Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

Partner's gone away for a couple days to visit her younger brother, and because the dog cant go on the train I'm at home alone. Again.

Its ok though, I have so much housework that between trying to sleep away this sickness and cleaning that she'll be back in no time.

I'm torn whether I should try and sleep tonight or not. its 7:20 am and I haven't slept yet, but If I do sleep now I might not wake until late this arvo/evening and then I have limited time that I can use the water before the landlord has a hissy fit. But on the other hand there is a lot of cleaning to do today and tomorrow and I'm sick and should get some rest.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Didnt sleep last night, but I managed to nap for about 4 hours during the day today. Had to force myself to get up so I could clean the tanks while I could still use the water.

Still have to dust, clean the bathroom, change the sheets, clean the cat bowls, clean the cat litter, take out trash, sweep and mop. If the weather gets better then I have to bring in the washing and wash the dog.

Partner gets home tomorrow night and I really want the cleaning to be done by then. Just gotta find motivation and energy, especially to do the things that need water before 9pm.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling miserable and lonely tonight.

Not quite sure what to do with myself, its almost 6am and I havent slept as usual.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Wicked Ends In One Week.
I need to make a friend within a week to go see Wicked with.

On another note. 1.20pm and still no sleep.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Wicked is only on for a few more days. I really wish I didnt have such bad anxiety and that I could just go by myself and see the show.

I really hate how much the anxiety and agoraphobia limits me!!

 

[LoyalXenite]

I actually got to go see Wicked, I went with my partners sister. It was hard at first, leaving the house and being away from my dog for so long. But I ended up enjoying it, the show was great.

Im trying to get back in touch with things I used to love, like drawing and writing. Its pretty difficult because I never felt like I was very good at drawing, and being so far out of practice my drawing is appalling. Trying to just remember that its been a long time and I just need practice. But its hard, im always my worst critic.

 

[Graeme1988]

I actually got to go see Wicked, I went with my partners sister. It was hard at first, leaving the house and being away from my dog for so long. But I ended up enjoying it, the show was great.

I can relate there, Loyal. Ah used tae hate being away from ma house as well, But ah find that once yer there, and the show starts, yer anxiety about being away from home tends to go away.

Anyway, glad to hear you found someone to go with and enjoyed Wicked.

Im trying to get back in touch with things I used to love, like drawing and writing. Its pretty difficult because I never felt like I was very good at drawing, and being so far out of practice my drawing is appalling. Trying to just remember that its been a long time and I just need practice. But its hard, im always my worst critic.

Same here. Ah need tae start drawing and writing again, used to do it all the time when ah was younger. Oh! And playing the guitar. Though, like you, ah also felt like ah wasn't that good at drawing - or playing the guitar. But then ah would always compare ma own abilities to someone else. Which is a really bad idea and a knock for yer confidence. :sad:

Ah know being outta practice with something ah used to love doing has made it really difficult for me getting back intae it. But once you push past those intital feelin' o' doubt, ye tend to remember why ye loved doing something creative in tha first place.

So, ma advice would be go - for it, darlin'. Remember yer doing summit that makes you happy an' then just get wired intae it. Awright, ah'll leave it at that, afore ah start ramblin' on. :bigsmile:

 

[LoyalXenite]

I can relate there, Loyal. Ah used tae hate being away from ma house as well, But ah find that once yer there, and the show starts, yer anxiety about being away from home tends to go away.

Anyway, glad to hear you found someone to go with and enjoyed Wicked.



Same here. Ah need tae start drawing and writing again, used to do it all the time when ah was younger. Oh! And playing the guitar. Though, like you, ah also felt like ah wasn't that good at drawing - or playing the guitar. But then ah would always compare ma own abilities to someone else. Which is a really bad idea and a knock for yer confidence. :sad:

Ah know being outta practice with something ah used to love doing has made it really difficult for me getting back intae it. But once you push past those intital feelin' o' doubt, ye tend to remember why ye loved doing something creative in tha first place.

