I think i am destined to be single for all my life

[SingleAloneForever]

Don't worry, there's always going to be somebody for everyone, at least that's the rule. However there are exceptions to that rule, and I am that one exception.

I am 27, never been on a date, never had a partner, still a virgin. All around me my friends are getting married, their wives are expecting babies, they are starting their own families. Me, I've got nobody but myself. As always.

Now I've always been really shy, for as long as I can remember. Actually I probably wasn't too bad between the ages of 6 - 12, it wasn't until the age of 13 when I started highschool that I got really, really shy.

Have trouble sleeping, always thoughts keeping me awake. Questioning why it has to be like this. Out of highschool, I am the onle one out of my 150 or so classmates that is still single. Even classmates that I thought would have a harder time than me, actually managed to find somebody. I used to think that because girls never asked me out at high school, or showed any interest in me was because we were all class mates, and that I'd find somebody sometime after that. Boy was I wrong.

I will go out and socialise on occasion. But now when I do go out I just hang with my own group of friends, I will never again try to talk to a woman out at pubs or clubs. It just ends badly. I don't know what it is, I'm assuming my ugly appearance must terrify them beyond belief. Most of the time I used to try to chat up women, they would tell me in no uncertain terms to go away. That's fine, I don't have a problem with that. However, a few would get so disgusted that I'd approached them that they would throw alcohol over me. The last time that I ever tried chatting a girl up went horribly wrong, she got so completely terrified that she went to the security staff and told them that I'd sexually assaulted her.

Long story short they got the police involved and I was arrested, which wasn't something that I needed at that point, especially since the only thing I did wrong was try to chat up somebody clearly out of my league. The police questioned the girl, who thankfully admitted that I hadn't done anything to her, besides her getting scared when I tried talking to her, and I was released without charge.

All this talk from people who reckon the easiest way to meet somebody is to chat up drunk girls at pubs, must only work for people who are not as ugly as me, because it's been incredibly difficult. I've even tried chatting up girls while sober at pubs, with the same results, so I don't think that I've been rejected because I've had too much to drink, or anything like that.

I also stupidly used to believe in fate. Well I do not any more. When I used to work a couple of years ago at a Petrol Service Station, I had a customer fill up her car. She was a very attractive girl, and I noticed that her car's license plate, were my exact initials. So me being the idiot that I am, try to say something clever, and I'd said something like "Your license plate is my exact initials, surely that must be a sign."

It didn't go down very well, and she seemed to get really frightened and upset that I'd even tried to say anything. Then she got quite mean, and asked me if I was single. When I told her that I was, she replied with "Good. Get used to that, because you're going to die alone."

That's when it hit me. I'd had a few girls say things like that to me at the pubs, but I'd never really attached too much importance onto it. When this girl said it to me, I'd realised that this was going to be true, and that I would be dying single, alone and very lonely. That was about three years ago, and I still have trouble sometimes getting over it.

Anyway just glad to vent and get that off my chest. Probably helps me a little but getting it out and not just keeping it bottled up. I've never told my family or friends about this, because I don't know if I can.

Please, this is my first time on this site, so don't be too harsh.

 

[doesit]

Singlealoneforever you made few good points there,im 23 and never had a gf or a relationship.And lets say if i would go out to the pubs or clubs,i would just stay with my group and wouldnt try any attempt at meeting girls or trying to chat (unless really drunk) , and not so long at work i was speaking with one of the girls and she said that her friend is into me,but i just changed topic and carried on.Now it doesnt make any sence since i would love to have someone beside me,but i think since u get used to live alone,u become affraid of change to happen.Its like u have your own small world where u feel comfortable and get used to live and the only sacrifice u make is not let someone other in your life.I hope this makes sence for some of u

 

[Nicholas]

I am another one like you guys, and I'm 24, and this is the first time I have ever admitted it to anyone or anywhere. I believe our situation is called "Involuntary Celibacy".

