Loyal's Thoughts

[BlueDays]

.. He was never a decent father, he was abusive and violent to my mother...

...She was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up...

...I just feel like if both my parents hate me then i must be a pretty crap person. If just one of them loved me then i wouldn't feel as worthless.

From all of the information you have given about your parents behaviour, I don't think you need to judge your worth as a person, by the fact that these two people did not love you.

 

[hidwell]

From all of the information you have given about your parents behaviour, I don't think you need to judge your worth as a person, by the fact that these two people did not love you.

Whilst this may be true Blue, putting those thoughts into practice is another story altogether.

 

[MikeyC]

From all of the information you have given about your parents behaviour, I don't think you need to judge your worth as a person, by the fact that these two people did not love you.

Unfortunately, parents are the only role models we have growing up, so it's difficult to let go, although I do know you're very right.

 

[BlueDays]

Whilst this may be true Blue, putting those thoughts into practice is another story altogether.

Unfortunately, parents are the only role models we have growing up, so it's difficult to let go, although I do know you're very right.

Yes, I know what you are both saying, but as an adult you can look at things from a different perspective then when you where a child.
For example, I felt rejected by my father too, when I was young. However as an adult, I came to realize that his alcoholism prevented him from being able to love me etc.

 

[MikeyC]

Yes, I know what you are both saying, but as an adult you can look at things from a different perspective then when you where a child.
For example, I felt rejected by my father too, when I was young. However as an adult, I came to realize that his alcoholism prevented him from being able to love me etc.

Not all people can come to that conclusion, even if alcoholism did impair their love. I'm happy that you've gotten peace on that, though.

 

[LoyalXenite]

So very frustated with this damned essay. Its 1am, i've been working on it for over 12 hours and im getting nowhere, i've written 890 out of the 1250 words, but im struggling to find decent information, to really understand the essay question and im REALLY struggling to stretch out my answers. I think i''ve answered the question to the best of my ability but i need more words and just dont know how to fluff it up.

I need to get it finished tonight because i have so much other stuff to do and i've wasted this whole day on it and thought i would have finished by now.

 

[LoyalXenite]

From all of the information you have given about your parents behaviour, I don't think you need to judge your worth as a person, by the fact that these two people did not love you.

Logically i know that you're right, but im too emotional to think logically properly. Its just one of the many things i struggle to actually accept even though i know my views are distorted.

 

[LoyalXenite]

it is now 5.16 am.
I finished my essay, then it took almost an hour and a half for it to successfully submit!.

My partner is supposed to come down tomorrow to spend the night, just the two of us. I hope it happens but i dont know if it will or not. But i have to tidy the house somewhat on the off chance she arrives, that plus all the other assignments and uni work i need to do has made me decide that going to sleep tonight is pointless. At this point if i fell asleep now, (well i'd need to shower first so by the time i got to sleep it would be closer to 5.40am) i would get less than 3 hours sleep before my alarm goes off so i can clean the house before my partner arrives.

Im debating whether its worth trying to get 3 hours of sleep, or to forgo those three hours and just work on some study until my cleaning wont disturb the landlord (who lives above us)

 

[LoyalXenite]

ended up falling asleep so i got about 2.5 hours of sleep before i had to wake up. Now to try and fit in as much cleaning and study before my partner comes home. Hopefully if i get enough done i will be able to go up with her tomorrow night and spend the night with her here then come down with her and her younger sister.
Only problem is im just so damned tired and unfocused that getting anything done is quite a chore.. managed to get the cat litters and the dishes done...
only gotta bring in and fold a few loads of washing, do and put out some other loads, clean the cages, take out the trash, then hopefully finish another assignment. Thats my goal for before my partner comes home, as usual i have about a million other things to do on top of all that but if i can complete that small list then i will be happy with what i've done and be able to be with my partner tomorrow night

 

[LoyalXenite]

Thought i would quickly pop on while my partner is napping.

I am feeling slightly rejected right now, not because my partner is napping but because i told her i thought i was able to come up with her tomorrow night, it means i work hard next week to finish all my uni stuff but i can do it. She said she thinks i should not come and i should devote the time to uni work, and when they come down on the weekend i should not hang out with them but do uni work. I know she is saying that because she cares and wants me to catch up on uni stuff.. but i cant help feeling like she doesnt want me around.

