Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

A month later and things are still sitting in the same sort of place.

On the flip side, we are looking at moving town after our lease ends, getting out of this crappy property would be great. No more abusive neighbours, no more alcoholic landlord who regularly gets shitty at us for no reason and wont repair the place, no more house that floods and ruins all my things. I do look forward to getting out.

Im hoping it will be a nice fresh start for us, Im going to try and work at the RSPCA or a similar place while doing an animal care course, because at the end of the day I need to do what makes me happy and animals and helping them is what makes me happy.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling quite low tonight, mainly because I saw a photo of myself uploaded and I looked like a beached whale. But I'm also struggling with feeling rejected by my partner, its now been 5 and a half months without sex or anything remotely sexual really.

While I know a big part of it is her medication I cant help but feel incredibly unwanted, add to the fact that I've put on a lot of weight I feel so rejected and ugly right now. I don't feel like my partner is attracted to me at all. She says she is, but I cant really broach the lack of sex topic with her so its more something lightly brushed upon and not properly discussed.

So needless to say once again I'm feeling very alone and worthless.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling quite pissed off and upset today. The friend I mentioned previously who was in the psych ward has gone back to her abusive boyfriend, like I knew she would, but he has now cut off her contact with me.

I was the only one who spoke to her everyday that she was in there, the only one advising her to follow what the professionals were telling her. He was making her miserable and hassling her constantly. He ended up reading the messages I had sent to her on Skype while she was in there and he messaged me calling me a man hater and various other things. Saying that I had no right to be telling her to stay on her medication and things like that. I responded with a relatively short message essentially telling him he was an uneducated and misogynistic asshat and of course I was recommending she follow professional advice. As a result she has now blocked and deleted me and I havent heard back from her in a few weeks. Pretty much since she got out and went right back under his control.

Im so annoyed that I always give so much of myself trying to help her, talking her out of suicide and trying to give her every ounce of support I can. Every single time she just shits on me in return. But I feel so obligated to help her, she was like a sister to me growing up, and I feel like if I stop helping her and she does end up killing herself it will be partly my fault, because I stopped trying to save her.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I just cant wait until we can move out of this place, when we move I can leave everyone behind and start fresh. No history. No family drama. No friends who abandon you. No people who sap everything you have and only come to you when they need something.

Im so done with this whole place and everyone I know, a new start with no history.

 

[MikeyC]

There's only so much you can do for a person before you have to realise that you've done all you can. She might still be in a bad spot with her abusive boyfriend, and you've tried to tell her. All she can do now is listen to you, and she has decided (or been coerced into) not to listen to you. Know your limits with people and stick to them.

You could call the police and ask for their advice if you really want to. That's up to you, though.

I'm sure most of us have gone through a stage where we've had to cut ties like this. I have, and now you have, and I guarantee both of us will do it again one day. It hurts and it does feel like you've exuded so much effort and got zero in return, but in time you will realise it's the best option you could've made at the time and you won't regret it.

 

[LoyalXenite]

There's only so much you can do for a person before you have to realise that you've done all you can. She might still be in a bad spot with her abusive boyfriend, and you've tried to tell her. All she can do now is listen to you, and she has decided (or been coerced into) not to listen to you. Know your limits with people and stick to them.

You could call the police and ask for their advice if you really want to. That's up to you, though.

I'm sure most of us have gone through a stage where we've had to cut ties like this. I have, and now you have, and I guarantee both of us will do it again one day. It hurts and it does feel like you've exuded so much effort and got zero in return, but in time you will realise it's the best option you could've made at the time and you won't regret it.

There's no point in calling the police, they wont bother with domestic disputes and such when she wont leave him and will keep going back. Its a total waste of their time and resources.

Its really just a matter of me learning that enough is enough and I cant keep depleting myself for someone who will keep returning to the same situation and who doesnt appreciate what I do for them and just shits on me in return.
I just have to learn to let go and not feel guilty as all hell.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling a little anxious today, I have to go out to the store. Aside from going to my partner's sister's house a few times (and being driven there), this will be the first time I have left our place in about 7 weeks or so.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Still struggling with the feelings of rejection over the fact that its been 6 months without sex in this relationship. Its getting harder to deal with the longer it goes on. I've cried myself to sleep every night for the last week because I feel so rejected and alone.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling very confused and anxious right now.

Everything about me seemed to piss my partner off tonight, she got mad at me coz I wasnt confident that I was pinning something right. and because she'd been snapping at me all night I went to bed. Now she is sleeping in another room and refusing to talk to me because she is just furious at me and I dont understand why.

Im now shaking from anxiety and confusing and afraid she is going to break up with me (again). I dnot know what to do

 

[LoyalXenite]

Getting really sick of the toll that anxiety takes on me. I know I need to go back onto medication but actually leaving the house and going to the doctors is just so hard to do.

 

[Nazim]

You either do it or not.
It is tough, it makes you very anxious but this is the right thing to do and you know it.
You can do it Loyal.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling very worried. My partner went to the doctor and he has told her to go to the hospital and get a CT scan. There is a possibility that she has a brain clot or a tumour. I offered to go with her but she said she was fine. So I'm at home worrying about her.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Got a call from my partner's older sister, my partner must have called for her to go to her in the hospital. She's been given a diagnosis and apparently its not too serious and 50% of patients recover in a short time and 90% recover completely.

She may be able to come home tonight, but she doesnt know yet.

 

[MikeyC]

That's good news.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been feeling a bit sick the last few days, Im blaming the heat.

Our plans to move have been delayed by 6 months coz of finances and a few other little factors. So I'm really frustrated right now that we are still stuck here. Even more frustrated coz there is a ton of housework that I should be doing, but I just cant seem to make myself do it lately.

On a more positive note we did manage to go out the other day to the beach, the water was lovely and it was great to cool down in the heat. Not to mention my dog absolutely loves the beach.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Had an absolutely horrible start to the day. Firstly I get woken by the neighbour (Who we do not get along with). They are at my door, which is open, with my dog and telling me that my dog got out and killed one of the landlords chickens. I get up (and try to find some clothes to put on) and realise that not only did the dog get out, but our two indoor cats got out. Locking the dog inside I go out and see a pile of feathers and a chicken on its back with its legs in the, looking like its got a broken neck. I see that its still breathing and I worry that its alive and in horrible pain. While I'm worrying about what to do it flips over and walks back to its area. Thankfully it appeared unhurt and was just in shock. After this I even managed to locate and bring in both the cats, one of them was watching the whole thing from under a car with a smug expression.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling lonely and anxious today. Got the house to myself this weekend but its feeling very uncomfortable. I havent gotten enough sleep these last few days so maybe I'll feel a bit better after I sleep.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I should really get some cleaning done today, but after dealing with so many spiders yesterday Im really anxious about leaving my room. Not to mention that because of the spiders I wasnt able to sleep until after the sun rose, so I slept through the daylight hours, now its 6pm and I really gotta get on with it before it gets too late coz we cant use the water after like 9pm coz it pisses off the landlord.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Not sure if its my borderline, or if my partner is just tired. But she just doesn't seem to like being around me at the moment.

Maybe I'm just too paranoid.

Still havent managed to go to the doctors yet. Im going to try this payday.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Havent managed to go to the doctors yet, been fighting off some annoying sickness which is leaving me tired and weak... Hoping to go this Thursday, gives me almost a week to get a bit better.

Gotta try and get all the housework done today and tomorrow, I've fallen quite far behind on it and the state of the place is really frustrating me.