Is there hope for me?

[zashiki-warashi]

Social anxiety has plagued me all my life. I had few friends in school, I never raised my hand in class, and I rarely attended social functions outside of school. I was really smart, though. I went to college, and suffered from depression as a result of not having the courage to even say so much as hello to a girl I became increasingly obsessed with. After graduation, I spent about five years at home (my parents' home) surfing the internet. Eventually, I got really lucky and met someone (online) who is very awesome, and who I currently live with, but she is not equipped to defeat my anxiety problems for me. I'm about to turn 30 now, I'm poor, and I have no work experience to speak of, not to mention the fact that I am terrified to apply for a job. As it turns out, thanks to my college degree, I am over-qualified and under-experienced for most positions.

Anyway, with my friend's help, I finally tried therapy for a year and a half; it didn't work. And I can't afford to keep it up indefinitely. I tried various medications over a period of six months until I got fed up with playing "mad science" with my own body. Nothing helped. At all. I probably didn't give it enough time to find the right "chemical cocktail" but I'm the kind of person who dislikes even taking medicine for colds if I can avoid it. I only tried it because I was that desperate. If there were a pill I knew would significantly reduce my social anxiety, I would gladly take it. But the thought of trying countless different chemicals, all with their own side effects, makes me feel incredibly anxious.

I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to turn to, I'd be scared to do it if I did, and I know also that if I did, I'd be forced to do things that are really uncomfortable in the process of getting over it. I'm really good at avoiding things I don't want to do. And how the hell is a person with social phobia supposed to make an appointment over the phone (I have a specific fear of telephones on top of everything else) to meet with a complete stranger anyway? It's like they don't have any sympathy (or understanding) at all for my condition, and that makes me very pessimistic about their supposed ability to help me. I mean, you know how many buildings these days are equipped with handicap ramps? Well, where's the social phobics' entrance?

I'm wasting my life away. I was born into a good family with enough money. But I don't want to rely on other people for the rest of my life. I'm smart, and I'm ambitious, and I'm motivated to accomplish great things in the world. But not enough to actually overcome my fears and do them. Because my fears are really strong, and perhaps more poignantly, I have a really effectively avoidant personality, and I just don't know how to overcome it. It's not like I couldn't manage to talk myself into actually doing any of the things I'm scared of. But, even if I did - and I have in the past, so I know - it doesn't change my being scared of doing them. I could force myself to be just like everyone else, but I'd be constantly hounded by so much fear and anxiety, I don't see how it would be worth it. So instead I choose to hide away, where it's comfortable. But not fulfilling. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my life to be like this. But I don't know what to do about it, and most importantly, I don't know that I even believe that anything can be done about it. This anxiety is who I am. It's the way I've always been. I know that real progress can't be made before I believe that it's possible, but is it too much to ask for somebody to try to convince me that I'm wrong in thinking that there's no hope for me?

Edit: And yeah, I joined this site four years ago and this is the first time I'm actually posting. :-(

 

[jaim38]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

Like you, I've been through despair many times. I haven't found a purpose for living and it feels like I'm just wandering through the ocean of life. Nothing really motivates me; I've been told to pursue eudaimonic well-being over hedonistic well-being, but working with people really drains me. Until I find motivation for living, I will continue to languish in this depressive cesspool.

This semester will be my last in college before I graduate, but after hearing from many people about being over-qualified for jobs, I'm not sure if I want to finish anymore. I chose to go to college because I thought it would help me find a job. They haven't given me financial aid yet, and there's still time to drop out.

You said you're ambitious and want to accomplish great things in the world. I think that's step 1. At least you know what you want in this world. Aside from escaping from the world, I don't know what else I want so there's nothing to motivate me.

 

[MikeyC]

I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to turn to, I'd be scared to do it if I did, and I know also that if I did, I'd be forced to do things that are really uncomfortable in the process of getting over it. I'm really good at avoiding things I don't want to do. And how the hell is a person with social phobia supposed to make an appointment over the phone (I have a specific fear of telephones on top of everything else) to meet with a complete stranger anyway? It's like they don't have any sympathy (or understanding) at all for my condition, and that makes me very pessimistic about their supposed ability to help me. I mean, you know how many buildings these days are equipped with handicap ramps? Well, where's the social phobics' entrance?

