I don't know what to do

[JamesSmith]

I had an epiphany today, and it was really bad, maybe the worst feeling of my life. I'd just gotten out of a job interview, and almost started crying in my truck. The only reason I didn't flow with full tears is because I didn't want someone to see a guy balling like a baby. It wasn't just that I got the same "We'll call you if we need you," and which usually means you are not hired, but when I was there I had to wait around people and I realized no matter where I go, there will be people and I don't like being around people. I want to make sure I stress this point, I'm not saying I don't like people, I'm saying I don't like being around people. I've come to the realization that pretty much every job involves being around people, either co-workers and/or customers, and since this is the case, I'm going to be unhappy no matter where I go.

I don't know what to do, because I want to be independent so bad, but then the only way that will ever happen is if I torture myself by having to be around people for a job. And then, if I decide to not do this, then I still feel horrible every day cuz I'll be a mama's boy and dependent on my parents for everything, and on top of that I won't have any money like I do now and have to donate plasma for the rest of my life just to get by.

I don't get it. Either way, I'm going to be unhappy, working or unemployed, with friends or without friends. I've had like 10 different jobs and I've been unemployed for very long periods of time, so I know what both worlds are like. I don't get how I'm supposed to function in society for the rest of my life like this. It's so sad, lonely and depressing. I've tried hanging out with friends for years, that turned out to be horrible and I started to hate every day of being around them. And now I've tried solitude for 5 years and I hate solitude too. This is so horrible. I don't want to work or be around people, but I want money so I can be independent. I don't want to hang out with friends cuz I started to hate being around them, but now I'm lonely and depressed. I've gotten to the point where I'm out of options. Everywhere I go, it's either anxiety, depression, boredom and/or loneliness. I'm now believing that I'm not capable of surviving in this world. Today I finally just realized that I'm weak. My brother has SA and likes hanging out with friends and almost has a degree and he has a job too. I'm starting to believe that I really am the feeble, failure I always tried to tell myself I'm not. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this pain of this anxiety, loneliness, and depression that I always have. My spirit is crushed, and i just realized my spirit has always been crushed and unhappy, now I'm just finally feeling it to it's full extent.

 

[DespairSoul]

JamesSmith

Post full of emotions wich are similar to me. Im sorry James to hear it, does your family knows about it? I know that feeling well, handing on someone whole live like heavy issue. I dont have too clue how to do it how to be independent if is so hard, we are in the same age by the way. James maybe u arent right maybe they will give u chance in that job? And if not maybe in other one ? Head up will be alright u will see. Do u take some treatment for SA or do counseling, i dont do it and i think i should start because i will never be better only worse.

 

[JamesSmith]

JamesSmith

Post full of emotions wich are similar to me. Im sorry James to hear it, does your family knows about it? I know that feeling well, handing on someone whole live like heavy issue. I dont have too clue how to do it how to be independent if is so hard, we are in the same age by the way. James maybe u arent right maybe they will give u chance in that job? And if not maybe in other one ? Head up will be alright u will see. Do u take some treatment for SA or do counseling, i dont do it and i think i should start because i will never be better only worse.

My family knows about it. We all found out the hard way after I wound up in a loony bin after admitting I had suicidal thoughts. I've had treatment, 5 different counselors all didn't help me much, and i've tried like 6 different kinds of medication that didn't really do anything. I've tried it all, CBT made me worse. Like i said, I just don't see any options left.

 

[Minty]

What makes you happy?

 

[Bustn Justin]

You never know in a job interview. I have been through many and only a few call back. Just kep swinging the bat and something will come.

As far as how you feel I do feel the same way where I am a complete failure and no matter what I do it won't change. My biggest challenge is having more confidence in myself. Just not sure where to start.

 

[Richey]

You never know in a job interview. I have been through many and only a few call back. Just kep swinging the bat and something will come.

