Och aye the noo

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
My older sister’s got serious issues. Could’nae even be grateful that our mother n’ oldest sister picked up her kids fae nursery, yesterday. Why ? Oh, cuz apparently that makes the middle child feel “...incompetent as a parent”. :cry:Even though she’d sent a text to the oldest asking her n’ Mum to pick up the kids if she wus’nae back in time to collect them. :mad:

Did’nae even bother to thank me for printing off them photos o’ ma nieces, despite making a mistake initially as to what photos she was wanting done. Why bother spendings £40 pounds to buy a new printer, eh ? That money’s better spent buying yer kids clothes they will’nae be wearing in 2 years time. :mad:(n)

But what da f…%* would ah know ? Am just the “good fur nuthin’, waste o’ space” according to my older sister. Even though anything to do with computers is deferred tae me tae fix.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Didn't do much yesterday. But ah did get the best birthday present from my oldest sister and fiancee

A bottle of Iron Maiden's signature Trooper beer with a limited edition pint glass. :D

 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
F_ _k life... I've over stayed ma welcome on this planet ! 31 years? Should've been 24 hour at the most.

Too good for this world...? Naw ! Quite the opposite in fact. Not good enough, never huv been

Really should've died at birth, ah really should've done. Cuz I am not a good person, despite the persona I'm perceived to have. :(
I'm a c_%!, truth be telt. I am... but then ah got taught to hate myself. "Useless" - sums me up in a word.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Apparently 3 years ago things were supposed to change and I was going to get treated differently by my mother...

3 years on, and that promise hus’nae bin kept. Mind you, ah dinnae think she hud any intent o’ doing so.

Yet, it’s me who has to justify why I am the way I am. Well, being raised within a family that bullied me and put me down, verbally, any chance they got. It’s hardly surprising ah turned out to be the shy, introverted, insecure, antisocial type.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
“Look after Mum”, ma oldest sister says to me today.

Whit tha fuck huv ah been doing the last 16 years, then...? :mad: Ah sure as fuck huv’nae been livin’ ma life.
Cannae dae anythin’ withoot being telt “No tae bother”. Any advice ah give is ignored. Fuck, ah dinnae even get to huv a holiday. Cannae even get away from it all and relax. :mad:

I honestly don’t see the point o’ me continuing to exist. Why should ah, eh? Aw ah do is looking after other folk, rather than taking care of myself. Beside, who’d miss me. A few online friends at most. Family? I highly doubt, why would they given how I’m treated like a fuckin’ afterthought n’ a good-for-nuthin’ waste o’ space. Not yin o’ them care to understand how ah feel... it’s always about them. Cuz, who care if I’m depressed to the point of suicide? :cry:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well... ah thought ah wus exaggerating tae be funny when ah used to say “Ma family mental ! No right in the heid !”

Then, this afternoon — too lazy to post it herself — my older sister got me n’ ma oldest sister to post a birthday card. Cuz me n’ ma oldest sister were going to post some stuff ah sold on eBay. Anyway, my older sister gets into arguments with us over the cost of 1st class postage stamp. :oops:o_O A fuckin’ stamp ! And we were supposed to pay for it ! :mad:

“Well, ah’ll need money fur it, cuz ah’ve no got any on me”
“Eh...?! Well, how much is a 1st class stamp?”
“Could be a pound or mair”
“Huh ! Are ye jokin’...?”
“No, am no. It’ll be aboot that”
“How did that cost?”,
my older sister asks, nodding at my wee Jiffy bag with an eBay postage label on it
“One pound, five”, ah reply, waving the bag back n’ fourth.
“Gimme 2 poun’, that should cover it”, my oldest sister goes.
“Ye sure? You’ll gimme the change, right?”, my older sister asks, sounding a wee bit concerned. :LOL:
“Aye ! You git it back. Dinnae worry !”

And off we went, me laughing near to the point o’ tears in the passenger seat as my oldest sister started driving. :LOL:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Should’nae really be saying this, but...Ah wish ma nieces would just leave me tha f…k alone !

Ah honestly do. While ah git why they spend mair time wae me, a few minutes peace too much to ask? :(

“Do this, Graeme. Do that, Graeme. Watch this, Graeme ! Graeme ! Graeme ! Graeme !”
Honestly there’s a part of me that just want to yell at them: “Would you two f__k off !! Goan, git tae !”
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well... ah thought ah wus exaggerating tae be funny when ah used to say “Ma family mental ! No right in the heid !”

