Hi People. This is my story (like many of you, who came out telling everything on this forums, I need to release my info).
- I'm a PhD Student in Mathematical Sciences in Ontario Canada.
- 27 year old male.
-Never had a girlfriend.
- I'm not gay not even undefined, I'm a normal man, that sometimes talk like a very confident one.
Now, I don't consider myself having a bad or mild condition of social anxiety, after all, I can talk about almost anything with anyone, including about relationships, even without having one, since I'm smart and I've been studying my case for 2 years now. I have friends, people that invite me to events, friends from high school that still write me, my family loves me, etc.
But definitely something have affected the way I relate to people into a more deep and emotional level.
When I was a kid, I was happy, I had a lot of friends, play a lot with them (majority of male but in my teens I was into dance parties and I would dance with girls). But I was a kind of daydreamer (and still I am), which would imagine too many things after meeting a girl I like, but I never went to the next step. I also had a low self esteem about my body cause I was skinny and had bad breath, although I've done sports all my life.
I guess my family also contributed to my behavior, I love them, we love each other, but certainly in my teens years, we never said so, they would talk to me throughout presents and gifts, since everyone worked and had no time for me. But I knew they love me on their way (no-one teach you to be father and mother). My mother sometimes would suggest to get a girlfriend, but without being serious about it, and without encourage me, my father never talked about that. In my late teens I started to play videogames (with friends) and i enjoyed so much that I went into isolation from other aspects of life. I have another younger brothers that I helped to raise (so I guess I'm not afraid to become a father if that eventually happens). One of them, start almost everyday to parties when he was 20, he got short-term relationships (and I guess sex), but never went back home and present his girl to the family, now he's 23 and finally got a girlfriend and he did show her to everyone. My youngest brother is 19 now, never had a girlfriend, he really spends time in parties (I encourage him to do it), but he enrolled in the army (probably escaping to confront real life and just concentrate to follow orders) and I guess he won't get one in a couple of years if I don't keep encourage him to do so, I also went into a period of gaming at home all day.
So I guess, as a scientist I can say that there is something in my family that had made us like that, although I know is not intentional (Also we are all adults know, at some point one should start taking care of his own life without blaming others). Now, because I'm taking the lead in terms of inter-family communications, it seems we say "i love you" more ofently, and every time we gather we really have great times emotionally, not that we didn't as a kids, but certainly more mature and sentimental.
The other facts that may affect me, is that, even if I left home at 18 to get into a far away University, I went to live always with relatives, so I stayed in a comfort zone, they would feed me, and I would just study, play video games and sports. And I still was daydreaming about relationships without ever end up in one.
At that time I was in shape physically, girls would approach to me, I would have long conversations, dance, but I would never give a step forward, maybe because I also had high expectations, cause I knew girls would approach to me, laugh with me, dance with me, so I got encouraged to get the best ones, although a "shit my pants" every time I was close to one, but since the next day I would masturbate and daydream I would not have any regrets and continue my study life like every other day (very selfish).
So I graduated, and decided to try a best luck in another country, went to Canada for a PhD, thinking that I can start from zero.
It all started well, the first months in research were good, I was in parties, girls would approach to me, and again, I would fall in all the things I went trough.
After 2 years I had my first panic attack, not related to relationships though, I was in a colloquium, very interested, and suddenly I felt like I gonna fade away and die. People took me to an emergency room, but they found nothing, from that day and in the next year and a half, I started to only think about my health, almost as being hypochondriac, I would not think in having a date until I find a brain tumor, a testicle cancer, etc, etc. I didn't tell anything to my parents, cause being far away would scare them, and we were very open and sentimental those times.
Also I would say to my colleagues that after that episode I was fine, although clearly not, what also affected my research.