As far as how you feel I do feel the same way where I am a complete failure and no matter what I do it won't change. My biggest challenge is having more confidence in myself. Just not sure where to start.

the most difficult aspect of employment these days is that there seems to be a lot of staff turnover at most businesses, so it looks like long term careers are reserved for those who are going to be brilliant in their job because you are expected to be innovative and excited while working hard. now this isn't always possible for everyone to achieve that goal unless they pick the company and role that best suits them. It seems like people are becoming disposable now because consumerism and supply and demand is becoming more dynamic, where as twenty years ago you could keep a job for a long time, even ordinary people.

maybe this is just my experience though but i do hear similar stories.

some job interviews go very well while others are a complete disaster, but i think this is what it's like for the majority of people except for those who are very self assured and highly skilled, the lucky ones.

 

[Kiwong]

What do you really like to do? What are you good at? If you know what that is then go fot it, there's no guarantee of success, but it is possible to achieve if you really set your mind to it. The epiphany you need now is to be desperate enough to try to change.

I don't like being around people either, but I'm much better if I am around people when I'm doing something I have an interest in, and I am much when I am arund people who share that interest.

I'm sure you could study too, I've seen your posts, you certainly are intelligent enough to get a degree. You might be able to study by correspondence. The trick is to learn to fight all those defeatist assertions.

 

[Falkor]

I can understand you. Your post is a lot like my situation. Although i didn't have 10 jobs, haven't got the chance to work yet.
Everywhere I go, I feel terrified of being around people.I feel anxious in crowds and even being around a small amount of people.
1 on 1 is easy for me. But when it comes to a group of people, I cannot cope with it, it freaks me out.
SA sure is a deep epiphany when you think of it. Wishing for a better future, times to cope with these emotions of fear.
I don't know how to get to that point, I hope I can be around people and feel like i'm not focussed on anything.
Or let me say, Be focussed on the right things. Just living in my own world, working on the things i'm doing.
Not focus on the people around, not being too self concious about them.
Take control of my body and mind. But it's damn hard when you experience so much anxiety.

Hey, have you thought about taking meds? might help ya out to reduce the anxiety a little.
Or maybe seek a counselor? Coaching is a good thing for SA.

I hope you can get in a better state, of keeping a job easily, being around people and just stand where you wannabe.
Discover your own happiness, Because you seem like your in the middle of a depression. I know how hard that can be..
and I hope you can enjoy life more.

Hey, take care JamesSmith.

-Saskia

 

[DespairSoul]

My family knows about it. We all found out the hard way after I wound up in a loony bin after admitting I had suicidal thoughts. I've had treatment, 5 different counselors all didn't help me much, and i've tried like 6 different kinds of medication that didn't really do anything. I've tried it all, CBT made me worse. Like i said, I just don't see any options left.

Thats really thought. All didn't help much u say but maybe little is better as nothing? I still have those thoughts u say u had, thats mean u make it some progress. U had treatment and u stop with it because u wasn't seeing massive succes? Maybe u could take it longer time cuz every body fight with it diffrently maybe u could give more chance to see if will work on you or not.How long u was counseling and having treatment? Guys here write very good points. What does make u happy accept movies,games etc. does exist something what can make u happy? If u have answer on this question then u are making step forward.

 

[3lefts]

Today I finally just realized that I'm weak.

Good. It's a starting point isn't it?
I don't say that without sincerity. More often than not I feel incapable, weak, less than. In fact I see much of like in taking more effort than I have to give.
Feeling emotion takes effort. talking to people, effort, showering, eating, all aspects of living, a horrendous amount of effort. The incredible sensitivity to the smallest of tasks. Oh it's depressing alright.
It does take you to a place where living seems to difficult. An incapability. Yet who said life was meant to be lived a certain way anyhow? No one. It's only governed by needs and wants. The fact remains that you are still alive. So there is a possibility or fulfilling those needs and wants. You just have to decide if it's worth it or not. When you know there is something worth trying for, it makes the go a bit easier.
What do you want out of life? What would you like to do or feel?
Must find something then ignore rest of feelings. Ignore your unwillingness. Ignore you depression. Ignore you anxiety. Ignore your weakness. Set it aside and focus on what you need to do in order to live, and do it.
Continue to regardless of everything else. Ignore rejection. Ignore failure and keep moving forward. Ignore fear, and decide what you want. Independence? Then keep doing what you are doing.
It does get better. Just do it, make what you want, make life worth it.

