Is it just me?

emre43

emre43

Well-known member
I am a male and adore women just as much as the next guy. However, I have damaged myself possibly permanently, and I was wondering if I am the only one in this situation.

I find myself physically attracted to many women but I have always felt disrespectful when thinking of them sexually and when sexual thoughts/fantasies enter my mind I try to block them out. It has got to the point where I never get any sexual thoughts/fantasies at all and I have completely lost my libido. If I try to create my own sexual thoughts in my head I have to really concentrate and they won't be very vivid and I can't keep it up.

I was wondering if anybody else has had this problem or whether it is just me? That you respect women/men (whatever the case may be) so much that you refuse to think of them in a sexual way and has ended up damaging you in the long run? I can't help but feel that I am the only one.
 
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antihistamine

antihistamine

Banned
I replied to something similar on another thread about a shy guy losing his libido recently.
For me (I am ashamed to say) the more I respect and love a woman as a human being, the less I want to have sex with them. This affects my current relationship which I'd prefer not to go into.
I've never had a healthy attitude to sex. It's always that I've associated it with being wicked and something you enjoy with raunchy, promiscuous women. My religious upbringing (strict) has played a part I'm sure. The more secretive sex is, the more of a turn on it is for me. Oh god...I never thought I could write so candidly about something like this!!! I've certainly never spoken about it before!
 
planemo

planemo

Well-known member
For me (I am ashamed to say) the more I respect and love a woman as a human being, the less I want to have sex with them
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I'm the same and i don't think you should be ashamed. I had a very strict upbringing myself, so i suppose it might have something to do with it. it just feels wrong for me to think of someone i actually love in that way.
 
A

Agent_Violet

Well-known member
Well, it could be likened to a man losing his libido after his wife gives birth to their child...he doesn't see her as a sexual being anymore...he sees her as the mother of his child and doesn't want to "degrade" her by being sexual with her.

Same thing really. When you have so much respect and love for a person and you were taught that sex is not a beautiful thing...well then you don't want to associate them with sex in your mind. However, if you were taught that sex is natural and beautiful then you'd have no problem having fantasies about the target of your respect and admiration.
 
Sora

Sora

Well-known member
WATTTT
I don't understand this at all! How is having sex or the thoughts of wanting to do these things with a woman meaning you don't respect them? Am I completely misunderstanding this?

I have thoughts of doing sexual things with women all the time, even women who are just friends lol, you can't help attraction so I don't fight it, just keep it to myself or tell them about if if I think they will find it funny or if I know they are into me then I won't tell them I will either make a move or do nothing depending on if I like them lol.

I really don't understand this post, how is it a bad thing? I think it's a good thing and healthy to have these thoughts. For instance I loved and respected my girl friend when I had one, I had sex with her and I never once felt like I didn't respect her, quite the opposite!

Is this just me that thinks this way? :S
Hope you can fix your problem and like it all again, I honestly think you need to embrace it when you like someone...otherwise what is the point ya know?
 
razzle dazzle rose

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
Sora said:
WATTTT
I don't understand this at all! How is having sex or the thoughts of wanting to do these things with a woman meaning you don't respect them? Am I completely misunderstanding this?

I really don't understand this post, how is it a bad thing? I think it's a good thing and healthy to have these thoughts. For instance I loved and respected my girl friend when I had one, I had sex with her and I never once felt like I didn't respect her, quite the opposite!
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It is called the "madonna-whore complex" and many men suffer from it.

I discussed this in another thread in much more detail, so I won't say more here; I'll just say that this behavior in men is incredibly frustrating.
 
Sora

Sora

Well-known member
razzle dazzle rose said:
It is called the "madonna-whore complex" and many men suffer from it.

I discussed this in another thread in much more detail, so I won't say more here; I'll just say that this behavior in men is incredibly frustrating.
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Can you link me to this thread? I really don't understand this way of thinking I would like to see what you have said :) (or if you can not, did you start the thread yourself? thread title etc, anything to make me find it).
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
razzle dazzle rose said:
It is called the "madonna-whore complex" and many men suffer from it.

I discussed this in another thread in much more detail, so I won't say more here; I'll just say that this behavior in men is incredibly frustrating.
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Wow! I had never heard of that before. Why do only men get it? When you say this behaviour in men is incredibly frustrating do you mean it is frustrating for the man or the woman? Because it isn't pleasant for us men either. There is a girl who I really like both personality-wise and physically but I just don't think of her sexually. I really do want to now after finding out about this but I don't know how.
 
