It's not worth it...

[PheonixBomb]

I don't know why I'm alive. I don't seem to relate to others well, I have all these misconceptions about how other people are spending their time (ie constantly hanging out with friends, on Facebook, going to parties etc). Apparently I'm too mentally unstable for a relationship, the low self esteem stuff doesn't help either. I get quite annoyed sometimes if I see a happy lovey dovey couple. I have no distinct goals in my life, no target. My life is on autopilot, and I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. Things that used to make me happy (TV, videogames etc), don't have an effect anymore. I drink more than I used to... I'm never really happy anymore. I compare myself to others who I think are better than me constantly.

Why when I look at girls I think how she'll never talk to me? Or compare myself to the guy she's with, if she is with one? And why can I never convince myself that the dude might be gay, or her brother, or cousin? Why the **** do I always assume its her damn boyfriend?
There are some around here that claim most guys only go for model types, I'm not one of them.

I've tried online dating, but that just reinforces what a ****up I am. No responses, meanwhile other guys are like "well herp online dating is ez". I feel like I'm missing some X trait, and so I'm blacklisted by the opposite sex. Everything seems futile.

Places like Facebook are depressing, here are people that can socialize and aren't social retards.

I've been told by family that I'm handsome (like that helps, its family, of course they're going to say that).

The internet has said I'm average looking, and I look innocent as a guy. Maybe that's it, maybe its because I'm not some buff guy who can lift cars over his head... or that I'm 5'5"

My older sister recently implied I haven't done anything to change my situation. Perhaps she is right, perhaps all I do is complain, as I'm doing here. Perhaps that is another reason to end my life? I have no motivation, no drive. When I do have motivation, I lose it very quickly. I was hospitalized three times, the last time they just pumped me full of drugs that made me a zombie and told me to go on my way. I'd rather be a vegetable, what kind of life is that?

Then I think about how its permanent, and even if I do successfully kill myself, that there is no reset button, once its done, its done. There's nothing I can do, not to mention my misery would just be transferred to my family.

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

Oh trust me, I've felt the same way as you, and still do at times. The point is though to change how you feel about yourself first and you'd be surprised how other people will react to you. You are FAR too harsh on yourself, and that's only really hurting you in the end.

Have you considered therapy? I know, no one wants to hear that but it helps, it sounds like this is really all coming down to deep depression, and that can be worked on. It's not hopeless, if it's not hopeless for me it's not for you. I can't really say anything to help, I wish I could, but sadly I can't and I'm sorry for that. But look you are not the only one in this boat, I know the whole "You're not alone" thing is over used but for me I know that it really can help.

Seriously, getting help to change the way you think about yourself and getting help to pull you out of this is the first step in making changes in your life in general, sharing this with us is a step at least.

Again sorry I didn't have the right thing to say, but please don't be so harsh on yourself, even though it can be hard. And don't give up on yourself either.

Also there a so many different kinds of meds out there to help, they don't all have the same effects. And going to therapy is different than going to the psych ward ( I myself have been hospitalized three times)

Hey you can do what I do, you're already at the bottom, what else have you got to lose from trying? And hey if you wish to talk to anyone you can message me. I promise not to use too many cliches on you haha. Hey all of these things I'm saying to you may have been said all the time, but they ARE true. Trust me.

 

[PheonixBomb]

Thanks for the response. I am seeing a therapist but he is out of the country atm. Sometimes I just find it hard to get motivated to do anything, so I either escape or sit in the deep rut of my mind that is depression. Bleh...

Hey you can do what I do, you're already at the bottom, what else have you got to lose from trying?

Yes, that is something I must realize. Nowhere to go but up.
EDIT: Damn this section moves slowly lol.

 

[Clemisnail]

This may not be what you want to hear as you've probably heard it a hundred times before, but I'm going to try to phrase it differently (try being the keyword)...I hope this helps even a bit. Being in a relationship won't make you feel any less lonely, as only YOU can isolate yourself. You actually are in control of how you come across to other people.
The issue seems to stem from a lack of self-esteem. You don't know your "worth". Perhaps what could help you is people watching (I know it's helped me a lot).

Next time you are outside (in the street, in a shop, at a train/bus station, anywhere really) look around you. Look at the people, not only their faces and bodies but the overall impression you get from them (perhaps the way they walk or look around themselves). Although it may be slightly embarrassing at first, keep on looking at these people. Are they really that different from you? Look at them again. I'm sure you can see how even the "average-looking people" are still attractive. They all are attractive to a certain degree. The more you look, the more you will see the beauty. Is the "model-like" guy really that interesting to look at (PS: most girls are not interested in a poster boy to hang above their beds: they want someone real, with real feelings and real inner beauty)
Then look around another time. I'm sure you can spot "average-looking people". Many of them are in a relationship. They have a significant other.

So is it about others "rejecting" you or is it more about how you "sell" yourself to others?

PLEASE don't rely on what the internet/video games or any other technology is depicting: they all show a perspective of the world, not the whole picture as they only show extrapolated samples of reality.

I hope this can help you even a tiny bit to realize how much control you have over the situation. It actually is fully in your hands. Where there's a will, there's a way right?

 

[MikeyC]

Seriously, getting help to change the way you think about yourself and getting help to pull you out of this is the first step in making changes in your life in general, sharing this with us is a step at least.

