Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Thanks - I feel more comfortable confident to write again.

I so need to - I need to lay things out from my head as I just now feel so tired up there in my mind and physically despite always getting motivation to begin again and again - i just lately am finding everything just too much to deal with and brushing these things off that frustrate me in my life and just living in a shadow of my myself . Living through someone else in people pleasing and actually going beyond dragging myself into the ground.

I've just gone beyond putting myself on the agenda - my priorities haven't been responsible to myself - and in that regard - I'm basically dealing with so much stress.

 

[grapevine]

Well okay. Im alone from my partner tonight and I am just gonna write like I had done prior to being morally paranoid of writing in here l guess.

So Im feeling pretty overwhelmed really. I just actually cant believe my life at the moment and the emmense changes that have occured in such a short period of time. Its just really weird to me. Because I hav spent 10 years of my life avoiding men after what happened to me in 2007 and I got abused emotionally and raped and was interstate and prior to that I had avoided men after rape at 14 by a boyfriend I was inlove with at the time but used me (well I guess it was just niavity and hormones) - but what Im saying is that my life has been about being asexual and avoiding men for a very long time and when I have been with men - its beeng only those times. But except for now.

I havent really been in a relationship except for when I was a teenager really and except for the abusive one when I was 24 that wasnt really a relationship anyway as I was basically told I wasnt good enough but had a long list of how to improve myself to get in the running - which included how I innapporrpiately laughed and how I talked and even walked lol . And at that time I was living and even sleeping with that guy. I mean, that is what I thought men were like- that they would rape me and verbally abuse me you know.

And Ive spent since the start of last year, overcoming that fear and loosing so much weight - the weight that I kept on as protection. It just kinda really disappeared after I started to work for once in my life. After I started to become actually social and actually hang out with the opposite sex of all kinds at work. And then there was Rugs. I just couldnt believe that I could actually feel comfortable around him and be myself and laugh - and then actually be okay to go over his place. At the same time I was feeling overwhelmed by all his advances that made me frustrated if they were or not. If he just liked me asa friend or more. The hot and cold routiene left me feeling horrible about myself due to my past and my BDD and just really wreaked havock on those things and my self esteem and I become obsessed with trying to impress him really - because I just wanted to feel accepted as a woman and I guess I was trying to over write my past - wanting a guy to tell me good things to me and I put alot of power into wanting that from rugs because I liked him. But I did realise that it was unhealthy for me to be like that. Then I decided to just start to be like that for myself instead- I really despite my bad bdd at the time at the start of this year - and I did get quite ill with depression and severe weightloss too - that I started to actually re-surge and feel self love again and started to really get a strong sense of independence and confidence back - self love etc.
And it was at that point that rugs actually kept asking me over to his place and then in a short time, ask me out. And I now know that he did always actually like me. Just didnt want to act on things because of his own past.

Anyway Ive been in this relationship- the first in a proper relationship for 5 months - nearly 6 months soon. And its just been such a growing experience for me. I just cant believe that there is this guy... that no matter how bad I get in my mind of how much I may see myself with disgust - with the ocd of bdd and just wanting to go away and try to avoid men and image and all of that- that secretly feeling bad about myself deep inside- that there is a guy that completely loves me - how I look - who I am - all of me. I just really find it confronting really - that he really loves me loyally for who I am as though anything I do - that I naturally do- that there is nothing wrong with me at all.

And I just cant believe that this guy - just feels love for me - that can look at me and post photos (that I hate of myself) all on his wall on facebook- and even stitch a banner of all photos of me (which was BDD disaster for me and I hate my photos that he has taken without me knowing.. but I love the act and thought - I just dont look on there).. that a guy would do things for me all the time and feel deep feelings and share his room and change his own world for me - just so many things - I just never thought that would happen to me I guess and I realise that I have low self esteem - but its more of a wave thing with my self esteem because I havent had much to grasp as Ive spent most of my life away from people. But things just feel so solid and loyal and yet flexible with rugs. He is a type of person that builds on relationships and I have felt that. We are both different people from when we first got together and mostly for the better.

But having said all this - I know that I need some time out and need to catch my breathe and get some grounding in my own independent life away from this relationship. As I just need to really balance things - my time, people, all sorts - mainly though I need to do my things that make me me that I havent been doing for ages. And because I havent been doing them - IVe felt like I have wasted my time in regards to my personal goals of what I want not including relationship stuff.

But anyway, I wanted to write about some other things that have happened because I need to reference it because Ive had my fair share of brainwashing bad things said to me from one person 10 years ago that somehow still seem to hold in my subconscious because I never since then had anything ultra nice to combat the ultra bad I guess. Until now.

So my thing about BDD- its weird because I have noticed that when ever I hear a person talk about another person (mostly about women) and regarding how they look - for instance if someone says so and so is pretty- then I will get really confused and then see that said person as ultra pretty - it will actually alter the way I see that person and I will get jealous and see them as on a pedastool- its really weird and I think its just that with BDD your radar on looks is kinda broken and you go by what other people see and say . For example people had said about Rug's sister how she is pretty and things and I never really thought so until that was said and then after that I would shrink when she was around - feeling like she was a beauty model or something - when really I dont think she is - and yet I just dont get what people see- yet I see it a bit. Its just weird. But for some time I would really think and feel jealous and as though she was supreme just because of a few people saying things about her positively in her looks. She wears alo of makeup but to me - I just could never see it - but yet I felt that way- odd.