So, ma advice would be go - for it, darlin'. Remember yer doing summit that makes you happy an' then just get wired intae it. Awright, ah'll leave it at that, afore ah start ramblin' on. :bigsmile:

I wish I'd come onto here earlier in the past two weeks, seeing your posts always makes me smile, I love how you write your accent!

Generally I agree with you, once the show started I was mostly fine, its the same when we visit my partner's sisters place. Im happier and more comfortable at their place. Probably because I dont have to worry about the spiders and the horrible neighbours. But going anywhere else is usually hard all the way through, I hate the stress stomach aches.

I tried learning the guitar a few years ago but it was a cheap one off ebay and the strings all broke and finding the money to replace them made it difficult and I ended up getting rid of the guitar. It never sounded nice anyway.

My first attempt at getting back into drawing was difficult and I got very frustrated, but Im going to try again, Im trying to work on being nicer to myself. Being nice to myself doesnt come easily to me though. I've lost interest in so many things that I used to love and Im just miserable all the time, so I think its really important that I force myself into finding a passion again.

and you're always welcome to ramble in my posts!

 

[LoyalXenite]

Had an absolutely horrible night last night. The landlord complained about there being a dog poop in the backyard (he lives above us and we share the backyard). I asked him where it was, and when I tried to explain to him that I didnt know there was one, he very loudly and aggressively said to me "dont give me ****ing excuses". After picking up the poop I retreated to my place and contacted my partner (He always goes off at me when my partner isnt home) when she got home she tried to have a talk with him, by that point he was very drunk (he drinks a lot) and he just went off said that we were lazy because we are just uni students and arent working, said I belonged in a nuthouse, all sorts of horrible things. Once it was over we ended up staying the night at my partner's sister's house.

We have yet to speak to the landlord again, but I've had horrible stomach aches from stress since it happened and am highly anxious.

It is so uncomfortable living here. It used to be ok, he was always nice to us, until he got sick over a year ago, once he got back from the hospital he was different, and a few times has had a go at me (but only when he is drunk and only when my partner is away). I hate feeling so powerless, I cant yell back at him coz he is our landlord, so I just get incredibly anxious, I even burst into tears and hid in the room when my partner was talking to him outside our door.

 

[Graeme1988]

I wish I'd come onto here earlier in the past two weeks, seeing your posts always makes me smile, I love how you write your accent!

Generally I agree with you, once the show started I was mostly fine, its the same when we visit my partner's sisters place. Im happier and more comfortable at their place. Probably because I dont have to worry about the spiders and the horrible neighbours. But going anywhere else is usually hard all the way through, I hate the stress stomach aches.

I tried learning the guitar a few years ago but it was a cheap one off ebay and the strings all broke and finding the money to replace them made it difficult and I ended up getting rid of the guitar. It never sounded nice anyway.

My first attempt at getting back into drawing was difficult and I got very frustrated, but Im going to try again, Im trying to work on being nicer to myself. Being nice to myself doesnt come easily to me though. I've lost interest in so many things that I used to love and Im just miserable all the time, so I think its really important that I force myself into finding a passion again.

and you're always welcome to ramble in my posts!

Thanks for tha compliment an' permission tae ramble on... :bigsmile: :thumbup: Glad to hear ma posts on here make ye smile. At least me writin' in ma belter o' an accent hus some postive affect aroon here.

Ah think ah need tae forced masel' back intae findin' ma passion for ma interests again as well. It's hard tae fin that interest in summit ye used like again if ye lost interest in it. Ah mean, it's no' impossible, jist reawakenin' that passion can take a lotta effort an' searchin'.

By tha way, if yer every gonnae take up tha guitar again, buy a reasonably price yin if yer startin' out. But make sure you go with a good well-known guitar manufacturer because do start out kits. Basically, dae a wee bit o' research afore ye buy an' invest time intae learning an instrument. That way ye dinnae feel like ye wasted yer money.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well I'm back again. I had so much going on that I just kept delaying coming back here.

