Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

So BDD--- hate it..

This is something that flares with me ... And I will just say it like it is - in my rat wheel mind ..

I was talking with my mum about my bf's sister and her mental health and she mentions how she's a pretty little woman ..

And why do I let that somehow get into a negative with me? Like it really gets to me because I thought ( and yes this sounds bad) but I thought she wasn't pretty and was plain and average looking but nice. And even she had stories about men calling her pretty - so it obscures with my thoughts of what I think attractive is and that my perception is not like everyone else's - therefore my own of myself .. is like who am I to others - am I pretty too like how am I seen - and compared? When I like what I see - is it not pretty ? Its just so warped and I think that maybe he might think his sister is pretty and I'm not or something. Gosh it's so obsurd - I have old school friends who do t have these insecurities - why do I?

 

[grapevine]

Makes me feel really in the dumps about myself to notice things that are changing in my health because of passive cigarette smoke.

I dont know how to deal with this? Its extreme and its like to get near him I have to wander through a smoke screen literally!

My lungs actually hurt. I have been assertive but not enough. Having a few days off from each other from today.. I want to find way to air out my car and completely get rid of smoke
.
I mean, we went for a drive yesterday. And it was cold and raining and he smoked with the door open in my car.. facing outwards...

..which doesnt really make a difference. It all just travelled back in there.

I feel so violated by it. ITs my biggest value my health and Im destroying it being with him : /

 

[grapevine]

Well I just feel a bit knit picky and exahausted as I havent been physically well since yesterday.

I know I have to wind down. Its just hard. Today he is with his mate and Im actually at home for once - like at home and not rushing for only 2 hours and then going again.

No, Im actually home/home. Yet I feel uncomfortable/ edgy. Idk.

It just really really bugs me though and I know this is my bdd mainly. But even if I were to go to the $$ shos and buy even better fashions .. he is still going to think I should dress better? Because he doesnt see.
I just get really confused by him about this. What does he mean to dress better? He says he needs to dress better.. and I agree with that because he is a bum.

But I am wearing the latest trends. What more could I wear? I just seriously dont get it. He has said in the past that I could be hot. What the hell does that mean??
Ive been wearing tight skinny jeans lately and I know it looks good, I buy new tops every week- its whats available.. even yesterday when we went out I actually wore some subtle makeup for the first time. He wouldnt even notice. I think he thought I didnt was wearing the same clothes from the day before because I was just wearing the same jacket..

I just come back to this. Im sick of it. It pins me out and tires me and makes me so mad and frustrated at him even more.

I look around at every other girl in a supermarket and see that they are wearing just as I am.. the same fashion for now. Like out of a winter lookbook catalogue.

So even with some makeup on and some tight clothes. I just dont understand what is his image in his head that he is thinking. I mean he is nuts anyway idk.

It just hurts to re-think these things. Im still confused. When Im looking and feeling my best and making an effort.. is there going to be him that tells me Im not because he is blind. It will break things more.

And Im disturbed lately with us not being affectionate as I guess I would like more. And I know that he doesnt even try to kiss me anymore because I found it so hard to do because of his comments on me about looks that I felt so ugly I guess. Or evaluated- frustrated. And then, the night before - when I had severe pms and was so agitated - but hiding it- I just felt like - I mean he goes out of his way to please me there in bed - but the affection is gone.. where did it go - ever since I said about bdd.. I even told him a week ago that I would like him to kiss and be more intimate when we are .. you know.. and he said sure etc.. but then he forgets all the time.. he forget so many things - like his brain works differently and slightly apathetic .. its annoying.

So I was feeling so upset after being intimate with him a few nights back because I felt like wham bam thanku mam.. kinda thing.. he just gets up has a smoke in the bedroom .. yet takes the time to put more warm rugs on me with me saying anything.. yet smoking right near me as he does that..?? .. Then gets into bed and rolls over with his back to me telling me he is tired and will talk to me in the morning..

