Love And Why I Will Never Find It

[NVN]

I assume I am like most of you people here.... pretty shy when it comes to dating. In my case, 26 years of keeping my pants on.

Anyways, when I really want to send myself into a depression spiral this is what I think of.

I have a hard enough time connecting with 1 girl. Its a heck of a lot of work for me to even have a conversation with a girl I might be interested in, let alone form a real relationship. The problem is that love at first sight is pretty rare and most people go through several partners before they find "the one".

So I always think to myself, even if I could get a girl to even KISS me, chances are I would still fail and need to start the search all over again.

Thus, the complete and utter depression, the black hole space in my chest. Endless. Hopeless.

Have a good day.

 

[Liam17]

Negative prediction - you are assuming the worst - "It will be raining when I get to Hawaii, so why bother going?" Love at first sight may be rare, but perhaps its waiting for you, why miss out for lack of trying?

I agree although don't hope for it happen

You've got to be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with others.

 

[Anomaly]

A neutral attitude is better than a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

[NVN]

Believe me, I have tried my best with dating. Its all about numbers. The odds are not in my favor!

Doesn't matter though, the best years of my dating life are over. I don't care what you say about age etc.

 

[Kiwong]

Believe me, I have tried my best with dating. Its all about numbers. The odds are not in my favor!

Doesn't matter though, the best years of my dating life are over. I don't care what you say about age etc.

What you're only 26? The best dating days are ahead of you.

I care about age, geez, I wish I was 26 again.

 

[GoBlue72]

NVN, I do the same thing. Problem is, I don't think anyone can predict the future. And if your best dating days are over at 26, I'm really screwed(I'm 38). So, why not just take a less cautious attitude now, like that cheesy "live like you were dying" country song? I know deadlines are sometimes helpful for me, but being less concerned about it can help too. Even when I've googled "how i met my boyfriend/girlfriend" stories online, some of them are so crazy and out there, it just proves to me that not everyone fits into what you think of when it comes to meeting someone.

 

[NVN]

There is nothing good about being a 26 year old depressed socially nonfunctional human being.

I find it particularly hard at my current age because:

1)Women/Men cannot make up their minds
2)They have not matured yet
3)Many are already involved and have children
4)Focusing on career
5)I have no time to date because I can barely support myself financially
6)Women my age focus more on looks and frivolous things. (don't bother arguing this)

Also, I do not have the looks I had when I was younger. I am not aging very well. Balding, medical problems etc. I have so much to be thankful for.

 

[uhmm_doh]

There is nothing good about being a 26 year old depressed socially nonfunctional human being.

I find it particularly hard at my current age because:

1)Women/Men cannot make up their minds
2)They have not matured yet
3)Many are already involved and have children
4)Focusing on career
5)I have no time to date because I can barely support myself financially
6)Women my age focus more on looks and frivolous things. (don't bother arguing this)

Also, I do not have the looks I had when I was younger. I am not aging very well. Balding, medical problems etc. I have so much to be thankful for.

Hey NVN.

I know what you're talking about. Because I'm pretty much in the same position (26 and never dated a girl). It's encouraging sometimes when you hear others say they wish they were 26... it makes you want to stay positive and believe there will be better days ahead.

The 6 points that you made -- apart from no.5, I don't think they're really relevant, because it's the SA that's keeping us back from dating. You gotta work hard at overcoming that. If you ask me, the other points is just your mind coming up with reasons for why it is harder to date at 26. But to address your points:

1 and 2) I think men and women are more mature than at any age before 26. In fact, from 26 onwards, I think many women may become more realistic in their expectations.
3) It's only going to get worse going forward
4) Personally, I think if I were dating, I'd just feel better about myself, and as a result be even more focused on my career
6) Won't bother arguing

Try and stay positive. We have a long way to go still.

 

[GoBlue72]

There is nothing good about being a 26 year old depressed socially nonfunctional human being.

I find it particularly hard at my current age because:

1)Women/Men cannot make up their minds
2)They have not matured yet
3)Many are already involved and have children
4)Focusing on career
5)I have no time to date because I can barely support myself financially
6)Women my age focus more on looks and frivolous things. (don't bother arguing this)

Also, I do not have the looks I had when I was younger. I am not aging very well. Balding, medical problems etc. I have so much to be thankful for.

I would agree with uhmm_doh for the most part. No matter what people tell you here or elsewhere, you can probably find a way to argue against it. I know this from hearing it from people, and doing it all time time myself. Here are some things i've started to learn through my own observations and experiences(limited though they might be):

1. True, women and men often cannot make up their minds. Nothing you can do but convince them one way or the other.
2. I used to think age brought maturity. I don't think it works that way. I've met 14 year olds who have more maturity than some 50 year olds.
3. If you worry too much about a girl being already involved, better start looking for dates before they graduate then. As for children, almost the same thing. Yes, twenties are the most popular time to have kids, but sometimes it's even earlier, way later, or not at all.
4. Ask yourself, if I could meet the woman of my dreams or someone who might one day be my wife, would I think about putting a little less emphasis on my career for a bit?
5. Many girls won't let your financial status get in the way of things, especially if they really like you and aren't the "golddigging type." And you never know when you're situation might change. I'm 12 years older than you, went from an entry level job at your age to making almost twice as much 8 years later, to being unemployed. Don't let that be what holds you back.
6. Okay, so at 26 they focus on frivolous things? At what age do they stop doing so? Or can't you look at another age range of women? Also, I DO know many women I've met who were not this way. They're married to my guy friends. Although maybe more rare than most, they do exist IMO.

