Just another journal

[jaim38]

As part of my therapy, I think I should keep a journal of accomplishments. Over the past few months, it was already a big achievement for me to go to class, as I am agoraphobic. Yesterday, for possibly the first time ever, I took up the courage to ask the teacher a question. It's not because I am a people pleaser and try to be teacher's pet. I just did it for my own sake. I wanted to see how I would sound when I actually speak up loud and clear. I was afraid my voice is too quiet so nobody could hear me, but to my surprise, my teacher could hear me with no problems. It took a bit of effort on my part to raise my voice a notch, but even more effort to actually force myself to ask the question.

I hope this counts as an accomplishment?

 

[jaim38]

So I called someone today and found out she was on the road driving, stuck in traffic jam. Immediately, I thought: should I continue the convo or do it some other time? Talking on the phone while driving could be risky. Accidents happen every year due to phone use such as texting. Empathy kicked in so I asked her if she'd be willing to talk at another time and she said ok.

Then I saw a commercial about the onstar system and something about car audio. I am aware that some cars, especially the newer ones, come equipped with tech that enables the driver to talk on the phone hands free, but not everyone can afford such tech.

When I first meet someone over the phone, I almost always start out with introductions, even though it's kinda boring. I first got the idea from another volunteer who first interviewed me. I think it's an etiquette thing, one way to break the ice sorta. It also helps to get some background info on a person.

Maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. I took the time to call someone and make my schedule accomodating, even though I'm nervous as h*ll. I also exhibit empathy at times.

 

[jaim38]

Today while brushing my teeth, I heard my neighbors out there. They were talking and mowing lawn. I just went on doing the usual, but it brought back memories from the past.

When my brother and I were living in another city, we moved around a lot. One of the reasons for this is the neighbors. We tried to keep to ourselves, minding our own business, but it always fails. Somehow, I was the one who always end up attracting the attention of the neighbors, mostly negative attention. I am the one they always hate and complain about, initially. I never understood why I stood out so much and earned so much hatred from the neighbors. It's like my brother is invisible. In 1 neighborhood we lived in, the folks think I am the "aggressive abuser" and my brother is a "victim" of some sort. In another neighborhood, the folks think I am a "good girl" and made it their pleasure to harass me as much as possible. They yell profanity at me, sometimes in my face, and made sure I was hated all around the neighborhood. And, again, my brother was pretty much "invisible" as if nobody noticed him at all. People don't exactly hate him, they hate me for sure. I get a bad rap everywhere I go.

And you know what? To make it even worse, I get abused by my brother at home! He pinches me, punches me for looking at his face, made me crouch while I eat dinner so that I can't look at him, etc. Moreover, I have to do most of the cleaning, laundry, groceries, being his chauffeur and driving him around, getting him food, etc. I feel like a slave. And, to put the icing on the cake, my brother blames me for the hostile neighbors that we had. He thinks it's all my fault that I made the neighbors angry. His reason? It's because I was making "so much noise", being "so noisy" that the neighbors hate me. And at some point, I started believing this too. I tell myself, "be quiet! Don't talk out loud, or the neighbors will hear and get mad. I gotta tiptoe and be as quiet as possible." I feel like a slave and a spy. I did everything as quietly as I could, tiptoing all the while.

I have never been so depressed in all my life while living in that accursed city. I am never going back there again. I don't care if one of my good friends live there - I've said before that we're just friends and I don't harbor romantic feelings for him.

 

[jaim38]

This morning I woke up from a nightmare. In the nightmare, there was a creature responsible for killing people with only his eyes. Most people who looked at him later died. Very similar to the latest chapter from Kuroshitsuji. I remember trying to find the exact identity of this creature, and eventually narrowed it down to a little boy who seems to be following me.

Also, within my nightmare, I dreamt about a woman who had sex with some guy. She had some ulterior motives for the guy, using sex as a means to an end.

Overall, this nightmare was sh*t. One of the worst dreams ever. I'm glad I woke up.

 

[jaim38]

I want to rant about a topic that's kinda taboo on here. I'm sure many people, especially girls, think romantic love is the greatest thing there is in the world. Having sex is considered the "ultimate expression of love", and having babies with the guy you love is considered the "ultimate fruit that comes from this love". Now, I used to buy into these myths too, especially when I was a teenager and didn't know any better. It's partly thanks to the influence of the media. Hollywood glamorizes romantic love and one night stands, as well as having babies early on (think of Juno, Teen Mom, and Knocked Up, Jennifer Aniston rom coms).