I was so frustrated and hurt a bit - because I felt like when I was abused - and I had full on anxiety and pms. In the middle of the night with him snoring like usual.. I thought about packing my things and going home. I was so upset. To be with someone and have no intamacy much whilst etc.. it was just yet another devalue.

I felt like nothing- I felt frustrated. I felt like I was being used- but I wasnt. I didnt end up going home because it was a bit dangerous to drive home in the night like that. I ended up taking some painkilers to make me drowsy- only 2-3 does that.

But its the money thing too. Like Ive paid for every meal out. I wonder where his money goes because he doesnt even have $2. I was annoyed that we were going out yesterday and the day before he said it was good because he has money. But then, that day domes and he asks me if he can borrow $40 for the day out. So I do. But I wonder if he will pay me back?
He hardly spent anything - and Im thinking he may buy drugs today with that money. He had better not.

You know, cant he just be proactive and responsible with his own life and stuff.

 

[Louco]

I got to be honest, I really hate this guy. It doesn't matter how messed up you are, there's no excuse to be emotionally abusive and inconsiderate with your partner like this.

I feel like I want to ask you out to save you from him or something, you seem like such a nice person. :/

 

[grapevine]

lol - Im flattered : ) ..

He is just odd, and he doesnt even realise it.

 

[BlueDays]

From reading many of your posts in here, it appears as if you are doing all of the "giving" in this relationship and he is doing all of the "taking".

Maybe it might be a good idea for you to draw a line down the centre of a large piece of writing paper and label the column on the left side "Positives from the relationship" and the column on the right side "Negatives from the relationship".

Just fill in the columns quickly with whatever comes immediately to mind - avoid analysing each point after you have written it.
Then when you have finished, fold it up and put it away somewhere safe.

The next morning when you are fresh and fully awake, get the paper you wrote the lists on and sit down and read it.

 

[grapevine]

From reading many of your posts in here, it appears as if you are doing all of the "giving" in this relationship and he is doing all of the "taking".

Maybe it might be a good idea for you to draw a line down the centre of a large piece of writing paper and label the column on the left side "Positives from the relationship" and the column on the right side "Negatives from the relationship".

Just fill in the columns quickly with whatever comes immediately to mind - avoid analysing each point after you have written it.
Then when you have finished, fold it up and put it away somewhere safe.

The next morning when you are fresh and fully awake, get the paper you wrote the lists on and sit down and read it.

Thats awesome Bluedays.. I will do this for sure tonight... bit anxious about it tho lol

 

[grapevine]

Well I am home now. My last post I was sitting in bed in his garage where I had slept the night once again. I did not sleep with him as I havent wanted to - and yeah cant anyway because of monthly XX. (lol).

But last night I was so much more stressed and very tired, esp emotionally. Ive always done this - when I get a friend or more.. I completely over-do it. I will get tense and excited and go over every time they ask - ans just give up on my own life- my own agendas. Like its something to get away and something to be wanted.

But last night, after a day at home for once - I packed my things from his place and came home as he was over his mates place and I wasnt feeling well. So I spent most of the day in bed. It was a very stormy wet weather day yesterday.

But then in the late afternoon he asks me over again - if I would want to come over. And Im like - yes/no - he said he really wanted to watch a movie with me, one we got the other day- but I didnt have to come over.

But I did. But what happened is I just got so stressed out. Trying to find anything of mine now- basic things - I dont know where anything of mine is anymore- Im not up to date in my life at all- Im just living in his actually.

I look in the fridge in my veg compartment and its all rotten, I look in my room- full of clothes everywhere and yet I cant even find certain clothes to wear.
Im just so tired.

So I drive over there again. It takes 15 mins. My petrol goes down from driving back and forth all the time. He would come over my place - but we dont have the independence and privacy like at his place.

But anyway, so I got really stressed and anxious havinga shower last night. I just felt violated and was remembering body image quotes from him in his perception of me - good and bad and just getting confused and angry about him. Like said, I just feel like he just keeps taking - I just keep letting him. Its something Ive always done with people.

By the time I got there last night. I mean, I even said to him in messages .. I asked if he would be watching the film or be on the computer. And he said both.

