How I'm going to do the "homework" my therapist gave me?

[Arthur_Dent]

For the ones who didn't know, three weeks ago I finally got the nerve to start to use the free psychological service of my university. And yesterday came one moment I was fearing: when I was told to take initiative on the real word.

The psychologist told me that if I want to stop having such a hard time meeting new people, specially woman, I must loosen up, let go my poker face and express my feelings. So she gave me this homework or assignment: in the course of this week, I should gave a compliment to someone, preferable a woman.

I know how to do it theoretically; just smile at some one and tell her something like "hey! nice (whatever thing)" or "good job doing (whatever other thing)", I know it hasn't to be a compliment about someones's physical appearance, that would be just harder to do. I may have a chance to give a compliment to one of my friends, and probably will do that just to tell the psychologist I did it, I mean, I've gave them compliments before, although very rarely. But as I mentioned, the psychologist said that it should be preferable a woman, and I agree with that if I want to make any real progress.

But in that case it would be extremely hard. I don't have any female friends, so virtually any girl I would attempt to compliment would be a complete stranger. I know that usually people like getting compliments, even from strangers. I know that I have nothing to be afraid of. But my fear is irrational and unrelated to knowledge. Without any rational basis, I just assume that even the most harmless and neutral compliment will be interpreted as a pathetic attempt to flirt from a desperate man, and that idea scares the hell out of me, to the point I can't just keep eye contact with someone I could see on the street from the bus, not even with my poker face and knowing that probably I will never seen that person again, not to mention doing that while doing something like smiling.

So I'm asking here for ideas, which can help me two ways. Something that would allow me to suppress my irrational fear, or some way that would allow me to make the compliment let's say not in a direct way but somewhat "sideways". Please don't tell me "just relax and tell her 'nice (whatever)'" or that I have nothing to worry about, I already know that.

For me the worst thing is that my therapist told me that this exercise was designed to be executed in group therapy, but that wasn't possible due to the lack of a proper place to do it and the difficulty of finding an appropriate time for all the patients. So I'll have to do it the hard way, as usual. ::

 

[Niteowl]

In college one time we were split up into groups of five or so to do something in one of the workshops, and even though I thought that what I'd done was really nothing special, one of the girls (who I hadn't spoken to at all at that point) told me that she liked it. I think that sort of compliment would be easy enough to give, and you don't have to look at the person either.

Just look out for a chance to compliment someone's work, or whatever. It's easier if it isn't a compliment for their appearance. You've got to mean it though, or they'll probably be able to tell you don't. It sounds like a good challenge too. Good luck, and good on you for for seeking help.

 

[Littlemissteacherlady]

I think maybe this is too big for you right now, so break it down into targets that are smaller.

1. Smile at someone.
2. Say good morning.
3. Give a compliment to a guy.
4. Work your way up to just saying something nice to someone - 'I love your coat!' 'your hair looks good today' 'you're such a good friend' bla bla.

Who cares what the response is. It's all about you and your mission to become more comfortable around people. Try and make it a genuine compliment though because that's just always much better.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. Then no matter what, you can congratulate yourself of meeting one of your goals. Good luck!

 

[redtear]

****I don't actually recommend doing this. I just think it would be hilarious if you did*****

Therapist: So were you able to do your homework this week?

You: You know, you are an absolute genious. That assignement was really hard for me. It really challenged me. But yes, I was ultimately able to do it!

Therapist: Excellent. What did you do?

You: I just called you a genious

 

[Section_31]

****I don't actually recommend doing this. I just think it would be hilarious if you did*****

Therapist: So were you able to do your homework this week?

You: You know, you are an absolute genious. That assignement was really hard for me. It really challenged me. But yes, I was ultimately able to do it!

Therapist: Excellent. What did you do?

You: I just called you a genious

ok, that made me lol. LOL

 

[redtear]

ok, that made me lol. LOL

Thank you. Thank you

*Takes a bow

Every now and again I am witty

 

[superfluouslyme]

I think maybe this is too big for you right now, so break it down into targets that are smaller.