So anyway- Ive actually had some nice things come my way regarding personal compliments and things for once in my life. For one- I did this huge big stuff up embarrassing thing about 3-4 or more weeks ago where I wrote to rugs - sent him a letter/message about how to be around me when Im in BDD mode that can lasts for weeks. See, I was in extreme bdd at the time and just had to secretely leave when he started talking about pretty people or something - but he wasnt saying anything bad to me - and yet I felt like he was saying I was less than - things like that. Anyway I wrote this long quite negative thing about the thoughts that are in my mind when Im in bdd world - i wont get in detail but anyway I did that and then I wrote a thing on my actually public to friends and family all about bdd and how I cope lol . I was just sick of it all you know and it was a very brave thing to do. Anyway - he didnt want to really read it and said we were beyond that now, but it turned out okay anyway- just I got embarassed by what I wrote - but the thing is that the act of writing those things actually got it off my chest and helped get rid of it.

But the thing is that I was talking to my mum and mentioned my bdd and she told me that rugs and her had a conversation about me and my looks and had quite a few times and it was overwhelmingly positive compliments that any girl love to hear. He had said that I was really pretty and they conversed that I was very lucky that I dont need or wear makeup and naturally look pretty and even whom ever said it that I was like a model and very lucky and I have very nice skin and things like that. So I was feeling quite good about myself from that because I felt like it pushed the bad things away a bit and that I could see myself in a more positive light just like I had with rugs sister.

Anyway, to have a boyfriend that likes to look at me and has mentioned in texts when Ive asked a few times if he thinks Im okay in the face and hass responded that he thinks Im very pretty. That has helped me. And I know Im sounding egotistic here. But its something that I will keep to force over my bdd - even in the high ocd times - I feel I just can use some assurance I guess.

And then there is this guy that comes to my work every Friday to see me - just a customer and (some guy in his late 50s) who lkes to run out to chat to me and last few times caught me in my car and held my door open as he talked to me. Which is creepy and I leave early now but, he left a note in an envelope on my car window the other day about joining this coast care group he is in and had his personal phone number and wrote my name and hoping I was feeling better as I was ill last week- and that week he was I think going to ask me out to the cinema. Anyway - I havent mentioned my personal stuff to him like the fact that I have a boyfriend .. but anyway- my point being - that this guy obviously doesnt think Im ugly then you know.

And Ive had other compliments today too. Also, I remember in winter a few months back - when I was working with some young volounteer guys at work and they were very flirty with me- one guy not wanting me to leave and actually standing in front of my car jokingly. So, I guess I have things to say that I am not this horrid looking person that in the midst of bdd- I think I am. That for all the little uncomfortable tweeks in ocd that can turn into makor face altering reflections and stuff and things like right now that im going through and being very apprehensive and fearful and ocd and mind altering negatively to the mirror - those things I think are hard to rid myself of- but I guess when I feel real bad and insecure and unknown about how I look - that I will just use those good things to take on my visual identity instead. Because thats mainly how I feel- that I dont have a realiance on the mirror - it just all warps depending on my mindset and what I concentrate on - I just cant trust or see my reflection normally for what it is and it can feel like I am blindly going about life not knowing how I look or seeing myself distorted (for me having a face kind of melting and long) so having a back up of just reassuance that Im not bad like I can think is good for me.

 

[grapevine]

Anyways.

Im just writing condensely atm. There are things that are bugging me. One of them is the other night, half asleep in bed and we were having a good deep conversation about things. I dont really remember much of it - but I remember him saying that his last relationship - it was nothing - (this is the one that gave me BDD when ever it is mentioned because before we were going out he would talk about how gorgeous she looked and no - one compared and then when he asked me out - he said I could look hot or better if I wanted to and could get tips from his sister..) so anyway - he said that was the most heightened of feelings good and bad that he had ever felt with another person and that it was weird that she had the same tastes as him in everything. You know, and I said to him (trying to make myself feel worse) that was she your soul mate? .. and he said he didnt know. Which made me feel quite upset.

I mean, I know he loves me to bits at this point and he has said that if he ever saw her again he would want her to leave and even talked about violence. I mean, he ended up ill because of her. But it jsut all still makes me feel really bad about myself - like I dont and never will compare to her. But the way he sees me is someone of depth and heart and more than just how I look - I know that- but I just feel like Im not that woman that he fell in love with because of how she looked and what she liked the same as him. I mean, this is a blonde lady that poses nude on facebook, yet at the same time has pictures with her child on the same page. Its a woman that went out with lots of men and that rugs sent lots of hand made presents to and even took his mother's ring to her. That, she just didnt care for him. and broke his heart. I mean, it was in 2010 and then he ended up in a nut house with illness because of it as he was on drugs at the time.