Of course, now I know better. There are many forms of love besides romantic. There's love for parents, love for children, love for pets, friends, God, etc.

I also want to talk about sex being the "ultimate expression of love". Ok, when people are young, in their 20s - 30s, and having active sex drives, I can see why they worship sex. But what happens when they get older, reaching their 70s, 80s and beyond? What happens if they lose their sex drive? Here's what happens: no more sex means no more love means divorce.

Let's say I've heard of 2 instances where the couple fell apart because of lack of sex drive. In both cases, the couples were both seniors and over their 50s. The wives had ******l problems so had to undergo surgery to fix them. However, the surgeries didn't go well and what resulted was botched. The wives couldn't engage in intercourse as they normally would. So, what one husband did was ignore his wife and find another woman, a younger one that is. I think it was the same thing for the other husband.

I also heard about grandkids complaining about their grandpa taking a younger wife. They say things like "she's too young to be my grandma. She's more like my aunt." Awkward. Makes me wonder if the younger woman actually married for the money.

What I'm saying is sex doesn't last forever. And it is true that sex can make or break relationships. Sad isn't it?

 

[jaim38]

I mentioned before I want to go into IT but have some concerns. First is I am not a tech genius. I'm don't possess incredible hacking skills or great programming skills. I'm just your average coder. I can program in various languages but I'm neither brilliant or creative at it. Second, I can't afford to buy many tech devices, which means I can't keep up with the latest tech. IT pros are supposed buy and try the latest and coolest gagdets, or at least have a good grasp of them. I have an geeky tech friend who owns 4-5 computers at one time, and that's because he's rich. His family could afford high speed wireless and stuff. On the other hand, I have 1-2 computers that I can call my own. I don't own a smartphone (never used one) and have 0 experience with developing apps for Android and iOS. How am I supposed to be an IT pro if I can't afford the essential devices?

The thing that kinda bothers me is that I am not an expert in anything. Not in biology, chemistry, math, art, music, social skills, or IT. I don't have deep expert knowledge in anything. I know the basics of everything, but I am master of none. Which leads to the question: should I go into IT, or find a compromise such as business ****ysis? But business ****ysis requires strong soft skills, which I currently lack.

 

[jaim38]

I spent all morning worrying about business attire for my oral presentation coming up this Saturday! What the bleeping f*ck is business attire? I wasted precious hours in bed just thinking about this question and foreshadowing that I'll dress freakin wrong for my presentation. Obviously, I've never worked as a consultant or business person before, so how I am supposed to know what business attire is! And what's the difference between business casual and business attire? I'm more confused than ever! Will my professor take off points for wearing business casual?

I used $54 to buy a pair of jacket and pants, but guess what? They look horrible on me. So I had to pair the jacket with a dress, which I look good in, but problem is, I'm not even sure if this qualifies as business attire. It's definitely business casual, though. The jacket's black and the dress is black too and not too short, is this business attire?

I want to ask my friends but I am hesitant to do so. One friend doesn't speak much English, the other one has a gf so I don't want to send pictures of myself to him wearing dresses, etc.

 

[jaim38]

Today I went to Walmart and saw a blonde guy in white coat. My heart skipped a beat because he looked a lot like the guy who bullied/verbally harassed me 4-5 years ago at another university. This guy hung out with a group of girls. He was one of the people responsible for spreading malicious rumors and trying to make everyone in class hate me. Moreover, he was the one who told a girl to yell hateful sh*t at me in class.

Anyways, the whole trip was uncomfortable. It just felt like I'm seeing people who look like my past bullies. I told myself not to look at people for more than 2-3 seconds max.

Anyways, when we drove home, I saw the neighbors. I didn't want them to see me at all, so I just drove to the mailboxes with the excuse of getting mail. The neighbors who lived 2 doors down from us had a long history. We used to be friends when living in the ghetto apartments but fell apart once we got here, due to various reasons. My mom grew paranoid at them, they grew paranoid at us. They don't seem to hate my brother or my dad though, just me and my mom.