I mean so I get there- drive in the bad wet freezing weather. Have my things packed again- limited in essentials. And I get there and he is on the computer. He puts the movie on- Alien 3.. not exactly something I would rush to see- as Ive seen it many times.. and Im not really into horror or what ever as much as him. He takes photos of what he is watching and puts that on fb. And then goes on facebook whilst I just lay on the couch trying to get warm. He heats my hot waterbottle up- he smokes outside.. yet - he is more on the computer an at times playing some youtube whilst the movie is on or also sticking his computer headphones on.

Im just .. why am I here again? Then I get more tired and go to bed - where I can still see the film. But Im not interested in it. I jsut sleep but feel like my time is violated or disrespected. Try to talk to him- he is friendly but his mind is on his music stuff.
So why am I there for again please??!!

End up going to sleep- when he goes to bed- is too tired to talk anyway. So I nod off and in the morning I always hate the state of me. Feeling very self conscious of how I look.

I left this morning. He thought I was going to stay for longer until the afternoon - until he was going to hang out with his mates. But I just wanted to get out of there - because at that point he decided to start smoking inside again- but with the roller shutter open and then spraying deodorant everywhere ( which I am allergic too anyway omg..well wehn its prayed in the air that much).

..And then he asks me if I have $10 on me.. I look at my coins and give him like $3. He asks me if I want to sleep over tonight and I say no. Because I am working the next few days. The last 3 weeks I have either gone to work un-groomed or driven back home and then to work. Its stressful.

He has applied for a diploma course to do over the course of a year full time. With his job networking place - he lets them take the initiative rather than do things himself. He has to do a numeracy and literacy test in a few days - and post that off. And he wants me to help him with it. Im like - Im not cheating for you lol.

See, that is what it feels like - that I am there to be used - that I keep on giving and giving and he cannot see that?

And it really just keeps bugging me. I will be laying in bed like this morning and he will come up and tell me all about how his hair is looking really good now and how its growing more etc. He is obsessed with his hair. But blind to me.

It made me spin out in anxiety/anger/frustration/hurt and ocd last night as I was reading back through some recent messages from each other. And when he had said that I could be hot.. that got to me. And it was reffering to him - how he talks about how all these people - even hot girls had their chance to be friends with him and want him - but they dont now so he will block them. He thinks all these people change their profile photos on account of what he does on his page. He thinks overly highly of himself and his appearance and his selfies..
and so I say when he says 'hot girls' -- 'as opposed to me'.. he said nice things to me. But then tells me that he likes alot of things about me - that Im smart and things like that ..
and then of course I went off in bdd and angry and said things- restraining myself as much as I could. And he was like - well you dressed good the last couple of days I think..

You know- I just cannot kiss him. Not at the moment. I mean would you be able to ? If you had BDD and you know that there is always going to be confusion with him on whether he is attracted to your face or not.

He goes on about my body- and gets into hormonal states and I hate feeling like Im just there because of my body and my overly kindness to him-

I just feel so confused all the time. Like i need timeout. And I just hate it that all of my clothes are new clothes going back 6 months to a few days. And yet he says that we both need to dress better..

Its like - Im wearing yesterday -- grey tight skinny jeans- brown winter fashion boots, a tight maroon knitted skivvy like jumper and a green long rainjacket (the type thats in fashion), I even had some makeup on - I had my hair parted in the middle - half up..

And yet - its like he wouldnt even notice me- he thought because I was wearing the same jacket and shoes that I was wearing the same from the day before.

Its like I dont get what he is thinking in his mind. Maybe I should take him to clothing stores and show him see this and this -- noticed Ive been wearing this -- see they are new... etcc.

It jsut drives my bdd crazy. I mean and Im not going to go out and be all formal or something - what the hell does he want from me in terms of how to dress?

Ive been dressing girly.

But yeah, I left this morning. He was smoking inside again- even though the doors where open. I dont know if I will bother to go over on Friday yet.