1. Smile at someone.
2. Say good morning.
3. Give a compliment to a guy.
4. Work your way up to just saying something nice to someone - 'I love your coat!' 'your hair looks good today' 'you're such a good friend' bla bla.

Who cares what the response is. It's all about you and your mission to become more comfortable around people. Try and make it a genuine compliment though because that's just always much better.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. Then no matter what, you can congratulate yourself of meeting one of your goals. Good luck!

I agree. Start small and work your way up to it. I'd start with friends and family, then work towards cashiers and people you interact with on a regular basis. Just engage them in regular conversation: "Hi, how are you?" "It was nice talking to you." "Have a good day." blah, blah, whatever. It's hard, but once you finally do it, you will feel amazing! Good luck, my fellow Hitchhiker nerd.

 

[JamesSmith]

I'm actually against giving random people compliments. I've actually done this same exercise, and it made things worse for me. I realized how weird I really am, and most of all it made feel very creepy talking to people that I don't know. I guess it could work for some people, but with you, you are starting from scratch with this, so I'd recommend something else.

The goal here is to make consistent friends, not to talk to random strangers on the street who just want to get from A to B without being harassed by the shy guy (no offense, I'm the shy guy, too). Instead of random approaches on strangers, you should do something that is socially organized, such as a club or group activity. Join a sport, like softball or something. You could even try online dating, which would be an easier way to ease into a 1 on 1 convo with a woman. The key is to have your social encounters organized.

I'm just not a fan of the "confident" guy walking up to people downtown and giving out compliments. I'm sorry, but most guys who are socially confident don't even do that. It's just weird, imo. Like I said, the goal is to make friends where you are expected to make friends, not to torture yourself by walking up to random strangers on the street.

 

[Arthur_Dent]

^^ Well, as a matter of fact I do have some friends. As I understand it the goal of the exercise is to get used to express my feelings. And I can handle online interaction, because body language is absent.

May be approaching strangers is more common in my culture, and despite it freaks the hell out of me, is not something I should fear. I've tried to be more "smiley" this couple days, although so far I've not been able to directly smile at someone. I'm relying on the possibility that one of my friends will do or have something compliment worthy. I don't mean at all that what they have and do is not worthy. What I mean is that the compliment must be sincere and we all usually just have and do things we're used to, so there aren't much surprises. I guess that any of them will get a good grade from a homework or a test, or will score a goal on one of their usual futsal games (I don't play with them, I had asthma so I'm not a sporty guy, I just watch).

 

[superfluouslyme]

I'm actually against giving random people compliments. I've actually done this same exercise, and it made things worse for me. I realized how weird I really am, and most of all it made feel very creepy talking to people that I don't know. I guess it could work for some people, but with you, you are starting from scratch with this, so I'd recommend something else.

The goal here is to make consistent friends, not to talk to random strangers on the street who just want to get from A to B without being harassed by the shy guy (no offense, I'm the shy guy, too). Instead of random approaches on strangers, you should do something that is socially organized, such as a club or group activity. Join a sport, like softball or something. You could even try online dating, which would be an easier way to ease into a 1 on 1 convo with a woman. The key is to have your social encounters organized.

I'm just not a fan of the "confident" guy walking up to people downtown and giving out compliments. I'm sorry, but most guys who are socially confident don't even do that. It's just weird, imo. Like I said, the goal is to make friends where you are expected to make friends, not to torture yourself by walking up to random strangers on the street.

Most people, IMO, make consistent friends by starting out with casual conversation. I don't think there is any other way to make a friend.

Arthur, it's not easy. I know it's cliche, but small steps. Just making eye contact or smiling the the general direction of someone is a good step. (I still have trouble doing these things sometimes.) I know you can do it. You are very smart and a joy to talk to. I have all the faith in the world in you, buddy!

 

[userremoved]

Sounds like we're in the same screwed up situation. Ive got until December to get a date.

 

[JamesSmith]

Most people, IMO, make consistent friends by starting out with casual conversation. I don't think there is any other way to make a friend.

That casual conversation usually isn't started by approaching random strangers on the street. Most people make friends through other friends introducing them to their friends. Either that, or both people are in a organized social setting such as a classroom, social club or through work.