I'm sure some people are curious about this, but the million dollar question is: have I ever personally done anything horrible to them? The answer is aside from ignoring them and not greeting them at all, NO! I have not broken into their property, stole anything from them, or anything else. So, the next question is, why are they so paranoid when they see me and my mom? Let's think through this logically. In the past, before we have cameras installed on our property, we had weird things happen. Sometimes we see nails behind our cars. And my mom had a car accident due to a wheel being deflated. One time, our car had a huge slash on it. We had no proof who did it. These neighbors were very good at putting on a smiling face, but they aim hearts of dagger towards you. For example, when I was walking home from the school bus, the neighbors' son suddenly came out and said hi to me. Then he took a piece of flying advertisement and threw it at my house! It landed on our property. Then he just smiled and walked away.

Why did my mom have cameras installed on our property? Well, I explained it already. And why are these neighbors so freakin paranoid beyond normal? Well, think about what happen to us. The advertisements thrown at our house, the big nails found behind our car wheel before we had cameras installed, etc. Hint: maybe these neighbors did something bad so they are scared of revenge from us?

 

[jaim38]

Reflecting back on the last post that I wrote, it looks like I'm placing the blame solely on the neighbors. It is tempting to point fingers and accuse each other of doing this and that, but that's the last thing I want happening. Right now, I just want peace. World peace. Let's start with neighborhood peace. I never had the desire to fight anybody physically. I know my family and the neighbors have a lot of differences, but if we could just live peacefully without having to deal with each other, that would be great! I just want to be left alone, without anybody bullying or bothering me, and I'm sure that's what the neighbors want too. Why can't we peacefully co-exist? It's a good idea.

I'm just saying, I have school, tests, and presentations to deal with, not to mention the business attire problem, and the last thing I want to add to my already long list of concerns is the neighbors. You know conflict resolution is one of the worst things I'm worst at. I don't even have the social skills or the agreeable disposition required to be a good professional negotiator.

 

[jaim38]

I believe I'm being haunted by supernatural beings. When I go to places, I could feel them following me. Sometimes, they drive me nuts. They make me so angry I cried and tried to ask them why they're doing this to me, but received no response. Or they try to shut me up and distract me from crying. I feel like an actress, all the time, partly because of them. Even when I'm at home, I can't be me. I know they're watching. They tell me things like they'll help me achieve my dreams, try to get me interested in sex and the opposite gender, etc. They delve into the deepest, darkest secrets of my mind and have no utter respect for privacy, at all. I have asked them, "what if someone was to do this to you? Would you like it?" No response, more insults in the form of curses and being labeled as stupid. Sometimes, I am afraid of smiling for fear that they will get the wrong idea that I like being taunted. It's very hard to be myself when I know people are watching me. I freeze, literally. I force myself to NOT smile, I my body become stiff and frozen, and negative feelings surface. I shed tears when I think back to the days before I met such beings. I wish I had never gone to college after high school, especially that particular college. I also wish I had never had a crush on that particular person - who will always be remembered negatively in my life. I am nothing but a pet to these beings. I am a lower life form who doesn't know its place.

In times like these, I try to focus on God. These beings tell me God doesn't exist, and that the Big Bang is all there is. The scientific method is the Ultimate Truth, according to them. Science is worshipped as God. But I believe there is more to life than biology, procreation, and death. There is hope. I believe in Jesus' promise that one day, I will be delivered from this place into God's kingdom.

 

[jaim38]

Yahoo Shine - Women's Lifestyle | Healthy Living and Fashion Blogs

This case has attracted a lot of attention in Europe and abroad. It's interesting how cases of missing white children attract more attention than cases of missing minority children. But we're not even sure the child is missing because she could be adopted for all we know.

It's just more negative publicity for the Roma, and more reason for people to hate them. It doesn't solve any problems. The Roma, a minority group in Europe, are similar to the Native Americans; just like the Native Americans settled in the Americas thousands of years ago, the Roma migrated to Europe 1500 years ago. So they've been living in Europe for a long time already. But instead of being integrated into society, they've been marginalized.

Last week, I heard about a Roma girl who was forcibly taken from a school trip and deported back to Kosovo. And this is only 1 out of many deportations of Roma people. Now, I recall that Europe has this thing called "free movement of people" which supposedly allowed people to travel across EU countries without having to present a passport or something. Ideally, this right applies to all EU nationals. But in practice, maybe it excludes certain peoples, such as the Roma.