This paragraph struck me.

You've been to psychologists and doctors, so you do know who to turn to. Not all psychologists are exactly the same - they are all people, too - so you have to find one that you click with, and who are compassionate and understanding of what you're going through.

Yes, doing things that are uncomfortable are part of the healing process. Nobody wants to suffer, but that's the nature of the beast. To lose weight, you have to put your body through suffering (i.e. not eating junk food, exercising more vigorously and frequently) before you see results. It's the same with your mental health: you have to push yourself into situations where you are uncomfortable. Avoiding things, while natural to you, is not going to magically make you overcome the fear of it. You don't learn to swim by avoiding the pool - you have to get in and face it! Your psychologist will be there to guide you through (if you choose to see one), so you're not doing it alone.

Calling a psychologist to begin therapy is not unsympathetic - it's life. How else are you supposed to start? Perhaps some have websites to book sessions, but the ones that don't you either have to call or go to the office. There's really no other way.

My personal opinion is that you should keep persisting with therapy. You appear to be at the end of your rope with yourself, and that you want to get some help from somewhere. Doing nothing and avoiding everything is going to get you nowhere, and you don't want that because you say you're tired of living this way, so what have you got to lose?

The world is big - get out there and see some of it! :thumbup:

 

[nicole1]

I can totally relate. I hate my life so far...because I'm in the same boat.

There are state and city programs for people who are poor and need help. That's what I'm trying to do now.

 

[Diend]

Im surprised at how afraid i am of social interaction and some remedies I've tried were to look nice, use alcohol and workout. I remember during my lowest moments, someone told me the same advice but i did not want to do any of it. Then, i would suggest you get some sleep if you can. If you're too anxious to sleep, use medical marijuana. Everyone keeps saying that healing comes gradually, but personally, it seems that in order for me to even begin, i need to be in the right mindset. Now when i feel down, i think fatalistic thoughts and i would do anything to get my mind out of that groove. Usually, alcohol does the job. Some shots and a beer works for me. People say alcohol is not the answer, but it is the short term solution that will open the gateway to longterm healing. Because if you're so down that you cant even begin the healing process, it is best to get to that temporary high and then tackle the issue at hand.

 

[zashiki-warashi]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

Hello. Thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry that you haven't found a purpose for living (yet?). That's the thing, I feel like I do have a purpose for living, and I can get excited about things, but then my social anxiety is always there to act as an obstacle, keeping me from realizing my full potential. I really want to get rid of that obstacle, but it's proving to be immensely stubborn.

Even though my college degree has done diddly squat for my job prospects, I'm still glad I saw it through. I know it sounds cliche, but it gives me confidence to know that college was a challenge I was able to overcome.

 

[zashiki-warashi]

You've been to psychologists and doctors, so you do know who to turn to. Not all psychologists are exactly the same - they are all people, too - so you have to find one that you click with, and who are compassionate and understanding of what you're going through.

Yeah, but I've turned to them twice now, and I haven't found the solution. How many will I have to turn to until I find something that works? Turning to one is hard enough, knowing that I may have to turn to a bunch in the future makes it that much harder for me to voluntarily initiate the process. I mean, "interviewing doctors" is a process that I can imagine an outgoing extravert accomplishing. I'm a shy, introverted recluse. You might as well ask me to shoot myself in the foot. I might be more inclined to do that instead.

Yes, doing things that are uncomfortable are part of the healing process.

I do understand this, but it feels different. I mean, if I want to get into shape, I know it's not easy to push your body to do things, like getting exercise. But I do it anyway, because the cost is simply being uncomfortable. With my anxiety, it feels like it's not just a matter of being uncomfortable, but being in a state of extreme, unbearable discomfort. If it weren't such a big deal for me to push myself into that state on a longterm basis, then I wouldn't need much help, would I? It feels like a catch-22.

