It's not like I'm imagining things

[OceanMist]

Okay, well obviously that girl is not the one that you need to be with. Not having many relationships doesn't mean that there's automatically something wrong with you. I'm a girl & I think that shy guys are cute, but of course I'm the same way. You've just got to go for the right type of girl who will accept you for who you are, otherwise things won't work out. Sorry if this wasn't very helpful!

Whether this girl was for me or not wasn't really the point of this post. I should have mentioned that.

No offense, but your answer is kind of cliche. "There are women that like shy guys" seems to be what people try to say on here.

Haha, if they like shy guys so much, then I wouldn't be single.

It's pretty obvious that the talkative alpha male is more preferred.

That's all good and well, the trick is I need to find a way to become more of an alpha.

 

[OceanMist]

Not all of them would do that. But an outgoing person might be troublesome to deal with if you're in the introverted side.

And that's exactly what makes dating so hard for shy people.

 

[coyote]

the "omg, what's wrong with you?" sounded like a flirt, a 'come on'

that was the serve - you were supposed to hit back over the net to her

playful banter - don't take it so personally

 

[Kiwong]

I noticed there is a question on OK cupid.

Would your partner never having been in a relationship be a problem for you?

At least one potential match said hell yeah1

It's been interesting to look at the site, in a detached way. All the conversations I've had haven't gone anywhere. I've tried to intiate a few. One person who contacted me now knows I have a mental illness. I haven't heard back from them since.

It's more of an experiment, I'm not interestd in dating, but I don't mind talking to people with similar interests.

 

[FollowMe]

You don't get it.

I am shy by nature. No matter how much I "work" on my shyness, it's still going to be there to a certain extent.

According to your "plan," I should never pursue a relationship with a woman because that would be selfish to bring her into my world.

I know you will try to deny this in some manner, but that is really what you are trying to tell me.

Look dude, this shyness can be worked on and improved, but the only way to improve it is to get in the field in the flesh and actually socialize with women. I can't do that from hiding in my house and never trying to meet women.

It's not selfish to pursue making your life better, which is what I'm trying to do by meeting women.

If your philosophy doesn't require actually getting out and talking to women in some sort of manner, then it's bogus. I'm sorry, but I can't get experience unless I get experience. I'm in this position because I didn't get enough experience.

I am going to deny what you're saying. How'd you guess, haha?

I never said that you should never pursue a relationship again. Oh god, no, definitely not what I'm suggesting. Just a little time off from it all to get to know the things that make you happy. You should know from my previous posts that I'm all about trying to make a happier and more satisfying life. You are by no means that person who is going to be single for the rest of their life and you deserve to be happy and in a relationship. Let's just get that straight.

I just hope you don't make the mistake of destroying yourself by fixating your thoughts on the subject of women. But hey, you can also keep trying to find a girl on one of those dating websites. They worked wonders for a friend of mind who is currently in a relationship because of it. I hate the idea of giving you advice because you're quite capable of making your own decisions but here's just one suggestion. When you talk to these people, focus on their situations. Give them the attention and I think you'll find that your problems will fade away a little bit.

But by all means, I hope you find a lady for yourself. Also, you don't have to be Rambo to get a decent lady, haha. Surprisingly enough, they do like to laugh.

 

[OceanMist]

I am going to deny what you're saying. How'd you guess, haha?

I never said that you should never pursue a relationship again. Oh god, no, definitely not what I'm suggesting. Just a little time off from it all to get to know the things that make you happy. You should know from my previous posts that I'm all about trying to make a happier and more satisfying life. You are by no means that person who is going to be single for the rest of their life and you deserve to be happy and in a relationship. Let's just get that straight.

I just hope you don't make the mistake of destroying yourself by fixating your thoughts on the subject of women. But hey, you can also keep trying to find a girl on one of those dating websites. They worked wonders for a friend of mind who is currently in a relationship because of it. I hate the idea of giving you advice because you're quite capable of making your own decisions but here's just one suggestion. When you talk to these people, focus on their situations. Give them the attention and I think you'll find that your problems will fade away a little bit.

But by all means, I hope you find a lady for yourself. Also, you don't have to be Rambo to get a decent lady, haha. Surprisingly enough, they do like to laugh.

I agree with everything you said on here except for one part. You say to take time off to get to know things that makes me happy.

As heterosexual men, one of the biggest things that makes us happy is connecting with a woman in a relationship. And unfortunately, I've been deprived of much relationship experience, hence, my frustration and making threads like this.

If I were to actually have a relationship with a woman that I'm attracted to, then I wouldn't be on here complaining about stuff like this. A relationship would create this happiness you are suggesting that I find. it would make me happier than any hobby or friend could.

