So, eh, apparently my older sister still believes our mother “runs after me aw the time whenever I ask something of her” Clearly she’s forgot how summer through to latter part of 2017 went... cuz I rarely ask my mother to do anything for me anymore, not since getting ma orthopaedic surgery done. Naw, ah keep to myself and only ask when ah need help wae something. Not that ah git more than an excuse... Thus, don’t bother.
So, it’s middle child who being run after aw the time... ah mean, oor mother is still cooking meals n’ just assuming my older sister and her kids are coming to visit.
But, for whatever reason, am the scapegoat as per usual. And, despite ma best effort, my mother would rather cry-wolf about her health... Munchausen proxying tha absolute shite oot o’ it, according to my oldest sister. Instead of doing something about it, like exercising and taking her medications.
Guess ah should just accept that the last few years is how ma life's gonna be...
To be fair, ah never really hud much o' a life, really. Just constant battle, yin efter the other, to merely survive. Raised by and around dysfunctional folk who ah dinnae particularly like in all honest. Constantly told how I must be, what's expected o' me. And, of course, made to feel like shite if ah refuse to play along. But hey, ah've hud the burden of responsibility thrust upon me ever since I was 12, so...
It's no really surprising that I've turned out like ah huv, really. Stuck in a co-dependent parent-child relationship, where doing the "right" thing is meet with sarcasm n' contempt. Oh, and downright laziness. But hey, I'm the one talkin' oot ma arse when ah say that ah feel like I've never been allowed to have a life. Can't go out, because my mother "cannae cope being on her own". Can't do what I want to because: "Naw, dinnae bother"
And if I utter even a word of discouragement or negativity I'm in the wrong, somehow.
Ah think ah might do masel' in n' off masel' afore this year's oot...
Fuckin' sick tae the back teeth huvin tae bloody tolerate ma dysfunctional clan. Fuckin' roar n' shoutin' cuz summit when wrang ! But aw naw cannae say how immature that is, how childish... cuz that would be consider speak oot o' turn. Cuz a wummin nearing 40 behaving n' acting like a spoiled teenagers, that's normal. Innit?
Yet, every time an argument ensues aw ah cun think aboot is that family holiday that we (my mother, me n' ma older sisters) when on. A holiday that end with the sisters arguing on the last day o' the holiday. Cuz nuthin' seems to huv changed since that holiday. Am just supposed to fake a smile n' pretend we aw git along... Fuck that !
Awww... thanks. Doubt ah could say the same fur certain members o’ ma family, aside from ma oldest sister.
Tired o’ having to just put up with the middle child being allowed to treat oor mum the way she does. Cuz it’s me who gets the complaints: “Oh, am fuckin’ fed-up wae how am treated”, is my mum’s usual. Apparently I’m the yin who only occasionally treats her badly. Aye, because ah pick ma fuckin’ battles.
And I’m actually grateful when she does summit for me, ah don’t go: “Huh, thanks” like my older sister does. But hey, she did it tae me this past Christmas when ah hud to buy the present she wus giving her oldest daughter. But that’s just her....
Ye would think she’d be a bit mair grateful, but naw.
Yet, my constant suggestion for my mum to treat my older sister’s how ah wus treated whenever ah argued or went against her wishes gets met with: “Awww... but ah could’nae dae that ! That’s no fair !” Funny how she plays the victim when my sister git oan it her. But if ah do the same, she gets irrated to the point where, if ah don’t drop the argument, she’d probably kill me. Because my older sister’s never seen oor mother when she really loses it. Me n’ ma oldest sister huv, although these were separate incidents decades apart.
Just wish ah did’nae huv tae tolerate the middle child loses the plot o’er summit nearly every time she visits.
Seriously ah like tae know what exactly is about me? Why d'they (my nieces) always bolt upstairs to see me? Today wus the worst, like ! They're no even in the hoose fur 5 minutes n' oldest pelts it upstairs, telling the youngest to hold her hand. Pretty much dragging her along by the sound of it. My oldest niece's response to being told: "No, downstairs! C'mon!" is...
"No !! We're going tae see Graeme !!" Followed by a single bang at my door, and it opens with my oldest saying: "Hello, Graeme..." and telling me the her younger sister was here to see as well. At which point she says: "Look, see?" Then laughs, which made me laugh as I said, "Hello" back to them..
