Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

I think doing your degree is a good thing. You should continue it, because you would've then done all this study for nothing.

Is there any possible way to transfer to Wollongong University? It would save you travel time by a hell of a lot.

I wanted to do my degree at a sydney uni because they are better and will offer me an advantage in getting started in the field.

I'm taking a break today, it was too bad a start and im struggling with it, tomorrow i will try again. Thank god for two week holidays.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Im supposed to go bowling with a couple friends tonight.. well one friend and the "friend" i mentioned in a previous post.

Im not sure if i'll go, im divided on my feelings (as usual). On one hand i dont want to leave the house, on the other i actually want to catch up and go out. But then there is the fact that financially we are very tight at the moment (mainly because my partner has spend money considerably while up with her sister, which i am also guilty of when i went up there/ they came here)...

I technically have the money to do it but i'll have to put the money back on payday... part of me thinks my partner has done plenty while being up there and spent lots of money on herself/ her sister so shouldnt i get to do the same.. but then im like thats being immature and selfish and i should just deal with it.

 

[coyote]

bowling is an inexpensive activity here in the states

and the shoes are cool

 

[LoyalXenite]

bowling is an inexpensive activity here in the states

and the shoes are cool

Its relatively cheap here, bout $15 for two games i think... but i struggle to spend money on myself, i love spending money on other people but i get buyer's remorse pretty badly when i spend on myself.

 

[MikeyC]

Bowling is awesome.

 

[LoyalXenite]

i decided to go bowling. i was feeling very lonely and depressed so i thought it would be a good idea, and it was. i enjoyed it considerably so im glad i went.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Got a large list of cleaning to do today, preparing the house because tomorrow my partner and her sister come down for the weekend again.

Im glad they are coming down, i'm so pathetically lonely without my partner, but on the other hand this sunday makes it 4 weeks since this crap began. a whole month and things dont look like they are changing, at this rate i dont know if she will be here for our anniversary or my birthday next month.

I hate this, its been so long already, how much longer must i endure this!

 

[LoyalXenite]

Getting so exaughsted and i have only crossed off a couple of things on the to do list..
took me 3 hours to scrub down the rat cages, wash the rats and do the rabbit cage... Still have over 12 things to do on the cleaning section of the to do list...
and 30+ hours of things to do on the study section of the list...
Then 200+ hours on the other section...

I think i've earned a lunch break though... i need one...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Still have so much to do but i needed another break. I really think i should go to the doctors to check what sicknesses are going through me, aside from the fact that my symptoms list is crazily long, but im so exaughsted and so much slower than usual...

Still have 9 things to do in the cleaning section, the other sections are unchanged, wont be getting to them today...

 

[LoyalXenite]

about 8 hours of cleaning done... the house is wonderfully clean and smells quite fresh and clean. I ache everywhere and im utterly exaughsted. But the house is clean.

Im excited to see my partner tomorrow, but at the same time im so frustrated and resentful that this has gone on so long, that it still isnt ending any time soon. Im so overwhelmed with everything i have to do still, having the house clean is a huge load off but there is still a large about of stuff to do.

Also our youngest kitten gets neutered tomorrow...

 

[LoyalXenite]

so incredibly pissed off.

I was supposed to get a lift to the vet (because it takes so long via public transport and i cant trust my kitten to stay quiet and hidden for that long) then about 10 minutes before im due to be picked up. The bitch who was supposed to take me (my mother) cancelled on me. leaving it too late for me to get there via the train and too late for me to find someone else because no one appears to be awake.

I called the vet trying to move it forward an hour because thats the earliest i could get there but they said if i couldnt get there by 9am i couldnt have the appointment today.

I dont know when i'll be able to get him up there because im so behind on uni work. im so stressed out now, it was a horrible way to start the day and now im angry, stressed, miserable and have to try and find another way to get my kitten desexed at the vet because i just dont know when i can get there.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling very depressed and anxious despite the fact that my partner and her sister are here.

Found out today that my partner will likely not be home until her sister moves here, just like i thought, and i have no idea how long that will take. Which means i will only see her on weekends indefinitely, and always with the sister, which i dont mind but i want some alone time with my partner .

also not this weekend but the following is our anniversary, and i wont even get to spend that alone with her then the next weekend is my birthday which i also don get alone with her...

So depressed and miserable..

Its too much.
Its not fair.

 

[LoyalXenite]

i dont know how to keep doing this. Its too hard to keep going.


they leave tomorrow (and i suspect that again my partner will be sharing the bed with her sister and not me, i cant help but feel like my feelings dont matter, my needs arent important, it hurts so much), and I have so much uni work to do this week and i just cant concentrate on any of it. I cant bring myself to do anything. its taking everything i have not to break down while they are here.

