I am so depressed

[MollyBeGood]

I feel like I use this social media platform a lot. It's funny to think of this place as "social" media given the nature of its content.

So, it's kind of addictive, and thus, may be counterproductive to my productivity. I might need to lessen my frequency of reading and making posts.

I like your posts though don’t be gone long ( lol sorry not helping)

 

[Miserum]

I like your posts though don’t be gone long ( lol sorry not helping)

Thanks Molly! I won't be gone-gone. I'm thinking about probably swinging by about once a week. Currently, this is a daily thing.

 

[Miserum]

Thinking Before Speaking

I think I tend to not think before I speak... a lot. I mean, I am always thinking before I speak, as we all do. How else would we be able to speak in a coherent manner?

However, what I need to work on is considering those thoughts in a more thoughtful manner. I tend to feel rushed when I speak because I am afraid of being interrupted, or I feel like I am going to miss my chance if I don't speak up. Therefore, perhaps half of what I say comes out in stuttered, half-coherent garbage, and the other half comes out coherently, but offends or seems nonsensical to the people I am speaking to because either my delivery was poor (because I didn't consider the delivery, only the content), or I didn't consider the other party's sentimentalities.

So thinking before speaking obviously means considering whether your thoughts are worth speaking or not. I found this useful article.

I am going to start implementing these rules from that article into my daily conversations and see how things turn out:

• Breathe Deeply

I always forget to breathe when I'm talking to people. My core becomes a tight knot, and thus I am not just mentally anxious, but physically uncomfortable as well, which only aids my anxiety further. This is the first step.

• Listening

I'm actually a pretty decent listener. But sometimes I get so worried about what I'm going to say next or how I am being perceived that I don't even listen to what the other person is saying to me. I should be more mindful of that. This is the second step because I need to listen before reflecting on what is being said.

• Mental Pause/Play Button

Having a mental "pause" button serves as a reminder to consider and reflect on my words before speaking them (T.H.I.N.K.) and consequently, will give me a few more seconds to consider my thoughts before speaking them. "Play" allows me to speak them. This is the third, fourth, and fifth step; I pause before responding, think about what I'm going to say during that pause (T.H.I.N.K.), then I say it if it's a worthy thing to say.

• T.H.I.N.K.

Is what I'm saying... True, Helpful, Inspirational, Necessary, Kind?

 

[Miserum]

I never thought of myself as an IRL Redditor, but I think I am.

Years ago after watching this, where a person is rudely told to shut the fuck up in a group setting during a live stream, I felt bad for the victim (Green Hoodie) after the aggressor (Mustache) suggested he be quiet. I watched the video again recently and thought Green Hoodie was genuinely funny at times and definitely well-meaning, albeit a bit awkward. To me he seemed like an innocent, friendly guy and I chalked up the other guy's behavior to anti-sociability (along with the other silent others on the couch).

Then I read the top comment on the YouTube video: "This is exactly what happens when you treat the real world like discord and reddit." and then, read the thread of sub-comments that followed it. The original poster is referring to Green Hoodie's behavior.

I came to realize that I tend to act like Green Hoodie IRL, trying to be witty, making puns, referencing arcane memes that would sound odd or random to non-internet people (for lack of a better term), and at times, just talking to an inappropriate degree when it's uncalled for. Now that it's been brought to my attention, there is certainly a difference between conversation and humor on forums, and in real life. Some "witty comment" that would get top-voted on Reddit, might not necessarily make any impact at all in a real life conversation.

I've had people IRL treat me like Green Hoodie was treated here (not so bluntly, but have definitely gotten that "What the fuck is this guy talking about?" look, awkward silences in response to my comments, or literally "What?"), and now I know why. I'm an IRL Redditor.

Why am I this way? FML.

 

[Miserum]

 

[Miserum]

The more chaotic things get, the harder it is for people with clinical anxiety and/or depression to make sound decisions and to learn from their mistakes. On a positive note, overly anxious and depressed people’s judgment can improve if they focus on what they get right, instead of what they get wrong, suggests a new UC Berkeley study.