Then, this afternoon — too lazy to post it herself — my older sister got me n’ ma oldest sister to post a birthday card. Cuz me n’ ma oldest sister were going to post some stuff ah sold on eBay. Anyway, my older sister gets into arguments with us over the cost of 1st class postage stamp. :oops:o_OA fuckin’ stamp ! And we were supposed to pay for it ! :mad:

“Well, ah’ll need money fur it, cuz ah’ve no got any on me”
“Eh...?! Well, how much is a 1st class stamp?”
“Could be a pound or mair”
“Huh ! Are ye jokin’...?”
“No, am no. It’ll be aboot that”
“How did that cost?”,
my older sister asks, nodding at my wee Jiffy bag with an eBay postage label on it
“One pound, five”, ah reply, waving the bag back n’ fourth.
“Gimme 2 poun’, that should cover it”, my oldest sister goes.
“Ye sure? You’ll gimme the change, right?”, my older sister asks, sounding a wee bit concerned. :LOL:
“Aye ! You git it back. Dinnae worry !”

And off we went, me laughing near to the point o’ tears in the passenger seat as my oldest sister started driving. :LOL:
Well this story was topped today. At least in terms of sheer dumb f__kery.

So, as soon as my older sister was in the door, she marches upstairs and asks me to scan a document for her. Her kids come racing in the house, asking where their mother is. And their granny goes: “She’s upstairs, asking Graeme something”, so they race upstairs. Now ah’ve got them to deal with...

Anyway, ah get the scanner out, connected up to my laptop and reinstall the driver for it. My sister watches and listens to aw this; hoovering about me like a f…kin’ apache helicopter. And, after scanning the document I was asked to scan, my sister has the nerve to ask me: “Are ye sure it’s definitely scanned…?”

Ah just said: “Aye, it’s done”. Because ah very nearly said to her (in the front of the kids):

“Is that your attempt at a joke? Of course it’s f…kin’ scanned ! Did ye no hear the noises comin’ fae that… as soon ah plugged in intae the laptop ?! Ye sure yer no deef ?!” :mad:
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Cannae say for certain, but ah think ah might be the yin who actually give a f__k n’ cares aboot ma muther ? :unsure: :cry:
Though, am no just saying that cuz it’s ma Mum. But ah seem to be the yin who always asking how she is, offering to help out n’ that. And am always being telt tae look after her by my oldest sister.

Yet, for some reason, ah don’t feel like ah do enough.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
What’s the point anymore? I’m either not doing enough to make them happy. Or am a useless, selfish, inconsiderate [email protected]$%@*… That’s the two narratives I’ve gotten from my mother and siblings throughout most of my life up until now. Not that much has changed within the last 3 years. I’m treated like scum o’ the f__kin’ earth.

And, apparently, my indifference towards my mother’s inability to change her habit of hoarding groceries means I do f__k all for my own mother, according to my older sister. Never mind that, from 2016 to early 2019, I more or less f__kin’ begged and pleaded with my Mum to change her ways. But she never did. Promised to, but then made it all to seem like a big joke when I‘d get pissed off at her for not listening to me. :mad:

But that seems to me my main purpose in life: The comic relief. Idiot. Loser. The nice guy who puts everyone else ahead of himself. Cuz that’s what I’ve been browbeaten into. Amazing, the things emotional blackmail will make ye do, innit Make other folk happy and you’ll be happy. A notion that’s utter bawlick when yer raised in dysfunctional family that treats you more like an enemy than an equal.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ah doubt I’m going to live see 50 at this rate. Probably going to be deid in the next 5 years the way things are going.
No that many folk would miss me much anyway. It’s not as if my family treated me like a son or brother or a person that wus even worth caring about. Supposedly smart, funny, highly thought of, and yet I’m treated like $h!%.

Christmas being rubbish every year is my fault, apparently ! Aw because I don’t stick around once I finish the meal. And let’s just gloss o’er the fact that I’m in a room with 5 folk who somewhat like me, for reasons best kept to themselves, and one who has openly said she does’nae care about me. Why insist upon huvin me sit at the table, then? It’s pointless !
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
What’s the point... ah mean, why bloody bother anymair? It does’nae f__kin’ work oot in the end anyway !

“Oh, but it’ll git better. Ah’ll change, ah promise” When?! I’ve wasted 3 feckin’ years o’ ma life waitin’ fur that tae happen! Ah even feel like ma f…kin’ orthopaedic surgery was a waste, cuz in the last year n’ half, I’ve stopped taking care of myself properly. Not because I physically can’t; I just don’t have the energy to do it. Quite ironic that that operation n’ subsequent rehab was the happiest I’d been in years, cuz ah did it on my terms. Which is a rare thing fur me...

