zav943
Well-known member
This used to be very depressing to me:
My 'friends' never initiate any kind of social discourse with me. I'm always the one who calls or texts or emails. The last time I'd been invited anywhere by a friend was more than a year ago. If I don't write on someone's wall on facebook, mine will stay blank for years and years. No one ever really took the time to ask me how I am or where I'd been for the last 12 months (yes, I was gone for a full year and few noticed or cared). It's as if I mean nothing to anyone...just an acquaintance...not even...
People who I invite somewhere always respond with a lack of enthusiasm, as if to say: ugh...I was afraid you'd ask because now I have to come up with an excuse. I make it easier nowadays by just texting them, just to give them time to dream up of a good excuse...though usually, they're the same...
I do everything by myself nowadays. Gym, hiking, bouldering, eating, watching movies. Or I do it with a club on campus...though, I don't even bother initiating discussions with people anymore; not so much because I'm afraid of failing to have a good conversation...it's the fear of succeeding...because then I'd have to cope with the painfully inevitable 'so long forever'.
Maybe I'm being overly dramatic (and I know us AvPDs are characterized as being hypersensitive) but my social failings have broken me down. I haven't seen social success in years...YEARS. I look around me...and I see these people striking discussions...people fall in love with them. This girl, which I used to like, met this guy a total of 3 times before he left the city, and all of a sudden I see a torrent of I MISS YOU COME BACK posts on his wall...what he said or did...I don't know. I actually met him later on...had a long talk with him about politics and such, and there was nothing particularly special about anything he said. If anything, we were in tune, reciprocating questions, making the occasional joke, etc...
And yet, he is infinitely more socially attractive than me. I have never and will never be able to figure out how he does it...maybe I'm ugly, maybe I exude some kind of pheromone that drives people away...SOMETHING. But one thing is for certain: I have failed. I'm a very hard-working, intelligent, outgoing person, but I am a complete social failure. And that hurts me more than anything else.
My 'friends' never initiate any kind of social discourse with me. I'm always the one who calls or texts or emails. The last time I'd been invited anywhere by a friend was more than a year ago. If I don't write on someone's wall on facebook, mine will stay blank for years and years. No one ever really took the time to ask me how I am or where I'd been for the last 12 months (yes, I was gone for a full year and few noticed or cared). It's as if I mean nothing to anyone...just an acquaintance...not even...
People who I invite somewhere always respond with a lack of enthusiasm, as if to say: ugh...I was afraid you'd ask because now I have to come up with an excuse. I make it easier nowadays by just texting them, just to give them time to dream up of a good excuse...though usually, they're the same...
I do everything by myself nowadays. Gym, hiking, bouldering, eating, watching movies. Or I do it with a club on campus...though, I don't even bother initiating discussions with people anymore; not so much because I'm afraid of failing to have a good conversation...it's the fear of succeeding...because then I'd have to cope with the painfully inevitable 'so long forever'.
Maybe I'm being overly dramatic (and I know us AvPDs are characterized as being hypersensitive) but my social failings have broken me down. I haven't seen social success in years...YEARS. I look around me...and I see these people striking discussions...people fall in love with them. This girl, which I used to like, met this guy a total of 3 times before he left the city, and all of a sudden I see a torrent of I MISS YOU COME BACK posts on his wall...what he said or did...I don't know. I actually met him later on...had a long talk with him about politics and such, and there was nothing particularly special about anything he said. If anything, we were in tune, reciprocating questions, making the occasional joke, etc...
And yet, he is infinitely more socially attractive than me. I have never and will never be able to figure out how he does it...maybe I'm ugly, maybe I exude some kind of pheromone that drives people away...SOMETHING. But one thing is for certain: I have failed. I'm a very hard-working, intelligent, outgoing person, but I am a complete social failure. And that hurts me more than anything else.