He had been heart broken and changed after that, to someone full of hate apparrently. And yet, now I come in and he has changed a little bit.

I know he loves me. And does just about anything for me. But he is not making a scrapbook full of all things that happened when I was born and giving it to me and things. And I feel like he just wasnt over whelmingly attracted to me maybe like he was with her i dont know - its hard to tell.

But what I do know is that everytime she is mentioned its a real sore spot for me and I shrink down in pain and uncomfortableness and feel deeply inferior as tho I will never be that woman- and I jsut feel like in way that Im jut this woman of heart that he loves that does things for him and he admires me - and stuff - that Ive given him some heart back- and a future and things - but that I just can feel like Im not what that girl was idk.

I mean I see him feeling overwhelmed with me - I get that. With feelings I mean. But I guess what I need from him is to feel an intense more romance and like I am the one and not his past - I mean I think this is mainly all in my mind as Im jealous and have bdd - but I guess I jsut I dont know I want to feel like I am the one more than she was- I want to feel that admiration in looks and other things I dont know - it sounds egotistical really - I guess I am just feeling inferior and frustrated when she is mentioned (which is rare now). I dont know how to go about this as it is something that is a real dig in the guts at times in this relationship.

 

[grapevine]

Okay - so I'm having serious issues with each exhaustion and dealing with the flue that seems to have stuck around for weeks making me so ill but not so ill that others can tell you know. And the other major one being stress. It's just got so out of control and my body is dealing with it in ways that makes me not the best I ca be and I have seriously bad mental health when I feel not in control of my body. For one , I just am used to really being in an awesomely healthy routine with my juicing and smoothies and being able to make healthy choices all the time when I crave things as I'm home. Yet the thing that just overwhelms me is the fact that for 5 months now since I've been in this relationship that has been growing and evolving positively - is the frustration of my living arrangements and trying to find my independence in this relationship as I really haven't had any when I have craved for it.

So all those things that have made me me like the juicing and raw vegan foodie as I love having my own little adventures in cooking and making and trying recipes and looking after my health as it's my thing. But for these 5 or so months I've put the relationship first and been living kinda rough in way that I mean not my own home comforts but comfy but not home tho you know. I mean I was first in denial living with him in his parents double garage lol - but I would end up being there all of the time and end up staying over all of the time and disregard my health things and beauty things you know - those self love independent things that make you feel your best - I just didn't have the time anymore - and it's still kinda like that.

It's like when I'm in his garage which is basically home but without a kitchen and things - we have couches and Rv and speakers laptops and a queen bed and lots of furniture like a mash between and lounge and a bedroom and we have decorated it - I've had my area where I've decorated the wall with my own pictures from tumble and things like that and kinda made a girl side within this man cave which is evolving or spreading to changing most of the room which I am aloud to do anyway.

But I want to be able to wake up and have a kitchen and do my food things because as a high percentage of my diet has been raw vegan as I feel amazing like that and have evolved to that - you are basically in the kitchen often and need a lot of space room to put your fruits and veggies and to prepare your meals. And it's hard because we have a little bar fridge and a table and chairs but that's it.

So I've Ben putting all of my things my life stuff that makes me happy within my body aside in order to prevent less hassle and stress of having to use even more petrol and drive all the way home to make all my food and stuff and be on a time liiit - you know it just drove me into a wall . So I decided to bring my high powered blender and my cold pressed juicer and all my produce to fit in the tiny bar fridge.