As difficult as this is to put into motion, I have to agree here. The first step to changing is the hardest, because you are essentially changing what you know and who you are. It can be done, though.

Hey you can do what I do, you're already at the bottom, what else have you got to lose from trying?

I also agree here. When you've felt like you've reached the absolute rock bottom, there's nowhere to go except up. Try something. Try anything, because what you're doing now isn't working.

PLEASE don't rely on what the internet/video games or any other technology is depicting: they all show a perspective of the world, not the whole picture as they only show extrapolated samples of reality.

And also this. Looking at happy pictures on Facebook only gives you a small glimpse of the story.

PhoenixBomb, it seems to me like it's time to start changing. You are realising that it's desperation stakes now, as you're considering suicide. Good luck in whatever it is you want to pursue.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I can relate as well. It seems that anything I can ever do to satisfy other people's expectations of me never is really effective. I try to be one of those well-mannered kids and try to stay out of trouble. And yet, people expect more from me. I wish I wasn't so extra hard on myself if most people would quit patronizing and putting me down all the time. Facebook is useless to me anyways. I haven't met any new people/friends and nobody cares what I have to say on there because they're all wound up in their own virtual world. I'm hearing all this sh*t going on the radio with kid shootings at school, r*ping, and more shooting. And people wonder why I'm never going back there. It's not school, it's basically imprisonment! I'm glad I'm unable to get on my Facebook at the moment, I don't want to be informed right now of who's doing what and who says what. I wish if it were only that simple to find someone actually understanding. It turns out to be a major project assignment.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

You need to find yourself some ambition. I don't know if you are a religious person, but if you're atheist, there is only one life to live and here it is, the one you have now. You can choose to waste it and blame the world for it, or fight with the energy of despair to make it what you want it to be. These are the cards that you have in your possession to play the game, and trust me, it's better than you think. Do you want to die thinking "so... that was it?" or "what an amazing journey"??


If you're too depressed to care, you might need to get into the "healthy diet, exercice and sunlight" cult. It will change your view of the world.

 

[scattereddays]

Apparently I'm too mentally unstable for a relationship, the low self esteem stuff doesn't help either.

That's me. When I actually got into a relationship I was so insecure that I kept breaking up and getting back together with him. Lesson learnt: You need to be happy yourself as a person before bringing someone else into your life Do not let other people define your self-worth, you need to learn to love yourself.

I've tried online dating too and it's really a hit and miss. It's normal to get no reply. I would not recommend it as things are not as realistic as meeting people in person, and people choose to hide behind a screen for a reason.

 

[Flanscho]

Ending ones life is rather silly, imho. After all, while you live, there is the chance that things improve. When you die, you are gone for good.

 

[PheonixBomb]

Ending ones life is rather silly, imho. After all, while you live, there is the chance that things improve. When you die, you are gone for good.

In addition to the effect it would have on my family and the few friends I have, this is the other reason that stops me. Theres no reset undo or revert button. No save points. Once its done, its done.

Thanks for all the posts. What keeps you all motivated to keep going? There are times I find I run out of steam very quickly...

 

[MikeyC]

What keeps you all motivated to keep going? There are times I find I run out of steam very quickly...

Good food, good music, sexy women, sunshine, beaches, TV shows, and others.

And the fact that one day, maybe, possibly, I'll finally lose my virginity. Maybe. :bigsmile:

 

[Kiwong]

What keeps me going? It's the moments I win, those moments of happiness. I appreciate them more for winning the battles I face. Sometimes I think I am living in tangent universe like the one Donnie Darko found himself in, dysfunctional as all hell, but sometimes through hard work I win through and for moments at a time I feel like I am in control of this chaotic universe. I can go from looking inwards, to looking outwards on endless possibility. Running marathons and ultra marathons are some of the biggest wins I've had.

I guess my outlook on life changed in my early forties when I really hit rock bottom. I faced my mortality, I thought I had no future, and through ill health and pain, I realised how much I wanted to live. And I fought and survived, and despite all the difficulties this last few years have been some of my best. I am thankful for my life, simply because I am here to enjoy it. I've even found some happiness, and it motivates me to find more. I am also motivated to learn about the natural world in particular.

I also realise there a good people in this world, and that sometimes the kindness of people can go well beyond your wildest expectations, if you can find the courage to just reach out.

 

[Odo]

Well, part of the reason you're unhappy is probably because the media (and by extension your friends and family) has convinced you that you need things to make yourself happy, so you're always looking outwards for the solution as opposed to just taking charge and telling yourself that you don't need anything.

Instead of looking at yourself and saying 'I'm so incomplete', try looking at yourself as complete with everything else as a bonus. A big part of getting through bad situations is how we deal with finding our way through... not on whether or not the solution comes easily.

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

Thanks for the response. I am seeing a therapist but he is out of the country atm. Sometimes I just find it hard to get motivated to do anything, so I either escape or sit in the deep rut of my mind that is depression. Bleh...

Yes, that is something I must realize. Nowhere to go but up.
EDIT: Damn this section moves slowly lol.

Yeah, thought is my worst enemy. I over ****yze everything and unless my mind is completely distracted at time I'll drive myself nuts. Good for you for going to therapy, that's what I'm working on right now, it'll help, just give it time.

Indeed it does haha.