LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Tonight i feel like im just a record on repeat... Dont call her... Dont call her.... Dont call her...
I hate this. I feel so lost
I hate this. I feel so lost
Loyal's Thoughts
- Thread starter LoyalXenite
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LoyalXenite
Well-known member
One hour down... Why are the nights the hardest. Wish i could fast forward time
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Well, i did it. I made it through the night and didn't give in and call her. Managed to keep my dignity.
Im trying to tell myself i deserve better. I never would have treated her the way she treated me. My head knows it, just need my heart to listen.
Im trying to tell myself i deserve better. I never would have treated her the way she treated me. My head knows it, just need my heart to listen.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Had to talk to her today. Needed her part of the electricity bill. It's so ****ing painful trying to talk to her like she didnt just destroy every single part of my heart
Now im trying to breath. Trying to hold it together before the night comes when I fall apart the most.
I feel like im being ripped apart
Now im trying to breath. Trying to hold it together before the night comes when I fall apart the most.
I feel like im being ripped apart
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
At the bus stop about to go to a job interview. Trying my hardest to remain calm and focus on the interview. My head isn't cooperating today. Lack of sleep i suspect is the reason.
Really wish i could erase my feelings over what happened. Its only been one week i know, these things need time. I just hate the in between period.
Really wish i could erase my feelings over what happened. Its only been one week i know, these things need time. I just hate the in between period.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Didnt get the job. I was the top contender but because i dont know if i will still be in this area in 6 months it wasn't right for me.
Im feeling really low tonight. I just dont know what to do or how im supposed to live my life. I feel lost.
Im feeling really low tonight. I just dont know what to do or how im supposed to live my life. I feel lost.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
My hot water system died 
Today is the second day without hot water. I really hope whoever comes to fix it comes tomorrow
Today is the second day without hot water. I really hope whoever comes to fix it comes tomorrow
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Still waiting for the hot water... They apparently fixed it but it takes 12 hours to heat up completely so i cant test it out until like 2am...
Ive booked in to do my P's test this friday. (Its a stage of the Australian drivers license, the p1 is when you can finally drive alone) i really hope i pass coz i need to be able to get my car and drive around. I need that control and freedom
Ive booked in to do my P's test this friday. (Its a stage of the Australian drivers license, the p1 is when you can finally drive alone) i really hope i pass coz i need to be able to get my car and drive around. I need that control and freedom
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Apparently my ex is going to call me tonight. She has some bad news.
I hate when she does that. Now I'm going to be stressing all day thinking of what it could be.
The only things coming to mind are someone is dying. I dont know what else it would be. She already abandoned me as callously as she could. What more could there be
I hate when she does that. Now I'm going to be stressing all day thinking of what it could be.
The only things coming to mind are someone is dying. I dont know what else it would be. She already abandoned me as callously as she could. What more could there be
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Apparently she isnt going to call now, the news had to do with her younger sister and she decided I wouldnt want to hear it. Hours of stress for nothing.
Annoying part is that I actually needed to talk to her over the phone coz I needed to go through all the stuff she left behind to see what she wanted done with it. She expects me to just text it all to her. I'm gonna have to go through the effort of texting every singe damn item because she no longer feels like a phone call.
Annoying part is that I actually needed to talk to her over the phone coz I needed to go through all the stuff she left behind to see what she wanted done with it. She expects me to just text it all to her. I'm gonna have to go through the effort of texting every singe damn item because she no longer feels like a phone call.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Been quite shaky today, keep finding myself trembling. I hate the feeling of shaking.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I passed my P's! Now to get my car and I will finally have a modicum of freedom and control over my life!
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Urgh, today I was feeling ok. Things were going just fine. Until I had to contact my ex... I contacted her to see if she wanted the rabbits because I cant maintain them and its not fair to them. What started out as polite texting turned into a texting argument which led to an angry phone call. We managed to end the phone call on a civil and calm note.
But now I feel so emotionally twisted, I feel stunned and hurt and nauseated.
It was such a horrible phone call... The argument started because I said I was working on getting one of the dogs used to the cats again and am starting desensitizing training with her (she attacked one of the kittens before after learning the behavior from a foster dog). To which she replied that if either of the cats got hurt she would never forgive me and would instantly take the cats from me.
Naturally I was highly insulted and hurt that she would think I was so reckless, and I told her that I was not taking any risks. It ended up into me telling her not to treat me like a ****ing moron (or something to that effect) to which she said she didnt deserve to be spoken to like that... In which I replied with the same.. She ended up calling me and it turned into an argument about how she cant come get the cats anyway because apparently I have banned her and her family from my presence (I have never said anything of the sort). She then stated that my body language at the time of the break up was angry and so she thinks I would punch her sister on sight.