Hollywood movies portray Roma inaccurately. In movies, I see them dancing and having fun, looking good too. Their lifestyle has been romanticized. But when I do Google searches on Roma, it's different. They don't look anything like the Roma actors/actresses portrayed in movies.

 

[jaim38]

Today I had an oral presentation. I came to school wearing a grayish dress and a blazer over it. I was really, really nervous. When I first came into the room, my first instinct was to sit at the back row, near the door, where I always sat. But, before I sat down, I saw an extraverted lady sitting in the row in front of the back row. My heart skipped a beat, because I knew she was one of the people who spoke negatively about me. But for some weird, crazy reason, I just had to go and SIT there, as if by instinct or something. I don't know what has gotten into me, I mean I could sit at the back row on the other side of the room, but I just had to choose this side of the room. Anyways, I think one of her guy friends came into the room right after I did and then I heard him tell her, "she's sitting at the back. don't look at her." I felt a bit uncomfortable there, and avoided eye contact with them. Oh well, I can't please everybody or be neutral with everyone.

When the presentations began, I was very nervous, very on edge. I wanted to get this over with, because the longer I waited, the worse my anxiety gets. But I also know I will kinda screw up because I was extremely nervous. It was a tradeoff.

When it came time for my team to present, I was a little calmer but also really scared. The teacher told me to speak up so I had to speak louder. I'm glad I had notecards with me because I forgot some lines. I think one of my teammates forgot his lines too.

I was extremely self conscious about my dress. I thought it didn't go well with the jacket, but I had no other business dress to wear. There was a black one that I wanted to wear, but it didn't look very "businessy" so I had to go with this one.

When the presentation was done, I went up to the monitor to take out my flash drive. Let me tell you, it was one of the nervous parts of being up there, even though the presentation and Q&A period were over. I tried so hard not to shake, I don't know if I pulled it off though. I pulled out the flash drive and walked to my spot. I tried to fake confidence as much as I could.

This presentation is one of the worst episodes of anxiety I've ever had. I was very self conscious about almost everything, including my clothes. In fact, after I walked out of the room, I think I heard some lady (probably the one sitting in front of me) saying that she thinks my dress looks ugly, to the guy. The darn hallway was long, and this made me want to escape. I started looking for the exit quick! I know my mom told me she'll call me when she comes but in my mind, I couldn't care less. I just want to get out of school ASAP! I don't want people to see my dress and outfit, because I was self conscious.

I kinda got lost in the elevator, but finally I did come out and at the same time I saw my mom's car! Hooray! I got in and we drove off. Yay!

 

[jaim38]

Today, I used up a lot of energy to fake being an extrovert. I feel so fake, like I betrayed myself. And I've felt like the most hated person in class, again. Actually, make that 2 classes. I am always being hated wherever I go, isn't that great? I never get a break. To clarify, I'm not asking for popularity, but nor do I want to be hated.

To be hated/disliked is very different from being viewed as stupid or slow. I had a friend who people think is stupid partly because she doesn't speak good English, but people actually liked her. They think she's cute in a friendly way. Me, on the other hand, people think I'm stupid AND people hate/dislike me. I don't know what is it about me that's so hatable.

And I am SICK, SICK, SICK of people who try to tell me to do eye contact. You know what eye contact does? It only makes people hate me even more! It earns me more enemies. People think I'm staring at them, lechering them, etc like i'm some creepy perv. I'm tired of it.

These are the very same people who taunt me for being shy and dared me to do eye contact. But like I said, eye contact brought me more enemies. I am sick and tired of their advice.

 

[jaim38]

It's funny that my major is IT related but I can't even afford to experiment with the various IT techs. I have never used a smartphone, and have to resort to using free texting online. I also have Office 2007 but my teammates are using 2010 or higher, so when we do reports, sometimes I see screwed up formatting with my version. I tried using Office web apps online but the functionalities are limited. How ironic huh? IT pros are supposed to further their careers but investing in new techs.

If I was like my former classmate, who was born to a financially well-off family, I might be able to start on the journey towards becoming an IT pro. Last time he told me he has 4-7 laptops/desktops and various video games. His house uses high speed wifi. 4-5 years ago when I told him I use a modem to connect to the net, he laughed at me and said something like, "you're still using dial up?" It was embarassing.