I've only been in one real relationship before, and even though I wasn't even attracted to the woman, we connected, and during that time I was happier than I was doing much of anything else.

Intimate relationships are a necessary component in a person's life in order to be happy. When a person such as myself only has had one relationship that didn't even last 2 months and I'm 28, that's not exactly time to search for happiness in other areas. I'm burned out on just playing video games and just being friends or getting rejected by people.

^This is how I see things in my life right now and how I feel.^ Let me know your thoughts on this if you would like to input anything to what I just wrote.

 

[OceanMist]

the "omg, what's wrong with you?" sounded like a flirt, a 'come on'

that was the serve - you were supposed to hit back over the net to her

playful banter - don't take it so personally

I disagree, sorry. I was there in the conversation with her. She said it because she couldn't believe any person....male or female, who is 28 years old, has only been in one relationship.

She was taking the "everyone should be like me (her)" mentality. A lot of people have that mentality.

I mean it's okay, I've been called a freak before plenty of times, so it's not a big deal. I just made this thread to point out how screwed up the dating world is for guys like me since so many people tell me i'm imagining stuff.

What she said was actually better because it shows the truth about what most women really think when a guy who is 28 tells them something like I told her. Btw, I've had the same judgement given to me by women in person on dates before when I told them the same thing.

Lack of experience is okay with some women, but almost all of the women I talked to in the 12 or so different women I've dated were not a fan of the only one relationship thing.

Either I'm the unluckiest guy on the planet with picking women to talk to, or the general consensus doesn't favor the 28 year old male who's only been in one serious relationship.

 

[OceanMist]

I don't think the girl was trying to be rude. In fact I don't think the girl was being rude. Someone asked me a similar question when I was 13 or 14, and I lied. I knew to lie. It's like that conversation you have at 14 when everybody denies being a virgin.

Oh, she definitely wasn't trying to be rude. I didn't say that, did i? She was just being honest about the way she felt.

Btw, are you encouraging me to lie? No offense, but I see that as a little shady, haha.

I'm not comfortable going around telling women I've been in more relationships than I really have. Sorry.

I shouldn't have to lie to get a woman to like me. If I have to stoop to that level, then all hope is lost for me as a person.

 

[Hellhound]

^ I will stick to you being unlucky. Not the unluckiest, just unlucky.

 

[OceanMist]

^ I will stick to you being unlucky. Not the unluckiest, just unlucky.

Which guy would you say is more confident? The 28 year old guy who's been in one relationship or the 28 year old guy who's been in 6 relationships?

I get why most women are turned off by lack of relationship experience. They relate it to social confidence and social experience.

 

[Hellhound]

Which guy would you say is more confident? The 28 year old guy who's been in one relationship or the 28 year old guy who's been in 6 relationships?

Me personally? I'd choose the 28 year old one who's been in one.

There's something about guys who have been with a lot of girls that puts me off. I'm not sure what it is.

 

[FollowMe]

I agree with everything you said on here except for one part. You say to take time off to get to know things that makes me happy.

As heterosexual men, one of the biggest things that makes us happy is connecting with a woman in a relationship. And unfortunately, I've been deprived of much relationship experience, hence, my frustration and making threads like this.

If I were to actually have a relationship with a woman that I'm attracted to, then I wouldn't be on here complaining about stuff like this. A relationship would create this happiness you are suggesting that I find. it would make me happier than any hobby or friend could.

I've only been in one real relationship before, and even though I wasn't even attracted to the woman, we connected, and during that time I was happier than I was doing much of anything else.

Intimate relationships are a necessary component in a person's life in order to be happy. When a person such as myself only has had one relationship that didn't even last 2 months and I'm 28, that's not exactly time to search for happiness in other areas. I'm burned out on just playing video games and just being friends or getting rejected by people.

^This is how I see things in my life right now and how I feel.^ Let me know your thoughts on this if you would like to input anything to what I just wrote.

Very open and honest; that's much appreciated. I sympathize with your way of seeing things, much of it seems rational, and I can understand your desire for a relationship.

Here's what I am now suggesting which might have some impact on you. Being with a girl makes you happy, and it should! I believe this is something that should be desired by any man who is in touch with reality. I just want you to see that the thing you claim to bring you happiness has probably also brought you much sadness over the years. In other words, your lack of having a girlfriend has brought more sadness to your life than the happiness generated by having a girlfriend. So I will meet you halfway with my suggestion. Of course I understand that I am by no means in any situation to dictate any aspect of your life, I'm just suggesting a plan that might work. The idea is to expand upon your hobbies and passions while also looking for someone on those dating websites. In this way, you can get in touch with other things that are 100% sure to make you happy while also trying to find a girl. It's a win-win situation. The point of this being that there are many different passions and hobbies in this world that will make you happy no matter what, so you might as well find out what you're missing out on. You said that you're burned out on playing video games. Maybe it'd be beneficial to take a break from video games and try something more rewarding...

