Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Huv'nae heard back from that Dutch fella who messaged me via YouTube about possibly collaborating. :idontknow: Not that I'm sadden by it, it just would've been nice to collaborate with someone, y'know?

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with my family. :kickingmyself: :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ugh! Life shouldnae really be this hard. :sad:

Not that I'd want it easy, it just feels like I'm huvin tae pick up the slack for my family who are either too lazy, dumb or incapable of actually helping me. And while there's a certain amount o' pride in teachin' yersel' how to do things, it's a lot harder when you got no-one to keep ya right and make sure ye dinnae make a mistake. You've gotta rely upon yersel' n' hope yer doing right. ::

Plus, it's quite stressful and take it's toll on ye mentally after a while.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think ah'll kill masel'... :thinking: Aye, why no? :idontknow:

Considering how much shite ah huv to endure on a daily basis from this family of hypocritical, smug, two-faced, feminist f**k-nuggets. Ah mean, what else is there? It's always got tae be on their terms. Will it get better?

Ah don't think so, no unless my mum and sisters f**k off outta ma life for good. Because I can do next to nuthin', without first huv tae just ma reasons why? Like ah need their permission or summit. Naw, it's cuz they're nosy, always wantin' tae know whit's gan on. Y'know, it cause summit interestings on the go.

Ah mean, I'm living with a wummin who will'nae even let me make masel' an effin' sandwich for goodness sake. Whit da f**k is that?! :kickingsmiling:
Naw, of course, it doesnae matter that huv'nae ate since this morning. It's fine, if yer an anorexic supermodel, sure.

And, apparently, me standin' ma grun and being assertive makes me just like my dad. It's great how every supposed fault I have is somehow the fault of the very man who abandoned and shunned me for 14 years of my life.

Quite sad that the only thing ah huv any real control or influence over is the the room I occupy from the moment I wake til the moment I sleep. That and my music, which is the only thing keepin' me alive at this point. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Being forced intae livin' a miserable existence of co-dependence is a shite way to live yer life folks. Don't do it, seriously, you'll suffer for it.

Much like how being raised on religious fundamentalism or radical feminist idealogy - which to me are one in the same - does ya no good. Sorry, ah don't say that to offend anyone. It's just how ah wus raised, and it did a great deal of damage to my psyche. But I digress...

About the co-dependence thing. It's no even in that being in need of constant care as a disabled person sorta dependency. It's my family being co-depend upon me, cuz I'm the workhorse o' the family. The yin picking up the slack for them all the time. Caring for a mum and family who doesnae really give a flying f**k about me. :crying:

Cuz if ah ever left - which is summit ah desperately want to do - they'd be f**ked. Who's going to fix their laptops, buy them the lastest movies on DVD or must-read book for their birthday or Christmas? And who else can they blame for their mistakes? Not themselves, since the wimmin in ma family are incapable of taking responsibilty for their words and actions.

 

[Graeme1988]

So, not much tae report the day. Ah wus kinda hoping to write a few post about how ma year's been. But ah've been bed-ridden for much o' the day, thanks to the pain in ma lower back. :sad: It's that bad that I'm back to using ma zimmer frame. Hopefully the pain'll subside afore ma next hospital appointment comes round? raying:

Cuz ah dinnae want tae be walkin' aw hunched over for ma 6 month check-up. Y'know, since that'd give the impression the surgery has actually made me worse in the last 6 months, which couldnae be further fae the truth.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ha! Ha! Ha! Aww, it's a great laugh, innit? Let huv a joke at the expense of learning disabled, huh? Better yet, let's huv a joke at how dumb men are. Why no? It'll be a f**kin' laugh! They're f**kin' stupid b@$%@rds anyway. F**kin' men, eh? Who needs 'em?

Thanks f**kin' bunch sis! Thanks for once just what an inconsiderate, lying, two-faced c*nt you, and the batshit crazy feminist who birthed us, truly are. F**kin' cheers, like! But oh if it wus me huv a laugh at your stupidity, which they're are far more examples of than with me, naw that wouldnae be on, would it? Cuz that's sexist and misogynist. But, apparently, take the piss out how naive I am at times, that's fine.

