JamesSmith
Well-known member
I had an epiphany today, and it was really bad, maybe the worst feeling of my life. I'd just gotten out of a job interview, and almost started crying in my truck. The only reason I didn't flow with full tears is because I didn't want someone to see a guy balling like a baby. It wasn't just that I got the same "We'll call you if we need you," and which usually means you are not hired, but when I was there I had to wait around people and I realized no matter where I go, there will be people and I don't like being around people. I want to make sure I stress this point, I'm not saying I don't like people, I'm saying I don't like being around people. I've come to the realization that pretty much every job involves being around people, either co-workers and/or customers, and since this is the case, I'm going to be unhappy no matter where I go.
I don't know what to do, because I want to be independent so bad, but then the only way that will ever happen is if I torture myself by having to be around people for a job. And then, if I decide to not do this, then I still feel horrible every day cuz I'll be a mama's boy and dependent on my parents for everything, and on top of that I won't have any money like I do now and have to donate plasma for the rest of my life just to get by.
I don't get it. Either way, I'm going to be unhappy, working or unemployed, with friends or without friends. I've had like 10 different jobs and I've been unemployed for very long periods of time, so I know what both worlds are like. I don't get how I'm supposed to function in society for the rest of my life like this. It's so sad, lonely and depressing. I've tried hanging out with friends for years, that turned out to be horrible and I started to hate every day of being around them. And now I've tried solitude for 5 years and I hate solitude too. This is so horrible. I don't want to work or be around people, but I want money so I can be independent. I don't want to hang out with friends cuz I started to hate being around them, but now I'm lonely and depressed. I've gotten to the point where I'm out of options. Everywhere I go, it's either anxiety, depression, boredom and/or loneliness. I'm now believing that I'm not capable of surviving in this world. Today I finally just realized that I'm weak. My brother has SA and likes hanging out with friends and almost has a degree and he has a job too. I'm starting to believe that I really am the feeble, failure I always tried to tell myself I'm not. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this pain of this anxiety, loneliness, and depression that I always have. My spirit is crushed, and i just realized my spirit has always been crushed and unhappy, now I'm just finally feeling it to it's full extent.
I don't know what to do, because I want to be independent so bad, but then the only way that will ever happen is if I torture myself by having to be around people for a job. And then, if I decide to not do this, then I still feel horrible every day cuz I'll be a mama's boy and dependent on my parents for everything, and on top of that I won't have any money like I do now and have to donate plasma for the rest of my life just to get by.
I don't get it. Either way, I'm going to be unhappy, working or unemployed, with friends or without friends. I've had like 10 different jobs and I've been unemployed for very long periods of time, so I know what both worlds are like. I don't get how I'm supposed to function in society for the rest of my life like this. It's so sad, lonely and depressing. I've tried hanging out with friends for years, that turned out to be horrible and I started to hate every day of being around them. And now I've tried solitude for 5 years and I hate solitude too. This is so horrible. I don't want to work or be around people, but I want money so I can be independent. I don't want to hang out with friends cuz I started to hate being around them, but now I'm lonely and depressed. I've gotten to the point where I'm out of options. Everywhere I go, it's either anxiety, depression, boredom and/or loneliness. I'm now believing that I'm not capable of surviving in this world. Today I finally just realized that I'm weak. My brother has SA and likes hanging out with friends and almost has a degree and he has a job too. I'm starting to believe that I really am the feeble, failure I always tried to tell myself I'm not. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this pain of this anxiety, loneliness, and depression that I always have. My spirit is crushed, and i just realized my spirit has always been crushed and unhappy, now I'm just finally feeling it to it's full extent.