 

[jaim38]

I mentioned before that I used to have this problem of obsessing over my crushes. I would imagine my crushes are looking over my shoulders following me everywhere and just seeing everything that I do. It was total h*ll. When I let my imagination run wild like this, I feel like i had no privacy. It's like going insane! So I was so relieved when I finally didn't have crushes anymore, which means no more crazy obsessions and imaginations. But yesterday and today, it was kind of awkward. I keep imagining some bullies in the room with me, looking over my shoulders, etc. Sometimes, I could actually FEEL a presence over my shoulders. Is this some sort of joke? First of all, I ain't letting this turn into an obsession again. I want my privacy and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. No more crushes, no more obsessions, no more imagining people over my shoulders. I am tired of it. I want to be able to breathe, relax, and be myself in my "off state". =)

 

[jc972]

It's funny that my major is IT related but I can't even afford to experiment with the various IT techs. I have never used a smartphone, and have to resort to using free texting online. I also have Office 2007 but my teammates are using 2010 or higher, so when we do reports, sometimes I see screwed up formatting with my version. I tried using Office web apps online but the functionalities are limited. How ironic huh? IT pros are supposed to further their careers but investing in new techs.

If I was like my former classmate, who was born to a financially well-off family, I might be able to start on the journey towards becoming an IT pro. Last time he told me he has 4-7 laptops/desktops and various video games. His house uses high speed wifi. 4-5 years ago when I told him I use a modem to connect to the net, he laughed at me and said something like, "you're still using dial up?" It was embarassing.

I have wi fi but I don't even know how to turn a smartphone on. It takes money to be in the loop with technology. In my case I find what works for me and stick with it, like my cell phone from 2008.

 

[jaim38]

I'm confused. Last Saturday, I met 2 people who spoke negatively about me. It was a guy and the girl. The girl, I remember very clearly, but the guy was a total mystery. I saw him before that day and I could have sworn he was skinnier and geekier-looking. I don't remember him being a hunk. What's going on? Are my memories messed up?

 

[jaim38]

Today I went to school. As I walked down the hallway, I met this familiar guy from my other class who I spoke to once, so I just waved to him and he said hi. I still couldn't say hi loudly, or yell, because of the selective mutism, but a wave is probably sufficient as a token of aknowledgement. I walked up to the classroom but the inside was all dark and there was a note on top saying some class was canceled. I turned around and was gonna talk to that guy but then I realize he was sitting near a group of talkative girls, so I was intimidated and just left the area. I went to the staircase where I felt much more comfortable. I decided to wait a couple more minutes. I waited and finally went to class. The classroom was finally open.

THe first part was lecture. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable looking at the screen while the teacher was lecturing. I didn't want to come off as staring at the teacher, or making him feel uncomfortable. So for the most part, I either looked down or try to read the slides as fast as possible and when the teacher looked in my direction again, I just look away.

Also today in class, we had to group together to do an assignment. I worked with 2 guys. At the end, the teacher asked us questions and encouraged us to talk. I didn't say anything because I wasn't comfortable speaking up in front of so many people. I could do one-on-one very well, but this is a whole other level. Plus I'm quiet by nature so my voice isn't that loud.

When we were walking towards the parking lot, I saw some classmates walking ahead of us. I was kinda embarassed because I had my mom with me, for support of course. But you know what? If my mom wasn't there at all, I would feel even more scared and alone. So ultimately, I'm glad she was with me.

 

[jaim38]

I don't want to be a doctor, for various reasons. First, superb social skills is required, which I severely lack. Secondly, doctors are excellent at showing their emotions to patients, but i suck at this. When I'm happy I don't show it. WHen I'm sad, same thing. I don't know how to show my emotions. I can feel so much empathy in my heart, but outside i look like a still rock.

 

[jaim38]

I'm not sure, but money may be the only thing that motivates me. Not money from my parents, because I feel horrible for using their money, but money from outside sources. It's not because I'm a gold-digger, though I used to have crushes on boys who are financially well-off. Now, I have student loans i need to pay off, and it would be great if I could have some money to pay it off. After paying off my student loans, I'm not sure what else motivates me.