it's so hard to make friends

[JNet]

you think its hard making friends when you are on college just wait until you hit your earlys 30s..

Definitely!! It's so difficult to get past the acquaintance stage when you're a "grown up".

 

[Kiwong]

maybe so... but more than anything i think he provides an awareness of human behavior. so many people on this site wonder, "why don't i make friends at school?" this explains a lot.

It also explains a lot of problems people have, trying to please everyone else, not themselves.

 

[Graeme1988]

It also explains a lot of problems people have, trying to please everyone else, not themselves.

Ah still struggle wi' this... Sadly! :sad:

 

[TreeBones]

real friends

I hear ya :sad: I wish I had a kindled, childhood friendship you see in movies or with other people.

 

[dottie]

It also explains a lot of problems people have, trying to please everyone else, not themselves.

so how does a socialphobe please himself? there has to be a push to show interest toward other people at some point, otherwise we remain shut-ins.

what would be better advice? i don't mean this in a nasty way as i need help in this aspect... balancing my

natural tendency to hide-away
vs
pushing self to make contact
vs
am i just trying to please other people when i do?

 

[1139]

Its always the same crap with making new friends. People only wanna do things when it suits them, people pretend like they want to be your friend when they may not. Basically people like the idea of having more friends but when it comes down to it not many want to put the effort in to get them.

 

[Kiwong]

so how does a socialphobe please himself? there has to be a push to show interest toward other people at some point, otherwise we remain shut-ins.

what would be better advice? i don't mean this in a nasty way as i need help in this aspect... balancing my

natural tendency to hide-away
vs
pushing self to make contact
vs
am i just trying to please other people when i do?

Well for me, I get involved in things I have a passion for, not with the goal of showing interest in other people, , but out of an interest in living. I have met some wonderful people who share those same passions that is an added bonus. I show an interest in life and living, and I try to engage in that. I am far from being a shut in, although I do appreciate solitude, but I enjoy that outdoors in nature.

My advice is to engage in life, become interested, and this will likely lead to making connections as a bonus.

It has worked for me, I seem to have been happy on more than the odd occasion this last few years.

 

[Flanscho]

Definitely!! It's so difficult to get past the acquaintance stage when you're a "grown up".

It's the opposite for me. By my early thirties, in which I am now, I have fought so much and for so long against my SA, that it's now much much weaker than in my early 20s. As such, it's much easier for me to make friends.

 

[arovt]

Nanita I completely feel you on that. I think that's one of the punishing aspects of dealing with social anxiety, is that it makes us eventually feel more "comfortable" being alone on a Friday night for example than making a fool out of myself in public with someone, even if that someone is a good friend I;ve hung out with at least a hundred times in my life.

Now here's my solution. I'm starting to figure this out myself, but we got to beat that feeling we get that makes us so "comfortable." Honestly we may deal with a biological nerve agent that impairs our social abilities at times, but other people like our own friends and good friends have their own problems that they're also dealing with and thinking of before going out with you. The biggest thing here is to realize that for EVERY single person in this entire world, going out and being social is about THEMSELVES. Nobody cares really if you make a fool out of yourself because maybe that person that you're with, looks at you like the "outlet" from his or her repetitive boring life at work or home. And just wants to have a few laughs with you. I'm tellin ya in some way or form, this is the entire scope of it.

 

[JuiceB]

Decided to make this my desktop wallpaper as I need all the inspiration I can handle.

 

[Goblinko]

I'm on the same boat as your, folks. And living in a metaphorical 'island', almost isolated from everybody doesn't help.

However, I've been doing some 'research' on the Internet about my lonely situation, so, I can find something to do about it.

I'd like to share some links I found if you folks don't mind:

I have no friends. People like me, but don't care about me? - Yahoo! Answers
No Friends - When You Don't Have a Friend
What To Do If You Have No Friends
‘I Have No Friends’ Help
Stop Your Shyness Blog | Just another WordPress weblog
ShynessSocialAnxiety.com
How To Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety | Shyness-Social-Anxiety.com

Hope they be useful.