He needs to show me some more respect and not make me feel like I am being used. I am not going to give him presents nearly every time I see him anymore. No lollies, no this and that. Im not going to give him money anymore. Im not going to bend my values anymore. Im not going to waste my time when I want to do my own things.

Im just so exahausted - going back and fourth for 3 weeks - packing and unpacking - not sleeping in my own bed- forgetting about all my own things- including my goals- for what? TO just sit there and see his back to the computer and have toxic air smoke blown my way?

I just need a good week or less to wind down and get my health and my life back in order and find out where I am again and start from there.

It just really hurts me- there is a huge element with him that hits me for 6 and that is that I thought I was going around looking okay- until he mentioned that I wasnt.

And with BDD- and that person your suppose to be with - I jsut felt violated - like what can fix that?

And you know - he just keeps going onto these damn facebook pages of women an men he thinks he can manipulate..
I know he is unwell- but Im not going to be someone to sponge off of.

I need to take my own life back for a bit and assert myself and my self esteem. I mean if I really want to know how his mind is.. I can just look at his fb page and see what he typed in last night in his info- he said he was a musician at youtube and facebook.... because he plays electric guitar and uploads it to those pages.

You know, its like - he is just not able to read something you have written, like he just is completely dis-interested in things other than himself. Like, if I told him about this journal- even if I put it in front of him- I know he would probably not even read it or be interested in it.

Its like you dont want to have a conversation with him because you know that perhaps the minute you mention something about yourself he might drop off- and say 'sure'.. or that in messages you might just get onto mentioning you and he will say - im just going off to do this and that - or that he has had enough of facebook today etc.. not always like that- he does listen alot - but its alway there..

SO.. Im forgetting about him for 3 days. I will limit my talking to him on messages. I will have my own world I need to re-build seriously. And I just am still in turmoil as I dont want to see myself through his eyes - I just feel in my bdd world- that I am seen negatively in looks according to him idk. and that is something very hard to deal with.

To try to find my own self worth through my values once again. To recognise that I can choose how I want others to be around me- that I can value my own time- my own life- that I dont need to shower people with gifts and loose myself just because that person is in my life. I need to think about myself and value myself regardless of whatever twisted mind he has.

Its just really frustrating and tiring right now.

I jsut find it hard to wind down.From being away from people for so long and then being with someone nearly all the time. I need my independence and stuff.

I hate waking up in the morning over there and knowing I look horrid. Knowing that I have to get up and pass the family in order to have a shower there if I want one and that they have limited hot water and knowing that I have issues with looking in mirrors.

I am usually an organised person. I want to be up to date and have my own security. So that when I do go over there- that I have everything I need and have my toolbox of things that will prevent me from feeling deeply insecure int he morning and things like tha
t.


Today is my wind down - my day. My day to get my vegan chocolate for energy and somehow block myself from my mum- and have my independence to write out in here- clean my room perhaps, buy some things, do my pin board(dream board), do some exercise, organise my life..

see thats the thing too- its like I am just over his place in his toxic lol world all the time and then when I get time away- Im working and even more tired.

So im going to organize myself in many ways as I can for me.

 

[Louco]

lol - Im flattered : ) ..

He is just odd, and he doesnt even realise it.

I think he is an evil person who must be destroyed.







Just kidding... If you are with him, there must be a reason right... Take care... :/

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Louco : P

Yeah, I write my passive aggressiveness on here- im sure it makes him sound evil- and in our heads its so easy to concentrate on the bad things because its natural.

But I am learning to be assertive. I just am in a mental spin out at the moment.

Im learning that its up to me how people treat you. Im responsible for my own actions and I cannot change others- (..but I can suggest and things.. but expect dissapointment lol ?)

So hard to wind down when you havent been in your own environment/home for many many weeks. What have I even been doing?? idk lol

 

[Louco]

Thanks Louco : P

Yeah, I write my passive aggressiveness on here- im sure it makes him sound evil- and in our heads its so easy to concentrate on the bad things because its natural.

But I am learning to be assertive. I just am in a mental spin out at the moment.