In shaky times, focus on past successes, if overly anxious, depressed - Berkeley News

Emotionally resilient people exercise better judgement when things get chaotic

news.berkeley.edu

 

[Miserum]

 

[Miserum]

I am almost certain that no one in my life knows how depressed I really am.

Broaching that subject seems like an awkward thing to do with people I'm close with. I feel like they won't understand or think I'm embellishing my feelings.

Don't even get me started on mere friends and acquaintances.

 

[Miserum]

I've been waking up lately bombarded by negative thoughts. Literally a minute after waking up. I go through my little morning routine followed by these thoughts, and continue onto my work, my responsibilities, with them.

They are always focused on how I've hurt others, been hurt by others, or how I am going to be hurt by others.

How goddamned distracting is this? Pretty goddamned distracting.

I let these thoughts take over. I let the actions of other people rule my thoughts to the extent that the important things in my life suffer. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Right now I just want to tell a certain person to fuck right off. Just cut all contact. I'm getting sick of their shit and they are invading my mind. But I won't because I know that's not a solution.

This is not fair to myself. I am ruminating again, and overthinking. All of my responsibilities are suffering because I can't get over my hurting. And not giving my responsibilities priority is making me less of a person. I have goddamned goals and this overthinking is working against the achievement of those goals. These thoughts are making me slow and stagnant. They are wasting my valuable time.

It's completely unfair that I treat myself this way. The solution is to not give these thoughts any more of my attention. People are going to hurt me; I them. People are going to be insensitive idiots at my expense. It's a fact of life. This doesn't warrant so much fucking attention. It's counterproductive and one of the worst things for me to engage in.

It's not fair to treat myself this way. Why am I such a piece of shit that I deserve to be treated the way I am treating myself? I need to stop.

 

[SoScared]

^me thinks that because you ruminate so so much you might be a terrific CBT responder.

 

[Miserum]

^me thinks that because you ruminate so so much you might be a terrific CBT responder.

Yeah, I've looked into CBT but never quite took the plunge. I shall reconsider it. Thanks.

 

[Miserum]

I feel isolated from people a good portion of my existence. It's like I can't really seem to say the right things. Or people don't get what where I'm coming from. It's like my brain is wired differently and my perspective is so different from the people I interact with, that I exclude myself because of the connections I make and verbalize.

Maybe I'm just stupid, and that's why my words fall on deaf ears. Because my ideas, and thus my words, are dumb, nonsensical, or outrageous, and smarter people can easily see the reality of this. I just feel lonely most of the time even though I am surrounded by people. I can't seem to connect, eye to eye, with them, in a consistent manner.

And sometimes I feel picked on, because it's easy to pick on the guy that just doesn't quite fit in.

The result of all this is that I get mad, because I can't connect. I feel like a weirdo, an oddball, an outcast. It's humiliating putting myself out there and continuously getting rejected. Then I feel hopeless that I will ever achieve truly meaningful, mutually respectful, happy connections in my life.

Eventually I get over it but man is that almost daily rollercoaster exhausting.

 

[Miserum]

Sometimes I go on rants about my "stupidity." Yet... I give advice to people here. That might lead people to think that I think I am smarter than them. But... I don't think that. I constantly flux between thinking I'm stupid and intelligent. People here should take what I say with a grain of salt due to these fluxes. I constantly feel that I have something to offer, and at the same time, nothing to offer.

Sometimes I even feel out of place on this forum, but I respect the minds of everyone here. My fluxes are just another symptom of my insanity.

 

[Miserum]

I think I'm finally ready to just block out all of my problems with intense, focused work. Otherwise, I'll probably go crazy.

 

[Miserum]

Being nervous in social situations never works for me, while being calm does work 95% or more of the time. So the logical conclusion, if I want to have good social interactions, is to not be nervous.

Come on brain... let's get it together.

 

[Miserum]

I'm definitely a try-hard

I always try so hard to be someone else. To be Mr. Suave or Mr. Funny or Mr. Intelligent or Mr. Mature, and I end up being none. Pretty much just apply the "Mr." to any role deemed manly by society. I think I probably just end up being a try-hard tool instead. I want to be "accepted," possibly even looked up to, by my peers, so I behave this way. I'm not even really sure what "accepted" means though, since people do generally allow me to hang out with them, even seem to enjoy my presence. Yet, I always feel vulnerable, so I take on these "Mr." roles in order to avoid feeling that way when someone inevitably one-ups me in any "Mr." category. To protect myself against things I deem to be attacks on my being. It really makes socializing such an effort. To always be on guard, to always need validation from others. It's a fucking ridiculous, exhausting way to live life lol.