And did the youngest o' the two want to go back downstairs: Did she fuck! Even when their mother came up and told her she had to, she just started to wail. No, the door had to remain opening because... "Graeme. Graeme... Graeme"
Then, downstairs in the kitchen, while the my oldest niece was away at some birthday party, I'm yapping away to my mum. And my youngest niece is standing by refrigerator, staring up at me. Then staring up at me, as I put the microwave on for my mum to defrost a ready meal I was going to have for ma tea. My niece is standing in between my mother and kitchen top at this. Though, my niece did, eventually, smiled at me as I sat at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for my mum to plate up my ready meal. Peeking out from behind my my mum's left leg.
Oh, but it did'nae stop there. My youngest niece had to come up and see if I'd ate my tea. And wus huvin none of it when she wus told, again to come back downstairs. So, I had to bring my empty plate and spoon downstairs, as my mother and niece walked in front of me. My niece looking back every step to make sure that ah wus actually following them down.
I genuinely don’t know how to articulate how am feelin’ the now...
It’s just multiple thoughts aw converging aroon the same theme or topic. Basically 15 years o’ rage n’ resentment.
Fuckin’ pisses me off that every bloody time ah ask or challenge why something must be done a certain way my mother gives a joke answer n’ think am being funny in asking my question. Yet, she’s not once done that with my siblings ! Cuz she know the argument that’ll erupt...
But oh, it’s “no nice” to say: “Ah cannae wait til you’re deid”. Even though ah partly meant those words, cuz am fed-up with being treated like a child or as if every word that comes oot ma gob is meant jokingly. But hey, who tha fuck cares if the youngest o’ the family is burdened wae mair responsibly than he should be? Or that he’s yin trying to get things done... Naw, fuck em ! It’s his fault fur being too nice...
Wish my siblings knew what it’s been like for the last 18 years o’ma life. Aye, it’s aw well n’ guid saying ye get why ah feel the way ah do, but they’ve no hud tae live wae a person who does nuthin’ tae help herself n’ fuckin’ complains every time am in tha room. Another thing my mum never does with my siblings cuz... again: argument ! But she just dismisses my suggestions anyway, cuz she “does’nae like being telt white tae dae”
But she got nae issue with bossing me aroon? Aye, that makes sense... and of course buying the same groceries twice a week is completely normal, innit? Then ya fling them in the cupboards n’ forget they’re even there. Then, by the time, ya get them out again, they’re oot o’ date by 2 years or more. As I said: it’s normal.
By the way, is there a term of someone who is consistently negative about anything n’ everything, and dismissive of others? Ah mean, aside from cunt... Surely there must be, no? Like a personality type?
Ah really hope this is the depression I’m currently going through is the yin that does me in. Cuz ah cannae keep on daein this. Being there for folk who could’nae give a fuck about how much time n’ energy I’ve sacrificed in order tae keep them happy. Ah dinnae get a thanks for it. Forever being guilt-tripped whenever I do something for maself. Can’t even go away for a weekend without being telt am selfish [email protected]$turd for doing so...
Every time express how I’m feeling, it’s a either laugh at or ignored. Cuz whit does someone like me huv to be depressed about? Or ah huv nay right to feel how am feeling. Oh, but they know how difficult it must be for me. D’they fuck !!
Been in a lotta pain, lately. Physical, mental, emotional — the works. Between my mother’s health, my own and the seemingly endless arguments. And my oldest sister wonder why ah keep a lot to maself...
I’m so fed-up with constantly feeling obligated whenever my family suggests something to me. Cannae say “No” otherwise am forced to justify my reasons why. Like fuckin’ yesterday, my oldest sister insisted I come with her to post some newspaper down to my uncle who lives in London: “...just to get me oot the house”.
Aye, why no? Let’s just ignore the fact that I’m barely able to keep my eyes open. Am tired, full of the flu, and hardly slept much at all the night afore !
And Mum is continuing to waste money with this habitual grocery shopping. Am it ma wit’s end, ah really am. 3 years... she said the same thing. She’d change, but she’s yet to do so. And I’m seriously considering moving out n’ leaving. It’s either that or kill masel’...? Though it’s not like my presence would be missed, since my family for the most part only ever treated kindly when we out in public. Behind closed doors, it’s like am invisible.