Im learning that its up to me how people treat you. Im responsible for my own actions and I cannot change others- (..but I can suggest and things.. but expect dissapointment lol ?)

So hard to wind down when you havent been in your own environment/home for many many weeks. What have I even been doing?? idk lol

You are pretty objective actually. You usually just describe his behavior and how it makes you feel. You are not making him sound evil at all, please don't feel like that ok? I think it's wonderful that you have this space for yourself where you feel safe to talk about everything, I would be really sad if you were to feel uncomfortable or worried with your tone when speaking about him because of anything I said...

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Louco - I'm glad it's not as negative as I feel it can - I suppose objectifying someone tho seems kinda vicious perhaps idk.

It's funny how since I started writing on here my life just keeps on getting so surreal and different to what it once was. I'm too busy for myself atm and I'm trying to put my foot down on myself today.

I'm so exhausted. I've been rushing home for only a few hours at a time to get things for myself - repack - as I've been sleeping iver every night- over his place.

 

[Louco]

What do you mean objectifying? I meant as in objective vs. subjective.

An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings - it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable. A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.

For example, you said he smokes indoors and talked about how that makes you feel, but I don't remember you calling him inconsiderate for that, even if it would be reasonable to do so.

But anyway, I hope you don't forget that having a mental disease, even if it is schizophrenia, does not mean it's ok to be a horrible human being and people around just have to be nice and caring, because this is absurd. If you have a shred of conscience and self-awareness left in your head, you are capable of making an effort to at the very least be nice to who is nice to you, and if you don't, it's only natural that your decision to be a bad person will be received by others just like the same behavior coming from anyone else.

Yeah I know schizophrenics have it rough, but if they decide to take out their anger and frustration against those who love and care for them, they must be made to deal with their issues by other means, because it's not fair to return the kindness of their families and friends by making their lives miserable.

 

[grapevine]

: )

Well more a subjective perspective - lol - that is what I meant. (just been so half asleep most days).
Im happy that its not sounding terrible against him. He is not terrible. I am sensitive and he can be insensitive to things and yet very considerate to others- we are both learning.


But my issue I am dealing with is my boundaries atm. I am just saying yes to everything - even when inside screams me not to.
Every night for 3 weeks, I have been sleeping over his place. So it would be my decision and he would want me over. So I would have a few hours scrounging around for my things to pack each night whilst hurrying with my tea and messaging him, and then getting into my car and driving over there at about 7:30 or later each night as I would take so long.

I wouldnt know where any of my things were in my room to take with me- everything in my mind completely at a loss because all I have been doing is just rushing to his place all the time - even after work- and only spending a few hours in rush at home.

I have let everything just about in my own life slip right away. Its like an excitement, a magnet to go over there most times. Its just different to being in my own little room - where I always have been and where my bdd can be highlighted because of compulsions.

But Ive neglected everything in my own world. Having hardly spent more than a few hours - and in a rush at a time here at home- its weird for once to actually have the time right now to do my own thing in my own space. Im like.. what did I used to do?

So last night - yesterday-- I was VERY tired - very exhausted. I went home in the morning to have a shower for once at home- then went back to his place (15 minute drive)- then helped him with his test, then we took his dog for a walk and then finished the test- then I went home and took mum to the supermarket and then picked her up and then tried to have a sleep at home but couldnt wind down much at all - then messaged rugs and then rushed again and got dressed and found my stuff to bring over (food and things once again) and then drove back over there.

Its so exhausting going over there all the time- rushing all the time and driving all the time. I have been going against the grain- against my yearning to want to deal with my own stuff like my declining health at the moment.

One thing that is good is that I told him last night in messages that being with him was like having to swim through a cloud of smoke lol- I said that it was good that he smoked outside - but I was still very sensitive to it and that its been really hurting my lungs and stomach and eyes - so much. I told him I was sensitive to his spray deoderant too when he would spray it in the air to mask the smoke lol.
So he smoked well away outside after that- all night last night- and also he aired to place out before I went there like i asked. And it was so much better- I could actually not feel that sick for once. So it made me feel positive about being able to acheive the health goals that I was always aiming for and that this smoking cut them all down.

