I like a girl who has a boyfriend...

[GCM707]

I guess I'll start off by saying this isn't a "how do i get her to like me and leave him" thread... Really, I'm just not sure how to deal with the entire situation. I work with this girl, and have gotten to know her pretty well over the last 6 months or so. We hit it off really well and have several things in common. The problem is that I have started having feelings for her. She has a boyfriend already (they have been together for 2 years) and I don't see that ending, nor am I trying to cause any trouble there. I talk to her at work often, and see her outside of work occasionally, sometimes its just been me and her hanging out with no one else. It's always me who initiates conversation or suggest going to do something after work (which bugs me that I don't really see any effort on her end). The whole situation, having feelings for her, and the fact i never really see effort from her to make plans or have conversations, really drags me down sometimes. Sometimes I think I should just try to forget about her, stop making an effort to talk and be friends. I've made an attempt at that a couple times now but keep getting sucked back in. It makes it even more difficult that I work with her and am in the same room throughout most of the day. I can't really avoid her or anything. I often have think about staying somewhat close to her in case something ever happens between her and her current boyfriend... but i don't want to be hanging on to this and hold me back from meeting other people. I'm not sure what to do.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation, how they dealt with it, how it ended up... comments, advice, whatever.

 

[Sial Axetder]

2 years she has been with this guy, you said it right, you don't think that's going to end. Probably not.

In your situation its going to be tough. These feelings won't let up. Let her bring up conversations and topics. Let her do the work now. It may distance yourself from her and let those feelings go away.

 

[awkwardamanda]

It probably isn't a good idea to make plans with her outside of work. Even if you're just trying to be friendly, she may wonder if you have other intentions. Since she's not making any effort to hang out, she may be sort of neutral towards you. Or, even if she wants to be friends, she may think it would look bad and that her boyfriend might get jealous. Maybe she worries you might try to steal her from her boyfriend. You're colleagues. I'm not sure you can even call this girl a friend. You can be friendly since you work with her, but it's not wise to try to be her friend when you really want more.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

This is a dead end street. You're looking for heartache by continuing. Invest your time into finding another girl. I know having SA that's easier said than done but this is not the route to go.

 

[MikeyC]

Just echoing what's already been said: don't pursue this. It won't lead anywhere good.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, I also once thought that I was in love with a girl who had a boyfriend. She was also a friend of mine. And I wondered what to do: tell her, and just be open about it, but also risk the friendship? Or not tell her?

In the end, I didn't. She was one of the few friends I had, and I didn't want to risk losing her.

That was like 6 years ago or so. Since then, our friendship has deepened. We ain't a couple, but we are close friends. We don't work together, but we still meet two or more times a week. We go to video evenings, roleplay afternoons, gaming conventions, gothic festivals, birthday parties and all sorts of other stuff. She gives me long hugs each time we meet, every now and then we exchange presents just to remind each other on the friendship.

Sure, sometimes I still wonder whether we could have been a couple. But her still boyfriend is also a friend of mine. And I wouldn't want to hurt either of them. There are more possible girlfriends out there for me. Especially some for whom I don't have to risk one of my best friends.

 

[Remus]

So imagine your dream comes true and she dumps him for you, how could you trust her after that?

 

[sullyS25]

I would forget about her. You are in for a lot of pain if you continue down the road you're on. AND read what Remus said....I agree 100 percent

 

[mixedupgirl]

If this is your criteria for finding someone untrustworthy, can you ever really trust anyone?
I mean there's cheating on someone and then there's ending a relationship in hope of something better.[/QUOTE]


Yeah I agree with this.. was just about to say, you can't say that by dumping her current boyfriend to move on means she's untrustworthy.

Also I agree with what someone else said further up. It's not a good idea to just be her friend in the hope she will break up with her boyfriend some day. That's also unfair on her she might think you are a good friend but really you are just biding your time. My personal opinion is that you should never pursue someone who is in a relationship....

 

[Remus]

If this is your criteria for finding someone untrustworthy, can you ever really trust anyone?

I would not pursue anyone already in a relationship.

I mean there's cheating on someone and then there's ending a relationship in hope of something better.

With experience with myself and others, I've often found there's a blur between the two. You also have to ask yourself if someone is THAT unhappy in a relationship, why would they be clinging on until something better comes along. Yet another trust issue.

Where's the romance in all this anyway? :thinking:

 

[awkwardamanda]

With experience with myself and others, I've often found there's a blur between the two. You also have to ask yourself if someone is THAT unhappy in a relationship, why would they be clinging on until something better comes along. Yet another trust issue.

Where's the romance in all this anyway? :thinking:

There is a blur. I became attracted to another guy while I still had a boyfriend. I would never have cheated, not that the opportunity came up. I felt totally guilty for even noticing him. What I didn't realize at the time, was I that was unhappy in the relationship anyway. We broke up a few months later. Only then did I finally admit to myself that I had a crush along.

 

[SmartyPants]

It seems like your life is on hold waiting for something to happen between her and her boyfriend, you said yourself that you dont think they will break up. Maybe you could try and put your focus on other things. Its incredibly difficult when you like someone you work with; for me I had to leave the place that I worked at as my feelings were too intense.

 

[Hellhound]

Even if the girl broke up with her boyfriend, it's extremely selfish to ask her out. She is the one who has to decide wether to be in another relationship or not.

Trying to be her friend is not a bad idea, though. But I could be wrong.

 

[Littlewilly]

Its 1 of those situ's where you really like this girl & you kno she already has a BF
so in that case u kno u can't have her the more u'll want her.
(U'll want something more when u kno u can't have it).:no:

 

[GCM707]

Seems the majority of everyone agrees its a bad idea. Thanks for all the replies. We watched a movie together at my house tonight... I suppose that should be the end of it.