zashiki-warashi
Member
Social anxiety has plagued me all my life. I had few friends in school, I never raised my hand in class, and I rarely attended social functions outside of school. I was really smart, though. I went to college, and suffered from depression as a result of not having the courage to even say so much as hello to a girl I became increasingly obsessed with. After graduation, I spent about five years at home (my parents' home) surfing the internet. Eventually, I got really lucky and met someone (online) who is very awesome, and who I currently live with, but she is not equipped to defeat my anxiety problems for me. I'm about to turn 30 now, I'm poor, and I have no work experience to speak of, not to mention the fact that I am terrified to apply for a job. As it turns out, thanks to my college degree, I am over-qualified and under-experienced for most positions.
Anyway, with my friend's help, I finally tried therapy for a year and a half; it didn't work. And I can't afford to keep it up indefinitely. I tried various medications over a period of six months until I got fed up with playing "mad science" with my own body. Nothing helped. At all. I probably didn't give it enough time to find the right "chemical cocktail" but I'm the kind of person who dislikes even taking medicine for colds if I can avoid it. I only tried it because I was that desperate. If there were a pill I knew would significantly reduce my social anxiety, I would gladly take it. But the thought of trying countless different chemicals, all with their own side effects, makes me feel incredibly anxious.
I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to turn to, I'd be scared to do it if I did, and I know also that if I did, I'd be forced to do things that are really uncomfortable in the process of getting over it. I'm really good at avoiding things I don't want to do. And how the hell is a person with social phobia supposed to make an appointment over the phone (I have a specific fear of telephones on top of everything else) to meet with a complete stranger anyway? It's like they don't have any sympathy (or understanding) at all for my condition, and that makes me very pessimistic about their supposed ability to help me. I mean, you know how many buildings these days are equipped with handicap ramps? Well, where's the social phobics' entrance?
I'm wasting my life away. I was born into a good family with enough money. But I don't want to rely on other people for the rest of my life. I'm smart, and I'm ambitious, and I'm motivated to accomplish great things in the world. But not enough to actually overcome my fears and do them. Because my fears are really strong, and perhaps more poignantly, I have a really effectively avoidant personality, and I just don't know how to overcome it. It's not like I couldn't manage to talk myself into actually doing any of the things I'm scared of. But, even if I did - and I have in the past, so I know - it doesn't change my being scared of doing them. I could force myself to be just like everyone else, but I'd be constantly hounded by so much fear and anxiety, I don't see how it would be worth it. So instead I choose to hide away, where it's comfortable. But not fulfilling. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my life to be like this. But I don't know what to do about it, and most importantly, I don't know that I even believe that anything can be done about it. This anxiety is who I am. It's the way I've always been. I know that real progress can't be made before I believe that it's possible, but is it too much to ask for somebody to try to convince me that I'm wrong in thinking that there's no hope for me?
Edit: And yeah, I joined this site four years ago and this is the first time I'm actually posting. :-(
Anyway, with my friend's help, I finally tried therapy for a year and a half; it didn't work. And I can't afford to keep it up indefinitely. I tried various medications over a period of six months until I got fed up with playing "mad science" with my own body. Nothing helped. At all. I probably didn't give it enough time to find the right "chemical cocktail" but I'm the kind of person who dislikes even taking medicine for colds if I can avoid it. I only tried it because I was that desperate. If there were a pill I knew would significantly reduce my social anxiety, I would gladly take it. But the thought of trying countless different chemicals, all with their own side effects, makes me feel incredibly anxious.
I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to turn to, I'd be scared to do it if I did, and I know also that if I did, I'd be forced to do things that are really uncomfortable in the process of getting over it. I'm really good at avoiding things I don't want to do. And how the hell is a person with social phobia supposed to make an appointment over the phone (I have a specific fear of telephones on top of everything else) to meet with a complete stranger anyway? It's like they don't have any sympathy (or understanding) at all for my condition, and that makes me very pessimistic about their supposed ability to help me. I mean, you know how many buildings these days are equipped with handicap ramps? Well, where's the social phobics' entrance?
I'm wasting my life away. I was born into a good family with enough money. But I don't want to rely on other people for the rest of my life. I'm smart, and I'm ambitious, and I'm motivated to accomplish great things in the world. But not enough to actually overcome my fears and do them. Because my fears are really strong, and perhaps more poignantly, I have a really effectively avoidant personality, and I just don't know how to overcome it. It's not like I couldn't manage to talk myself into actually doing any of the things I'm scared of. But, even if I did - and I have in the past, so I know - it doesn't change my being scared of doing them. I could force myself to be just like everyone else, but I'd be constantly hounded by so much fear and anxiety, I don't see how it would be worth it. So instead I choose to hide away, where it's comfortable. But not fulfilling. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my life to be like this. But I don't know what to do about it, and most importantly, I don't know that I even believe that anything can be done about it. This anxiety is who I am. It's the way I've always been. I know that real progress can't be made before I believe that it's possible, but is it too much to ask for somebody to try to convince me that I'm wrong in thinking that there's no hope for me?
Edit: And yeah, I joined this site four years ago and this is the first time I'm actually posting. :-(