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awkwardamanda

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
I can relate. Long story short here, there was a guy I had a huge crush on when I was in university. I hardly knew him because I'm so damn shy and I was too nervous to really talk to him. Pathetically enough, I've been out of school for a while, but I still can't get him off my mind. I feel guilty for having sexual fantasies about him because I feel like it's disrespectful. This is a guy who was no more than an acquaintance and had no idea how I felt about him. I feel like it's wrong somehow, and yet I do it anyway. I know damn well everyone does. It's normal to fantasize but I still feel guilty for it. I have to look at it from the other perspective. If I found out someone I didn't know or wasn't interested in was thinking about me that way, I'd probably be weirded out.

I have a low sex drive anyway, which is probably for the better because it mean less of wanting something I can't have anyway. I think it has a lot to do with just feeling depressed. I feel unworthy of affection sometimes. But I was sexually abused when I was a kid so that really messed me up too. Part of the reason behind my social anxiety. I will probably never have a normal healthy attitude toward sex. I'm just damaged.
 
this_portrait

this_portrait

Well-known member
If I have sexual fantasies about a guy I'm attracted to, I don't feel guilty over it because I feel it's disrespectful. I'll feel guilty over it because I feel like I'm getting my hopes up and that it won't happen, anyway. So I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment by fantasizing.

I also have this issue with the guys I fantasize about knowing that I'm fantasizing about them. I feel that if they know about it, then they'll think I want to actually have sex with them (and I may, but only after getting to know them a lot more) and therefore think I'm "easy," "dirty," or worse yet, "a slut," for thinking that way.

Those are really my only issues I have when it comes to sexual fantasies. They're not so bad that I can't fantasize, but I try to keep them to myself.
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
Funny, in the past I also losed my libido because I felt like an idiot thinking about sex. It´s because I am raised in a family who isn´t openly about intimicy.

Also when I thought about it, I felt like ew sas you shouldn´t think about such fantasies, it´s weird.

And it´s wrong to talk about it, and most caused by my bad experience with a guy. Traumatic.


But I try to open up my mind to it since i´m almost 20 years old and it´s totally a normal discussion in society, although the world could be a little bit more open to it! we´re like all so ashamed of talking about it.

I´m getting more used to it. and talk about it.... even if it seems weird to others, i dare to speak about it now.

it´s one of the most normal human things in the world... everybody wants it, except for asexuals.....

Oh and fantasies..... You create them, you have them in your mind, so you don´t bother anyone with it. Just let your fantasy play dude
and maybe you will find the partner who likes it as well...

But there is nothing wrong with it at all
 
E

Etbow23

Well-known member
emre43 said:
I was wondering if anybody else has had this problem or whether it is just me? That you respect women/men (whatever the case may be) so much that you refuse to think of them in a sexual way and has ended up damaging you in the long run? I can't help but feel that I am the only one.
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I used to have some similar issues when I was younger (but in a different way, too complicated to explain here)...but no way do I feel that way about my partner. I don't feel like I'm disrespecting my boyfriend by touching him. I have other complexes about sex in general, but not in this way. I think that part of my relationship is how respectful we are to each other when being intimate. That's a big part...sex can be disrespectful but if you love someone and they respect you while you are sharing that part of yourself with them, I think that's a big part of the relationship. After all, it's a private part of yourself that deserves respect.

Nonetheless if you respect your partner, you would have sex with her . Because otherwise you're basically saying she can't have sex because otherwise she's just a prostitute or something.

razzle dazzle rose said:
It is called the "madonna-whore complex" and many men suffer from it.

I discussed this in another thread in much more detail, so I won't say more here; I'll just say that this behavior in men is incredibly frustrating.
Click to expand...

Interesting! I've known about this issue but didn't know it had a name! I agree that it's ridiculous--ridiculous that some people think that if a woman's sexual, she automatically a whore to be abused.

Saskia said:
Funny, in the past I also losed my libido because I felt like an idiot thinking about sex. It´s because I am raised in a family who isn´t openly about intimicy.

Also when I thought about it, I felt like ew sas you shouldn´t think about such fantasies, it´s weird.

And it´s wrong to talk about it, and most caused by my bad experience with a guy. Traumatic.


But I try to open up my mind to it since i´m almost 20 years old and it´s totally a normal discussion in society, although the world could be a little bit more open to it! we´re like all so ashamed of talking about it.

I´m getting more used to it. and talk about it.... even if it seems weird to others, i dare to speak about it now.

it´s one of the most normal human things in the world... everybody wants it, except for asexuals.....