 

[JamesSmith]

^^ Well, as a matter of fact I do have some friends. As I understand it the goal of the exercise is to get used to express my feelings. And I can handle online interaction, because body language is absent.

May be approaching strangers is more common in my culture, and despite it freaks the hell out of me, is not something I should fear. I've tried to be more "smiley" this couple days, although so far I've not been able to directly smile at someone. I'm relying on the possibility that one of my friends will do or have something compliment worthy. I don't mean at all that what they have and do is not worthy. What I mean is that the compliment must be sincere and we all usually just have and do things we're used to, so there aren't much surprises. I guess that any of them will get a good grade from a homework or a test, or will score a goal on one of their usual futsal games (I don't play with them, I had asthma so I'm not a sporty guy, I just watch).

I think you kind of have the right idea. Genuine is the key word. That smiling thing is overrated, and is also not genuine. What I mean by that is you should smile when you want to smile, not when other people tell you that you should smile.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against smiling, smiling can often mean that you are happy. But, there is another type of smile, and that is the forced smile. The forced smile is literally bad for your health. I just read an article on this:

Smiling too much at work is bad for you - Telegraph

The reason forcing a smile when you don't want to is bad for your health is because it's not an honest emotion. Something that people, especially shy people, need to do in life is what they want.

I too did do therapy, and the main thing I got out of therapy is that I should be assertive and do what I want, not what other people want. If that means ticking some people off by not smiling then so be it.

You say you have friends, that's good. Could you explain what it is that you think is wrong with you? Because from what you've said, it sounds like you have personal relationships that are working, which means you are doing fine. A lot of guys have trouble talking to women, I do too. That doesn't mean you need therapy. It means you need more experience around women, which will happen naturally as long as you hang out with your friends.

 

[Arthur_Dent]

Could you explain what it is that you think is wrong with you? Because from what you've said, it sounds like you have personal relationships that are working, which means you are doing fine. A lot of guys have trouble talking to women, I do too. That doesn't mean you need therapy. It means you need more experience around women, which will happen naturally as long as you hang out with your friends.

"This Arthur Dent," comes the cry from the farthest reaches of the galaxy, and has even now been found inscribed on a deep space probe thought to originate from an alien galaxy at a distance too hideous to contemplate, "what is he, man or mouse? Is he interested in nothing more than tea and the wider issues of life? Has he no spirit? Has he no passion? Does he not, to put it in a nutshell, f**k?".

What is wrong with me, interesting question.

I say I have "friends" because I hang out with them more often and know them better than with people who I may refer as acquaintances, so I'm using the word friend for the lack of a better one; I guess that if any of them would be truly my friend, I would tell him the problems I share here, which I don't. From that viewpoint I don't have personal relationships that are working, which means I'm not doing fine. Of course you don't have to share everything with your friends, specially the most personal stuff, but in the other hand I never hang out with them outside the university.

And something is to have trouble talking to women, but I don't think is normal that the last time I had a female friend was when I was 5, 17 years ago, and as I don't hang out with my friends outside the university, gaining more experience around women won't happen naturally (there are very few women on our career so the two or three my friends know just drop by with a hi and bye and never join our conversations). Basically, I don't have a real social life.

You may wonder how this could be while I'm on university. Well, I don't live there, I live at a extremely toxic environment with my family, where besides an always annoying lack of privacy (http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/what-am-i-going-to-do-with-my-lack-of-privacy-36167/), I'm discouraged to create a social life because my parents don't like me to go outside for anything different than university, specially at nights. Also as I mentioned it, I'm not usually able to express my feelings, and that is as unhealthy as faking them. For example right now, after thinking about this I lost my motivation, I'm not in the mood for improving my social skills if anyways I'm condemned to not be allowed to have a social life for at least the next two years (although I know I should improve them for when I finally live on my own). This gives me a great deal of anger and depression, but being at home I must hide that behind my usual poker face.