Calling a psychologist to begin therapy is not unsympathetic - it's life. How else are you supposed to start? Perhaps some have websites to book sessions, but the ones that don't you either have to call or go to the office. There's really no other way.

In the back of my mind, a part of me believes this. But it still seems unsympathetic. I know it's just life that if you have a problem and you need someone to help you, you have to ask them. But if your problem is, say, having leaky pipes, then you just have to ask someone and get the problem fixed. If the problem is, however, being able to ask people for help, then that's a pretty serious deal, and if there were people out there who were really serious about helping people who have this condition, they would understand how important it is to go out of their way to make the initiation process less painful. I just can't imagine how many people there are in this world, like me, who haven't gotten help because they're scared to. This problem has affected my quality of life for as long as I can remember, and I didn't get help until I was something like 26 years old. And I had reached the point that I knew I needed professional help several years earlier, but it took me that long to go through with it, and in the end, the only reason I was able was because I found someone I was able to communicate my problem to, and they helped me take that extremely uncomfortable step.

I don't know what the logistics of a social-phobic approach would look like, but I do believe it's worth thinking about. I read about a program in Japan designed to help hikikomoris, which utilized women acting in a "big sister" capacity to gently interface with the hikikomori (social recluse), and nudge them, bit by bit, into coming out of their shell. I don't know how effective it is, but I feel that's an immensely more sensitive approach than expecting a social phobic to pick up a phone and book himself an appointment in a strange building with strange people, where he knows he's going to be expected to put himself through some very uncomfortable situations. I know, again, that you have to be willing to be uncomfortable if you want to overcome your problems, but I just think that maybe it could have less of a steep entry. How many people avoid getting the help they need for that reason?

My personal opinion is that you should keep persisting with therapy.

I think that's probably a good idea. I don't really see how it could hurt. Except the problem is, I'm not made of money. Therapy is expensive, and my problem puts me in a position where I can't even afford to pay my own living expenses.

what have you got to lose?

My own comfort. I know, it's a balance between being comfortable and unfulfilled, and getting out there and making the most of my life. But if I were absolutely miserable where I am now, it would be a lot easier to justify making myself uncomfortable to get better. I know it probably means I value my comfort more than my dreams (isn't that kind of the point), but there's still the part of me says, "I can't accept this." But yes, I do have a lot to lose. In the long run, I believe I have a whole lot more to gain. But that's assuming there's hope that I could ever get better. At this stage, I'm not convinced that's even possible. Therefore, I could put myself through all of this discomfort, and in the end, no get anywhere. So then why should I be motivated to do it? I mean, it's not like I don't push myself to do uncomfortable things now. I have all my life, just because every now and then you have no choice. And yet, I still have this anxiety. So why should I believe that a therapist or a doctor or whatever is going to be able to help me?

Thanks for the advice, though.

 

[zashiki-warashi]

There are state and city programs for people who are poor and need help. That's what I'm trying to do now.

I hope it works out for you. I actually tried this. My results were less than stellar. I have a suspicion that it's the old adage "you get what you pay for". The people who were helping me "for charity" didn't seem like they were very good at what they did, and they didn't seem all that dedicated to getting it right for me.

 

[zashiki-warashi]

People say alcohol is not the answer, but it is the short term solution that will open the gateway to longterm healing.

I have considered drinking as a solution (or semi-solution) to my problems. Trouble is, I don't drink. At all. And I kind of prefer not to. I don't smoke, I don't take any drugs. Even though I live a pretty sedentary life, for the past couple years, I've gotten into the habit of getting regular daily exercise. Even cutting back on caffeine. And I sleep really well, and regularly.

None of that has made a dent in my anxiety and patterns of avoidant behavior.