The thing is, if I am going to be pessimistic, I know I won't ever solve anything, and my nightmare will really come true. I know I have to react, and that's what I am doing.
Right now I a girlfriend would be something... impossible. I have too many problems. So first I need to fix my life, my self-esteem, SA, anxiety. And if I am optimistic and I try hard, I know I will do it, yeah. I have to, because I want it. Then, my lack of experience won't be a big problem, because if I fix my life I think there will be some girl who will like me for the way I am. And this is the positive side.

On the other hand, there is the VERY negative side. My severe hyperhidrosis, mainly facial. The only hope I have is that I hope it's psychological and I find a way to get rid of it... but that's just a hypothesis. It could well be that I won't be able to solve it, and it will get worse too (it is already getting worse). And how can you be optimistic about that? I mean, CBT teaches you that you have irrational negative thoughts... but how many girls would like someone with severe hyperhidrosis, how can't even stay in the sun without turning into a fountain in five minutes? In the sun, in a club, wherever it's hot? I would tell the therapist, "Ok, gimme the statistics, how many girls would like that? 0.01%? So is my belief still irrational, you douchebag?"
And on top of that, I am afraid of bad luck, which gets more and more likely as I get older. Bad luck means that the older I am, the more difficult it gets to find nice girls who are not already taken (often by jerks) and who could be interested in me. Maybe it won't be completely impossible, but it will probably be hard enough, so hard that it will only take a few "coincidences" and a bit of "bad luck" to miss the right chance. When the possibilities are just a few, the probability I'll fail gets higher.

And if I get too old before I do all this, I know I'll get seriously depressed, because I can't imagine my life without a girl to love and spend my life with.

 

[Argamemnon]

where are you guys hiding anyways?

all the guys i meet aren't modest in any way...

We are hiding at home, where else.

 

[Argamemnon]

If you are not confident it's possible that you will die alone. I think being nice, but lacking confidence, is much worse (i.e far less attractive) than being a confident abusive asshole. The majority of woman would choose the latter.

As long as you're confident and aren't butt ugly, you should not have a problem attracting females. You can be an asshole; that's not a problem or disadvantage at all (perhaps only at a later stage in the relationship).

 

[FOR REAL]

ive been single now for over 5 years and when i think back to when i had proper girlfriends, although i liked there company (and stuff!), i always felt relief when they went home!
i could then relax and be myself
i think im destined to be single/alone but not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing!

 

[Cynic]

if not everyone was meant for love and attraction to the opposite gender then that would make them gay

Most gays have their own partners too you know.

 

[Cynic]

there's always going to be somebody for everyone, at least that's the rule. However there are exceptions to that rule, and I am that one exception.

No you ain't. There are plenty of exceptions on this forum.

girls never asked me out at high school

As a rule, girls don't ask out guys, and the ones that do, tend to be the loud, in-your-face types. It is down to the guy to do the asking.

The last time that I ever tried chatting a girl up went horribly wrong, she got so completely terrified that she went to the security staff and told them that I'd sexually assaulted her.

You weren't an old looking guy in a dirty mac were you?

Long story short they got the police involved and I was arrested, which wasn't something that I needed at that point, especially since the only thing I did wrong was try to chat up somebody clearly out of my league. The police questioned the girl, who thankfully admitted that I hadn't done anything to her, besides her getting scared when I tried talking to her, and I was released without charge.

I hope she got charged with perjury, or whatever.

All this talk from people who reckon the easiest way to meet somebody is to chat up drunk girls at pubs, must only work for people who are not as ugly as me

Correct. It works for jocks, trendies, gang wallahs, i.e. "jerks". However, if you appear unattractive, it is a no-no, as some will accuse you off harrassment for having the cheek to think that you're worthy of them. It isn't by any means the first time I've heard of this sort of thing to happen.

I also stupidly used to believe in fate. Well I do not any more. When I used to work a couple of years ago at a Petrol Service Station, I had a customer fill up her car. She was a very attractive girl, and I noticed that her car's license plate, were my exact initials. So me being the idiot that I am, try to say something clever, and I'd said something like "Your license plate is my exact initials, surely that must be a sign."