Since I lost almost a year being sick, I went nuts about finishing my PhD, so I would only live for being worried about my health, and my PhD. My colleagues won't do anything cause it is normal to be a little bit crazy and geek in science. Actually there are professors and research assistants that never married, and you can bet they never had a girlfriend, but they did it as an option, cause the majority of them is happy with just science (like Newton and other famous scientist), but I'm not of that kind, my friends (well, since I went into silent modes I guess I've lost a lot of them) are getting married, they seem to be happy, I want a normal life.
So here I am, trying to find what should i do, finish my PhD (as a student one earns little money, I even being living with roomates in my comfort zone), and not to become crazy about having a relationship, although I definitely need it.
Now, I totally defeated the panics attacks, I went to many screening test, all of them negative, so I guess that's enough for my mind to not to to exaggerate any symptom any more.
But now I'm anxious (can't sleep, think properly) about getting a girlfriend and finishing my doctorate. I really believe that you learn by experience, so I know that the longer I wait for one, the worst I'll become as a bf, both in sentimental and sex aspects.
There is just one extra thing I have to mention, that certainly will help me. Finally I discovered who I am, what I want, what physiological problems I have, and seek help fro them.
I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems, for someone attractive enough to have sex, I'm less selfish, I'm looking for someone to share happiness, I'm not the kind that can be happy with himself, I need to share happiness, and make a gf happy. I really don't care about the looks anymore, I'm willing to find someone to talk to, to learn from, and to enjoy life with.
I'm confident in some aspects like, taking care of myself (I'm leaving alone, so I cook, and take care of my bachelor apt), I'm not gonna be like a child sticky beside a gf, kissing like a teenager, I have no problems to fail in the first try of sex, cause I learn fast and adapt fast, I still play sports (adding skiing, canoeing, hiking, etc, to my skills ), I still can have long conversations about life and the world, I lost my sense of humor a little bit but I can still laugh and try some ironies. And more important, I'm not afraid to ask for a phone number and date.
I would post a similar message in other forums to encourage people in our case to don't cease to try, cause for some reason I felt that I've grown up, and find the meaning of life, and I certainly will tell you how I progress.
I would like to ask for all of those people that start dating (not because of religious issues) at late ages (>25 years old), that tell us how did it work?, did it help to reduce anxiety?, did you marry?, has the relationship being longer than a year?, did you tell her immediately that you never had a relationship before?, what about sex?, Did your life improve?.
I'm now concentrated (maybe it sound cheap but I guess it will work for us), in a girl (kind of fatty, but with a nice personality) that clearly looks that never had a bf (it happens in science, more between men, but also some women), I know that she would understand my inexperience, and I will understand her, I've been approaching to her, and talking so I hope one of this days I'll ask her out (I don't want yet, cause she hasn't send me any indications of interest, so far I'm always starting the conversations). I avoid her though in my panic attacks years (she was trying to talk to me), but I hope I still attract her (I guess physically I'm still mild attractive, and funny at times). We'll see if I can regain her confidence. I'm definitely posting if it worked out.
Cheers.
p.s.: So I recommend:
1.- Spend a day or 2 trying to know yourself, what do you want, what can you offer, what things you do well and confidently. Write them down into a paper if anxiety makes you lose memory.
2.- Start dating, without fear rejection, every time you date you'll learn something.
3.- Obligate yourself to take control of your life, leave your parents home, live alone, set up a nice and comfortable house (invite friends, specially girls to it), that doesn't mean that you won't see family and friends anymore.
4.- Go out with friends, make new friends, enrolled in book clubs, sports, cinema, politics, etc, do something social that suits your expertise.
5.- Go to therapy, anxiety groups, maybe there is a girl (boy) waiting for you in those. Which I think is another way to get couples, why don't people start sharing their inexperience problems and look for a date with the similar?, I think that would be good since the couple know more or less their traumas. Remember that you want to share happiness, make the other happy, forget physical attraction, that can be worked out, the important thing is trust, communication, love, happy to share activities together.
Oh My God, are you serious!!! I didn't think girls like you existed. In my neighborhood, it's always the players who get the girls.