And yet a few days have gone by and I haven't used them yet. One thing that puts me totally off is that his dog that is completely not toliet trained but yet 5 yrs old - has to sleep with us each night - and does weed and poos on the limo floor every night in huge floor space and then flies come in - and that happens every morning and he or I mop up the mess and just that puts me off making my juice and using all my utensils and all that you know.
As I've had to try and place all my stuff on the table and it's just not the same as having a kitchen as there is no sink or water outlet other than a cold tap outside. It's just I hate it. It makes things that were easy for me hard. It has made me take the easy way out and buy takeaway - something I hadny done in over a year- it also makes my buy junk food too.
And I've felt it so badly within my body and have been kicking myself now as my body intuition of what nutritionally I have been so highly insightful about has begun to disappear and cravings take over instead - and my hormones have been mad and my weight at the moment has gone up an it and I'm all bloated and swollen and when I'm out of control with my body like this it seriously makes me feel very uncomfortable and anxious . I feel like I'm just going to get reallly big again and not be able to stop eating junk food - even though I know I'm in control and I know that I like to eat healthy anyway and crave feeling way better again - it's just the frustration of trying to put my life back together because of moving in with my bf. trying to live in my way and not be influenced over his lifestyle . I think the thing has been that I have been so stressed �� that I haven't been able to actually fully relax my entire mind and body for over theses 5 months I've been dating and because I haven't been able to do that , it has meant that I've not had that privilege to have that reflection time and wrote and journal and then get my wants and desires and plans and goals out and push them - something that I have always and since last year really pushed and really achieved everything I had pushed.
I just really need to have that time . I do t know how to go about it- I want to use my xtrainer at home, I want to spend time at home without having to rush as I know even tho he won't say it he gets bored at my place and always wants to be with me - and that anything I want he we somehow try to help me in anyway he can. I just if I wanted to stay at home for a week, I know I would get this seperaroon anxiety and feel odd and rush myself and feel bored - that kind of thing and yet I want to be at home tho - but like when he stays over - I feel like I just can't relax as tho I'm on a time limit even tho I'm not - like I really miss my dog and my animals and watching films with my parents and it makes me kinda angry and frustrated that I have missed out on those things as he is with his comforts like that at his place you know.
M
I just really need to put myself first - yet the other thing that stresses me out is money and responsibilities as he never has money and where always in my car and he lives across town and up hills and it's just I'm always loosing petrol and spending on him and me - in conveince and kindness and allowing gym self to stoop pow and disrespect myself in people pleasing . It stresses me out that he can have rally no money at all - to put $5 or more on petrol - you know that is basically just above the red line empty zone lol - it would make me so much better if he actually was responsible and had money and budgeted ether then his dad having to do it and some how restrict and control it all - I don't understand it and I feel it's rude to ask. - but it's really eaten into my own finances really badly that it creates a real unfairness and unbalance in this relationship as I feel so worn out with stress over that and living away from my comforts and I just feel so worn out physically and mentally and I get these crying attacks where I just feel so overwhelmed yet too overwhelmed to actually be in my full reflective emotions you know.
I feel burnt out. Last week I had a bill for my car service and all together it came to over $1000 and i basically to be responsible had to loan off my parents- I've only got a little car from 2004 - that has very low km - but I've been over using it for these months I've been with rugs and put aside my over due service.
I just want him to step up the plate I want him to go on disability pension as I know he would get it but he wants to do his study of this diploma instead even tho it's not even full time - he can apply for disability now and I've even printed out forms for him but the thing is he his mental illness isn't fully seen by himself and saying that he is studying a diploma makes him look capable yet in reality I'm the one that has to sit with him and do 70 percent of the work - he cannot do it alone and cannot be motivated on his own to do it on his own and it suc as had I known that I wouldn't if supported him - it means it's another unfair thing for me with my time - I don't want to have to be concerned with his assignments and tests and basically do them for him with him - he signed up he should do it himself you know.
Anyway - he's a very good guy and has learnt a lot about me now and I know that if I voice myself he responds with change for good but it's just I do t like to hurt feelings when speaking up and sometimes maybe I just need to act with change myself I make examples idk

 

[grapevine]

So tonight, since 6:00 or so Ive been basically doing my bf's assignment - helping him by doing major parts of it because he is not academic at all and its due in tomorrow which I didnt realise. He had so many opportunities to do it and last night he stayed up ALL night doing facebook and whatever - so he hasnt slept at all- and yet is staying up tonight to try and do this major assessment that he hadnet even bothered to look at for over 8 weeks.
Even when I mentioned it.

The thing is, Im just wondering and knowing that I am the one who is basically going to have to do it for him and I do not want to have to do a diploma for him - that is beyond stupidity and people pleasing.

It just sux- I give too much and he cannot see how un-responsible he is in so many areas - be it financially or time wise and so many other things - and I end up being the one who has to be the fixer and a carry all of his things - I dont want that and I will voice this after this assignment. I even gave him an incentive ages ago (of something of a sexual nature that I really dont want to do - but I wanted to encourage him to do his study at the time and that seemed like something that would push and encourage him as a reward- only then I didnt realise to the extent of his learning disability and that this study is basically way out of his league - and that I had helped him ages ago before he signed up with a academic test to see if he was capable (which I wasnt really understanding of what it was at the time when I had helped him- if I hadnt of helped him, it would of turned out that they would of realised that he is not capable of this diploma - yet instead they think he is because of my input as I helped him in that test.
And so Im not going to want to also give myself away in a sexual nature of something I am not ready to do as a reward of him completing this assignment when Im the one who has basically had to do it for him and help him.
This will be a loooong stressfull night and already is.
I shouldnt have to be stressing myself out even more as I havent been well in that category at all.
And the thing that gets me frustrated though is that because he can be quite delusional about himself regarding his schizophrenia and how he sees himself as very high in ego on things even with this study - its hard for me to actually say to him that I dont think he is capable of doing it himself at all and that I am just not prepared to want to do it for him at every step you know. He just cannot see his illness in front of him - the little things that are also big things. You know - just his mind can be so inlfated of himself that he really cannot see his everyday holes in his life and it can be a real turn off and a bit of an embarrassment too.

I mean I actually see him beyond this which is good as he actually getting so much better and a very loving and caring bf to me. ITs just I know that many girls would not lean so much as to give themselves away like this in order to help him if they were in a relationship. I just really need to after this - give myself some free time of my own to do my things and to also voice my concerns to him on this and money and the other things I am having issues with.

I want him to be able to really see himself for the holes he has in his life - and I know that sounds bad - but with him he can be blind by it and perhaps kinder to myself and to him if he actually hears these things as I know if I voice them, that he will most probably try to fix them for me somehow.