 

[JNet]

I just had a "friend" dump me today, no explanations, nothing. It hurts, it really really hurts. This isn't the first time I've been dumped by friends, and I'm beginning to think that it's me, that since I'm the common denominator in all these situations it MUST be something I'm doing. Or not doing. It started in jr high school and I'm 36 now

 

[GhoulsNightOut]

It's just that it made me realize how much people like to talk about themselves

I was thinking that too. Some people have talked my ear off about themselves just because I was quiet and they seemed to have liked me for that.
I tried avoiding them like the plague....

 

[skins]

It is so incredibly difficult with social phobia. >.< I end up feeling completely miserable because of it. Still have old friends from high-school, but making new ones is basically impossible.

i will be your friend sahox, depending on how far away from me you are...then again, even in a different state we could still be friends...Im in Queensland just north of the boarder:thumbup:

 

[bsammy]

kiwong has a few valid points..sure, asking people questions and pretending to be interested in them will help you make friends but i have found that this sometimes backfires as many people simply just want to talk about themselves so they end up just monopolizing your time..it got to the point where i just ignore these people but playing the 'just ask peoples questions, act interested' game didnt get me too far..not many people seemed interested in what i had to say..i find people to be very self absorbed..

Flanscho-u find it easier to make friends in your 30s?i have found that people are already established and have their own social circle at this age..its qute difficult imo to break into these circles unless you are very determined and outgoing which i am not..

 

[dottie]

(kiwong, this isn't directed at you; just response to the general response here)

i get involved in things of personal interest but... when it comes to making friends (friends or even just friendly-acquaintances) it takes two to tango. at some point there must be a crossover where one person extends himself to the other.

this seems obvious... it is. but we are on a mental health forum. i am going to speak for myself here as someone with a debilitating anxiety disorder. when i am in fight-or-flight mode (which is basically always) it is very difficult to show interest in other people when all your body is telling you to do is to GTFO ASAP.

i am not slightly shy.
i am not mildly introverted.
it is social phobia, literally.
so, even when i am genuinely interested in other people, i don't show it because i don't want to deal with the anxiety TKO.

i guess for normal people that quote seems "pathetic" and "desperate". and for normal people it is probably a sleazy, insincere manipulation to get people near you. true. but for the socially inept perhaps it is a push in the right direction.

 

[Flanscho]

Flanscho-u find it easier to make friends in your 30s?i have found that people are already established and have their own social circle at this age..its qute difficult imo to break into these circles unless you are very determined and outgoing which i am not..

There are always people moving to a new location and searching for new friends, more likely in the early thirties than at any other age. And many people want more friends their entire life long.

Some examples I made myself just this year:
- a woman from Spain moves to Germany to study. She came here early this year, met a buddy by coincidence, and now she is good friend of ours
- I started having a cooking evening with a friend last year, a friend of hers joined whom I barely knew before, now she is a good friend of mine as well
- I joined a pen&paper role playing game group last year, and made two more friends that way
- I put up an ad on a website that is about finding people to play board games with, and I met them already several times, and they'll become friends of mine too

People in the 30s ain't set in rock. Their lifes change too. They move. Friends of theirs come and go. Their interests change. They meet new people and want to meet new people. Not all of them of course, but I don't need to befriend half the Earths population either.

What I'm trying to say is: if you live in a town with a decent number of inhabitants (like, I don't know, 100.000 or more), it depends nearly solely on yourself whether you make friends there or not. The people ARE out there in the same town you live in. They want you as friends. But you are the one who decides whether you find them or not.

 

[GhoulsNightOut]

when it comes to making friends (friends or even just friendly-acquaintances) it takes two to tango. at some point there must be a crossover where one person extends himself to the other.

but for the socially inept perhaps it is a push in the right direction .

I still have a hard time interpreting the quote the way you did but what you explained is true on how to make friends. A fact pretty much. If we want to make friends, it’s not going to happen by waiting for others to approach us. It takes effort from both sides, sometimes more so from socially anxious people because others tend to misinterpret our avoidant behavior or quietness as having no interest in making friends. (Or in my case, my quietness gets misinterpreted as wanting to hear every detail about their day even though I didn't ask. )
I’m still not a fan of the quote though but maybe I just misunderstood it.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

it's like as awkward as asking someone on a date these days to hang out as a friend lol

 

[bsammy]

i guess i should have rephrased my question or post..making friends is the easy part, keeping them is an entirely other and harder battle..i have found that is is very hard work to maintain friendships and yes the older you are the loose the bond..