Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

Is a sign of a boring life if ye cannae recall how many concerts you been to by the time ye hit yer early 30s? :thinking:

Anyway, I just cross another musician I’ve been wanting to see since I first heard her music...

My oldest sister and I went and saw Shania Twain last night in Glasgow. On the 2nd night of her UK tour. Absolutely brilliant show from start to finish. And before we drove to the gig, my sister says we’ll no be stay for the whole show cuz she wus’nae feeling well.

Neither was I, but we stayed.

 

[Graeme1988]

What’s the point... ? :idontknow: It’s seems pointless even making an effort, cuz most things usually end in failure for me. Day in, day oot, it’s a struggle. Despite those wee moments where ah proved am capable of taking care of myself. Not that ah don’t feel good when they occur, I just wish I had more of them.

But, instead, I’m stuck being co-dependent; not by choice though. Which makes ma situation aw the mair sad. Cuz ah really should’ve done more in life by the time ah turned 30. But huv’nae done anything, really. Nae big achievements accomplished. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

The way things are going and how I’m treated compared to my sisters, ah don’t think am gonnae be around much longer. I’m not enjoying my life. Not that bossed around and made to feel like $h!te for simply standing up for yersel’ is much of life. :sad:

Ah should never huv went through getting that orthopaedic surgery, with the goal to improve my life for better 2 years. It’s been a f*ckin’ waste. Aye, ma mobility is a lot better; but ma life is still constant same ol’ mix of anxiety, fear and doubt. Ah put maself through months of physical pain for nothing. ::

 

[Graeme1988]

Worried about my own well-being... don’t know if I’ll be around much longer the way things are going. Unless I definitely get rehoused by the end of next year. Cuz I sure as f…ck no longer feel like the house I grew up in is even home for me. ::

Not doing so great lately, feeling tired and miserable nearly everyday. No focus... cannae even make a decision for myself or ask for something without being contradicted by ma own mother. :thumbdown:

But she’s only trying to help, apparently. By making things worse... Great ! :kickingmyself:

 

[lily]

Aw i hope you will find sth that'll cheer you up

 

[Graeme1988]

Aw i hope you will find sth that'll cheer you up

Here’s hoping... cuz this past week has been crap for me. :kickingmyself:

I messed up transferring some family photos of my nieces from my sister’s phone to her laptop. All because my older sister just couldn’t shut about why she couldn’t delete an account linked to her phone. She’s banging on about there’s new photos in this one folder on her phone. I asked if she wants me to just move it to her laptop pictures folder, and ah git “Yes” as the answer.

So, photo transferred. She says comes back upstairs and asks if I transferred all the folders over.:Ah go: “You only said about the one folder”. “No, ah didnae!”. Ah considered repeating the question I asked, but thought better of it cuz that’d be insulting my sister’s intelligence. And she doesn’t need me to do that...

After I apologise my older sis moves on to asking me about why she’s being asked for her password to delete an account linked to her. So, I tell her why and she snapped at me: “Ah know that! Urgh! For f*ck... sake!”

8 years age difference between youngest and older siblings, and she’s the one behaving like bratty teenager. Let that observation sink in. The brain damaged, physically disabled, freckled faced spastic of a wee brother is responding to bad situation by trying to figure out how to fix it, and speaking calmly.

Oh, now I get why my 3 old niece comes and sees me whenever her mother yells at her when they come to visit!

Sorry, digressed into a mini tangent there. So, after the hostile reaction, I attempted to show her what she needed to do. Ah’ll no make that mistake again. That wus the moment ah realised: F*ckin’ hell... Ma cousin wus right! I am the “brain of this family”

So that’s been what I’ve been mentally go over in my mind, lately. That, and why my mother feels the need to state the obvious, and ask me questions she already answers by the way she’s phrased the question.

Plus, if I wasn’t so blocked up with the flu, I’d probably have got the rest of the clutter cleared outta my room.

I was hoping to get back into recording music, as I haven’t done that in nearly 3 months; but, when I went to plug my monitor speakers into my laptop, the soldered connection in the left speaker came loose. So I’ll either need to see if I can get it fixed, or buy new speaker cables. And buying things has become a helluva lot more difficult ever since my disbility benefit moved to end of the month payments. Because, now, most of my money is going towards rent and bills. Before I could, at least, budget better when I got money at the start of the month.

