Och aye the noo

[theslowesthand]

Ah dinnae feel like ah fit in anywhere within today's society, or society in general. :sad:

Yep, i certainly know that feeling all too well.
Join my club, friend... lol

 

[Graeme1988]

Yep, i certainly know that feeling all too well.
Join my club, friend... lol

Ah suppose ah cun take some comfort in knowin' ah'm no' the only yin who feels that way. Ah don't know... Ah just get the feelin' that I'm constantly judge no matter whit ah dae - usually negatively, anaw. :sad:

Probably should just stop moanin' aboot it. An' jist, y'know...? Be like everybuddy else.

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: :kickingmyself: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ugh! :kickingmyself: Wish this feelin' o' utter despair would jist f _ _ k right off! :sad:

People seem tae distance themselves from a lot - no' that ah blame them...

 

[Graeme1988]

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

Ye would 'hink inheriting mair than three thousand pun - which ye were entitled tae - fae yer deid faither's estate would make ye feel happy - but in ma case it doesnae really. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

So, eh, whit's tha next step an' creatin' distance fae yer dysfunctional, mad, mental family? Suggestions anybuddy?

C'mawn, dinnae be shy...

 

[Hoppy]

My sister lives in Birmingham somewhere.

If you want to move there and need some help and support I am sure she will help a bit.

 

[Graeme1988]

My sister lives in Birmingham somewhere.

If you want to move there and need some help and support I am sure she will help a bit.

:idontknow: Don't know if ah want tae move that far. Ah mean, thanks for the offer, mate. Ah'd take ye up oan it if 'hings were less complicated in terms o' ma situatuion. But the care issues surroundin' ma cerebral palsy might be an issue. Well, slightly, y'know?

That said, ah do want tae move oot an' be independent, but it's just ma family spent too many years mollycoddling - even though, ah didnae want it. Ah just accepted it an' didnae question it til ah was intae ma teens.

Ma depression came back wi' a vengence. Nae confidence in masel', ma ability or ma ain decisions. :sad: Ah didnae want it tae come tae this, but there's only some much yin person can take afore they reach their limit.

Ah didnae want this co-dependent, overprotective, miserable, rely on other folk for a 99% of ma needs, an' happiness.

Wus ah in the wrong tae finally speak ma mind...? Ah feel like a right c _ _ t. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda ironic that ma mum would always tell no' tae trust anybuddy ootside the immediate family, yet ma immediate family huv became tha very folk ah cannae trust. :sad: Ah've spent tha last 12 years or so tryin' tae fit their ideals, which battlin' through tha hell of depression, that ah don't who ah um. Feel like a right fraud, failure, even. :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Also, askin' me constantly if am awright oan a daily basis doesnae exactly help me when it comes tae overcomin' ma depression, it jist reminds that am mentally ill. Oh, an' askin' me if I'm sure everytime ah give an "Aye" or "No / naw" in response to a question does f _ _ k all fur self-confidence or self-esteem.

It's hard enough tryin' tae aquire some self-confidence withoot tha added element o' doubtin' everythin' ah say or do.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, an' another 'hing, right? Worryin' aboot me... Can ye no' f _ _ kin' pit ah stop tae that. Ah worry aboot masel' enough as it is. It's bad enough that ah worry that folk're secretly an' negatively judgin' ma appearance whenever ah go oot in public.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah'll tell ye tha yin 'hing ah hate aboot being physically disabled. It's that some people tend 'hink yer stoopid an' underestimate ye.

 

[Graeme1988]

Will ah ever be happy again...? :sad: If ah git ootae this alive will 'hings get better? Or um ah be overly optimistic cuz ah f _ _ kin' fuct up.

Is it right tae remove people fae yer life who make ye feel like shite, even if their family? Sorry, ah've been feelin' quite conflicted, lately. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah reckon ah've got 10 years left, at best. Ah just feel like givin' up. There's nae hope. Nae genuine happiness. Ah feel trapped in a miserable, manipulative family enviroment.