Me doing it tae them - ooh, that's mean. Ya heartless, evil shitebag, that ye are!

Nevermind that our man-hatin' c*nt of a mother subjected me to neglect, physical and emotional abuse. F**kin' tormentin' me with all my dad's character flaws in my formative years, to the point I've became exactly like him. Which is deserved and brung onto masel' - or so she believes... Well, if ye tell yer only son he's useless f**kin' arsehole and that's he just like his dad enough time. Then that's the person he's mostly like to be like, eh? But nae danger, ya become numb to aw the verbal abuse over time. Nae harm, nae foul. She loves me, really.

Aye, ma self-esteem and self-image are pretty f**kin' poor and ah dinnae think as highly of myself as those around me do.
But, hey, that's the price ye pay for huvin really shitty parents, right? Never being good enough for 'em. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah wonder how much longer I'm gonnae huv tae endure the lies, stupidity and jokes at ma expense fae family? Every chance they get, they stick the f**kin' knife in ma back. Betrayin' ma trust n' take advantage o' the fact I'm actually a kindhearted person beneath aw the bottled up anger, rage and turmoil that dwells within me, beyond ma disability.

Nae real regards for how ah feel, either. But still I'm inconsiderate c*nt for not speaking up. Yet when ah do tell them that wus outta line, I'm somehow the wrong. Summit that's always baffled me, like, but whatever...

Ah don't know, it's a hard life when you've got naebuddy tae turn to; naebuddy to open up to, and no-one who treats ye right. And not a single person who'll see things fae your outsider perspective.

Sorry tae get so dour n' depressing as of late, just been kinda think about how people tend to treat me 9 times outta 10, and it's no great. But, for some reason, ah just tolerate it rather than cause a fuss. Ah suppose it's just how folk are with me. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know why and what I continue to live for, ah really don't. :idontknow:

Ah mean there doesnae seem much point, really. Cuz I'm too messed up as a person tae even function as a "normal" f**kin' person. Barely gettin' by as it is. And that's only cuz ah keep ma issues hidden as best ah cun.

It's hard gan huvin to hide yer ain learning disability aw the time. Since folk tend to laugh at ye and think yer dumb because of it - family included. Well, that's how it's been for me. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Urgh!! Not been in the best mood, lately.

I'm finding it harder and harder to actually trust people. Mainly because whenever I catch my family talk about me behind my back, they will immediately without hesitation lie about it. When it blantantly obvious I'm the yin they are talking about.

What does that say about them? More over, what does it say about me, that they feel the need to lie to ma face? Quite ironic, being raised by a devote Christian wummin, yet every word outta her mouth to me has been the exact opposite of what a person raised in that religion should be - honest.

But my family seem to enjoy making me feel inferior, making a fool of me. Huvin a laugh at my expense. Cuz f**k the long-term effects prolonged bullying can have on yer psyche, right? :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

My life summed up in a song, pretty much... :sad:

Off With Their Heads - Don’t Make Me Go

Please don't make me go home,
I can't handle the sight of that place again.
Please don't make me go home,
I'm wanted there even less than I'm wanted here.
And if I have to go home and say I'm sorry for things that I'm not sorry for,
I'd rather keep on destroying myself for my own needs,
Than opening the back door,
Please don't make me go.

Please don't make me go home,
They'll blame everything on me even though it's not my fault.
Please don't make me go home,
I can't handle seeing that place again.
I know they think I'm f**ked up,
And I know exactly where everybody stands.
Please don't make me go home,
Face everything that made me who I am.
Please don't make me go.
Please don't make me go​

 

[Graeme1988]

Feeling quite depressed at the moment, just kinda trying to accept the fact nothing has changed. Despite the hope I had at the beginning of the year, and promises made that my family would start treating me better. :sad:

But, nah, they've not change one bit. Still treating like I'm dumb, because my criticism is unjustified when I call them on their behaviour towards me. Which has made me question, recently, if it's worth showing them respect when they don't show me any?

Also, is it even worth working towards the goal of independent living and cut out family entirely when I don't even huv neither the life skills, confidence or education to get by in life?