Noo, it’s back tae square yin. In fact, things feel like how they used to be, 19 years ago. Tense, dysfunctional n’ fuckin’ miserable. An argument on an almost daily basis. But, naw, better no say owt in case ye upset somebuddy, eh? Heaven forbid, ya f…kin’ be honest about how things are, right? And try to take steps to better a situation. Naw! Yer just supposed tae plaster oan a fake smile, pretend it’s aw grand — yer aw happy — when yer f…kin’ dead behind the eyes. Oh aye, it’s great feeling waking up every morning, hoping that mibbe this be the last day. If ye dinnae wake up the next morning; yer glad o’ it, y’know? The quiet life...

Ah cannae quite work oot what’s sadder, though. The fact, I genuinely feel like just ending it, or the fact that music is pretty much keeping me alive at this point? Why would the latter of those 2 things be sad? Because that’s how it’s been for the last 16 years o’ ma life. :cry: But ah guess that how it is when you’ve had responsibility thrust upon ye fae the age o’ 12. And yer expected to do this n’ that. Live up to expectations. And take care o’ everybody. except yersel’.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
What’s the pointing venting how ah feeling? Nowt comes o’ it. Ah rarely feel better afterwards. Cuz me saying how ah feel does’nae change anything. There’s nae relief from getting it oot ma system, because it’s just this vicious circle. Where if ah say how ah feel, am laughed at — cuz struggling with depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts is funny, right? Or, at least, a Scottish person just matter of factually answer the question, “How are you?”, in a single word with a deadpan, lifeless tone to their voice is just hysterical funny, right? Yet if ah don’t say anything, then ah get shame for that anaw ! So, am just stuck in a rut that I’ll never get out of until my mother dies... and that’s just how it is.

I’m trap in this routine — this vicious cycle — where nothing changes. I’m told, on the one hand, that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. That what my oldest sister keeps tellin’ me. But, on the other, I’m telt am no allowed to, because I’m such clumsy, inept, stupid [email protected]$%@*: that me taking care of myself mean that ah run the risk of potentially harming myself. That’s my mother’s mentality. Basically, that my disability defines me and every aspect of my life.

What a positive message tae gie yer son, eh? Dinnae bother tryin’,son. It’s no worth the effort.

But then, ma family dinnae really care about me. Aye, it’s aw well n’ good sayin’ ye care tae someone that ye supposedly love n’ care about, but if yer actions dinnae match thaem words, why bother telling that person ye love ‘em ? Promising you’ll change n’ be better, but ya don’t actually intend tae be? Why? Just can’t be arsed, I guess... Or, ye don’t give a f…k.

And yet, am the yin who’s burden with the responsibility, am the person they depend upon most. Am the yin trying to make up for the fact neither of my parents really raised me, as far as being the example to follow. And I’m the kid who got treated the worst by my mother, compared to my older siblings. But, naw, ah cannae keep holding that grudge against my mother for how she treated me in the past? Just disregard the impact of what being physically, mentally and emotionally abuse does to a children when it’s done by the parent. Because they love ye, really...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well, spending ma 32nd birthday stuck in the house with my mother wus’nae exactly what I had in mind. Thanks coronavirus. But then that did also cancel a comedy show ah tickets for, which would’ve happened last night had not been postponed. :mad:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Well, spending ma 32nd birthday stuck in the house with my mother wus’nae exactly what I had in mind. Thanks coronavirus. But then that did also cancel a comedy show ah tickets for, which would’ve happened last night had not been postponed. :mad:
I feel you, I've had to cancel my 30th birthday plans because of the coronavirus shutting everything down
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well, that's things back to the way they were. Not that that's a good thing. Yet, for a few months there, ah speculated whether everything's that going on would bring muh family closer. But, nah! Didnae happen. Though, that would've been a big ask of my family.

But, hey ho! Back to being miserable and on edge.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
This is pretty much how I've been feeling lately, but I don't articulate it.

Because the response is always the dismissive question that questions why I feel the way I do. But toxic, narcissist folk rare take the time understand how they affect others. It's always about them.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I feel like I should just give up. Give up on myself. Give up trying to make them - my family- understand how much of a struggle my life is. I mean, today, my mother straight up blamed me and said: my feeling out of place every time I sit at dinner table every Christmas with the family is my entirely fault. And nothing to do with how they've treated me in the past. No, the neglect, verbal, emotional and physical abuse does'nae factor intae it, because they didnae mean any of it.

Or the fact that my mother and I barely spoke to each other during my adolescence. Cuz she'd just snap at me for repeating a question because she'd just give me this blank stare whenever I attempted to converse with her. Coupled with the fact she once claimed, during my adolescence, that I was "too smart" to have a proper conversation with. :confused:

Isn't victim blaming great? No wonder men opt for suicide or substance abuse and addiction rather than talking about their emotions. Like why they're feeling depressed and so on. Why bother when the response is just going to make ye feel worse than ya already do? Devoid of any empathy.
 
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