 

[JamesSmith]

What makes you happy?

From experience, the only things that make me happy are alcohol, gambling or marijuana. On all of the jobs I worked, I wasn't happy at any of them. Most of them made me unhappy. I would assume being in love may make me happy, but that's something that happens after you open up to the world and talk to people which is something I don't like doing, so I'm not sure how I'd achieve love. And then you have to think about how most women won't want to be with a guy that is unemployed, has no friends, and lives with his parents. And then believe it or not, I have higher than normal standards for a woman that I'd want to fall in love with. So love is far away if it's even going to happen at all.

 

[hoddesdon]

I would not take any notice of what 3lefts quoted. He is not necessarily right at all. Coyote was a Marine, phocas is a teacher, it is not true of Confusedd and PanicSurvivor, who said he had been diagnosed as a sociopath and is a tough guy, contradicted that attitude in a thread someone created about cowardice.

 

[JamesSmith]

What do you really like to do? What are you good at? If you know what that is then go fot it, there's no guarantee of success, but it is possible to achieve if you really set your mind to it. The epiphany you need now is to be desperate enough to try to change.

I don't like being around people either, but I'm much better if I am around people when I'm doing something I have an interest in, and I am much when I am arund people who share that interest.

I'm sure you could study too, I've seen your posts, you certainly are intelligent enough to get a degree. You might be able to study by correspondence. The trick is to learn to fight all those defeatist assertions.

Yes, I could get a degree, but right now I can't. I'm not going to gamble on student loans putting me down thousands of dollars when I can't even get a job at McDonalds right now. With student loans, u must be able to know that you can get and hold on to a full-time job for years, and I haven't proved that I can do that. Heck, I'm having trouble getting a job right now. I haven't even completed the first step. If I was to get students loans, I'd be risking owing thousands of dollars in debt for the rest of my life and possibly put in a worse position than I am now. My one out is if I manage to get a job and maintain that job for over a year, I could maybe talk the parents into paying for a cheaper online degree in some field. So yes, you are right, there is a glimmer of hope for college.

As for being around people, it sounds like i have worse problems than you in that field. My friends share the same interests but I still didn't like being around them most of the time. It's just the boringness and anxiety that just clogs my mind and makes me feel horrible around them. I hate how I can't be myself. I've tried to be myself for years around people and never could. When I turned 21 I was just fed up with it and decided to take a long break, I pray that one day I'll want to go back. That's the key word, I want to want to be with people before I'm ready. I haven't had the desire to be with people in a long time.

What do I want to do for a career? I have no clue. I did do a year of college when I was 19 and stopped going. I had no major declared. I looked at a book of a ton of majors and found a few I might like but they all deal with working with people, and I don't see how I can work with people because like I said, I don't like being around people. If you know of a good-paying job where you don't have to deal with people, let me know. I'm open to ideas.

 

[JamesSmith]

Good. It's a starting point isn't it?
I don't say that without sincerity. More often than not I feel incapable, weak, less than. In fact I see much of like in taking more effort than I have to give.
Feeling emotion takes effort. talking to people, effort, showering, eating, all aspects of living, a horrendous amount of effort. The incredible sensitivity to the smallest of tasks. Oh it's depressing alright.
It does take you to a place where living seems to difficult. An incapability. Yet who said life was meant to be lived a certain way anyhow? No one. It's only governed by needs and wants. The fact remains that you are still alive. So there is a possibility or fulfilling those needs and wants. You just have to decide if it's worth it or not. When you know there is something worth trying for, it makes the go a bit easier.
What do you want out of life? What would you like to do or feel?
Must find something then ignore rest of feelings. Ignore your unwillingness. Ignore you depression. Ignore you anxiety. Ignore your weakness. Set it aside and focus on what you need to do in order to live, and do it.
Continue to regardless of everything else. Ignore rejection. Ignore failure and keep moving forward. Ignore fear, and decide what you want. Independence? Then keep doing what you are doing.
It does get better. Just do it, make what you want, make life worth it.