But I want my independence - money wise and car wise and being at my own home and not his - just because Ive lost all those things -

 

[grapevine]

Im having a bad day and I decided to de activate my account on FB for a while too.
My hormones are making me feel grumpy and annoyed today. Esp when I get to his place where I stay and find him smoking n the room instead of outside. I mean I am doing so much and even tho it could ve been once- you know.

It just surpasses my biggest values. My health : (((((

 

[grapevine]

I dont know how to deal with things right now - I feel overwhelmed and in high anxiety which has been a running theme for 4-5 months now.

Its just too hard to live but not really live over someone's house. For that person to expect me to always use my car and to live so far away -

Im just feeling really angry and annoyed and stressed out and also just happen to have pms.

 

[grapevine]

How can someone just not realise they are taking and taking and expecting me to carry them - even when I have voiced this. I know its me, I people please - I like to help people and I have high motivations where I just want to be able to do everything and make everything perfect (well not perfect - but make things - get them done ). And it just annoys me like right now - after a whole week of an extention Rugs wrote to his lecturer online- and didnt bother to look to see if it was even granted until this morning (even tho I told him to do all of this days ago when I was at work and even asked him to get his dad to help him). And its due tomorrow - and this whole day today and yesterday and he is the most procrastinator out there - it completely puts me off him - to have someone as a partner that neglects basic responsibilities.
So whilst Im freaking out with trying to peice together a report by him and his whole day of laying around and not doing anything - and then even having to 'come' with me to my place as I had to make my food and have a shower and get my laptop- that precious time he could of been studying.
Its like he just waits for me to basically do it for him as he has no academic understanding and gets overwhelmed and just doesnt even bother.

Its not fair to me- to him to leave it to the very last minute and ask for my help even when I specifically asked him to do it with the help of his father or someone else this week. Instead he just ignored it.

And the nerve of him this afternoon to tell me that his mum wants him to go down to the town to get some milk from the store- and then ask for my keys...

I drive everywhere - and he doesnt use his money for petrol except for $5 or something like that. So again - its my money going down - my petrol going right down and Ive only got less than $500 in the bank right now and I have to top up his phone recharge and things -

I just cannot have my money and use it all on him and me - all the expenses- I have to pull ALL of the weight and its so unfair.

He needs to budget and not use my money. I am the one who has to drive my car back and forth all the time- from my place ( which is a bit far and he lives on a hill) and also we always go in my car to go places plus to go to work is even longer from being over his place.

He stayed over my place the night before - yet leaves early - like he cannot hack it - I mean Ive been staying over his place for 5 months now without all of my own things - and he cannot stay for more than one night.

I just am so stressed out. I mean grow up.

He even decides to make stupid videos of himself and post on facebook or youtube and just be very immature - and even manage 10 facebook pages - with his delusions.

I just hate it, because I end up being responsible for him.Even when I decide not to.

Ive learnt and always found that what ever another person does - its there life- their responsibility - and I am not to judge - and definately not to put expectations on another person - that is not fair and ruins things.

But by me bending backwards all the time with him - its creating expectations or more- a complete imbalance and wanting something for the things Im doing, and it just is compounding over and over.

I need to make things right somehow. I have wrote and told him - but its not really something getting through.

He cant manage anything much in his life at all and I want him to go on the disability pension - but I dont think he can see his disability in front of him.

How do I even push this.

I am so stressed as Im going out with someone that is like a 12 year old - with no responsibilities and like Im his mum and also his bank and everything. : (

 

[grapevine]

Hey- i thought there was a comment in here. I love comments because they help me so much. The reason why I have written in here in the first place.

I havent had the time at all to just write things down- Ive had so much stress that its built up and up and more things on top of it that its been very hard to digest and compute it all in here - I have recently just gone and wrote in how your feeling instead as I feel like Im not really trying hard to think through things like I have done in the past - rather just express my anxieties and all that.

So Im sorry if it has seemed like Ive been rude- its no the case intentionally at all - just been so overwhelmed in my own world that Ive just been ignoring going through my issues and hence getting some depression because of it. Just so much stress.

 

[Megaten]

I did ask if he was like that before you two got together and someone else said something. But I thought you got annoyed so I deleted mine.

 

[grapevine]

I did ask if he was like that before you two got together and someone else said something. But I thought you got annoyed so I deleted mine.

Hi Megaten : )

No I absolutely never get annoyed with anyone's intervene here. Honestly for anyone to actually care enough to read thie - its like wow to me. A big thankyou.

Well, yes he was like this before. But not before he got sick in 2010 and ended up at his folks living in the garage and his dad withholding his pension - (I mean only letting him have $20 or more here and there - when he asks- but never having a bank card and that sort of thing).

