I've resolved myself to having no friends

[zav943]

This used to be very depressing to me:

My 'friends' never initiate any kind of social discourse with me. I'm always the one who calls or texts or emails. The last time I'd been invited anywhere by a friend was more than a year ago. If I don't write on someone's wall on facebook, mine will stay blank for years and years. No one ever really took the time to ask me how I am or where I'd been for the last 12 months (yes, I was gone for a full year and few noticed or cared). It's as if I mean nothing to anyone...just an acquaintance...not even...

People who I invite somewhere always respond with a lack of enthusiasm, as if to say: ugh...I was afraid you'd ask because now I have to come up with an excuse. I make it easier nowadays by just texting them, just to give them time to dream up of a good excuse...though usually, they're the same...

I do everything by myself nowadays. Gym, hiking, bouldering, eating, watching movies. Or I do it with a club on campus...though, I don't even bother initiating discussions with people anymore; not so much because I'm afraid of failing to have a good conversation...it's the fear of succeeding...because then I'd have to cope with the painfully inevitable 'so long forever'.

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic (and I know us AvPDs are characterized as being hypersensitive) but my social failings have broken me down. I haven't seen social success in years...YEARS. I look around me...and I see these people striking discussions...people fall in love with them. This girl, which I used to like, met this guy a total of 3 times before he left the city, and all of a sudden I see a torrent of I MISS YOU COME BACK posts on his wall...what he said or did...I don't know. I actually met him later on...had a long talk with him about politics and such, and there was nothing particularly special about anything he said. If anything, we were in tune, reciprocating questions, making the occasional joke, etc...

And yet, he is infinitely more socially attractive than me. I have never and will never be able to figure out how he does it...maybe I'm ugly, maybe I exude some kind of pheromone that drives people away...SOMETHING. But one thing is for certain: I have failed. I'm a very hard-working, intelligent, outgoing person, but I am a complete social failure. And that hurts me more than anything else.

 

[planemo]

Yeah i feel your pain, it's difficult being an outcast or as I like to call myself a social anomaly. But for people like us, the relationships we make with people online and on our mobiles, is something we treasure. We place more of a value because of how little we socialize in the first place. But for typical social beings I can't really understand how or why they would value something like facebook. I mean they might as well be speaking to a robot, if being "friends" with someone is just having their profile linked with their own, and exchanging a few words once in a while. I suppose to them it doesn't mean as much as it would to us. Maybe they just add "friends" to boost their ego's so that they can say "I have more friends than you."

So I don't think you should be too bothered about them giving you a cold shoulder because they probably do the same to others they don't get to meet face to face on a regular basis.

But yeah when I was in High School I always got the feeling that friends never wanted to know me after school hours. What they did on weekends never seemed to involve me, but I have been solitary my entire life so it wasn't as if I was facing a new challenge. It's difficult but at least I can tell you that being solitary isn't as bad as we think it is and you rather be happy on your own then unhappy with people who bring about a whole new set of problems when you are with them.

 

[Feathers]

Well, I think the whole Facebook thing is overrated.
The younger generations - some may hang there all the time, one wonders how much time they have to post there all the time? (Or what their future bosses might say?) I have some very cool friends who are never there and don't get any comments and don't comment on others' profiles either.. They're still great people and when we get together there is a real connection..

About initiating contact - there are people who always did it for me, so I just didn't have to bother - maybe your friends are even more shy/introverted/reclusive than you are? And find the amount of contact you have adequate? Or maybe you just need to find new friends, with more common interests?

With some people, I was the initiator too, with some it was more balanced.. you need people with approximately your energy level and similar interests.. Different people, different habits..
Don't you have something like an 'international club' over there?

I really hate to say it but mean this in the friendliest possible way, cause you really do sound like a great guy!! I don't want to sound negative, but you do sound terribly whiney sometimes, for a gorgeous-looking guy (if that's you on the pic with your mom in another thread?!) with a job and study.. it seems like you have it 'all together' - some people may be too depressed about their own sorry state or even jealous of what you have??
Maybe you are too intelligent or well off, and they think you're 'outta their league'? Or they think YOU may have forgotten them already?