Well... fuck me ! Got peace n’ quiet for most of the day today. Had the house to myself. Though that’s not the most shocking thing that happened the day. Just 24 hours after attending a concert in Glasgow together, I’ve actually managed to teach my oldest sister a song on the bass guitar. And there ah wus thinking: Fuck ! This’ll take 8 weeks...
So, yesterday... what an utter pain in the arse that wus !
Ah git awakened up at 10 o'clock by my mother saying "Awrite ! Ah'll just ask 'em" as she makes her way up the stairs to my bedroom, arguing with my older sister on the phone. Next thing, am asked: "Is that aw the photo size ye cun print?" Barely awake, ah just go: "Aye".
"Whit wus the size o' them other photaes ye did last year?"
"Ah cannae remember, Mum. Honestly cannae mind"
"Graeme cannae remember"
"How cun he no remember?!", ah hear ma sister yelling "Awrite, nae need tae shout", my mum says, leaving and making her way back doon the stair.
Next thing, ah hear my mum coming back upstair, still on the phone to my older sister. So I met her at the top o' the stairs. She says: "You've no gave her aw the photo sizes". By this point am really pissed off, ah mutter: "Fur f_%! sake" under ma breathe. Yank ma mum's mobile phone oot her hand with such force, am surprised ah did'nae take her right ear wae it and go: "Whit is it...!? Hullo?! Hullo?!" Ah look at the phone. "She f__kin' hung up. The c_%*!" Then ah just went off about how ah did as my older sister hud asked, regarding the photo sizes, even telt her that my computer only has a few of photo sizes in centimeters that'll probably no be exact to inches.
Ah wus in such a crabbit, pissed off mood, ah just stay in ma bed aw day, Saturday.
Though, my oldest sister told today that she hud a good laugh at my mother describing what went doon when she phoned her yesterday. As me getting pissed off enough to speak back to any of my family in the same manner as they do me when they're pissed off is quite rare. And she also said that ah gave our middle sibling a taste o' her own medicine as far her attitude goes.
So, apparently, my older sister never made mention that she hung up on me over the weekend there, when ah snap at her over those photos. This incident wus’nae brought up when she phoned my oldest sister, shortly after me losin’ the heid (my temper in other words). Nor did she get on at our mother when she phoned her back.
And she (my older sister) did’nae even bolt upstairs to angrily shout at me when her and her wee ‘uns (my nieces) were round today. Probably cuz she knows full well that am no somebuddy ye want to really piss off. Not that ah get violent, well no physically at least... unless being spat at while every question ah ask contains some variation on the word f__% counts?
But ma oldest sister backed me up saying, that if she speaks to you like that, you’re allowed to do the same to her.
Aw, my older sister, the middle child, was being a total bitch as per usual. My mother and oldest sister went n’ picked up my nieces from nursery, because the middle child failed to get in touch. Apparently she was going to text if she wus’nae back in time, before 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Therefore, my mother and oldest sister hud tae collect the kids.
So, the middle child finally gets back. Ah assumed it was my Mum n’ oldest sister back with the kids, but naw. Ah glacé at time in the bottom corner o’ ma laptop screen and it’s 8 minutes past 3. Cuz the fact ye need to at the nursery before 3 means f…k all.
Anyway, the middle child comes upstairs to ma room, and the first thing she says tae me is: “Huv ye got them photos printed?”. Then she starts moaning aboot how our mother n’ oldest sibling went n’ collected her kids. That caused huge row.
Then, while printing the photos, because she never specified which of 3 photos of my nieces she wanted, ah fect that up. My fault as per usual... then when ah did what wus asked, she hud a go at me cuz the full page A4 photo prints cut off the sides of 2 of the photos. “Huh ! Why’s the side o’ the photo cut off ? That’s no how it’s supposed tae be” Despite that being how they always print out
So, my oldest sister decide tae f…ck off back oot for a run to the local tip n’ get rid o’ some boxes ah hud laying about. The whole time we’re away, our “caring, loving” middle sister berates our mother for huvin the nerve to pick up her kids. Oh, and while getting rid o’ the box, my oldest sister told me that our middle sibling said that if anything happens to our mother, the middle child wouldn’t bother caring for me. Which pissed me off...
When my oldest sister said it, ah went: “Whit !? Wus this agreed upon ? And... whit does that say aboot oor Mum?!”