How to stop obsessing about self-ugliness?

[Pacific_Loner]

I hate creating a new thread but I didn't find any that gave the kind of help I'm looking for.

I am totally obsessed by the fact that I am ugly. I can't sleep right now, because I was just thinking too much about how ugly I am, and I had to get up. I'm thinking about this all the time. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and it's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. It's really a problem. Everytime I'm with people, I feel like I am imposing my ugliness to them. I feel like I have to be the most amazing person ever in order to excuse my ugliness. But now I'm failing to be an amazing person. So I don't know what to do. I am actually planning plastic surgery, but my fear is that I know everyone who knows me will tell me I'm crazy for doing this, and they will probably even be mad at me.

So the purpose of this thread is, how do you live with ugliness. How can I stop obsessing about this and just accept it.

 

[just wanna b normal]

i dont know if i accept it? but i always try to work on my appearance. like dressing nice & getting a hair cut looking sharp at my best! & thats all i can do! oh i also exercise!

 

[Minty]

I doubt you're that ugly.

And even if you are, the problem isn't that you're ugly. It's that you obsess over it. There are some people out there who are not physically attractive but manage to have happy lives because they don't think about how they look. They think about other things that make them feel good. Some of them have amazing confidence because of their thought patterns and that confidence makes them attractive. It makes them a people-magnet because most people are drawn to positive energy. Not how someone looks.

 

[missjesss]

I obsess over my lower legs so I know how you feel but I have learnt to just try and deal with them and not be so obsessive I feel alot more relaxed about it I am however getting surgery next year so the way I see it you either accept it or do something about it as long as it's safe etc im all for doing watever it takes to gain self confidence !

 

[DarkPhoenix]

I have felt ugly for as long as i can remember, however i have found that exercise and staying well groomed helps me feel less repulsive. I might add that i dont find you ugly, i think youre actually quite good looking

 

[KiaKaha]

I feel pretty ugly also...bald, skinny, lanky awkward guys aren't exactly sexy. I workout which keeps my muscles toned, but I cant do much about my face. I obsess over it because I feel the way I look makes people not want to be around me, and judging how people react around me, the only conclusion I can come to is my appearance.... and whats more I yearn for intimacy and I dont think I am ever going to find anyone that actually cares about me. If I could afford it, I would have plastic surgery and a hair transplant, but I cant.

As for you pacific loner, I dont think I have ever seen a picture of you on the forum, but I remember your old avatar...(blonde hair? Half pic?) If that really is you, then you are not ugly at all.... I actually always thought you were quite attractive.
But I know that even being told that doesnt make a difference.

I think minty brings up some good points too... I know a girl who is severely overweight and she is not good looking at all (not just because of her obesity)...but her energy and personality made her extremely likeable. She had good social skills too... i always admired her for it. But thats not how I am wired...I think looks play an important part in how you are treated, and how many opportunities you get. I dont know... I could go on about this for ages. ..

I just realized I haven't helped you at all. My apologies.

 

[vernski]

I can't stand the way that I look most days so I try to avoid mirrors at all costs. What hurts me the most is that my brother & 3 sisters always get complimented. Especially my 2 younger sisters. I always get passed up for them, no matter what. I think my body type is more that of a guy's. I've been mistaken for a guy a couple of times when they just see the back of me. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up for my looks and my size by being funny. I don't have the motivation to exercise and I figure it wouldn't make any improvement anyways. On the flipside of it all though, I feel ashamed that I hate my looks because it makes me feel like I am ashamed of my heritage, which I am not.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

i dont know if i accept it? but i always try to work on my appearance. like dressing nice & getting a hair cut looking sharp at my best! & thats all i can do! oh i also exercise!

^^ Very good tip.

 

[Richey]

I think the biggest problem with all of this is comparing to others ...we go out and see other people who clearly look amazing or cool and then we start thinkig about our own flaws and what not and it doesn't get us anywhere ...often i feel generic looking which bothers me. I really want some sort of distinguishing features that make me look cool and i personally can't pick anything out. The perception i get from hearing other people comment about me is that i am probably average looking, definitely skinny but nothing special, in saying that i have had some nice feedback before so its really hard to decipher anything from that.

this makes me uncomfortable and awkward in my own skin because i really have no idea how i come across physically and in terms of movement, I think sometimes i come across as weird and stiff and other times more relaxed...

in the end it just makes me want to hide away i think.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello Pacific Loner,

Good thread and question, i relate to this what u describe and is pretty destroying me couple years and make tired all the time thinking like that. I searched for key how to stop be so obssesed about self-ugliness,is hard not comparing to others if u see around so much cool people and u feel like a nothing between them. Exactly is obssesing and if we obssesing what we shall do? I think in moments what is comming those thoughts just try do anything what keep your mind working on something what u like to do. What make u happy,comfortable. Try find on you (no matter what) u like really the most,focus on that part of body all the time your thoughts(beuatiful eyes,tall body, skinny body, cute nose, beautiful smile, nice hands,nice legs just something what u like the most) and say to your self: I have and repeat it laud every day. Dont star on you in mirror no way star on you and search flaws this is actually focusing about your self. Training that every day. If i star to mirror thoughts come yet stronger obssesive as they are if i dont stare. Clothes nice point guys, yes wear nice clothes definetly, be clean, make u nice haircut, make exercise try make the best for you. And no way compare your self with someone else. You are the one you are special and not others,u are importand not others. For what u need them?U need impress them?Beuaty die by everyone one day!!!