Everytime ah voice ma concerns or how ah feel, ah'm telt that am bein' stupid or paranoid. Or am made oot tae be tha bad yin - even when ah've done nuthin' wrong.

Ma mum recently telt me tae keep ma feelin's tae masel'. An' no' say anythin' negative aboot ma oldest sister. Just do as I'm telt. An' fake a big shit-eatin' grin an' be f _ _ kin' grateful that they love me.

Even if she and ma mum huv emotionally manipulated me, guilt-tripped an' made me feel like shite fur tha last 12 years. But it's aw ma fault, apparently. Thaim laughin' at me when ah wus feelin' depressed, ma mum tellin' me ah should just kill masel' if ah wus "really suicidal" - ah brung it oan masel'.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah really cannae take much mair uh this, just want it tae end. I am tired...

Tired of fakin' a smile
Tired of tellin' everybuddy what they want tae hear
Tired of feelin' like I'm just here tae please everybuddy else
Tired of feelin' guilty when ah say "No" or put masel' first
Tired of living

 

[theslowesthand]

Many of us on here are living in their own hopeless little private hell, so you're not alone there, mate.

The saying is "hell is other people", but i say that's just one type of hell, there are other types, other bad realities. Depression is another type of "hell" for sure. So you have both of these, which i can understand is making ya feel really miserable. But as i've been telling myself recently, when i've been bed-ridden for days on end (depression & mood issues), 'hell has both a beginning & an end'; also 'this will all pass', and 'i can & will survive this'.

I think you are just in a "rough patch" at the moment, and things can only get better, right? When you're right down, you can only go up.

Things are not all lost. There's measures you can take. Try to be your own best friend. Try to take your mind off them (family) as much as you can (maybe read books? delve into passion/hobbies?). The world is WAY bigger than just your family. Maybe watch some tv about far away places?. Also maybe see if you can find what the "lessons" you can learn from all these experiences, try to find the "good" in them (another saying: "your worst enemy is your best friend in disguise"). Use all this to learn to be more positive, more understanding, more wise, etc. You gotta try hard to "keep your spirits up" - YOU CAN DO IT!!!

 

[Graeme1988]

Many of us on here are living in their own hopeless little private hell, so you're not alone there, mate.

The saying is "hell is other people", but i say that's just one type of hell, there are other types, other bad realities. Depression is another type of "hell" for sure. So you have both of these, which i can understand is making ya feel really miserable. But as i've been telling myself recently, when i've been bed-ridden for days on end (depression & mood issues), 'hell has both a beginning & an end'; also 'this will all pass', and 'i can & will survive this'.

I think you are just in a "rough patch" at the moment, and things can only get better, right? When you're right down, you can only go up.

Aye, that's true.

Things are not all lost. There's measures you can take. Try to be your own best friend. Try to take your mind off them (family) as much as you can (maybe read books? delve into passion/hobbies?). The world is WAY bigger than just your family.

How d'ye be yer ain best friend...? Just askin' cuz ma family are always get oan ma case regardin' tha amount o' time ah spend on ma ain. They're startin' tae get concerned aboot that fact.

Maybe watch some tv about far away places?

Any recommendations on that, mate?

Also maybe see if you can find what the "lessons" you can learn from all these experiences, try to find the "good" in them (another saying: "your worst enemy is your best friend in disguise"). Use all this to learn to be more positive, more understanding, more wise, etc. You gotta try hard to "keep your spirits up" - YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Is it weird that ah dinnae really huv much concentration for stuff at the minute? Like movies, TV shows or books - like ah'll start reading a book but didnae finish it, unless ah really knuckle doon an' read it withoot too many distractions.

Also, ah don't really huv many hobbies, or not as many as ah should. Ah used love drawing an' painting when ah wus younger. But dinnae really huv tha imagination fur it.