 

[Graeme1988]

My older sister is pregnant again, am I an awful person for not being as excited by this news? :question: But then I don't intend on having kids of my own. So... :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

According my older sister I've been walking a lot better in the last 6 months, while I know this should be a great thing for me, I don't feel any real achievement in this, really. :idontknow:

And my mum being more praising of me, lately as well. Which is hard to take for me. Not because what she's saying isn't true, but just I'm more used to being on the receiving end of a negative remark. So ah kinda treat compliments from family with a narrow-eyed suspicion - since my family don't like to mess with me by saying something that appears genuine, but is in the fact the exact opposite.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, ah've got a possible appointment for gettin' ma tattoos done. But it'll no be til early February 2017 at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, since the fella who does them local to me isn't always open, only works 3 days a week at the tattoos.

So I might get them done here:

It's just a few miles away in Dumfries. And it's the place where I got my right eyebrow re-pierced. I'd only be getting the music notes on my fingers done. Those other tattoos I'm wanting - the tartan, St. Andrew's Cross and song lyrics - I'd prefer getting done locally. Since there's more work in those designs, than just getting music notes on yer fingers. What wae 2 out those aforementioned tats possibly being 3D.

 

[Graeme1988]

And I want to get a least one tattoo afore this year's done. Since I've had ma mind on getting them as a wee post surgery present to masel'. What with me finally overcoming ma fear of needles. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Really wish ma family would respect my right to privacy. Forcing me to talking about how I'm feeling all the time, it's really intrusive, like. And d'they really think I actually want to open up about my struggles.

Listening to go on about how isolating it is as a disabled person to go through life feeling like he doesnae belong anywhere. How ah feel ma parents never really loved me or cared about, huh? Cuz they'll just accuse me of making it up like I was at 16, when my cousin cut me outta his life. Which was pretty hard to take, since I'd always thought highly of him, felt like he was the big brother I never had, y'know? ::

Anyway, it just annoys me that because I'm not always smiling and happy all the time, my family just automatic assume I'm upset about something. When 9 times outta 10, I'm just trying to keep myself from thinking about how bleak my situation really is. Sorry, didnae mean to end on such a downer note. :sad: Just something I've noticed my family tend to do with me alot.

 

[Graeme1988]

THE LIGHTS GO DOWN ON 'WICKERMAN FESTIVAL' FOREVER | Dumfries & Galloway News

Feeling quite sad to read that this local music festival in ma area is calling it a day, as it was on ma bucket-list of music concert experiences. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Is there any point? Life just seem to be yin huge struggle for the likes o' me. :sad: Cannae seem to relate to my family, though I never could with all the mixed messages they'd give me.

Ma mum n' sisters acting immature and dumb as f**k around me yin minute, arrogant, obnoxious, loud-mouth bitches the next. Then f**kin' teasing in public whenever they catch some young lassie giving me the eye. Ah don't know...

Like yesterday, when ma sister and I went to our local Tesco supermarket cuz ah needed a new razor. We gan in, right? And there's a member of staff at one of aisles - a short, young, blonde-haired lassie. A bit on the chubby side, but no bad lookin'. Anyway, we walk passed her, ah smile and say hello. Thinking nowt of it, but then ma sister start... mg:

Oooh... did ye see that?! She wus give you the eye, there. Did she no used to gan tae secondary school with you? :shyness:​

Not that ah hate being teased or anythin', it's just the way ma siblings tend to make a big deal of things like this. Since I'm not and huv never the most confident guy yer ever likely to meet. And still quite insecure about ma appearance, which, ah know, makes me sounds total shallow. Still, it's a well change from the usual sarcasm thrown ma way when out in public with ma oldest sibling.

 

[Graeme1988]

Though, ah don't know if ma lack of confidence with wimmin steams fae tha fact of, not only being the youngest of ma family, on my mum's side. But, the fact, ah wus raised around some pretty harsh, violatile, bossy, overly-aggressive feminists? :question:

Kinda hard to be at ease around 'em when they tend to react aggressively whenever I ask a simple question.