So he was good. But the thing that I didnt like was that I was so exahausted truely - felt like Id been running a month's marathon yesterday from a month of running around. And when I got there I just got into bed and had a little snooze.

But the thing was that day he had gone and done some ice ( which I am very assertive and negative to him doing) - he goes round with some friends and helps them get stuff in exchange for a tiny bit. He likes that it relaxes him or what ever. But of course, what it does is keep him up all night without any tiredness.

So there I was last night so severely tired and there he was severely awake- yet very serious lol and doing his guitar and cleaning his room.. I was so tired. Yet after he had finished doing his guitar- he comes over and wants to 'u know'.. and Im like waaay too tired for that - I felt like a rag doll- and yet what I do is sacrifice my health and take an energy (guarana) tablet so that I could stay up with him and sleep with him * .. and then after that - I was like - now I wont be able to get the sleep much needed you know.

And the nights before he would be so tired - I would arrive at his place at about 7:00 and by 8:00 he would be so tired and go to bed and turn all the lights off and go to sleep- and I would be there like .. why did I come over here again? Why did I rush to come over here??? You know.. and yet last night it was the opposite - tho he hadnt slept at all because of the drug and yet I let him walk over me.

Why did I do that?

But he is very nice and kind hearted - its just he can also be completely in his own world and insensitive at times too. Like there are 2 states to him- one being extrememly funny and silly.. hilariously so.. and in like a high in it.. and the other is him being very serious like he was all night and this morning. Nothing would make him laugh at all- he would just look like he was in complex thought and going around like a cleaning robot.

Its like when he is serious - you wonder where he went almost.

Anyway, last night i took the time to write in my personal journal on my ipod all about what I wanted to do in my own world - the things I have been neglecting - basically everything in my world at the moment.

And was happy that I was planning to do that. That I can get back on track to where I used to be - jucing and oil pulling every morning and getting my good sleep. Deciding to only spend 3-4 nights per week over his place or less rather than all the time. ITs put such a strain on my health- its been very stressful he doesnt realise.

I want to work out - get my health in top shape again- eat better - eat more fresh foods rather than eating mainly dried fruits and nuts all the time .. I have been basically living on snacking on dates all the time as well as my meals .. Ive been eating fast and also have had take away - hot chips lots of times too with him ( which I would pay for) , that its unlike me to eat those things- its like an excitement I have wanted - something to do with him.

Anyways- I awake today after being mainly awake all night last night - after being already exahausted. My emotional well being is not that great today and lately from stress with this lifestyle atm.

I just hate this bdd - the feeling when u wake up over his place in the morning. When u look terrible. I feel like I just want to go away and change myself a bit - I want a change. Ive been getting really sensitive with my bdd around rugs sister. I never really thought she was pretty until my mum said she was a pretty person and then until the sister said she had been called that too - she wears heaps of makeup - but not properly - shes average looking to me but yet im starting to see her - the good features in her face and think that she must be perceived as others then - like to rugs (her brother) as pretty too - or very pretty I dont know. Then of course I see myself as less than - that I dont want to be seen - I feel Im not and never will be good enough for him in terms of looks -and he always goes on about how he doesnt want young 20 year olds and basically talks about us 30s year old -- how we are old .. it just makes me feel like im old and comparing me to 20 yr olds - which in his mind are better or soething idk.

He jokes about how he will use me to get into shape to get a hot girl .. and im like - the wording to that - I have to shut myself off - having bdd ...

I wish he would actually read or watch something on it.

And the thing that has been really bugging me lately is that we havent been affectionate - I told him that I couldnt kiss him - I had been having trouble because of my face with bdd and shyness in the daytime to kiss him. and now he wont at all. I guess I need to explain to him about how I feel once aain relating to my bdd and the daytime - not the night time and also explain in more detail how I want to be with him (affectionate) but that its hard to let go and be assertive and confident like that esp with bdd.

