lack of initiation

[dottie]

i don't know if this is another defense mechanism but i rarely EVER initiate... well, anything. i never call people, i never i.m. people, i never start convos... basically i exist and if someone thinks i am worthwhile they will come to me. then i will engage (probably on a superficial level). they really have to have their own initiative to pry to get me to open up. i don't try to make people interested. i don't try to reach out. i am just here.

i wish i was more giving of myself and trusted that people enjoy my presence (and not just tolerate me).

are you this way, too?

 

[Argamemnon]

what do you think? ::

funny, i don't even have to look at your posts to know if i can relate. i can say the same about people like recluse...

 

[Rheves]

Yep. Never actually realized it til now though lol. There are a few ppl that pry enough though.

 

[dottie]

i guess i just like to hear people relate and get their perspective when i am feeling isolated.

 

[worrywort]

YES! I'm the same. but I wonder why that is? Is there anything we can do about it?

I mean, you initiated this thread ....so you can do it sometimes!

Why do we find it so hard to initiate things? because we fear rejection?....maybe it's a way of shifting responsibility....i.e. if it was someone elses idea, I can't get the blame if it all goes tits up.....but maybe there's some kind of secret to life in there....you see those people sometimes who try everything, and make fools of themselves and don't seem to care....maybe making mistakes isn't as disasterous as we think it will be....i dunno

 

[princess_haru]

I have this problem too. With me, I know it's a fear of rejection. I have such a thin skin that I can't take the idea of people not wanting me around! I'm always trying to work out the motives behind someone else's initiation too (are they just being polite? Do they really want to spend time with me?) I'm getting a little better with time, I think, but it's still REALLY hard!

 

[toothpastekisses]

..................

 

[lurknomore]

I never initiate anything- I wish I was more assertive and less afraid of rejection.

 

[dottie]

YES! I'm the same. but I wonder why that is? Is there anything we can do about it?

I mean, you initiated this thread ....so you can do it sometimes!

Why do we find it so hard to initiate things? because we fear rejection?....maybe it's a way of shifting responsibility....i.e. if it was someone elses idea, I can't get the blame if it all goes tits up.....but maybe there's some kind of secret to life in there....you see those people sometimes who try everything, and make fools of themselves and don't seem to care....maybe making mistakes isn't as disasterous as we think it will be....i dunno

shifting responsibility, that is an interesting idea... as i do evade responsibility in many ways. i am afraid of being responsible for carrying a conversation because i'm not good at it. the person would probably wonder why i initiated conversation in the first place when i don't even have much to say.

 

[Sloth]

Yeah I'm the same.

Something that's bothering me recently is that I can't show appreciation. I have the emotion inside but I'm scared of showing it and unsure how to. For example, congratulating/thanking/wishing well/encouraging. It makes me come across as heartless, but I just don't know how to show it.

I can't make/keep friends because I'm afraid to show an interest and get in touch with them again. I feel if they don't contact me first then they mustn't like me.

I find it particularly hard when I can't read the person's body language e.g. making an initial phone calls or online message. I'll wait for them instead, which usually never happens, which makes me feel bad as they may feel rejected.

Starting conversations is not so hard but I hate it. I'm sick of being ignored, walked away from mid sentence, people coming up and interrupting like I'm not even there, and people getting bored when I'm speaking to them. I know I'm useless at conversations, and people see me as a boring loser. So I'm reluctant to even try anymore.

What's strange is if I'm in a group situation where it is silent and people don't know what to say, I'll often be the person to initiate, because the awkward silence makes me so uncomfortable that the fear of rejection tends to go out the window. Once everyone gets going though, no body gives a toss about me and I go back to my usual self.

 

[Sure_whynot]

i don't know if this is another defense mechanism but i rarely EVER initiate... well, anything. i never call people, i never i.m. people, i never start convos... basically i exist and if someone thinks i am worthwhile they will come to me. then i will engage (probably on a superficial level). they really have to have their own initiative to pry to get me to open up. i don't try to make people interested. i don't try to reach out. i am just here.

i wish i was more giving of myself and trusted that people enjoy my presence (and not just tolerate me).

are you this way, too?