So it really does annoy me - brings me down because I find myself compensating for him all the time - its so easy when you actually are normal and have a bank card and paywave things - because they usually equate to more than just that $20 bill . He has to have his iced coffee in the carton nearly every time we go out - which is about $4.00 - and in the afternoon and usually he doesnt have the money for this. And its just that I am living in the double garage with him at the moment (dont even remember consciously making that decision) but there is no kitchen - but a bar fridge - and so I end up buying stuff for me - packet foods Ive spent years staying away from (at least health packet ones) - but I crave going home all of the time - wanting to do my raw food cooking. Ive tried numerous ways to organise myself to making my food at hime and bringing it over in preserve jars and that sort of thing- but it just is all too hard as there is no sink- or any kitchen things and it just puts me off really.
I want to feel good again inside from the way I normally would eat rather than this junk.
I guess I feel so smothered a bit. Its like we have to spend every second together. That I just have to give up on my own independence.
SO when I go to do a little shopping I end up getting stuff for him - I like to get stuff for him - but I feel uncomfortable when he comes in with me though and asks for things - or doesnt and I know he would like something. I get him stuff - but it feels so un-equal and also when I hardly have any money from living away from home and not having a kitchen and compensating foodwise for that and driving everywhere - using the petrol and just it all adds up and gives me so much stress.

I just want and crave going home - yet at the same time I like to stay with him- but I miss my family and watching a film with my parents and not having him around for a a day so can do that. I just feel rude to ask of it. But I will.
I just cant live like this without my own livelyhood - my own life its like Ive been hijacked sort of - yet its a relationship- I just want to be able to do my juicng and growing sprouts and cooking and making my gingerbread and being there for my mum who cant drive and my dog I miss and not have to feel like I have to hurry up and be with him with my time on his watch all the time. He gets to be in his own environment - I dont you know. I mean I only live 22- or so minutes away- but its a long drive and with the petrol and to go back and forth just for food - I end up giving up - also because I get homesick just coming to hi and not seeing my family for weeks and then rushing around and not even being able to converse with them because Im in a hurry and just trying to remember everything I need to do and take with me.

There needs to be some balance. Im starting to get depressed when I want to be happy. I feel like Im loosing my sense of self. That everything I stand for seems to be lost kinda thing.

I mean- he is happy to stay over my place with me - but it can feel uncomfortable because we dont get the independence like at his place.

And i dont really want him to have to sit and watch a film with my parents. I want to enjoy it without him. Just with my family instead. I want that time and I want my own time.

But then the thing is that I am still going back and forth and still being so stressed out all the time. I am proposing for myself to have a complete week off at home to myself - which seems like a big ask - I mean I work 2 days a week and in those days he usually comes to visit me at work you know. Having a whole week off would seem like something horrid perhaps you know.

But I want to really get my health back and not be going back and fourth and neglecting everything at my own home with my animals and parents - for whom Ive completely neglected for almost 6 months now.

See, its like when Im home and he is with me - its like he is in the way as I end up with so many things to do and wanting to catch up with mum and dad and the animals and also do my own thing that it just gets uncomfortable and I jsut end up rushing and not really doing my things and just going back to his place as we are usually in my own car. Though he has his sister car he uses.

I just know that a whole week to myself would do me realy good. To be able to have that breathing space and get well as I have been in my complete anxiety disorder and so stressed out that its been horrendous and so tiring - I cant feel things and then I break out in tears on the spot.

I mean, is it too much to ask for a week for myself? I dont know- I dont want to hurt him- I jsut want my life - my hobbies and identity and health back again.

Plus I have so many things to do at home too.

I just feel so horrible with mum as she is being neglected and cant go anywhere as dad is always playing lawn bowls and she always relied on me to take her places and now I am not even there- I dont even see her at all - maybe once a week.
And its almost like a fight over me with my partner pulling me to him and my mum wanting me - and it hurts because i want to say yes to my mmum yet I dont want to let my partner down.

What i mean is that I want to be able to really give my full attention to my mum for a few days but I just end up unable to do that.

I feel terrible because of that.

Anyway- I really need to converse on here it helps alot and I just havent had the mental energy to let it all out as its just been on top and on top ad all condensed.

I always feel like I am being immature with my partner with a trival lifestyle when in the back of my mind I really need to be doing responsible things that I have left behind at home.

For instance I bought a whole heap of vegies at home to make juices to take over to my partner and my salads and I just ended up doing it once - and I really need to use that produce - otherwise once again I am wasting my money and food again you know.

 

[grapevine]

Okay. So I had a good talk with my therapist yesterday or was it the day before yesterday. Anyway, I realised that alot of my anxiety comes from the way I have always behaved with people. That I really make a big deal and kind of hold my breath in a way. Meaning I kinda hold onto anxiety/tension and over compensate the people I am with to feel as comfortable as possible.
So I kind of just become all about the other people - wanting them to feel comfortable so I will feel comfortable and I think that comes from having an insecure mother because she has always been partly deaf and now with choclea implant- has always relied on me kinda thing socially to interperate things.

Anyway. Right now, I had a rough day at work and am doing stuff way beyond what I should. It is chaos there- but I dont want to get into that right now.

I am thinking about my goals. I am kind of feeling quite sick of myself. I want to once again renew myself. I wrote and told my partner about feeling so stressed and wanting some independence and to be at my own home and doing my own things like cooking and exercising and stuff and he just out right told me that I can do those things. That its all fine and even suggested the next day for me to do those things. Though I chose not to. I need to make plans kinda - you know conjure up the energy mentally and physically - create intent.