Oh and fantasies..... You create them, you have them in your mind, so you don´t bother anyone with it. Just let your fantasy play dude
and maybe you will find the partner who likes it as well...

But there is nothing wrong with it at all
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I have some of your same issues...to this day, my mother will not speak about sex. In fact, even typing it here makes me uncomfortable because I was raised never to speak of it. I too had a ...traumatic experience...that's affected my viewpoint on sex. But now I've been in the same relationship with someone for over 2 yrs and I feel that part of our relationship is our sexual life, well how we respect each other in that way. I don't know if i'm making sense. ehh anyways
 
antihistamine

antihistamine

Banned
Etbow23 said:
I used to have some similar issues when I was younger (but in a different way, too complicated to explain here)...but no way do I feel that way about my partner. I don't feel like I'm disrespecting my boyfriend by touching him. I have other complexes about sex in general, but not in this way. I think that part of my relationship is how respectful we are to each other when being intimate. That's a big part...sex can be disrespectful but if you love someone and they respect you while you are sharing that part of yourself with them, I think that's a big part of the relationship. After all, it's a private part of yourself that deserves respect.

Nonetheless if you respect your partner, you would have sex with her . Because otherwise you're basically saying she can't have sex because otherwise she's just a prostitute or something.



Interesting! I've known about this issue but didn't know it had a name! I agree that it's ridiculous--ridiculous that some people think that if a woman's sexual, she automatically a whore to be abused.
I have some of your same issues...to this day, my mother will not speak about sex. In fact, even typing it here makes me uncomfortable because I was raised never to speak of it. I too had a ...traumatic experience...that's affected my viewpoint on sex. But now I've been in the same relationship with someone for over 2 yrs and I feel that part of our relationship is our sexual life, well how we respect each other in that way. I don't know if i'm making sense. ehh anyways
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The assumption you have made here is that guys who have this complex want to misstreat (abuse) women who look more experienced in sex.(not necessarily prostitutes either!!) I .have never treated any woman badly.
This is not the case. They simply feel more relaxed (less guilty) and more stimulated by provocative dress the woman is wearing. It's more a psychological thing where I compartmentalise two types of woman......one who enjoys sex( in all its various forms! including oral sex) and a virginal type who has no experience. In fact this complex is very old-fashioned now because women in regular relationships are not averse to oral sex. Men could never expect such a thing from their wife in a marriage several years ago (especially a strict Christian one)
 
razzle dazzle rose

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
emre43 said:
Why do only men get it? When you say this behaviour in men is incredibly frustrating do you mean it is frustrating for the man or the woman? Because it isn't pleasant for us men either.
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Yes, this affects women of course. A woman is afraid to express herself sexually for fear of being branded a slut which is like the worst thing a woman can be called. A woman who wants to be seen as a "good girl" may repress her sexual desires and have trouble seeing herself as a sexual being. When she does express herself sexually, she will suffer with guilt after. She will feel dirty. It is all very confusing to her. As you can see, this can be a big problem for us.

I have played both roles. I have been the "virgin". And I have been the "whore". Neither quite fits because I am human, I am real. I am not a statue. I have feelings and urges and it doesn't make me good or bad. A man who loves me who doesn't want to have sex with me or hesitates to engage in certain sex acts is saying that if I want to do those things it must mean I am a dirty bad whore and he doesn't want a dirty bad whore as a girlfriend. There is a battle going on in his head: he doesn't know in which category to place me in, and I can only be one or the other, so which is it? I will always lose that battle. My biggest worry with that is that this man would seek to have sex with someone else, like an actual prostitute, and cheat on me when I am very willing and wanting to engage in those sex acts. See why this is a problem and why it is frustrating? Sex is a big component in a relationship and very important to me, as it is to many women, and yes, I am a woman and not a man. So, would you call me a slut?

There is a girl who I really like both personality-wise and physically but I just don't think of her sexually. I really do want to now after finding out about this but I don't know how.
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You have to dig deep and find out why you feel this way. You will have to challenge your beliefs. You will have to blend the virgin and whore images you have in your head, and see this girl as a sexual being as you yourself are. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe a therapist can help you with this.
 
razzle dazzle rose

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
antihistamine said:
It's more a psychological thing where I compartmentalise two types of woman......one who enjoys sex( in all its various forms! including oral sex) and a virginal type who has no experience.
Click to expand...

I was specifically referring to oral sex in my post above. There are no two types of women. Just as there are no two types of men either. The world is not black and white. See the shades of gray. You will be happier once you do.
 
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