What if I stopped trying to be, and simply decided to be?

My worry there is that I will stop "growing" as a person if I decide to ignore all of my "flaws" and live my life more care-freely. I'm worried that doing so will lead to weakness and stagnation. And that if I'm stagnant and weak, that I will be attacked, which will lead me to feel even weaker. Or that I will be exposed as an immature dummy. But like I said just a few sentences ago, I think trying to not be an immature dummy (being a try-hard)... kind of makes me an immature dummy. And besides that, what if my conception of maturity is totally wrong, and I'm trying to be some type of mature person whose beliefs about what is mature and what is not, are misplaced?

Ultimately, I fear that if I stop trying so hard, that I will be forever rejected.

To try to be or to be, that is the question!

 

[grapevine]

Hi Miserum
Its a tangled web with identity and social phobia. Ive found that if i can work on my self-esteem and independence and get to know my true identity, sort of indulge in finding out who i am, what i stand for - my values and seeing myself from a place of self love. If i can try to sub-consciously dig out the things that make me feel depressed about myself and my identity and work out how to either change them or see them differently i can sort of dial down that feeling of feeling not my true self around others and lessen the exhaustion that comes with that.
Ive also found people can grow on you, and letting your guard down can also be a growing experience as ive recently done that, ive found people still accept me and also if im accepted with my guard down by others and not at my best and yet others can see good in me- that really gives a surge of self-acceptance and relaxation around others. But it does take practice. Im not saying im any good at this exactly, just its worked for me depending on the people i guess.
My two cents ; )

 

[Miserum]

Ive also found people can grow on you, and letting your guard down can also be a growing experience as ive recently done that, ive found people still accept me and also if im accepted with my guard down by others and not at my best and yet others can see good in me- that really gives a surge of self-acceptance and relaxation around others. But it does take practice. Im not saying im any good at this exactly, just its worked for me depending on the people i guess.

I think you're totally onto something here.

I really get caught up in the one-upmanship. If someone "messes up" around me, myself included, I make a note of it. Perhaps even feel a swell of pride because other people messing up is some kind of confirmation to me that I'm not the only one that does so. It's like I'm keeping record of the imperfect humanness of everyone around me. And that "informs" me as to the "quality" of these people. That sounds obnoxious and, to reiterate, is exhausting.

I feel that if I ever let my guard down, I am going to lose. I am going to be seen as a loser, an idiot, not worthy, an embarrassment of a human being. I've been subjected to these kinds of judgment myself by people close to me, or even by people I don't know that well. Probably why I've adopted this thinking pattern.

But I am trying to open up and be a human, instead of some type of perfect Buddha. Why shouldn't I be good enough as I am? Why do I need to be "perfect"?

 

[Miserum]

Fear of being ruined through retaliation.

I think what holds me back from being honest or saying what's really on my mind a lot of the time is a fear of consequences from others that may cause me some kind of injury. Fear of either rejection, and a lot of the time, fear of retaliation. Fear that somehow, my life, my body, my sanity, will be easily ruined by others (which is kind of funny considering that I think my life is pretty much a steaming pile of shit to begin with).

This idea, that I will be "ruined," is largely rooted in other people's experiences, or in fictionalized scenarios (i.e., through books or other stories). But I don't think I've ever been fucked over personally for being "mean" or speaking my mind to someone. I don't think I've ever even tried to speak my mind in most cases, out of fear of retaliation. So my fear is actually largely baseless, personally speaking.

I'd say this fear is a major contributor to my overall anxiety and aversion to the outside world; if I don't feel like I can defend myself, verbally or physically, after speaking up when I've been wronged, why would I ever want to go outside and interact with people?

 

[Miserum]

I think too many of my problems, and my poor attitude, are caused by the way I choose to interpret things. If only I could consistently put a positive spin on my life. Doing that has been a challenge so far.