Anyway. Ive been neglecting myself really badly and so my bdd has been creeping up on my once again. Its like I jsut never have any time for myself. That I am so stressed out and everyone seems to be in the way and moving so slowly and everything else to do seems so frustrating and tasks so complicated physically as though things are much harder than usual - loosing things and dropping things and all that sort of thing. And jsut the cortisol in my system - being tired but not being able to sleep and having so many worries and activity of things that are in your mind and too much to process and deal with, yet cont haunting - carrying around so much stuff.

But anyway, one of my goals is to be more feminine. I think I am not scared of being that way anymore. Not as much. I used to be terrified. But now - I just need to nurture myself more and get through this bdd - and unstable idenitiy thing that plagues me.
Find myself again and try to find good things in my appearance.

I so much hate going onto Rugs facebook page as it has the banner up the top all of me and us photos - he has secretly taken of me during our walks. And I fully hate quite a few there - as I look like a man. You know when you look in the mirror and all that you see are the bad points that you hate about yourself. Well the photos he has of me tell me - show me those things and I hate it so much. I get startled and dont want to see myself like that.

Anyway also- its just I feel in the way tonight. Why did I bother to go to his place- he is just gong to be playing guitar and in this mode and took some drugs from his drug friend again. e hadnt been around that guy for some time - but is only the best drummer he can find. I just have had a big day at work and really not into having to sit and endure heavy metal riffs continuely.

I want to unwind. And I hate not knowing where my home is anymore. I know its where my parents are but also Im living here.

But he is in music mode now because his friend is back to jamming with him and he had a day out with him. So its like - there is no response much from him - like someone on full adhd medication or something.

Why am I here? I am thinking of making an exit and going back home again. It feels like because I mentioned that I wanted to hve some of my independence - its like he has decided to concentrate on his music now and not me.

But yet, I dont know where I am - who I am much anymore. And I dont get that luxury of doing my things. I have sacrificed alot of all that. So, maybe I should go home tonight.

I like to duck home when he is not looking - when he is out of the room- that and leave a note. ITs rude- but I dont care.

I feel like I just really need to start nurturing myself.
I am having though this creeping bdd thing - once again on my cheeks - or loss of them again. Its like you see it - or notice it - no matter how mild. And then it becomes all you see and you just dont want to look at yourself- you hat it and want to fix it.
I still want to get fillers there. Its something I would like. But unsure about still. I just feel I look like a man still and I hate it.
When I smile I have cheeks, but when I am perplexed and stuff, my cheeks have gone - I have an oval face and after a large weight loss - they went south a bit and it just annoys me alot - I want my cheeks back you know.

So Im just feeling annoyed right now. Want to go back home.

 

[grapevine]

get soo sensitive to comments that my bf rugs will say sometimes . A heart dropping feeling when he mentioned today that it's funny how he has to angle the camera to get good shots of himself and yet his sister ( his words) looks mint at any angle. I told my therapist that I just get so skewed with my bdd as people say his sister is so attractive and yet I just don't see it. And that makes me question my tastes and compare to universal maybe . And it makes me feel like he only likes me for my body and what I have to offer but not my face. It's the bdd. I just can't take all this ego and looks you know.

It's funny because I even got upset once when a neighbor of his thought I was his sister from afar and I remember getting really upset about it. I thought a lot of things about her that were not attractive and yet people say that she is and o just don't see it and so I spurt out. I think if I feel pretty in the face if ever sometimes - i can't trust it I guess because I'm not seeing the prettiness at al in his sister. Although I know it's about how you see yourself .

 

[theslowesthand]

The lighting is another crucial aspect of photography, you know, if you want to look your best.

 

[Megaten]

Ask that girl whats different.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks guys.

I know that I have unphotogenic qualities - well that is how I feel. I think some people who have layered dimensions of colours and features - that are more fine- and not so obvious - somehow doesnt get picked up in many photos at all - where as people with dark hair and eyebrows and that sort of thing - get picked up easier in photos. Idk. But its funny how people can in real life look different than in photos and vice versa.

I jsut freak out when I see myself in photos as compared to the mirror I guess.

But its nt jsut that. Its that I have this uncemented identity (maybe a good thing?) - but it means that I get very sensitive (but Im getting better) to how others percieve me - It can change the way I think about myself and make me become someone I dont want to be - only because I will believe them. Whether positive or conflicting with how I think I am.

And I know this is because Ive been anti social most if not all of my adult life basically. Until at the moment - and a pocket of being social in my early 20s that resulted in abuse - then pockets of going out and studying but not being social and feeling sorry for myself and hating myself.

I feel I found myself last year. The thing is that now I am in this relationship- with someone who has a completely different lifestyle to mine, completely different values and tastes. And I seem to (for 6 months) sacrificed my own lifestyle and those things - to live with this guy in his double garage (more like a unit) - who is basically a bum - and run around going back and forth from home all the time- with comittments to home as my mum cannot drive or hear properly (and Ive always been in a co-dependent relationship with her)- and had to give up so many things in my life to be with him.
And it annoys me that when Im there and he gets to do his things all the time- but even when I do my things at my own place- its as though there is a time limit as he might want to know how long I will be and even come over to visit me - so when I am having the time to do my things - I also because I am staying over his place (basically kinda living there) - yet in denile still. . have to make the time to make my own dinner at home as I hardly eat over his - as Im vegan and he doesnt have a kitchen except for the one in the parents place - which is no substitute for my meat free - kitchen - with everything I use - at home (and its my hobby) - so anyway- I have to make time out to do that and plan and bring things all the time. Back and forth.

