What’s the pointing venting how ah feeling? Nowt comes o’ it. Ah rarely feel better afterwards. Cuz me saying how ah feel does’nae change anything. There’s nae relief from getting it oot ma system, because it’s just this vicious circle. Where if ah say how ah feel, am laughed at — cuz struggling with depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts is funny, right? Or, at least, a Scottish person just matter of factually answer the question, “How are you?”, in a single word with a deadpan, lifeless tone to their voice is just hysterical funny, right? Yet if ah don’t say anything, then ah get shame for that anaw ! So, am just stuck in a rut that I’ll never get out of until my mother dies... and that’s just how it is.
I’m trap in this routine — this vicious cycle — where nothing changes. I’m told, on the one hand, that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. That what my oldest sister keeps tellin’ me. But, on the other, I’m telt am no allowed to, because I’m such clumsy, inept, stupid b@$%@*: that me taking care of myself mean that ah run the risk of potentially harming myself. That’s my mother’s mentality. Basically, that my disability defines me and every aspect of my life.
What a positive message tae gie yer son, eh? Dinnae bother tryin’,son. It’s no worth the effort.
But then, ma family dinnae really care about me. Aye, it’s aw well n’ good sayin’ ye care tae someone that ye supposedly love n’ care about, but if yer actions dinnae match thaem words, why bother telling that person ye love ‘em ? Promising you’ll change n’ be better, but ya don’t actually intend tae be? Why? Just can’t be arsed, I guess... Or, ye don’t give a f…k.
And yet, am the yin who’s burden with the responsibility, am the person they depend upon most. Am the yin trying to make up for the fact neither of my parents really raised me, as far as being the example to follow. And I’m the kid who got treated the worst by my mother, compared to my older siblings. But, naw, ah cannae keep holding that grudge against my mother for how she treated me in the past? Just disregard the impact of what being physically, mentally and emotionally abuse does to a children when it’s done by the parent. Because they love ye, really...