I like the beginning of your post. Most people with SAD don't like to be negative by admitting they are weaker than most people, but you and I are able to do that. If we weren't able to do that we'd just be lying to ourselves. We can't hide from who we are right now. To recover from something, you have to understand that there is something wrong with you in the first place so you can seek a cure. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I am exercising and practicing relaxation almost every day. I'm finally doing something about my anxiety disorder that has a chance of possibly curing me.

But let me slow you down on the whole ignoring of anxiety, depression, and fear. I don't know about you, but I automatically have anxiety and depression. I am tense all the time, I was basically born into this disorder. If I could just turn it off with my anxiety, believe me, I would. But no matter what I do, I feel depression and anxiety at least every now and then. I'm trying to keep busy and have been successful at keeping busy so I'm managing to avoid thinking too much. But you can't tell a SAD sufferer to just ignore fear, lol. If it was so easy to ignore my fear, don't you think I'd be doing that?

I hope things get better. And maybe that's an achievement in itself, just the hope that things get better. It means I haven't totally given up and stopped caring.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

You probably heard this a million times but running every morning can be helpful....

 

[danstelter]

From experience, the only things that make me happy are alcohol, gambling or marijuana. On all of the jobs I worked, I wasn't happy at any of them. Most of them made me unhappy.

One or more of these are addictions, and as long as you rely on those things to get you through life, you will find yourself quite unhappy.

I had a poor job history when I was having more trouble with SA, but it all changed when I went to school for Social Work after having been in it. The SA didn't go away, but I was a ton happier because it turned out that IT, my first career path, was not the right one.

Keep trying different jobs, and by different, I mean very different. Even though I am a lot better from SA and can do jobs that pay better than McDonald's, I would still have a hard time there because it is so busy and has high exposure to people. See if you can find a work-from-home job. Examine jobs in the human/social services industries. Volunteer at organizations that you find interesting. Or, if you're like me and realize working a job is ultimately not for you, identify an entrepreneurial pursuit.

Take whatever positive steps you can to get where you want tomorrow, and keep in mind that college is just one of many possible paths to success.

Hope this helps.

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, I could get a degree, but right now I can't. I'm not going to gamble on student loans putting me down thousands of dollars when I can't even get a job at McDonalds right now. With student loans, u must be able to know that you can get and hold on to a full-time job for years, and I haven't proved that I can do that. Heck, I'm having trouble getting a job right now. I haven't even completed the first step. If I was to get students loans, I'd be risking owing thousands of dollars in debt for the rest of my life and possibly put in a worse position than I am now. My one out is if I manage to get a job and maintain that job for over a year, I could maybe talk the parents into paying for a cheaper online degree in some field. So yes, you are right, there is a glimmer of hope for college.

As for being around people, it sounds like i have worse problems than you in that field. My friends share the same interests but I still didn't like being around them most of the time. It's just the boringness and anxiety that just clogs my mind and makes me feel horrible around them. I hate how I can't be myself. I've tried to be myself for years around people and never could. When I turned 21 I was just fed up with it and decided to take a long break, I pray that one day I'll want to go back. That's the key word, I want to want to be with people before I'm ready. I haven't had the desire to be with people in a long time.

What do I want to do for a career? I have no clue. I did do a year of college when I was 19 and stopped going. I had no major declared. I looked at a book of a ton of majors and found a few I might like but they all deal with working with people, and I don't see how I can work with people because like I said, I don't like being around people. If you know of a good-paying job where you don't have to deal with people, let me know. I'm open to ideas.

Would your parents be able to assist financially? How about a degree in statistics, you might be able to set odds for gambling? Where I live the taxes for studying are postponed until you get a paying job. Once you have a degree you will have more work options.

A good job without dealing without people, perhaps a freelance sports journalist. An online shop selling stuff. Caretaking. Lighthouse keeper. Farmer.

I'm thinking you are going to have to try to deal with some people even on a very superificial level.

Being around people is very tough for me, that is why I am currently seeing a psychologist. I am trying to get better at dealing with people, enough to get by.