It’s not easy...

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah used to think it was odd how my family would change how they treated me depending on the situation and where we were, now I realise they were only doing that cuz they knew that treating me how they normally do wouldn’t go down well.

I don’t know if I have what it takes to pull myself outta this depression. :sad: It just seems pointless trying cuz ah know ma life’s still gonnae be the same as it has been. Burdened with the responsibility of caring for other, making sure things get done, having to remember things, like reminder my oldest sister to pick something up or reminding my mother to take her medication. Neglecting my own needs and well-being, in the process.

Ah don’t even know if I’ll bother going to Edinburgh next year as I’d planned. Cuz my mother said she hated the fact she had the house to herself when I went up for the weekend this year. Yet, when ah did all those times she went over to Ireland when my older sister was living there, having the house to myself were the happiest weeks of my life. Seems am not allowed to enjoy anything in life. Not allowed to get away fae it aw n’ huv a wee break.

Even the idea of writing music again just makes me question if ah should even bother. Cuz it’s not going to therapeutic if I’m writing in an environment that toxic and negative. Like my current situation is. But that’s my life... always compromising. Always making other folk happier than I am. Always obligated to do. Never truly allowed time to myself.

It’s not the idea of walking away that scares me, it’s the reaction to me doing so that has me utterly terrified.

 

[Graeme1988]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EKi2E9dVY8

 

[Graeme1988]

Been feeling more depressed than usual, lately, these past few months. :sad:

I’m not getting that same sense of fulfilment from my hobbies like ah did 2 years ago, when they meant everything to me. But then reading books n’ listening to playing music hus really been my only escape fae dysfunction around me.

My mum still insists that am no just being forced to stick around from her as financial support, which is partly true cuz she wouldnae cope living wae my sisters huvin to look after her. Doesnae really change the fact that ah don’t feel as happy as I did in the early months of 2017. Or that am paying more to keep the house we live in running, and ma name’s no even on tha f*ckin’ lease ! But seems to be the only purpose I’ve hud in ma life, lookin’ after other folk at the expense o’ maself. Cuz am always made to feel like $h!% whenever ah put masel’ first. :kickingmyself:

Ah just git the same response agreeing with what I’m saying, but being dismissive of it as well. My honesty and frustration at the way things are seems to evoke laughter more than anything..

Dinnae even ken if ah’ll even bother making the usual trek to stay a few days in Edinburgh next year? Since that’s been spoiled noo... cuz, apparently, it’s unfair that ah git some time away fae it aw. Yet, everyone else can piss off somewhere for a few days n’ get a break. Never mind the fact that ah’ve no hud a proper, actual holiday since my disability started getting worse. ::

Don’t know what to do... the vibe of the house has become unwelcoming, and too toxic for me to even do anything creatively worthwhile. Ah feel like a lodger in the home that ah grew up in.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been feeling more depressed than usual, lately, these past few months. :sad:

I’m not getting that same sense of fulfilment from my hobbies like ah did 2 years ago, when they meant everything to me. But then reading books n’ listening to playing music hus really been my only escape fae dysfunction around me.

Maybe it would help to find a new hobby or passion/interest, are you in a position to try some new things that you've always wanted to try or even never thought of trying before?

 

[Graeme1988]

Maybe it would help to find a new hobby or passion/interest, are you in a position to try some new things that you've always wanted to try or even never thought of trying before?

:thinking: I haven’t done any painting or drawing in years...

Though I kinda gave that up shortly after ah left and dropped outta secondary school. Mainly due to a lack of encouragement. Plus I’d have a quite a bit to re-learn when it comes to that, could take me months to get back into it. :idontknow:

Mind you, I haven’t really wrote anything since I was a kid, either. Like short stories or fan fiction. mg:

Aside from that, my oldest sister is always pestering me to learn another musical instrument, since I already fairly competent at the guitar. Plus she still wants to teach her the bass guitar, but she hasn’t even bought the thing yet.