But I have days off from him from now. He said on Tuesday night to see himand sleep over - but I might make it later. Its sunday today - there will be withdrawls to being away from him.

But I want to do my own things and also go through my self worth things that I do - and my sel love stuff and make schedules and stuff

 

[grapevine]

gosh- I hav anxiety right now- Im so used to rushing and excitement of some sort that I feel like I have to get my rush fix - like go out and impulse buy or eat stuff lol

 

[Louco]

He jokes about how he will use me to get into shape to get a hot girl

Tell him you are using him as training to be a nurse in a psychiatric hospital. That's his kind of humor, right? This **** seems to enjoy hurting you...

Ok I'm sorry, I'll just leave this thread, best of luck.

 

[grapevine]

⭐️This really does help writing in here - without any restrictions - just complete auto-writing my feelings out - I'm quite flattered that anyone can actually read what I write actually - but honoured too - esp if it helps with similar things.

Thanks - : )

Yeah his humour is a bit crude sometimes - but my bdd likes to hold onto those and make them concrete - I be mindful and if it really bothers me I let him know. Like the other night when messaging and he put some pictures up of a rose and hearts but also of some blonde model.. Lol (idkw) so I then put pics of guys from the new 90210 - shirtless pics .. U know to show that I was offended , but then he put photos to me of more women - with blonde hair etc.. As a running joke of course - but I had to write and tell him to please not send me those pictures as it gets to my bdd - and of course he said sorry. Lol - so I lret him know. But it's funny because those pics he used to post on fb before he was with.me and they used to really offend me with my bdd and send me feeling deep in ocd and hurt. Very ill. I realise now that he sees me much deeper than those women as they are just photoshopped pics from anywhere. He likes me for a lot of reasons like he has said. But I still have my deep issues with my body image self esteem and bdd.

 

[grapevine]

Well i feel like orris today. Truely. When I'm in my home environment is when the bdd/ocd anxiety comes out. I'm still so exhausted and feel like I've over done the unhealthy route - when my quest for health has always been my saviour and motivation.

Im trying to workout my body's intuition - get back intune - yet I'm still so truely exhausted. Physically and mentally. And yet I yearn to get back on track again.

I had my juice this morning - but it wasnt as much as I couldve made. I juiced pineapple with silverbeet and spinnach and some beetroot. Trying to clean out my body from the smoke/nicotine that I feel like I have completely ingested over weeks and weeks. I hate the fact that I still feel funny in my lungs. Like half breathing or something. And also that when I move my bowels I can (sounds gross) but smell cigarette smoke smell.

I am a person that is so into health - that I like to even juice sprouts and micro greens. I love to feel vibrant and alive and be active and sleep well. Yet I havent done any of those things really.

I think I am now winding down from my attatchement to rugs. All the things I have wanted to do but neglected because Ive spent my time with him in his environment - I realise when Im over there - esp when he is doing his own thing - and Im just there not doing mine - that it weighs heavy on me.

He is thinking about me staying on Tuesday- which is tomorrow night- but I might make it Friday instead. Which is a bit of a stretch with us- but my thoughts are that it will make it kind of special I guess. My thoughts are that it will give me some small time to get back on track with myself perhaps- with my health and maybe become more affectionate idk?

See I work on Thurs and Fridays. And lately I had been staying over his place on those nights and going to work from there or going home and then to work from home. Its been pretty tiresome. But I havent been able to help myself being so magnetic to wanting to be with him- and the same with him- he would ask me.

But I just cannot continue with being unbalanced with this. I need my time. Even though right now I feel so horrible about myself. My health is down and when I look in the mirror .. I look terrible.

I want to completely clean my environment- wash all my clothes - get the cigarette smells out lol. Clean my car. Throw out or hide away all the clothes I dont wear any more - it makes it so hard to find my things when I take off to pack for going over to his place.

I want to get organized, get healthy again, and feel happy in harmony with myself. As I feel like I really still need to rest and then to exercise and then to juice and juice and juice. Huge amounts of juice. Thats what I feel like and water- and going for long 2 hour or more walks like I used to.