So much has happened. We have since moved from where we were living. A couple days after my last post the house next door went up in flames. We strongly believe it was our alcoholic landlord who lit it as he ad threatened us just hours before it and he was enjoying the fact that the place was up in huge flames. We left a few days later, and stayed with my partners sister until we could finally move to where we are living now.

The move out here was a mostly positive one, we got more pets, we started an animal studies course, I became a Foster carer for a couple animal rescues. Everything was going well.

Things started to take a bad turn after one of the dogs I was fostering killed on of our kittens, we managed to rehome her. Then our dog killed another of our kittens, she had learnt the behavior from that other foster dog. We had to take a break from fostering and so moved all our fosters to another person. Who since turned out to be a major scam artist and stole two of our expensive cat carriers, attempted to assault us when we tried to ask for them back and threatened to get a gun out on me.

On top of dealing with all that, my nan died as well and I couldn't make it to the funeral.

Not to mention two of our dogs got into a bad fight and I got my hand badly cut open, my partner got her fingers cut open. We ended up in hospital for a couple days. While we were in there our house was broken into and robbed. So many of our things were stolen. My wound went septic and I ended up back in hospital for an extra week.

Then a few days later my partner goes away for like a week and a half coz her sister is very pregnant. She had a little boy. My partner is due to come back tomorrow.

Needless to say this is a very brief summary, but I have been so overwhelmed and drained by it all its all I can do.

 

[BlueDays]

^ Wow, everything going wrong all at once is not even enough to describe all that you have been through, LoyalXenite! I am lost for words.
I hope that things calm down for you soon and you get a break from bad things happening in your life for at least a while.

Oh, and welcome back.

 

[LoyalXenite]

^ Wow, everything going wrong all at once is not even enough to describe all that you have been through, LoyalXenite! I am lost for words.
I hope that things calm down for you soon and you get a break from bad things happening in your life for at least a while.

Oh, and welcome back.

Thanks Blue, yeah I just need a break from it all. Just a little time without things going wrong. Time to focus on getting myself mentally, emotionally and physically healthier

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm feeling insanely frustrated at the moment. My partner is snarky and distant 99.9% of the time. I know that everything that has happened has taken a hell of a toll on her as well as our relationship. But I'm sick of being ignored or snapped at. She only just got back on Monday from being away for a week and a half or so. I had hoped that she would at least be a bit nicer considering she hasn't seen me and barely spoken to me in that time.

Would just be nice to feel like someone gave a damn about me and wanted to be around me. Its so much harder to cope with my computer, iPods and 360 having been stolen. They were my comfort items and helped hold my head together. Without them I can feel myself losing control

 

[LoyalXenite]

Well I had an absolutely horrible afternoon. I come home from tafe to see my partners mothers car there. With a trailer. Full of her stuff. I go inside and ask her mother whats going on, she says my partner is breaking up with me.

I try to talk to her but it was too much. She left me because she can't stay in the house that was broken. She can't stay in the house with our dog, my dog, because its too much stress. Apparently it had nothing to do with us. But nonetheless. She left me. Alone. In a town where I barely know anyone. In a house that was broken into.

I'm terrified and alone. And scared

 

[LoyalXenite]

I have never lived alone before. Let alone living alone so far away from everything I knew.
I'm terrified. I feel like I can't breathe

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Well I had an absolutely horrible afternoon. I come home from tafe to see my partners mothers car there. With a trailer. Full of her stuff. I go inside and ask her mother whats going on, she says my partner is breaking up with me.

I try to talk to her but it was too much. She left me because she can't stay in the house that was broken. She can't stay in the house with our dog, my dog, because its too much stress. Apparently it had nothing to do with us. But nonetheless. She left me. Alone. In a town where I barely know anyone. In a house that was broken into.