One more piece of advice if you don't mind. No matter how hopeless you might consider your situation to be, just realize that this is your perspective on things. I, for example, see nothing wrong with a guy who has only been in a two month relationship. Every decent human being understands that people go through $hit. That's just the nature of things. It is also Critically important to understand that no matter what your situation is, worrying about it will do you no good. The situation remains the same and you will only be helping yourself if you stop worrying about it. You know that Bobby McFerrin song "Don't Worry, Be Happy"? A line in the song, "in every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double", speaks the truth of your situation. Don't bring yourself down with these thoughts.

 

[OceanMist]

Very open and honest; that's much appreciated. I sympathize with your way of seeing things, much of it seems rational, and I can understand your desire for a relationship.

Here's what I am now suggesting which might have some impact on you. Being with a girl makes you happy, and it should! I believe this is something that should be desired by any man who is in touch with reality. I just want you to see that the thing you claim to bring you happiness has probably also brought you much sadness over the years. In other words, your lack of having a girlfriend has brought more sadness to your life than the happiness generated by having a girlfriend. So I will meet you halfway with my suggestion. Of course I understand that I am by no means in any situation to dictate any aspect of your life, I'm just suggesting a plan that might work. The idea is to expand upon your hobbies and passions while also looking for someone on those dating websites. In this way, you can get in touch with other things that are 100% sure to make you happy while also trying to find a girl. It's a win-win situation. The point of this being that there are many different passions and hobbies in this world that will make you happy no matter what, so you might as well find out what you're missing out on. You said that you're burned out on playing video games. Maybe it'd be beneficial to take a break from video games and try something more rewarding...

One more piece of advice if you don't mind. No matter how hopeless you might consider your situation to be, just realize that this is your perspective on things. I, for example, see nothing wrong with a guy who has only been in a two month relationship. Every decent human being understands that people go through $hit. That's just the nature of things. It is also Critically important to understand that no matter what your situation is, worrying about it will do you no good. The situation remains the same and you will only be helping yourself if you stop worrying about it. You know that Bobby McFerrin song "Don't Worry, Be Happy"? A line in the song, "in every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double", speaks the truth of your situation. Don't bring yourself down with these thoughts.

You know what I need to do, is try things that get me out and socializing. I think that's what you were trying to get at. I need to take more action with that. You are right. That's got to contributing to my loneliness.

As for the worry part, I think my problem is more that I'm missing a giant part of life that should be experienced ( intimate relationship with a woman and/or love). When a guy practically never has a woman, the older he gets, the more lonely and empty he becomes.

I don't feel worried.....I feel alone. That feeling can't be dodged by killing worry because that emptiness is there because I'm missing love.

 

[OceanMist]

Me personally? I'd choose the 28 year old one who's been in one.

There's something about guys who have been with a lot of girls that puts me off. I'm not sure what it is.

I answered this in the private message I gave you but long story short, 6 relationships averages out to two a year assuming he starts around 16 yrs old give or take, which doesn't necessarily mean the guy has been with that many women.

I'd say a guy that has had sex with 6 different women (just an example) throughout his life by the time he's 28 yrs old is pretty normal.

Come to think of it this example isn't that great considering I've had sex with 4 different women and I'm discussing relationships. Oh well, I hope you get my point.

 

[FollowMe]

You know what I need to do, is try things that get me out and socializing. I think that's what you were trying to get at. I need to take more action with that. You are right. That's got to contributing to my loneliness.

As for the worry part, I think my problem is more that I'm missing a giant part of life that should be experienced ( intimate relationship with a woman and/or love). When a guy practically never has a woman, the older he gets, the more lonely and empty he becomes.

I don't feel worried.....I feel alone. That feeling can't be dodged by killing worry because that emptiness is there because I'm missing love.

Getting out and doing things is a great idea. You can go out and do something that you like to do while socializing.

I see what you mean when you say that you are missing a giant part of life. I feel the same, but then I think about all of the things I love to do. Play instruments, read, watch TV/movies, learn about ideas, listen to music, etc. Just try not to think about the loneliness. After all, while loneliness is a terrible thing to go through, it's all a head game. Make the most out of your current situation, and when you think you've found a good fit, seize the opportunity and go after her with all the positivity you can muster.