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Thanks for answering everyone. I wish I could tell you that it helps but I'm not sure :: I hope I don't sound like a desperate case. I know there is people with worst problem than this and I kind of feel bad about this superficial thread but I have no idea how to stop obsessing about that

I'm actually doing exercice, dressing very nice etc. I mean I can spend 2 hours trying to fix myself before going out and finally calling to say I won't go because whatever I try I still can't believe how ugly I am. So there is definitely nothing to do with me on that side except surgery.

Vernki: Yes having sisters prettier than me is also a problem for me... everytime I see their friends I'm obsessed with the thought that they are all suprised that I'm not as pretty as them... How stupid

Minty, it's true that you bring a good point. Personality matters more. But this is the reason why I feel that I need to have an amazing personality. But I don't... not that I'm not trying, but you can't really change who you are. I'm not doing really good in life, I keep losing my jobs, I'm not good socially, I'm not really going anywhere, I'm not successful, and I feel like if at least I was pretty, that would excuse me, because at least I would make the landscape prettier. I have no idea if that sounds stupid. it probably does.

I know there is people uglier than me and that it could be a lot worst. I know I could post my picture here and everyone would say I look ok. But I just can't help myself from staring at the mirrors and be amazed by my ugliness, and then keep thinking about it all day. I have no idea what to do. Lobotomy maybe?

 

[Felgen]

This is the same guy:

A lot of it has to do with what you do with your looks.

 

[Feathers]

WOW. Felgen, that is some change...!! Where did you find this?

Pacific Loner, is there a law that says all people must be beautiful?
I can totally relate to some of the BDD, look it up - there are books online (on Amazon) that seem helpful too!! Like learning to like your other traits too...
And that India Arie song: you are not your hair, you are not your job/s... you're the soul that lives within...

It must suck to compare yourself with any sister/s - I always thought my sis was the more gorgeous one too (mostly as I was usually the one that got into trouble when we were little..) There's sibling rivalry, read up on it.. I bet your sisters are jealous of you for some reason/s too... (And it can be really weird, like my sis thinks I'm really talkative/communicative and brave?? She has even more SA than I do.. And she wishes for my weight, etc. While I wish for her beautiful complexion and more 'calm' character..)

We are all different, a roommate said: Wouldn't it be BORING if we were all the same?? And it's soo true!!

I am not perfect, I have a really bad temper (sometimes) and flaws in my looks and my character too... I get really embarassed if people call me beautiful or 'kind' sometimes, lol!! (Though it's kinda nice too...)
I used to think, in high school, 'if I'm not beautiful and not charming/communicative, at least I have my grades' - I was 'the smart one' while sis was 'the pretty one'... - and this really made me obsess about grades and such, which was really stupid I guess.. Luckily I realized it soon enough.. I can still make stupid mistakes (and hopefully learn from them), that is part of life...

And a few years later, there were people who thought I was charming and communicative, so things can change...

Even if you feel ugly and horrible right now, things can change.. And people can perceive you differently.. (Many people didn't see my flaws, even though I thought they were pretty obvious...) And tastes are different anyway...
Blonde girls are in great demand in some places, and can lead fairytale lives... You remind me of a friend who is happily married, and has had her fairytale... She had jobs too, and then started a biz with her bf/hubby...

Maybe it's 'that time of month' or you're not getting enough vitamins/minerals/protein or other nutrients?

Also think about it: in books, films or dramas, who are the most interesting characters? Those who are 'perfect' and have it all going for them? Or those who are 'not perfect' and struggle daily, and overcome obstacles, despite all odds? Things to think about.

