my parents about my frustrations about him and then he comes over and its all as though that never happened etc.
I just dont want to hurt him, but I am.
I feel like just playing this out- I feel like working on myself and getting all that right again, self love and doing things for myself- that if I concentrate on those things and just forget about all these frustrations and just think positively and remove myself when things frustrate me for awhile - and demand my own time- that it can be okay for a while- hold up for awhile.
Of course there are things keeping me. And that is why Im not prepared yet.
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