It didn't go down very well, and she seemed to get really frightened and upset that I'd even tried to say anything. Then she got quite mean, and asked me if I was single. When I told her that I was, she replied with "Good. Get used to that, because you're going to die alone."

LMAO! Quality!!

 

[Kinetik]

Don't forget that sociable people often lead miserable lives too. It's not like being well-connected automatically ensures that you're well-liked and able to meet someone great. There are plenty of vapid, happy-go-lucky people out there who know tons of folks but are lonely all the same. That's because they're so busy broadening their social circles that they have very little one-on-one time with anyone, ie. no meaningful interactions to speak of. Sure, that shallow sort of carrying-on might work for them on some level, but deep down, people like this often don't feel fulfilled either. Sometimes it's the most beautiful people who are loneliest.

Anyway, I find that people like us tend to look into things a little deeper. I know that I much prefer getting to know someone intimately before becoming involved, whether in a friendship or relationship. Granted, it's fairly intense and it doesn't always work - lots of people are just looking for another face to say 'hi' to, but I do find that once I'm able to get talking to someone decent, something good will almost inevitably come of it. I've had reasonable success with women despite suffering from SA, and that's just from building a gradual foundation and getting to know them. As long as you don't move too fast or creep them out, you'll do fine.

Another point I want to bring up is the bar/club scene as a whole. I see a lot of people here commenting that they're no good in those sorts of environments. Well, let me emphasize that they are NOT the places to meet a partner. Tons of people (women especially) close off automatically when they're accosted in a nightclub-type setting just because it sets off all kinds of sketchy alarm bells. So in that sort of situation, the rejection has far less to do with who you are or how you handled it, and more to do with the fact that the ambiance as a whole is skeezy. That will almost certainly put up all kinds of barriers without you doing a thing wrong. So try to find innocuous places and non-threatening situations in which to meet people. I guarantee you'll have better luck and meet someone more compatible that way.

 

[PunkRotten]

I think it alot cause I am lonely now. But I cant tell the future. It would be nice to have someone, but I am accepting myself and the fact that if I dont get with someone, it doesnt mean I cant live a fullfilling life. I will be myself and try my best, I dont know what will happen, you never can tell with who or what is coming your way in life. But I am also accepting the chance I mgiht not ever be with someone. Its not as scary. I mean, I can still make others happy, doesnt mean I need sex/affection from them. I get satisfaction sometimes just making someone smile and laugh.

 

[Nicholas]

I used to think i'd be single forever as well, what with being agoraphobic, shy and other things. But i have met my soul mate on this site, it was totally unexpected, i wasn't looking to find someone, but i'm so glad i met him...so if i can do it, i know for sure other people can as well

Aww, lucky you! That's awesome, I'm happy for you.

As Nina09 said, there are several places where people like us might meet a special partner. I just hate that theory that goes like "Try to talk to girls in bars, in clubs, etc." I know I am not likely to meet my special partner in those places. That way you only look at physical appearance, and try to hook up with some you might not like at all, in terms of personality and interests.
For some reason I believe the best place by far is actually the internet. On the internet, you can always be yourself, you share ideas, thoughts and feelings, so it's the best way to understand someone's personality, and see if you actually might be interested, if someone's special, etc. The internet allows you to come into contact with several friends, and you have the chance to know them and possibly choose among them. Can you do the same in a nightclub? I'm afraid not. I wouldn't be able, me personally, at least.

 

[klytus]

On the internet, you can always be yourself...

You can, but it is far easier to pretend being someone else 'here' than in real-life, which makes things slightly more complicated - or at least more uncertain. I find it best to meet up shortly after the sharing of more intimate things commenced, as then the unnecessary wasting of time can be minimized. And it is not necessarily easier to find someone online - while you might join certain communities that are concerned with your set of interests, the likeliness of meeting someone of the opposite sex for a male, who, in addition to being interesting, is interested, seems rather low to me.

Still, the Internet is much more efficient than any night-club could be. Of course, places such as a university, or a library, a museum, some convention of interest, or a work group, do almost equally well, given that the person can handle the respective situations with ease. The Internet is less demanding in that aspect.

 

[Nicholas]

You can, but it is far easier to pretend being someone else 'here' than in real-life

I think most people like us are being ourselves on the net, because we can say what we really think. It's in real life that we are not really being ourselves, which causes us a lot of trouble.

the likeliness of meeting someone of the opposite sex for a male, who, in addition to being interesting, is interested, seems rather low to me.

I hadn't thought of that. That's true, damn. :: LOL... yeah, the thing is, once you find someone interesting on the net, they must be interested in you too, and that would mean they were looking for someone too. So I guess it's best to say that one the net you can only make friends, and then if things turn out well, one of those friends might become "more than a friend". But I agree that you should also try to meet in person before too long.

When I finished high school, I hoped I would meet some girls at the university, in class, etc. and one of them would become my girlfriend. I was so wrong. When you can't function normally out there, you have no chances.

 

[klytus]

I think most people like us are being ourselves on the net, because we can say what we really think. It's in real life that we are not really being ourselves, which causes us a lot of trouble.

Aye, but it wasn't about 'us' it was about 'them'. I admit, it was ambiguous. What I meant was that it is easier for us to either misinterpret by wishful thinking or for them to misrepresent. While one party may oblige to being truthful, the other may do so to being deceptive. There are lots of people out there, and many of them have nothing better to do than to hurt others for their own satisfaction.

When I finished high school, I hoped I would meet some girls at the university, in class, etc. and one of them would become my girlfriend. I was so wrong. When you can't function normally out there, you have no chances.

That is true. I am going to enrol to university this fall, and have the very same expectations. While I go there to educate myself, finding a love with the capacity of lasting a lifetime would be unutterably grand.

 

[klytus]

The interesting ones aren't interested and the interested ones aren't interesting.

Perfect summary. I couldn't be more succinct.

 

[Nicholas]

Ok, now I get it. It's a more general fear than the one I currently have. I am afraid I'll get too old and the older I get, the less "available" girls around (already taken). I already feel too old now, that's what I feel, and I feel the "pressure".
Your version is even worse, and I hadn't really thought of that: less available girls around, and even if some very interesting ones are available, that doesn't mean they'll be interested in me. Damn, now you just got me even more paranoid, LOL. Hmm. :: Whatever, I can't give up, of course. But often I just feel the pressure, because I see everyone around me has a girlfriend. I see happy couples and I feel envious and sad, knowing I can't be like them, and I am not sure when and if I will be able to be "normal". And then I see these pretty and seemingly interesting nice girls, and as soon as I think "hey, it's nice to know there are girls like this around" it turns out they have a boyfriend, and it feels like a punch in the face... because that sounds like my scary prophecy is gradually coming true.

As you see, I know I have several problems to fix and to worry about first, but I still can't avoid to be bothered by the fact I feel I need a girl so badly. Who knows, maybe I won't even be able to solve my problems completely without a girl in my life...

 

[loneliness]

I am in the same situation Recluse.

I am also 27 years old, i think i´m destinated to be alone all my life.
Each day that passes it is harder, i don´t know really why i stay away from girls, i have had opportunities to be with beautiful girls but i´m so afraid to be involved with someone, it´s like some part of my brain that it is responsable to make relationships is missing.

The problem is that i feel so ugly inside and out, like an inferior human being, and i can´t get rid of that feeling.

Recently i met a girl that is younger than me, she is the girl of my dreams, and her friends told me that she likes me, but instead of being happy i felt so bad because i know i will not able to be with her because of all my insecurities, i am always thinking about her, i really want to be with her but i can´t do anything about it, i think she deserves a better person.

I want to cry...

 

[PunkRotten]

You guys have to accept the fact you cant control whether someone loves you or not. But you do have the control to love and accept yourself. Dont make your lifes goal just to get love and acceptance from others.

 

[Argamemnon]

I feel exactly the same way. It's like some part of my brain prevents me from enjoying other people's company, including the opposite sex. The anxiety is just too big to overcome.

 

[Argamemnon]

No women, no love and no sex for me. Maybe in the next life.