Don't really feel like I'm living, I've just observing life from the sidelines to be honest. An outsider always lookin' in. Ah just feel so detached from my surroundings, like I don't belong anywhere. :idontknow:
Ah wish my life had turned out better. :sad: Nothing ever seems to pan out well for me. My mum's constantly insisting upon keeping me sheltered, discouraging from the possibility of being independent. Probably why my anxiety, depression and general ability to function are so bad. Aside from the mobility and learning issues that came from my cerebral palsy.
And my family wonders why I feel so ill at ease socially. So weird n' awkward. It's because like the whole religion thing, everything's forced upon me. And I'm just expected to be on the same level as everyone else intellectually, but I'm really not. It might seem otherwise, but I'm really not as bright as my family like to claim. Being the youngest, I was just expected to know, without having to be told when it came to imparting knowledge. Not the best parenting method, but it did make realise I could only rely upon myself.
F**k knows, how I'll cope when my mum's gone. Since I've only had few chances to see how I cope on my own. The hospital stay, my mum's occassional visits to Ireland to see my older sister. Other than, it's no great. Very controlled, restrictive, and miserable. I'm never allowed to do anything without first making sure my mum approves. Whit kinda life's that, eh? F**kin' shite! :sad:
But then, my mum doesnae want me to leave the nest. And I'm only one who hasn't got a place of my own. Since, everytime it's mentioned, reason after reason is given as to why I'd be able never cope. Never been give a proper chance, but that's besides the point. Though, my oldest sister seems to be more optimistic about my ability to survive on my own. Which isn't really saying much, like.
Stop selling myself short, huh? Well, I might if my mum stopped place so much doubt upon what I can and can't do because of my disability.
My mum still refuses to even talk about what'll happen to me when she's gone. Since she never bothered her arse to prepare for that day. And she's well into her twight year, now. My sisters will be awrite. Me, on the other hand - things are lookin' bleak, as far as the future goes. :sad:
I do know one thing, they'd be better without me around. Don't mean that in a suicidal way. I just mean in the sense of having to care for me all the time.
