Loyal's Thoughts

[EscapeArtist]

wow, i can relate to a lot of what you say and a lot of what life is handing you. This seems like a good way to get a lot of heavy emotions out, and i'm glad you're writing.I hope you feel better, there is hope around the corner of sleep that a spark of motivation will come, if nothing else.I'll be listening

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry, Loyal. I don't really know what to say. You can get through this, though. Hugs to you.

 

[LoyalXenite]

wow, i can relate to a lot of what you say and a lot of what life is handing you. This seems like a good way to get a lot of heavy emotions out, and i'm glad you're writing.I hope you feel better, there is hope around the corner of sleep that a spark of motivation will come, if nothing else.I'll be listening

Thats what i love about this site, i may have only recently joined it, but for once there is somewhere i seem to fit in

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm sorry, Loyal. I don't really know what to say. You can get through this, though. Hugs to you.

Thanks
I wish i was as sure as you are that i can get through this

 

[LoyalXenite]

I finally heard from my partner, she hadnt texted because the sister (apparently) broke up with the abusive boyfriend and so was busy. She seems confident that they will be coming down tomorrow.

I've debated staying somewhere else while they are here. While i would love to see my partner im not up to handling being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I hate that my only sanctuary is being invaded. I want to see my partner so badly but not under these circumstances. Not when i cant be myself around her, not when i'll be judged.

Im not sure if that would make my partner mad though. But im strongly considering it, maybe staying at my uncle's place.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Like things cant get any worse.
Just found out that her sister will either sleep in our room or my partner will sleep with her in the other room!
I wont get a moment alone with my partner with her homophobic sister here anyway, now i dont even get the nights with her. It just keeps getting worse.

God i'd rather they didnt come, it would be easier to suffer the way i have been than to have this additional torment. to have her here but not be able to be together, to have my only sanctuary invaded.
It really ****ing sucks

 

[LoyalXenite]

This is so unfair.

I cant do this anymore. Its just too much

its all ****ing bull****

 

[LoyalXenite]

i hate that im wasting my day cleaning the house for a person who is going to look down on it all anyway and who hates me.

Strongly think i should disappear for the weekend. Trying to think of a way to avoid it without making my partner mad.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well i managed to make things worse.

My partner called to say that her younger sister had her phone and thats why she hadnt texted me, i hadnt questioned it because she barely texts me anymore anyway.
She told me that she would have to sleep with her sister. i knew it would be like that so i'd borrowed a double air mattress anyway.
And i told her i might go stay at my uncles for the weekend because its too hard to have her here but not be able to be myself around her or share a bed with her.
She didnt understand it, she did to a degree but thought that i wasnt seeing things clearly and that she was coming to see me not just give her sister a break. So i tried to point out that she wont be here to see me because she will be with her sister the entire time. even through the freaking night.
So she got mad at me and told me to do what i wanted (in other words she is not happy with me).

Now i really dont know what to do
i just ****ed it up more and not only do i have all the other **** to endure but i have my partner mad at me on top of it all.

Strongly considering just ****ing everything off and throwing myself in front of a train. Im that sick of dealing with all this bull****.
I wont do it. But god i want to

 

[MikeyC]

Tell your partner, in no uncertain terms, that her sister hates you and it makes you uncomfortable for her to be there. She will hopefully understand.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I did. And my partner said i should understand that because her sister was in an abusive relationship that it wasnt her fault and not entirely how she feels.

 

[MikeyC]

It sucks that she was in an abusive relationship, but I don't particularly buy that. She should still understand, and it's not about the relationship itself - it's about her homophobic viewpoint. I'm not sure what you can do here. Either way it's bad.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Yeah i dont deny that having her abusive boyfriend in her ear made it worse. but he didnt create the homophobia or the dislike of me, he may have increased it but it stemmed from her

 

[MikeyC]

Exactly. That's her own mind. Shouldn't she be hating her own sister, then? Or is it only who she chooses to hate?

I'm sorry you're going through this. If I was in your shoes, I would go to your uncle's place and stay there. Your partner is not going to be supportive of that, but I don't see what other choice you have if you're not going to be able to spend any quality time with her.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Thats what i think too, but i know if i go my partner will get very mad and i worry that she will leave me.

 

[MikeyC]

If she leaves you because of this one incident, then that's quite lame. When her sister leaves, then maybe you can both talk about it in more privacy and work out the differences instead of this knee-jerk reaction.

 

[LoyalXenite]

she is going back up there when her sister leaves. I still dont know when she will be home properly. If at all.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Still have to clean the bathroom, sweep and mop the floors and clean the study where my partner will be sleeping with her sister :kickingmyself:

Hate how much effort im going to when my partner is now so mad at me, wasting all this time and effort cleaning the house for someone who hates me to come in and make it uncomfortable.

I'll decide whether to go elsewhere for the weekend once they are here and i can judge my partner's mood better. Also once i've seen how uncomfortable and painful and awkward it will be.

 

[LoyalXenite]

bloody hell!
MY partner just called to ask whether i was staying for the weekend or not, i told her i would wait and judge how it feels once they were here. I apologized and said its just hard and it hurt that she wouldn't be sharing a bed with me. She didnt say anything to that, so clearly she is still mad. I said that i loved her and she said goodbye and hung up.

She is so mad at me and i really think she is going to break up with me over this.

 

[LoyalXenite]

She just called again to see if i wanted to go to her other sisters with them for dinner. that ended up escalating into her telling me that im not being supportive of her. im not there for her emotionally that i am makign this so much harder for her and that i always make my issues more important than hers. that im blaming her, which im not but apparently the way im saying how i feel comes accross to her like im blaming her and not supporting her. when im trying so ****ing hard to be supportive.
i dont mean to do that, i try so hard to be supportive of her. She hates that i cry so easily so whenever something is happening i tend to cry and she feels that she cant open up to me and cant let out her own emotions.
She is thinking that this isnt working, in other words is going to break up with me. I knew this would happen, as soon as i knew that she was going to support her younger sister indefinately i knew this would happen, that she would end up breaking up with me!

I tried again to tell her i loved her.
She said she cant say it back.

My heart is broken. I am so devastated. i dont know how to go on.
I cant fix this
i tried to tell her i would be better and i would watch what i say so that what i actually mean comes accross.
But she said i cant fix it.
God she is leaving me.
I dont know what to do