Being like that makes other people feel like there not interesting enough to talk to you. Because you dont seem interested. Just know everyone likes to talk and people are generally nice. You just have to give them a chance =]

Put yourself out there, and make a mistake.
I garetee that your first "mistake" will be the hardest, and trusting people will become easy in no time! =]

 

[JA2007]

I hate initiating communication because I keep thinking that I am bugging the person and they are going to be annoyed with me. If it's someone I'm really close to I don't care, but basically anyone who is just an acquaintance or less.

 

[dottie]

Something that's bothering me recently is that I can't show appreciation. I have the emotion inside but I'm scared of showing it and unsure how to. For example, congratulating/thanking/wishing well/encouraging. It makes me come across as heartless, but I just don't know how to show it.

oh yeah that is one, too! i totally know what you mean. sometimes i think, why would they care whether or not i give them a pat on the back? or maybe they will take advantage of me if i DO... maybe i am such an egomaniac that if i give them a pat on they back they will think they are better than me. god i'm so wierd and complex for no good reason.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I'm the same exact way. Even online, I don't message people if I have something I want to say. Im always worried about it... that I'll annoy people, or if they do message me back, it's only because they're humoring me, etc. I always feel like I'm bothering people & because I don't want to, I just end up avoiding them, which makes them think I want nothing to do with them. I lost my one & only real life friend that way.

 

[freestylemonster]

I barely make the first move, even on MSN i will never say hi first just incase the other person is busy and tells me to eff off!

ah that's why lol I was wondering why you never do...I just thought you didn't like me haha

 

[newbie]

yep
people complain about me not being able to say hello in the morning or just talking when necessary but i can its just i dont
also in the past when s.a was worse i just lost friends because i didn't do my part in keeping the friendship...

 

[Joolin]

I can definitely relate. For me it's just a feeling of inadequacy - that I have nothing to offer so why should I call people. To be honest, it's not entirely unfounded - I still live with my mom (I'm 21), I'm dirt broke without a job, and I don't have a car. I'm sure someone much more outgoing than me could make things work in my situation, but I am way too anxious to try.

 

[princess_haru]

Something that's bothering me recently is that I can't show appreciation. I have the emotion inside but I'm scared of showing it and unsure how to. For example, congratulating/thanking/wishing well/encouraging. It makes me come across as heartless, but I just don't know how to show it.

I sort of do the opposite - I'm scared of appearing unappreciative so I end up thanking people too much instead! It's embarrassing because then the other person gets uncomfortable too ::

Oh, actually sometimes I find it hard to show appreciation - a friend offered to buy me a coffee the other week as I had almost no money, and I didn't know how to accept graciously. I instantly started thinking I'd come across as if I was only after having stuff bought for me, which is silly as it was only a drink for f*ck's sake! I said something silly about being caffeine intolerant (which is true, but I could've just had a herbal tea!) and came across kind of rude and ignorant :: I'm so sick of being socially awkward!

 

[JA2007]

Oh, actually sometimes I find it hard to show appreciation - a friend offered to buy me a coffee the other week as I had almost no money, and I didn't know how to accept graciously.

I hate it when people offer to buy me things because I'm also nervous that they will think I'm just using them or that I'm a freeloader. Or inside they will be thinking "What kind of loser won't buy themselves dinner, I guess I will have to do it!" or something like that.

 

[Sloth]

That's a good one haru.

I always miss out on opportunities for the same reason. Even when my sister offered to buy me a drink a few weeks ago. I'll usually go into a panic, stumble on my words then just say no. Then I wish I had taken it but it's too late. It's so frustrating, I don't understand it.

Another thing on initiation. Yesterday I was in this store and I asked a salesman where to find the office I was looking for. I was full of panic but I just walked towards him and straight up asked. I didn't even notice the customer he was already talking too until I got a puzzled answer from him. All flustered, instead of apologising to the customer, I just turned for the door and got the hell out of there.

I hate it, I don't even know what's going on around me or even what I'm saying, and I end up making a complete dick of myself.