Im just getting so fedup inside - my instincts just hating driving all the way to his place all the time - always up those steep hills, always seeing the petrol go dow nand knowing that because I end up spending so much when Im over his place because I get hungry and havent had the energy to prepare myself from home and end up buying food each day - bot to mention stuff for him and then also having to always use my own car for when we go out and not to mention if we eat out having to pay for him or if we buy stuff - say if we thrift shop - always having to combine my coins with him- or even having to pay to recharge his phone. Even if I do those things without him asking sometimes. And then to have shock to see your entire savings amount to less than 200 in the bank when prior to this relationship I was really getting over 3000 - for someone on a disability pension with SA.

He doesnt work and his dad for some reason withholds his money and gives him a 20 or 50 every now and then when he asks for it. He doesnt even hold a bank card.
I jsut dont get it. So when we go out and he always has to have his ice coffee in the morning and afternoon and doesnt budget for it and relies on his family to kindly get one for him if they are out or me. It all adds up.

I hated when on my bday this year in Nov. and I asked him to go to this animal park with me and to bring 14 dollars - or something like that. When he saw that I had only my card - and he had notes and coins - he said it would be easier to pay it all with my card. So I just agreed (as I am never assertive with money with people). But when we left the park and I was hungry and had to get food for myself - he used his money to buy himself junkfoods from the supermarket and never said a thing about it. That - on my bday - that I ended up paying for him and using my car again etc.. Its like did he realise this?

It breeds resentment and I really need to kindly be well kind and respectful to myself and kindly let him know its not okay. And I will. Because I jsut am too far down the track now with not being able to feel anything anymore for him much - its like a closed door I dont want to open - rather just play an act and act low and be nice that way- but its fake and its making me ill. It will be so much better when I just soon after xmas - just lessen out a bit. I think I have feelings but they are burried - and that is because I havent been looking after myself. Ive been lost and in a see of severe stress with no time for myself. Yet he has time for himself in his own environment. Im not saying he is a bad person - he does things for me. Im just saying that - I need to assert myself and put what ever in my life I want - to come first and what ever happens with him - whether he gets with that or not - is something that I am ready to endure because I am not goign to be in a codependency at all lol. Anyway- Im not meaning bad things at all - just that for 6 months its been about me being away from my own life - and stuff and now I feel I am going to push it back. There needs to be a balance - otherwise Im just a shell of noone and wasting my life.

But its like I guess - with building resentment- and then its another thing - women we just keep adding to it. And I dont want to do that - I thought I would always speak out and communicate and I havent been really when I thought I had. The truth shall set me free.

 

[S_Spartan]

^this is why I don't even want a relationship anymore. Too much hassle.
I really would just like someone to go places with. Go on vacations. Go do fun things. Some intimate time, and then we go our separate ways. And we have our own money.
I actually already have that but she lives too far away.
But I find people to be so selfish now. Marriage doesn't seem worth it anymore.
The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

 

[Megaten]

It makes me think about something someone said on another forum "hooking up is easy, having a relationship is that actual hard part". Too bad they cant be as simple as in Dragon Age.

 

[grapevine]

It just means balance I guess.

I get things come my way that are positive. I just right now in a moment like this. Feel overwhelmed with emotions.

I basically live Argos place on this darn garage and his best friend came over last night - it was planned . And that's fine because I want to spend time at my place doing my things. But see he actually quit his Facebook and so I can't get hold of him and his credit ran out on his phone. And he has no money or either the measure to do it himself and we usually are always in contact and I mean always. And yet today I don't hear from him and I'm at work and spend the night at my own place for like once in a blue moon and messaged him to tell him I was coming over to get a few things and not to interfere but accidentally sent it on his mums phone. And so he wasn't expecting me when I came in and it was all smokey - like he always smokes outside and this time him and his mate - I knew they would were jjust smoking away in the room - and I'm not going to sleep there'd tonight then.
I sent him a quick message just before telling him I charged his phone for him and no reply.

So I am now feeling very overwhelmed and on the midst of an anxiety attack . I don't know where my home is ns I'm being ignored when usually I'm not.

I just hate all this sacrifice of myself - it's what happened but I've had to give up lots of thi ha including my own lifestyle and my own place and stuff and then to just feel like I'm not welcome kinda and ignored.

I feel like mirroring . I hate this - men make you rip out feeling good about your lately - that feeling like you don't need anyone - it gets take. Away from you and you become in some dance of codependence and emotionsl separation anxiety -

For me to give up my things aand always feeling like I'm on his time and The to go there and not be important -

It's just all - it's like where is my home etc you know

 

[grapevine]

Damn autocorrect