But finally the main thing is that I'm not happy with who I am, I hate not being able to express my feelings, I'm sick of thinking about the what ifs and not taking care of my life, I'm sick not being the responsible for my situation because of the anxiety interfering with my actions. I'm among the best expositors of my class, I've worked successfully as a salesman, I've never got a panic attack, so what? I still feel an overwhelming anxiety that prevents me to act when it comes to socialize with a woman, even if is not with romantic intentions, so may be I'm avoidant, may be I have what is called specific social phobia, I don't know, what I know is that I'm not feeling fine, and I think that I need help, and that there are thing about me that I need to change.

 

[superfluouslyme]

That casual conversation usually isn't started by approaching random strangers on the street. Most people make friends through other friends introducing them to their friends. Either that, or both people are in a organized social setting such as a classroom, social club or through work.

Yes, but you don't automatically become friends with someone you are introduced through just by being introduced to them. You have to get to know them somehow and decide if they are someone you would enjoy spending time with.

 

[superfluouslyme]

What is wrong with me, interesting question.

And something is to have trouble talking to women, but I don't think is normal that the last time I had a female friend was when I was 5, 17 years ago, and as I don't hang out with my friends outside the university, gaining more experience around women won't happen naturally (there are very few women on our career so the two or three my friends know just drop by with a hi and bye and never join our conversations). Basically, I don't have a real social life.

My first best friend was a boy. We were inseparable from ages 5-8, and then suddenly stopped talking to each other. I've never had any real male friends since then. I was always awkward around boys in school, at work, and in life. I don't think that is necessarily something that is abnormal. It's hard enough to talk to people of the gender you are attracted to; the added fear us social phobics have makes it that much harder. The fact that you have pointed out these specific things that you want to work on is great. But it isn't going to change overnight. If social phobia had such a quick and easy fix, this sight probably wouldn't exist. As long as you keep working at it, you are doing a good thing.

 

[Solitudes_Grace]

Hmm...If you have any female professors, you can ask one of them a question about the subject you are studying. After the professor answers, you can respond with: "That makes sense. You explained it well. Thanks." Within that context, that compliment would be simple, easy, and not awkward. Then again, I do not think that encounter is what your therapist had in mind.

 

[Arthur_Dent]

Ok. so this is what happened: I managed to gave a compliment to one of my friends, but big deal, I have done that before. The chance of giving a compliment to a girl who at least I barely knew didn't came, and right now I just can't start any conversation with a stranger out of a socializing purpose.

My therapist understood that. She said that saying hi to a stranger is a very basic social skill. But because I can't do that, I'll have to go for something even more basic, which is to keep eye contact, and then smile.

She said: "if you want to learn how to swim, you must go into the water". and basically I just got the freaking "just do it". No rational arguments work against my fear, and there is no way of making slow progress on a safe environment. I feel like I'm stuck on a hole where I can't get out without external help.

I mean, please don't gave me the "just do it". For me just do eye contact would be like for the most of you "why you just don't give a speech on a full stadium".

 

[coyote]

start by telling yourself you CAN do it

instead of saying you can't

 

[superfluouslyme]

Ok. so this is what happened: I managed to gave a compliment to one of my friends, but big deal, I have done that before. The chance of giving a compliment to a girl who at least I barely knew didn't came, and right now I just can't start any conversation with a stranger out of a socializing purpose.

My therapist understood that. She said that saying hi to a stranger is a very basic social skill. But because I can't do that, I'll have to go for something even more basic, which is to keep eye contact, and then smile.

She said: "if you want to learn how to swim, you must go into the water". and basically I just got the freaking "just do it". No rational arguments work against my fear, and there is no way of making slow progress on a safe environment. I feel like I'm stuck on a hole where I can't get out without external help.

I mean, please don't gave me the "just do it". For me just do eye contact would be like for the most of you "why you just don't give a speech on a full stadium".

A lot of us have the exact same issue as you do. I can't hold eye contact with a stranger any more that I can give a speech to a full stadium. I agree with coyote, though. Telling yourself that you can't do it may lead you to a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you say it, the more convinced you'll be that you can't do it, when it is in fact possible. Easy, no. Fun, no. Possible, definitely.