If you do sports too, this can be like 'too strong' for more introverted people.. I know cause my friend also does sports and has way more energy, and her energy can sometimes be sorta overwhelming (if she's too whiney or such too).. when our energy levels (and/or states of mind) are equal, we can get along sort of well..
there was another very exuberant girl and many people kinda avoided her too.. on the other hand, equally energetic people found her 'very refreshing'..

So if you're depressed/miserable you may get along better (temporarily) with other 'miserable' sportsy/high-energy people (especially if they're miserable for a similar reason). (Or, you may hate them if you see yourself mirrored in them? huh?)

Not sure if this is the case with people in your life, just thought I'd mention it - Overall, usually people don't like it if you complain too much, unless you guys are really trusted friends, and it's balanced and at least somewhat reciprocal. There may also be cultural differences. so maybe it's just a matter of attitude and approach, communication...

Many girls could consider themselves very lucky to be with someone like you!! if this one chose someone else, it doesn't mean you're inferior or something, even if it may seem like the end of the world.. unrequited love is sucky, yeah.. you can also learn a lot from the experience and take it for what it is - that you guys at that time just weren't compatible.. who knows what the future may bring? maybe she'll get tired of him soon, or not? If it's meant to be, you guys will still have a chance - or maybe you'll meet someone way better!!

Perhaps you are also a strong personality, and a natural born leader.. It can sometimes suck, on the other hand if people respond and take your lead, you can also do a lot of good in the world with it.. !!

 

[fitftw]

my friends contact me, but I never answer or respond or call back or anything. I'm a horrible friend and I know that. I'm better off alone.

 

[Darryl]

. I actually met him later on...had a long talk with him about politics and such, and there was nothing particularly special about anything he said. If anything, we were in tune, reciprocating questions, making the occasional joke, etc...
.

I see this as a sign to you... We think everyone is special and better than us, have more to offer so why would they want to be our friend.

My example... I read your post and thought, wow look at how articulated you are with you post, I could never be that smart so I would be afraid to talk to you in person.

After speaking to your friend you found him as a everyday person??!!!
That moment you were stronger than avoidance, you put yourself in front of Avpd controlling thoughts and found someone "normal" just like you!

Work on breaking the grip of avoidance and bring new people and old friends into your life.

 

[sfmarkh]

Hi
I can relate. Here is what I noticed about me. I looked around and listened to what people were saying to one another-(My therapist asked me to do this) The people who seemed really engaged, laughing etc. were talking about personal things. Like how they feel about something, or who they thought was good looking, they were sharing a part of themselves that made them interesting, made them "real" so to speak. They made themselves vulnerable but were not seeking approval or disapproval or wating for the other shoe to drop.
I applied this to how I converse with acquaintances and became aware of how I turned the talk around to the other person, that I evaded questions by asking questions, that what I said was very general and would reveal nothing about who I am.

I get the point, if I don't share the real me, people won't get the real me not will they remember me. So now I am attempting to bring "myself" to conversations. Still a work in progress.

Maybe some of this is your experiance too.

 

[slowmotiondaydream]

No one ever really took the time to ask me how I am or where I'd been for the last 12 months

let me start of by asking how are you then

 

[tinyOctopus]

I feel the exact same way. I haven't had any friends (in person or online) for a few years now.
I try and try and try to make friends. I work harder than I think people should have to. I find someone new that I think I could be friends with, I talk to them little by little, I invite them to come over, and then that's it. It doesn't go anywhere else. We even exchange numbers and I never get a text from them, even when I text them first. Anytime I do get a reply from a text it took almost a full 24 hours for them to take the time to respond. It feels like I have to move boulders for people to even consider me worth trying back for.
I strive to show people I can be outgoing and fun and talkative. I try my best not to show people the completely stressed out, anxiety-ridden person on the inside that is freaking out trying to think of what to say next.
I don't know what it's like to have people pursue me. To have someone want me to be their friend. Not always me trying to get them to be mine.