I feel quite unwanted and rejected.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well i did manage to go up with her, i did some uni work while she napped so she let me go up with her, then her and her sister spend the weekend here.
They have just left, i have a lot of cleaning and study to do (as always) so im trying not to fall apart. But im struggling.

It gets harder every time,i feel so trapped and lost and lonely. I feel as though i've broken into a thousand tiny pieces that have lost their will to hold together. My chest has a hollow ache deep inside that hurts so much its hard to breathe.

I did have a lovely time while they were here, but this loneliness is too hard. The responsibilities are too much for me. im trying to focus on what needs to be done but i cant concentrate, i cant hold on to all the pieces of me much longer...

 

[MikeyC]

Loyal, I'm noticing a trend in your posts:

I cant take much more of this... its too much, too long now...

I cant do this, i just cant handle this much more... im falling apart.

Things are too much for me to handle on my own

Things are just too much for me right now.

And all those quotes are only from page 8. If the forum allowed more than 4 quotes per post, I could post more.

Yet here you are, still standing.

I think you are more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for.

 

[MikeyC]

Its too much.

i dont know how to keep doing this. Its too hard to keep going.

This is breaking me into so many pieces, i cant keep doing this.

i cant hold on to all the pieces of me much longer...

And more. You keep saying you can't hold on, but holding on you are. Give yourself due credit!

 

[LoyalXenite]

And more. You keep saying you can't hold on, but holding on you are. Give yourself due credit!

I am holding on, but i dont feel like i can keep on holding on until this ends, it just keeps dragging on and on and its just got no end in sight, so i guess im just too overwhelmed.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Loyal, I'm noticing a trend in your posts:

And all those quotes are only from page 8. If the forum allowed more than 4 quotes per post, I could post more.

Yet here you are, still standing.

I think you are more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for.

I didnt realise i repeat myself so much :shyness:

 

[LoyalXenite]

God. Today is just not my day.. The damned Internet is down so I cannot study or work on my assignment, which is due the day after tomorrow and I haven't even looked at the essay question! I wasted an hour on the phone to telstra, they can't fix it today (big suprise) but will send out a technician tomorrow, so I will have one day to get my assignment done! So I decide to set up my new (but secondhand) tv (that I got yesterday as a very late Christmas present from my mother) only to find it is locked with a password, wasted an hour trying to guess the password with no success. Also was woken up this morning by the damn landlord mowing outside my window!! FML! On the bright side I get plenty of time to clean well on the real bright side after cleaning I can spend the rest of my day playing a new video game I got. My partner's sister bought me fable the journey for an early birthday present

 

[LoyalXenite]

Finally got the internet fixed this morning, and managed to write the essay, around loads of washing... its almost 10pm too. At this rate i can fit in more cleaning, lie there for a bit hating how little time there is in a day, shower and get up at 5.30am to spend 3 hours travelling to uni for pointless tutorials which waste entire days that could be spent catching up on all the uni crap i still have to do. Also now that the holidays are over i have more lessons and assignments getting added to the list so instead of shrinking its growing.

But still.. managed to finish one of the essays in only 10 hours...

Trying to work up the effort to tackle the HUUUGE pile of folding that needs doing...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well managed to do that huge pile of folding, the dishes and shower...
Now to try and get some sleep before i get up in less than 6 hours for uni, decided everything else can wait, i need some sleep.

My partner is supposed to come down tomorrow for two nights, just me and her, plus she says she will be here for the weekend, just us two on the sunday night too (for our anniversary). I dont know how likely it is to happen but im very hopeful. to have 3 out of 4 nights alone with her, to have 4 nights with her anyway, its going to be great if it actually happens. Im ridiculously hopeful for it.
She also said next weekend on the night of my birthday it will be just us two, im really hoping for that too...

 

[LoyalXenite]

i hate mornings..
its 5.50am and i just want to sleep

 

[MikeyC]

I get up at 3:45am for work, Loyal, so I understand your weary pain.