Everyone keeps saying that healing comes gradually

See, I don't understand it. I try and I try to fight my anxiety. It's been years. And I don't feel like I'm making progress. Maybe I'm not doing the right things, but...how do you even know what the right things are? My therapist told me that my social anxiety was something that I would never be rid of, but it was something I could learn to manage. Well, I don't want to manage it. I can force myself to do things that are uncomfortable. The problem is that when so many things are so uncomfortable, I have no desire to make myself constantly uncomfortable just to get through life. I don't want to deal with my anxiety, I want to get rid of it, so that living isn't a case of me "shouldering on" and being brave, constantly standing up to my fears. I don't want to be afraid in the first place, so I can just go out and live, without fear.

Another thing my therapist told me was that every experience I have in fighting my anxiety, is like a coin in the piggy bank, and the more I save, the easier it will be. I liked that thought, but how many coins does it take? I've been struggling for near thirty years of my life. How long does it have to take?

 

[Bo592]

but how many coins does it take? I've been struggling for near thirty years of my life. How long does it have to take?

well the coins do fall out if you take to much time off then you have to keep deposit the same amount of effort in. I know this because I am back and forth myself one day I am able to go outside like it nothing then anther day I can`t . The more I put off the harder it get for me to go back out again.

 

[mismeek]

6 months is definitely not long enough to know if meds work.. it takes a month or so just for it to change your brain chemicals. Maybe you should try them again and stick with one for awhile. Youre not going to see a big change in 3 weeks but you might in a few months

 

[zashiki-warashi]

well the coins do fall out if you take to much time off then you have to keep deposit the same amount of effort in. I know this because I am back and forth myself one day I am able to go outside like it nothing then anther day I can`t . The more I put off the harder it get for me to go back out again.

Yes, I think that's true. But even when I was in the thick of it, dealing with my anxieties daily, just trying to stay afloat, it wasn't easy then, either. I forced myself to do things then, and I know I could force myself again now, but I don't see what the point is, because forcing myself out there just puts me in more situations that make me uncomfortable, and being in those situations in the past hasn't demonstrated that they become any easier. I don't want the strength to continue to fight, because then I'd still be miserable. I want to find a way to make the fear go away, so I don't have to fight, I can just live, like everyone else.

6 months is definitely not long enough to know if meds work.. it takes a month or so just for it to change your brain chemicals. Maybe you should try them again and stick with one for awhile. Youre not going to see a big change in 3 weeks but you might in a few months

Two of the three meds I took I couldn't stand for more than a week or two. My body just did not tolerate them. The other one wasn't so bad, and I took it for at least a month, but it did not reduce my anxiety at all, and I did not like what it was doing to my emotions and my self-control. I really don't relish the thought of trying a bunch more chemical cocktails, all of them with various effects on my mind and body, some of those being unbearable, not knowing until I've tried which is the right one. That whole 6 month period I was trying these different meds, I didn't feel like myself. I was depressed more than usual. And I totally lost my creativity, which is a huge part of who I am. I do not want to endure another X months of physiological and psychological quagmire. I know that, if it's the only way to cure my anxiety, then it's probably worth it. But at this stage, I'm not even convinced that there's a drug out there that can make me feel "normal", in the sense of not being crippled with anxiety, and not having any other side effects that are too serious to deal with.

Zashiki, Take it each step at a time.

Thank you. But how long do I have to take it one step at a time? How many steps does it take? I really don't feel like I'm making progress, I just feel that it's a constant struggle against a problem that is not going away, and not getting any better. And it's really frustrating, because I know I could be doing great things with my life, but this problem is keeping me trapped, and as strong as I may be, I just can't seem to beat it.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm kind of in the same boat, just a few years older. I have given up i think, on all conventional therapy & medicine. Did use alcohol for many years as self-medication (as the pills ween't enough). Now i'm looking into all manner of alternative, new-age, breakthrough, etc, methods out there (as well as some ancient "old-age" things as well). Anything but modern, conventional medicine. And certainly my own efforts have been all in vain, over the past 20/so years. And for the first time ever really, i am feeling some real sense of HOPE. I just cross my fingers that my depression doesn't get too bad now or in the near future (in case it all becomes too much to bear any longer), that i have the energy to try out some of these thing properly, and of course the hope that one or two of these methods may indeed work for me in practice! (for a change).