Ever since i realised how close my birthday was things just got so much heavier... my birthdays have never been a source of happiness, only pain and anger and misery...
The birthday last year was the best i'd ever had because of my partner but it still sucked..

Now i have to face this one with a mask..

I cant help but wonder if my father will bother to contact me. I doubt it.. i havent heard from him since last year (a month late for my birthday). he hates that im gay, he didnt care until he realised it was a serious commitment... then he hated me, there has been issues since and no contact for almost a year. I dont know why i want his love so badly. He was never a decent father, he was abusive and violent to my mother, who was abusive and violent to me. He left and barely bothered to contact me.. i was supposed to go to his house for one weekend a month and he often cancelled... He was on drugs and just a useless father figure, but i overlooked it all as a kid.. i just wanted him to love me and i thought he did.. now i see him for what he is, but still the child in me cries for my father.

 

[LoyalXenite]

My partner and her sister are gone again.

And i am left here, alone... miserable and drained.

This is breaking me into so many pieces, i cant keep doing this.

 

[MikeyC]

I cant help but wonder if my father will bother to contact me. I doubt it.. i havent heard from him since last year (a month late for my birthday). he hates that im gay, he didnt care until he realised it was a serious commitment... then he hated me, there has been issues since and no contact for almost a year. I dont know why i want his love so badly. He was never a decent father, he was abusive and violent to my mother, who was abusive and violent to me. He left and barely bothered to contact me.. i was supposed to go to his house for one weekend a month and he often cancelled... He was on drugs and just a useless father figure, but i overlooked it all as a kid.. i just wanted him to love me and i thought he did.. now i see him for what he is, but still the child in me cries for my father.

What an ass. You're better off not having him in your life.

 

[LoyalXenite]

What an ***. You're better off not having him in your life.

Logically i do know this, but at the same time i want him to be a father to me for once, i want him to care. I just feel like if both my parents hate me then i must be a pretty crap person. If just one of them loved me then i wouldn't feel as worthless. I don't want my mother's love, she was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up. I know my father was not an appropriate father to me either, but he at least wasn't physically abusive to me, he used to buy me very expensive presents at Christmas and birthdays so i was able to delude myself into thinking he loved me.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Tried to be good today, i caught up on two of my classes (not including the assignments). I now have two more classes to catch up on, plus 5 assignments to do.. which is a minimum of 30 hours of study...
Also very disappointed in myself, got the results (finally) from a previous assignment, i only got 66%, i know im not working at my best level because of my issues getting worse but i didnt realise just how badly i was doing, this has been quite a crushing blow.

I also managed to go to the shops today, i found out today that i got approved for a financial aid scholarship so i will get money at the start of each semester for the next four years to help financially, textbooks and such. So i had to post my acceptance letter, i was proud of myself for going out and doing it and going to the store as well.

I had been feeling rather confident with how well i was doing today, until i saw that i hadnt gotten as far as i thought in my studies, only reached about halfway done. Then seeing my poor mark on the philosophy essay. Im feeling quite hopeless and angry.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Poor start to the day today, had nightmares all night. which left me waking up very shaken and emotional. decided to have a break and try and do some impractical things to get control over myself and my emotions before i attempt to start studying.

 

[LoyalXenite]

The horrible moment when you've spent 4 hours getting information and writing an essay to realise you have only written 260 words...
FML.. only got 2 essays to write, then 2 reflective essays, 2 group projects, about 15 hours of lectures, about 5 hours of readings and 3 hours of forums to do... most of which are due early next week...
Then if i have time maybe some cleaning... and then dinner >.<



I suppose it doesnt help either that i wasted the last 5 minutes making various dinosaur like sounds at my cats...

 

[BlueDays]

The horrible moment when you've spent 4 hours getting information and writing an essay to realise you have only written 260 words...
FML.. only got 2 essays to write, then 2 reflective essays, 2 group projects, about 15 hours of lectures, about 5 hours of readings and 3 hours of forums to do... most of which are due early next week...
Then if i have time maybe some cleaning... and then dinner >.<



I suppose it doesnt help either that i wasted the last 5 minutes making various dinosaur like sounds at my cats...

Well they have done studies to prove that petting, talking and playing with a pet can actually significantly reduce your stress levels. So the last 5 minutes you spent with your cat were actually beneficial to you, and will probably help you to better cope with all of the work you have to do.:thumbup: