I Never Get Any Attention From The Girls...

[JamesSmith]

Well, yeah, I've never really gotten any attention from any girls out there in the world. They all seem to just pass by, most of the time without even a look of acknowledgment. Sometimes I feel like I am invisible to the opposite sex.

I do have some self-confidence and self-image issues but I don't think I look that bad. Nor do I think I go about the world with a bad attitude. I try to look up, I try to keep a friendly demeanor most of the time yet I get nothing.

In the end, this lack of attention from the opposite sex only further hurts my self-esteem. I don't know what I am doing or not doing. I am not saying I want to be a "chick-magnet". But at least some genuine interest in me from opposite sex occasionally would be nice. I can't even get any on dating websites. Go figure.

Really, is this so much to ask for? And no, I do not smell bad and no, my appearance is not intimidating or anything.

I have been practically ignored by women my whole life, I know where you are coming from. The way things are set up in this world people favor non-SA people, and then after that, SA women are favored over SA men by society in general, and then there is SA men at the bottom of all this as far as getting attention from others. There are exceptions to this generalization, like if an SA woman is attractive than she may even receive a lot of attention because of her looks, but what is funny is that if an SA man is attractive, he may not get any attention at all.

For your situation, what you need to notice is that women generally receive more attention than men. Yes, they will deny this to defend their sex. I hope i don't sound like a woman hater, I don't hate women. But the reason you are in the situation you are, Interzone, is not just because you are shy and don't talk to people as much as the "average" person does. It's also because women don't need to talk to you and they love not making the first move. Most women don't need to have the guts to start conversations with men they've never met before because they already have men approaching them. They never need to "break the ice" with you because they have all these other men that already talk to them. And then, on top of all of that, there is this unwritten law that has been around for years that says women shouldn't make the first move, and most women abide by that law. It's because of these reasons that women don't talk to so many shy men. To any of you who try to say that I think these things are always true, I am not saying that, but these things often happen.

 

[Felgen]

I have been practically ignored by women my whole life, I know where you are coming from. The way things are set up in this world people favor non-SA people, and then after that, SA women are favored over SA men by society in general, and then there is SA men at the bottom of all this as far as getting attention from others. There are exceptions to this generalization, like if an SA woman is attractive than she may even receive a lot of attention because of her looks, but what is funny is that if an SA man is attractive, he may not get any attention at all.

For your situation, what you need to notice is that women generally receive more attention than men. Yes, they will deny this to defend their sex. I hope i don't sound like a woman hater, I don't hate women. But the reason you are in the situation you are, Interzone, is not just because you are shy and don't talk to people as much as the "average" person does. It's also because women don't need to talk to you and they love not making the first move. Most women don't need to have the guts to start conversations with men they've never met before because they already have men approaching them. They never need to "break the ice" with you because they have all these other men that already talk to them. And then, on top of all of that, there is this unwritten law that has been around for years that says women shouldn't make the first move, and most women abide by that law. It's because of these reasons that women don't talk to so many shy men. To any of you who try to say that I think these things are always true, I am not saying that, but these things often happen.

A girl with social anxiety is not the same as a girl who "suffers" from just common shyness. Shyness is never a dealbreaker when you're a girl, but a lot of guys won't put up with a girl who suffers from anxiety.

 

[JamesSmith]

A girl with social anxiety is not the same as a girl who "suffers" from just common shyness. Shyness is never a dealbreaker when you're a girl, but a lot of guys won't put up with a girl who suffers from anxiety.

So you don't mention the women that don't put up with guys who have social anxiety? I believe more women won't put up with socially anxious guys than men won't put up with socially anxious women. It's because women can be pickier because they usually have more options. You can see this at it's most intense when you compare a guy's message box to a women's message box on online dating websites. Women get paraded with more messages than men.

 

[Minty]

...I don't get any attention from the boys

 

[Pookah]

Men think I'm weird. Women think I'm weird. Being a female with SA sure as hell doesn't seem easier.

 

[Minty]

So you don't mention the women that don't put up with guys who have social anxiety? I believe more women won't put up with socially anxious guys than men won't put up with socially anxious women. It's because women can be pickier because they usually have more options. You can see this at it's most intense when you compare a guy's message box to a women's message box on online dating websites. Women get paraded with more messages than men.

What is with this debate? So? Who cares if women in general have it easier?

Yes, women probably have more options. Yes, socially anxious women probably have more options than socially anxious men. But that doesn't make it easier. For socially anxious women, their lives are equally stressful. Just because they're more likely to get asked out, doesn't mean they won't face the same anxious provoking situations thoughout most of their life.

Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend does NOT save you from anxiety. In some cases, it makes life harder because it introduces emotional drama.

And there are some socially anxious girls, like myself, who have never been asked out. Never been flirted with. Never been noticed AT ALL. What are we supposed to say? "Oh yeah, your life is terrible. Poor, poor men. I am so much better off than you are. You really have it hard."

No. No, you really REALLY don't.

 

[EasySkanking]

Hmm, ^some good points... but I think that as a woman you have it easier finding a date. All you have to do (for the most part and more so than men) is look good. And the good part about this is that most (if not all) women have something beautiful about them. And it is easier to work on improving your physical appearance than it is to improve your emotional or mental state... working out, lifting weights, getting your hair/nails/etc done is easier than changing a mind that has been heavily traumatized.

As a male, you have to be confident to have any sort of relationship. And it is one of the most horrible and pathetic experiences to be (for example in my situation), 24 a male lonely as hell and never had even touched a female in any passionate way - it's horrible. It feels like going against my instinct... as a male I think I have a deep subsconcious or animalistic need to take care of someone, procreate with them and create a family. I think a lot (if not all) of my depression comes from this :/

I don't know, being a male with SA feels like ****... especially since confidence is a prime important charasteristic for males - even in jobs or interactions with other males it comes to an important play :/

Sorry, just ranting...

 

[Pookah]

The point being missed is this, sure maybe I can get dolled up and some guy might take a liking to me for whatever reason....maybe its dark and he can't see me well.

Anyway what is so good about being able to attract some random guy? Someone who probably has nothing in common with me. Someone who probably just would want sex. I don't see how that is a perk?

 

[EasySkanking]

That's a perk because it gives you more chances than me for finding someone. And also because it means possibly not being alone. Being alone sucks, I think we can all agree on that. And also, for a male, not being in that "procreative and paternal"/taking care of someone statue is sort of like a cat being dipped in water - if that makes sense?

 

[JamesSmith]

What is with this debate? So? Who cares if women in general have it easier?

Yes, women probably have more options. Yes, socially anxious women probably have more options than socially anxious men. But that doesn't make it easier. For socially anxious women, their lives are equally stressful. Just because they're more likely to get asked out, doesn't mean they won't face the same anxious provoking situations thoughout most of their life.

Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend does NOT save you from anxiety. In some cases, it makes life harder because it introduces emotional drama.

And there are some socially anxious girls, like myself, who have never been asked out. Never been flirted with. Never been noticed AT ALL. What are we supposed to say? "Oh yeah, your life is terrible. Poor, poor men. I am so much better off than you are. You really have it hard."

No. No, you really REALLY don't.

You're right, finding a b/f/g/f doesn't save you from anxiety. I didn't make it clear that I wasn't just talking about the dating world. I believe women get friends easier than guys do. That's just something I've noticed throughout my life. I know you will disagree with that, but that's what I think.

If you've never been asked out, then you haven't GONE OUT enough. Do you have any idea how often men ask out women at bars that aren't even attractive? If I was a girl and wanted a b/f, I would go to a bar and literally just sit there and wait for guy after guy to come up to me and just pick one out. Look, I'm sorry you've never been asked out, but i do believe that is a result of your lack of going out and giving guys a chance to do so. Women already have a huge advantage because you don't have to ask the men out normally, they ask you.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

All you have to do (for the most part and more so than men) is look good.

I've never actually been a woman. Have you?

As a male, you have to be confident to have any sort of relationship.

Now that I know isn't true. My first experiences with women were because women made the moves on me, and I had zero confidence. Even now it's probaby a decimal. It might be true that you need confidence to have a healthy relationship, though.

Men think I'm weird. Women think I'm weird.

Well, you are weird.

*hugs*

 

[EasySkanking]

^Hmm, some good points. Well I don't know, I just speak from my experiences... I think I'm about right.

 

[Pookah]

Well, you are weird.

*hugs*

Hehe thanks.

I suppose I have an extra thing, asperger's which makes me weirder than just the SA. I don't interact with other people in real life easily. If a guy does talk to me he loses interest real quick in the face of my quirks. I'm not a looker either. Attention I have gotten is bad attention from not well intentioned males. So no, I do not find being a female to be a perk.

 

[EasySkanking]

Maybe Asperger's makes it harder for you :/ Sorry to hear

I think you have the potential to look absolutely stunning though. Make-up, fashion/etc do wonders for females.

It's not so much about how you "actually look", as much as it is about "how you carry yourself"... But as I've told you before, I think you are pretty... you have pretty eyes/skin/eybrows/face-shape, which is why I think you would look stunning if you "dolled yourself up".

 

[Pookah]

It is hard to keep up the pretense of makeup and clothes to hide imperfections. In some ways it is a lie. If someone would only give me the time of day if I struggle with my frizzy hair, my weight, and coverup all the time....how is it worth it? There will be a time when I can't keep up.

 

[Minty]

All you have to do (for the most part and more so than men) is look good. And the good part about this is that most (if not all) women have something beautiful about them.

I'm alone because I don't look good? Not because I have SA?

And your second statement-- think about it. Think about it really hard. If that's true, all women would be taken. All of them.

 

[Anti Matter]

One thing I learned from my past relationship was to never dive into one with absolute zero confidence. Usually if the other partner has no problems with social interaction and takes an interest in you, it's because they have hangups. Not saying ALL people are like this just talking from my previous experience.

My single past relationship was crap, I was being changed into something I wasn't, used, manipulated and cheated on.

So in my opinion I am actually quite happy I am by myself right now.

 

[EasySkanking]

@Pookah

^True, I think that is the eventual phase that starts the down-turn of a relationship. But that's just part of it I think. If the other person truly loves you, they'll stay with you even though you don't "doll up" anymore... just my opinion.

@Minty

It seems that most woman are taken... even most with SA. There's lots of females here that are or have been in relationships... they far outnumber the males here with SA.

 

[Minty]

You're right, finding a b/f/g/f doesn't save you from anxiety. I didn't make it clear that I wasn't just talking about the dating world. I believe women get friends easier than guys do. That's just something I've noticed throughout my life. I know you will disagree with that, but that's what I think.

If you've never been asked out, then you haven't GONE OUT enough. Do you have any idea how often men ask out women at bars that aren't even attractive? If I was a girl and wanted a b/f, I would go to a bar and literally just sit there and wait for guy after guy to come up to me and just pick one out. Look, I'm sorry you've never been asked out, but i do believe that is a result of your lack of going out and giving guys a chance to do so. Women already have a huge advantage because you don't have to ask the men out normally, they ask you.

Makes sense. But you're talking about SA women having an advantage. If I can only get asked out by going to a bar, but I can't go to said bar because of my SA, how am I at an advantage? =/

 

[JamesSmith]

I think the biggest thing that you can change with your body for both sexes is weight. If you are overweight, that's a big problem. There are many people that don't have respect for people that are overweight. So if you want a partner, and you don't have a partner and are overweight, you may want to look into doing a lot of jogging. And don't give me the "well you don't jog" because I'm not overweight and I jog every day. Just some advice for both men and women. Appearance is very important.