My goal was to get fit and gain some muscle before spring and I havent done that yet. In fact Ive gotten flabby whilst Ive been with him. lol. Hes overweight lol. But Ive been eating so many dates and vegan chocolate and lots of dried fruits to sustain me in between meals whilst Ive been over there -and also having fried chips - take away- something that I never would have done. So I just need to in order to feel better - get back into shape - workout and have my juice and fresh air and lay off the dried stuff.

It means that I am going to get very organised. Because I want this for myself. Ive thoguht about feeling amazing in spring- and I dont want to let anything get in that way- regardless of how I feel about myself right now.

I did something tho. I booked this morning for in a few days to go get filler in my cheeks. Something that I wrote about months ago. Something that is always on my mind. That I feel like I want - but then when I actually get into doing it completely freak out. Its just a little thing that will plump up my cheeks and it sounds so up myself - but its the one thing about my face that gets to me- that I lost some of my cheeks from weightloss. Idk- Ive been hearing bad stories and I know that the stuff hardens and bruises on ur face for a week or even more - its suppose to not be noticable that you have had anything done- yet you look a bit moe youthful. Something like that. Im right now regretting it- as that last consultation I had sent me into the depths of despair and severe depression - I remember driving home and crying my eyes out as I felt so ugly -
I remember never wanting to be seen again and feeling suicidal. So my fears are there. But yet, even tho I have to face a mirror and things going wrong and feeling bad about myself in that environment- and bruising- I still think about it as something I want done.

But yet I think about - I have that done how bad will the swelling or bruising be and will it be noticable and stuff like that.

Because if I go on wednsday. And I see rugs on friday. Idk. Im thinking of calling it off again, maybe.
Maybe go for a consultaion, maybe im not ready or maybe it will be something that I was glad I did.

Anyways, Im either going to go over Rugs place on Tuesday like he asked or Im going to go on Friday instead. By going on Friday, we can arrange to meet up for tea at this place we have been to before. So it will be more like a date. But better because I wouldnt of seen him in a week. It sounds hard. But it could make things steamy lol. Idk.

I mean we will always have fb messaging. but I guess also there is the thing that when I am home I get quite edgy with this bdd. But I guess at the same time I cannot use him or his enviroment in order to mask that. I must deal with it myself like I had been doing.

I guess the more I stay away from him tho, the more my bdd can evolve to being sensitive before I see him- if that makes sense. Like I get flustered to what to wear and scared of the mirror .. (im always avoiding the mirror) - but apprehensive to seeing him because of the way I look.

that sort of thing.

Actually I was just thinking of something that kind of put me off rugs. and that was .. his toothbrush lol. He needs a new one as his has seen better . um months lol. Seriously I remember seeing his toothbrush and feeling apalled by it many weeks ago - and he still has it! He needs a new one omg. lol

Idk there are things about him that I feel so compelled to mother him with- like I feel like doing these things - but I wont because its not my place. I mean, Im not there to change him. Im there because I like him- we get along so well with the same humor and even thoughts on things - our families are similar and mental health issues we can relate with, we are the same age etc..

we fit well. But I will never take it for granted. I just cannot and will not rely on him for my happiness. I rely on my health for that- but that is why I need to somehow balance things out. I absolutely hate that Ive gotten flabby right now and that im not feeling vibrant like I have been before. But I have great motivation to do so even though I hate the way I look right now.

I just hate the looks thing and trying to complusively work out where I am on that scale and being sensitive to people's words because of that and not wanting to show my face etc..

 

[grapevine]

That's what it is - I've lost my sense of self abit. And I don't want to feel like I'm basing myself through someone else- ESP when It comes to my body image and self esteem - I need that time for myself to keep finding me and then being able to walk with body confidence and reassert my values - because things just keep changing - I'm a sidekick now lol - but yet I have my own identity I need to nurture too.

 

[Megaten]

I dont see anything wrong with that. I need some alone time to do my own thing or ill get frayed at the ends. Also, maybe im just a *******, but i find that the more time im around someone the more annoying they get xD