Hope this is helpful to you. If it doesn't change your mind, maybe you can at least question your beliefs every so often to test them.

 

[Earthcircle]

Believe me, I have tried my best with dating. Its all about numbers. The odds are not in my favor!

Doesn't matter though, the best years of my dating life are over. I don't care what you say about age etc.

I tend to feel the same way. I went into psychotherapy as a teenager because, obviously, one needs social skills while one is still marriageable. Now I am 48, got nothing out of psychotherapy, even though I was in it for more than a decade. The medications make me feel insane, and I can't take them. It's all useless, really a hoax. I have been reading Shorter's book How Everyone Became Depressed, and I'm beginning to think that pre-Freudian Victorian diagnoses and treatments were better than the snake oil we've been getting.

For example, Silas Weir Mitchell prescribed rest and outdoor exercise for people suffering from depressive anxiety. But the American Psychological Association makes this sound like some sort of moral crime. [ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/01/go-rest.aspx ] Shame on them.

 

[Odo]

If I never got married and spent most of my life traveling the world, or at least doing something positive and meaningful, I definitely wouldn't regret it.

But if I never got married and spent my whole life stuck in a routine where I came home every day to the same house and the same bullshit and felt sorry for myself, that would be awful.

 

[Richey]

I will never find true love because I will struggle to provide a home, you need to be a breadwinner as well as all the other stuff that comes with a good relationship. Just having a job probably wont be enough. You've got to be a successful career professional to own a house these days, in the past it was possible with a full time job, but it seems the middle and lower classes are being isolated more and more.

 

[JohnnAY]

There is nothing good about being a 26 year old depressed socially nonfunctional human being.

I find it particularly hard at my current age because:

1)Women/Men cannot make up their minds
2)They have not matured yet
3)Many are already involved and have children
4)Focusing on career
5)I have no time to date because I can barely support myself financially
6)Women my age focus more on looks and frivolous things. (don't bother arguing this)

Also, I do not have the looks I had when I was younger. I am not aging very well. Balding, medical problems etc. I have so much to be thankful for.

Agree with all your points. I am also balding as well.

 

[spider04]

There is always somebody worse off than yourself.......ME!

Or..... ME!

 

[MikeyC]

I hope you guys find someone. I'm a weird depressed virgin guy and I've had interested girls in the past.

Loneliness is ultra-shit, though. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. :sad:

 

[Luckylife]

The one thing I cannot do is purposefully 'chat a girl up' if thats the phrase, even thinking about it makes me feel ill. However, if you see a woman you like the best you can do is find some reason - any reason - to speak to her. Doesn't have to be loved up BS just day to day stuff. If the conversation tails off then make your excuses and depart and the next time you see her say hello, this works well. Its a good way of introducing your introverted self and you'll find women also like companions. Hugs are all the rage these days so add a kiss on the cheek whenever. I go out to pubs and clubs a lot but I always go alone and meet whoever is there, this can be an ordeal so I drink a few. Because I am a regular people are used to me so I always make sure I am very presentable and clean. Shy, introverted, mute but beautiful. If I do get on well with a woman the next few days are spent thinking about dating, marriage, children, etc that really messes with my head. The point I'm trying to make is that people get used to you and will build up a pattern of behaviour towards you, check it out, it can be really obvious.

 

[S_Spartan]

As a misanthrope I find the dating game to be incredibly INCREDIBLY BORING! I'm really not that interested or curious about other people's lives so finding some random woman to talk about her day or some other small talk just bores me terribly.

Then, interlaced between all this boring small talk you have to weave in signs of interest.

Then you have to read and watch for signals of interest from her which are sometimes misleading and you end up wasting a whole bunch of time and energy.

Sorry, but modern dating feels like driving at night in a really really dense fog on a mountain road. I have done that before and it is not pleasant!

Then as a man you grow up hearing that you need to be aggressive, "decide what you want and take it", fight for things, chase women...all takes more energy than I got and quite frankly I'm too bored with people and the world for all that.

Aggressiveness is great as long as the woman finds you attractive. If she doesn't then you become the "creeper." Do this in a place where you frequent often and now you will be known as the resident "creeper."

Modern dating is filled with flakes, creepers, divas, players, people who think they are SO much more than they actually are, people holding out for "perfection", users, gold diggers, people looking for a dad/mom for their kids, endless texters, married people playing around, and many other shadowy figures.

So it's no surprise that I get on best with misanthropic women. That way we can avoid most of the small talk. But they are rare to find these days. :-(

 

[Luckylife]

All I know is if I am keen on a woman and then see her with someone else it f***ing hurts. So I don't ask for a date, its purely a physical thing, talking comes after. We might talk then get into each other but ask for a date? F**k that.

 

[jaim38]

I think people, including me, are looking in the wrong places and wrong potential mates to find love. We have to stop being desperate, stop looking, and let love come naturally to us. We need to also learn how to appreciate other types of love such as love for parents, children (if you have any), friends, pets, God, and oneself. Love yourself, only then will you have the capacity to love others.

 

[JohnnAY]

I think people, including me, are looking in the wrong places and wrong potential mates to find love. We have to stop being desperate, stop looking, and let love come naturally to us. We need to also learn how to appreciate other types of love such as love for parents, children (if you have any), friends, pets, God, and oneself. Love yourself, only then will you have the capacity to love others.

I would agree with you if you're female, but if you're an unattractive male, you kind of do have to put a little more work into it. It would be foolish to think that if you just keep playing video games and eat Doritos, someone will eventually drop into your lap.