I'm terrified and alone. And scared

I'm truly sorry to hear about this. What a rotten way for things to end. :sad:

It's easy to become overwhelmed at times like this. Not only do you have to contend with the pain of being jilted by your partner, but also the practical necessities of being made to live on your own so abruptly. I would suggest that you try to set the pain aside for now—no easy task, I know—and focus as much as possible on the other issues. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, and give your situation a good, hard, rational think.

What do you need? What are your options? What are your strengths and other assets? Make a list; write it all down.

First of all, are you safe where you are? I know you're scared, but do you believe you are actually in danger? If you feel that your home is insecure, are there steps you can take to remedy that? Have you discussed the issue with your landlord, if you have one?

Do you have enough money to stay where you are and to meet other basic needs for yourself and your pets? If not, is there anyone you can turn to for help? Friends? Family? Someone at school?

Just a few thoughts to get you started, and I do sincerely hope it helps. I know it's hard to think clearly at times like this, but focusing on the mundane particulars of life is one of the best ways to temporarily check the pain of heartbreak and the kind of fear you're experiencing. You'll have to deal with your feelings in time—and they'll pop up frequently to remind you of the fact—but for now, take care of now.

And please, take care of yourself. The worst thing you can do is curl up in a ball and do nothing. That only leads to more nothing, and the more nothing you do, the more nothing you become. You deserve better. Do what you need to do to take care of you and I have no doubt you'll get through this in one piece. :thumbup:

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm truly sorry to hear about this. What a rotten way for things to end. :sad:

It's easy to become overwhelmed at times like this. Not only do you have to contend with the pain of being jilted by your partner, but also the practical necessities of being made to live on your own so abruptly. I would suggest that you try to set the pain aside for now—no easy task, I know—and focus as much as possible on the other issues. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, and give your situation a good, hard, rational think.

What do you need? What are your options? What are your strengths and other assets? Make a list; write it all down.

First of all, are you safe where you are? I know you're scared, but do you believe you are actually in danger? If you feel that your home is insecure, are there steps you can take to remedy that? Have you discussed the issue with your landlord, if you have one?

Do you have enough money to stay where you are and to meet other basic needs for yourself and your pets? If not, is there anyone you can turn to for help? Friends? Family? Someone at school?

Just a few thoughts to get you started, and I do sincerely hope it helps. I know it's hard to think clearly at times like this, but focusing on the mundane particulars of life is one of the best ways to temporarily check the pain of heartbreak and the kind of fear you're experiencing. You'll have to deal with your feelings in time—and they'll pop up frequently to remind you of the fact—but for now, take care of now.

And please, take care of yourself. The worst thing you can do is curl up in a ball and do nothing. That only leads to more nothing, and the more nothing you do, the more nothing you become. You deserve better. Do what you need to do to take care of you and I have no doubt you'll get through this in one piece. :thumbup:

Thanks graybeard. What you have suggested is what I'm trying to do. At the moment my focus is to get the house clean and functioning again.

I am in government housing in a dodgy area so I'm not living in a safe place. But I don't have any options at the moment. I bought a cricket bat and I have dogs to protect me.

I'm focusing next on finishing my course, I have only 5 weeks left and its the course I need to work in the RSPCA.

After that I will be assessing what my options are and what I need and want.

I'm trying to do the whole one day at a time, focus on the most important things first. Its hard and I feel like I can't breathe most of the day. My body wants me to either throw up or collapse and not do anything but I'm trying to force myself to do what needs to be done first.. I'm trying not to think of the break up because I understand she needs to take care of her mental health and get herself in a better emotional and mental state. What hurts the most is how she did it. I'm so angry and hurt by how she did it that I don't have the capacity to deal with the rest of the emotions i have under the surface at the moment.

 

[Nanita]

I'm sorry that so much rough stuff has happened to you recently

 

[LoyalXenite]

I'm sorry that so much rough stuff has happened to you recently

Thanks Nanita


Today im really struggling. I feel so weighed down by everything. Im sick of fighting for everything. Why cant things just work out for me. Just once is all i ask