 

[Graeme1988]

Though ah think ah really just want some time to myself. Like mair than four f*ckin’ days at a time. :kickingmyself:
But that doesnae seem to go down well wae the rest o’ them. :thumbdown:

Mibbe if ah wus on ma own for a few days or a couple weeks I’d be happier than ah um noo? :question:

Or perhaps ah need tae refocus on making music again... then get back into making art? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

What is the point, why do I keep trying to be social with my family when they continue to treat me like crap?

Guess it’s too little too late to expect them to change now? Ah mean, ah gave them plenty o’ change in the last 2 years.

Though, that feeling or sense of not really belonging within my family has only gotten stronger over the last 12 years.

In a way it’s quite funny how I’m the yin who get it pointed to me that I’m “antisocial”. The timid, shy, easily embarrassed, reserved, introverted, fat, hairy tanned lad. Yet, whenever I dare to ask a question, I have to brace myself for the response because my mother and older sisters tend to react with some hostility towards me. But it’s me who’s inconsiderate, uncaring, ungrateful and so on... Oh, intimidating, that’s the word.

My dad used to say that talking to me was like getting blood out of a stone, he said that to me often when he’d visit occasionally in the 8 years that he was in my life. For all my awkwardness and quietness, it’s not that I never made the effort, I’m just crap at small talk. And, given that my mother and older siblings reacts to me asking them a question can unpredictable at times, I think I’m too neurotic to interact like a normal person at this point in my life.

 

[Graeme1988]

Still can't quite believe the positive response ma orginal music is getting... both fae folk on this site and over on SoundCloud. Like right fae the off, oot the gate. Ah mean, no bad fur a lad who only has a just under 2 full years writing, producing recording and mixing experience. Or a lad who got telt he would'nae amount too much by his secondary school guidance counsellor.

Joining that website wus probably the best thing ah did this year. Certainly the bravest considering how critical ah um o'ma ain music.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Or a lad who got telt he would'nae amount too much by his secondary school guidance counsellor.

I swear thats all those guidance counsellors were paid to do, tell you that you werent good enough to do anything. I got a similar douchey statement from the one I saw in high school

 

[Graeme1988]

NEVER FORGET Lockerbie falls silent to remember 270 people killed in plane bombing 30 years ago in Britain’s worst terror attack

Lockerbie bombing: 30th anniversary marked with poignant 'walk for peace' | London Evening Standard

While I, or none of my family who were impacted by the tragedy itself, never attended the any of the memorial services last week, the news coverage was better than it had been in previous years. Especially the local coverage...

Cuz for my oldest sister and I the tragedy had last memories. I was just 9 months old, yet, I still remembered my mother rushing and taking me and older sister to see our oldest sibling that night. As part of the plane wreckage landed in her back garden. My mother pushing me in the pram, sirens blaring as we all went from my sister’s place back to where my mother and I were living at the time. And my oldest sister had to stay with us for a few days.

 

[Graeme1988]

That's interesting. I don't think that I could recall anything at nine months old. Perhaps if it was something dramatic I would but I don't know if I'll know if I was 9 months old

Given the circumstances, it’s probably why I remember it. And it happened pretty late at night. But that is my only recollection, well... that and I vaguely recall my mother frantically arguing to be let beyond a police to get my oldest sister’s house at Park Place.

Then we all walked downhill from Rosebank Crescent after my mother just told the police there that, unless they were going to get the temporary accommodation for tonight, my oldest sister and her husband at the time would be staying with us. But that’s my only memories of the Lockerbie bombing.

When I was in hospital getting my orthopaedic surgery done 2 years ago, a nurse, just making small talk, asked if I was local to Dumfries. As soon as I said: “No, Lockerbie”, the air disaster was the first thing she mentioned. And followed this up by she asked if I remembered it. I said I didn’t just to avoid things getting too awkward. Since it’s hardly summit ya want to talk about when you have a relative who was indirectly affected by said tragedy.

Plus, ah did’nae wish tae see this nurse’s response to me recounting my only memories of that night a few days before Christmas. Not that I feared that she’ll think I was lying, ah just did’nae want her to know, y’know?

 

[Graeme1988]

Attending 3 concerts over the course of 2 months... no wonder I've felt so knackered lately.