In the end, you should always be your best friend.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

~Buddha

 

[OceanMist]

Getting out and doing things is a great idea. You can go out and do something that you like to do while socializing.

I see what you mean when you say that you are missing a giant part of life. I feel the same, but then I think about all of the things I love to do. Play instruments, read, watch TV/movies, learn about ideas, listen to music, etc. Just try not to think about the loneliness. After all, while loneliness is a terrible thing to go through, it's all a head game. Make the most out of your current situation, and when you think you've found a good fit, seize the opportunity and go after her with all the positivity you can muster.

In the end, you should always be your best friend.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

~Buddha

Try not to think about the loneliness? I mean I do, but it comes up no matter how hard a person tries.

There was a video with that George Sodini guy, that guy who couldn't get a g/f and shot up a gym.

I know this is an extreme example, but in the video he mentioned how there is only so many hobbies that you speak of that a man can do before he gets to a point where he needs the intimate relationship of a woman.

Obviously I don't agree with killing people, but I realize what happend that made him lose his $hit. He couldn't get love from a woman. He even wrote about that b4 he died.

Man isn't an island. We shouldn't try to just be our best friend. We need other people and we need love from a woman.

You may not believe it, but I already love myself. I don't need any more "me" time.

We are designed to connect with others. It freaking sucks that we are wired that way, haha. But we are.

 

[BlueDays]

We are designed to connect with others. It freaking sucks that we are wired that way, haha. But we are.

^ I know I feel that frustration too.
Makes me think it was a lot better living back in history when we all lived in little tribes/villiages. Finding a mate did not depend on looks, wealth, work status etc.
The more modern the times, the more complicated partnering up has become.:sad:

 

[FollowMe]

Try not to think about the loneliness? I mean I do, but it comes up no matter how hard a person tries.

There was a video with that George Sodini guy, that guy who couldn't get a g/f and shot up a gym.

I know this is an extreme example, but in the video he mentioned how there is only so many hobbies that you speak of that a man can do before he gets to a point where he needs the intimate relationship of a woman.

Obviously I don't agree with killing people, but I realize what happend that made him lose his $hit. He couldn't get love from a woman. He even wrote about that b4 he died.

Man isn't an island. We shouldn't try to just be our best friend. We need other people and we need love from a woman.

You may not believe it, but I already love myself. I don't need any more "me" time.

We are designed to connect with others. It freaking sucks that we are wired that way, haha. But we are.

Haha interesting example. The obvious response being "don't take advice from a guy who shot up a gym". You can continue hobbies during a relationship. Who knows, maybe you can bond over a certain hobby. It's good that you love yourself. It's good to love yourself enough to feel the desire to share yourself with others too. I've had trouble with that concept for a long time. With love in yourself comes confidence and all that jazz. Good luck with your endeavors and remember to not let it get to you. Life is too short and nothing happens after it. No regrets and no wasted time.

 

[itisgoingtobefine]

I've been on Okcupid and as far as a can tell most ladies on that site are messed up. As a matter of fact I think the problem on there is everyone thinks everyone is messed up. The girls think the guys are messed up, and the guys think the girls are messed up. That's been my experience there. For an example one girl lead me to believe that she wanted to talk to me over the phone. So I worked up the nerve to call her. Guess what? Her very first response was "oh I should have told you. I have been seeing someone already. Good bye" And that was pretty much the conversation. I was in shock! That was probably the worse of my experiences on Okcupid, but the other girls were almost as bad. They would be willing to share maybe an email or 2 but then things would just fizzle before anything could be built. The last girl I called, we had some really funny and good conversations, but she stopped answering her phone, which came very abrupt. After several years of messing around with Okcupid I decided it wasn't worth the hassle for me.

 

[Opaline]

Okay, I read most of the replies here except a few at the end that were a bit long haha.

I agree with you, Oceanmist. All the people here offering positivity mean well, but I found myself agreeing with what you were saying. Dating is hard for shy guys (everyone knows that though... some just try to do deny it). Confidence is attractive in everyone but especially men. I'd say the percentage of women who are actually truly attracted to shy guys is probably low.

I can understand your frustration. The dating world is brutal since the game has changed via the sexual revolution. Without the business-like transactions of love/sex in the past, we are left with a confusing jungle of potential faux pas and standards to navigate. I'm not saying we should go back to dowries and arranged marriages, but now everything is a free-for-all and it makes it that much harder and more confusing.

I know I'm not helping any, and truth is I don't have any good advice because I feel the pressure of it too (although I'm a bit younger than you are). I just wanted you to know that not everyone on the forum disagrees with you and thinks you're imagining things. I tend to agree with your posts more often than not.