 

[punklove]

I used to obsess about my ugliness but then I just started to focus on the few small things I actually like about myself. Looking in the mirror and forcing yourself to smile also helps.... everyone looks better when they smile

 

[Falkor]

This is exactly what i've been fighting with for so long.
When I wake up, I feel this way. When I'm about to sleep, I feel this way, and the whole middle of it. It just goes on and on, and I can't stop being self concious about self-ungliness. And the hard part is, my folks don't understand, they think it's just complaining. But for me, it's a hard issue. I can't deal with it, it's a moment of pain. But Ur definately not alone, Pacific Loner and all of you people. I just wish I could cure it for all of you, and for myself too. But we have to figure out that ourselfes. I think we just need the key to feel happy with yaself. That's a hard mission, but keep on trying and what helps me.. is..
Forgetting about the beauty in the world, beauty is all just a lie, some of them uses make up, or try different hairstyles or clothing to look good. So you can do it too, and some of them don't even care, so maybe you can also get to that point.
But the person inside, is what makes the beauty, whatever you look like, a beautiful person is the real beauty.
People judge too much nowadays, thats what I like about being a social phobic, i dont judge, because I know i've been through that.
And I'm tend to look at the most detailed points in my face and just think that everything is wrong, even 1 spot or even 1 stupid thing.
But maybe we should look at the good points, like the above poster says, a smile makes you look positive, and posivity is beauty too but dont worry, if you are negative, its not like you cant shine, of course.. But we just have to get to that point of feeling more positive and give ourself some time to relax and not worry everyday like so much.. Just find the key of having our life on track and just control the things we are fighting with and be able to have a social life and just be happy and do things we never thought we could ever do that before.
It's just so true, a smile lighten up the day, just try... sometimes I can't even think realistic, i just feel the most ugly person ever, but now i'm just thinking like, do i really have to be so perfect, In fact, nobody is. It's just the trick of looking at yourself in the mirror and say ''I'm good the way i am'' and feel that way too. We just have to discover our own good skills and abilities in life, and see we can do more than we think
Just feel free, of it. but i know it's hard it's like a habit, we can't stop it.
But maybe someday when we found self acceptance

 

[Pacific_Loner]

@Felgen: I wish it would be that simple... But I'm skinny, I do sports, and I get compliments about the way I dress all the time. I'm obsessed with the fact that my face is widely unperfect.

@feathers: Thank you for the advices. I guess I should check BDD. I am not sure though because of the word "dysmorphia". I don't think I have a distorted vision of myself. I know some people like the way I look. It doesn't change that I can't seem to be able to live not being perfect. I just think I am obsessed with beauty. I mean, it doesn't only apply to myself. I am so impressed by happy ugly people. I just don't understand how they do that. I imagine them crying every night and putting their happy face back when coming at work.

@Punklove: I was going to say "except when they don't like their teeth" but I will have to agree with you... even with ugly teeth, smiling looks better than not smiling.

@Flowergirlie: I guess It's sort of encouraging to see you say that, because you are actually very good looking, so I guess maybe I should considere the possibility that my case is not as worst as I think it is. But it's just hard to stick with this idea more than 10 mins...

 

[Feathers]

Pacific, don't hang on words, just check if you might have some of the symptoms, and if some advice for people with that could be helpful
My body is not 'officially' perfect either, that is a fact - BDD means you obsess about it instead of saying 'Ah well'... It's sort of a form of OCD, where you focus on imperfections and not the good points.. Do you think you have any good points? What do your friends or people who like you say?
Some CBT could be helpful too, I guess..
Also look up 'perfectionism'

So you think all 'ugly' people should be miserable and cry all night? Do you think this would make the world a better place?

You can smile without showing teeth anyway..

I think both Saskia and you, and some really gorgeous people here or in RL might have BDD!! (models can be some of the worst!!)

You can also work on self-acceptance.. You can accept yourself even if you are not perfect, even if you don't like yourself (yet).. It can be gradual..

 

[Untamed88]

I hate creating a new thread but I didn't find any that gave the kind of help I'm looking for.

I am totally obsessed by the fact that I am ugly. I can't sleep right now, because I was just thinking too much about how ugly I am, and I had to get up. I'm thinking about this all the time. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and it's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. It's really a problem. Everytime I'm with people, I feel like I am imposing my ugliness to them. I feel like I have to be the most amazing person ever in order to excuse my ugliness. But now I'm failing to be an amazing person. So I don't know what to do. I am actually planning plastic surgery, but my fear is that I know everyone who knows me will tell me I'm crazy for doing this, and they will probably even be mad at me.

So the purpose of this thread is, how do you live with ugliness. How can I stop obsessing about this and just accept it.

That is how I feel everyday.

 

[Felgen]

WOW. Felgen, that is some change...!! Where did you find this?

The guy on the picture, David Smith (a.k.a. the 650 lb virgin) had his own documentary series on his weight loss. He went from 300 to 99 kgs, after being morbidly obese since his early teens.

 

[Felgen]

@Felgen: I wish it would be that simple... But I'm skinny, I do sports, and I get compliments about the way I dress all the time. I'm obsessed with the fact that my face is widely unperfect.

Mention one celebrity in Hollywood that has a perfect (i.e. no imperfections whatsoever) face. Everyone has a different taste, which is why there are many standards of what's attractive.

What worked for me, was finding what I was dissatisfied about (in my teens it was my weight; today it's too small deltoids) and take it from there.