I was (and still am) absolutely stunned and hurt that she would think that of me. I have never hurt her or any of her family, and I never would in any form out of respect for her and I would have thought she would know me well enough to know that. But apparently she just thinks the ****ing worst of me.
It ended on a calmer note, mainly coz I had nothing left in me by then, she does still want to try to be friends, but knowing how poorly she thinks of me the friendship seems even more unlikely.. Im sick of it, Im sick of feeling this. I tried so hard for the entire 4 and a half years of the relationship to be the best I could be, I tried to do everything I could to make her happy. Not only was none of it good enough for the relationship to work, but apparently it wasnt even good enough for her to think decently of me afterwards....
I feel so lost and worthless right now.
But now I feel so emotionally twisted, I feel stunned and hurt and nauseated.
It was such a horrible phone call... The argument started because I said I was working on getting one of the dogs used to the cats again and am starting desensitizing training with her (she attacked one of the kittens before after learning the behavior from a foster dog). To which she replied that if either of the cats got hurt she would never forgive me and would instantly take the cats from me.
Naturally I was highly insulted and hurt that she would think I was so reckless, and I told her that I was not taking any risks. It ended up into me telling her not to treat me like a ****ing moron (or something to that effect) to which she said she didnt deserve to be spoken to like that... In which I replied with the same.. She ended up calling me and it turned into an argument about how she cant come get the cats anyway because apparently I have banned her and her family from my presence (I have never said anything of the sort). She then stated that my body language at the time of the break up was angry and so she thinks I would punch her sister on sight.
I was (and still am) absolutely stunned and hurt that she would think that of me. I have never hurt her or any of her family, and I never would in any form out of respect for her and I would have thought she would know me well enough to know that. But apparently she just thinks the ****ing worst of me.
It ended on a calmer note, mainly coz I had nothing left in me by then, she does still want to try to be friends, but knowing how poorly she thinks of me the friendship seems even more unlikely.. Im sick of it, Im sick of feeling this. I tried so hard for the entire 4 and a half years of the relationship to be the best I could be, I tried to do everything I could to make her happy. Not only was none of it good enough for the relationship to work, but apparently it wasnt even good enough for her to think decently of me afterwards....
I feel so lost and worthless right now.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
There were two huge saint bernards in class today, absolutely gorgeous! I love large dogs so much.
Had an almost normal, friendly phone call with my ex today too. Now my heart aches for what should have been. I know it wont be, I know it isnt what would be good for either of us. But still I mourn what should have become of us.
Had an almost normal, friendly phone call with my ex today too. Now my heart aches for what should have been. I know it wont be, I know it isnt what would be good for either of us. But still I mourn what should have become of us.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Yeah Im trying not to get emotionally invested at all. She wants to try and be friends though, so Im trying to be a friend but also trying to keep my heart safe.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
Rehomed my rabbits today. A friend of mine took them in for me..
Its hard to have to rehome them, but i gotta put whats best for them first. At least I know she will take good care of them and I can still visit them and get updates regularly on them...
Now just waiting for my ex to pick up the remaining two cats... and the pet count will be 3 dogs and 1 axolotl... I know by some standards thats a lot of pets, but compared to the usual numbers of the last four years, thats about a quarter of the average number of pets... But its what had to be done. She got the cats, I got the dogs, and I had to rehome the caged pets coz of my allergies and my inability to care for them sufficently on my own...
I hate it though.. After all my work rescuing animals it feels so wrong to have rehomed any of my own. Just gotta keep repeating to myself that its what was best for them...still feel like I've abandoned them though...
Its hard to have to rehome them, but i gotta put whats best for them first. At least I know she will take good care of them and I can still visit them and get updates regularly on them...
Now just waiting for my ex to pick up the remaining two cats... and the pet count will be 3 dogs and 1 axolotl... I know by some standards thats a lot of pets, but compared to the usual numbers of the last four years, thats about a quarter of the average number of pets... But its what had to be done. She got the cats, I got the dogs, and I had to rehome the caged pets coz of my allergies and my inability to care for them sufficently on my own...
I hate it though.. After all my work rescuing animals it feels so wrong to have rehomed any of my own. Just gotta keep repeating to myself that its what was best for them...still feel like I've abandoned them though...
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I really wish I could just pack up all my things and my pets and just live in a cabin, in a forest on a mountain range, with a huge lake. Somewhere that snows all winter. Earning money from home and only having to go to town once a fortnight to buy whatever supplies I cant make or grow or catch...
I hate the feeling of anxiety that comes from living in this house that was broken into, I hate not having enough money to make ends meet. I just wish I could escape it all
I hate the feeling of anxiety that comes from living in this house that was broken into, I hate not having enough money to make ends meet. I just wish I could escape it all