How do I cope with a facial deformity stopping me from dating?

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toodamnlonely

New member
Im an African American, 36 years old, 6'2"...and I was born with a facial deformity(cleft lip/palate). Despite having had corrective surgery when I was young, it is still very obvious that I was born with a deformity(scar on upper lip/nose slightly flattened and not symmetrical). Throughout life (even into my adult years) I have been teased, talked about etc. I have only had one girl friend in my life. We were together for 4 years (best time of my life...so I thought) until she broke up with me, and a week later, hooked up with an undeniable "pretty boy". The icing on the cake was she then told me that she want to break up with me 2 weeks after we were going out, and it took her that long to break up with me. Needless to say...this has seriously killed my confidence in more ways than I can count, and it has seriously effected how I trust people especially women. When I look in the mirror...I see ugly. Because of this..I rarely take pictures because all I can see is my deformity.... (The surgery for my deformity left me with an under bite...so I rarely ever smile) and I feel like thats all everybody else can see. In fact..I know for a fact that some people wont take pictures with me in them because of my deformity. I even had a friend that got married but didnt invite me to the wedding because his wife didnt want ruined pictures...some friend right?

(Half way thru this post...Im really not sure why Im typing this..and Im not even sure why I joined this site. Ive never put my feelings in this much detail on the net..some please, if you are reading..try to be patient with me.)

I tried to throw my insecurities into the wind..and I joined a dating site, uploaded my picture, and attempted to make contact with the females that were attractive to me. That was a huge mistake. While I really enjoyed chatting with these women, my enjoyment quickly turns to dread once they want to meet me, or "see other pics". !00% of the time, my contact with that person ceases immediately upon me sending other pics. Needless to say...this has caused me to become very depressed at times. I havent had a hug from a woman in over 10 years now. When I look in my cell phone...I dont have a single number for a woman that I consider, at the very least, a friend. If someone put a gun to my head and said"Call a female now or youre dead"...I would be dead. Im that guy girls never asked to dance..that guy the girls never gave friendly hugs to...and Im that guy that is 36years old and has never experienced true unconditional love. It really hurts when I see these so called "good looking guys" treating women like crap. Like many others...Ive been told "you have a great personality" and "real women dont care about looks..they want guy that is funny with a good personality" but Im just not seeing it. That isnt my reality. Im not seeing a line of women just waiting to have my personality to themselves..hell..there isnt even one female in line.

Anyway..if you made it through that muck I call a life...youre a CHAMPION!! I guess Im posting this in an attempt to talk with someone else that might have a facial deformity. How do you cope? Do women actually look at your personalty or your deformity? How do you handle rejection? In my case..its constant rejection so when I think Im over it...it appears again to knock me down. Im not posting this looking for anybody's pity..my reality is what it is and Ill have to find a better way to deal with it...I just dont know what that better way would be. Can anybody give me some words of wisdom to help empower myself?

I took a minute to seriously think about if I should post this. I decided to do it in hopes that it might help someone else who is in a similar boat. This is my first post here..DONT TAKE IT EASY ON ME!!
 
greggy

greggy

Well-known member
Dude Honestly you don't look bad at all! Hey I don't get any interest from girls either and after all this time of analzing it I'm sure it's not that much to do with looks, I think some guys who are'nt at all scared of talking to girls seem to get on with them well, but with me I freak out when I speak with them and I'm sure they can sense this and they back off. The only thing I can say to you bud is go and put yourself out there and speak to girls and don't be scared just let them know what a nice guy you are, there will be one that will notice it! Keep your spirits up!
 
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nicole1

Well-known member
There is a group for people with body image issues. It kinda helped me and I also realized most people just saw something different from other people. Most in the group looked fine. I also found that many focused on one aspect and judged themselves based on that.

You are very handsome. I know the scar bothers you, but you are very handsome. Many with cleft pallet scars have gone on to find love. But love is not a matter of looks, there's more.
 
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Silatuyok

Well-known member
Hi lonely, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you've been through all this in your life. I don't know what else to say; I don't have any answers. I was born with a slight congenital deformity of the left hand, so I know what it's like to be stared at and have to endure mindless comments. I try not to be self-conscious about it anymore, but it's pretty much impossible when I know that people notice. I can only imagine what you have gone through. For what it's worth, I think you look great in the photo.
 
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toodamnlonely

New member
First of all...I want to thank you guys for the warm welcome. I appreciate that deeply. Also...thank you for the kind words. Trust me..it was a major step for me to even join this forum, spill my beans, and post my pic like this. Once again, I want to thank those of you that have responded:)

nicole1...is the body image group youre speaking of on this forum? I might need to check that out...and thank you for the compliment. I havent gotten one of those in years...it helps.

Absolutely_Sweet_Marie...I really feel you about on self conscious part. Have you tried anything specific that has helped you be less self conscious? I want to get a grip on this now because I can feel the mental spiraling beginning. I dont want to feel too jaded and unable to trust intentions when someone cool does come along. Once again..thank you for the uplifting compliment

greggy....I hear what you are saying, but after a certain point, I think all the rejections got to me. Ive even had a female yell at the top of her lungs "Damn youre ugly" in a bar full of people as she spilled her drink on me. The level of embarrassment I felt destroyed a part of me that need to get back somehow. Im not sure if going thru more rejection is the answer...but what you said is real...I cant deny that. The cold part is Im a hip hop artist (real underground hip hop...not that mindless crap on the radio) and I have zero problem getting on stage and keeping a crowd of hundreds of people hype...but when the situation is more intimate..I get super self conscious and crumble when I sense negativity aimed towards me. I really want to change that somehow..I need to. Anyways...that you for the nice words. I totally wish I had friends like you guys around me in real life. I am grateful for your response and the existence of this site

:blushing:
 
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NathanielWingatePeaslee

NathanielWingatePeaslee

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Staff member
toodamnlonely said:
greggy....I hear what you are saying, but after a certain point, I think all the rejections got to me.
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Rejections blow, but for the vast, vast majority of men they will greatly outnumber the 'yes's. That's just life. It definitely doesn't mean you're hideous or something.
toodamnlonely said:
Ive even had a female yell at the top of her lungs "Damn youre ugly" in a bar full of people as she spilled her drink on me. The level of embarrassment I felt destroyed a part of me that need to get back somehow. Im not sure if going thru more rejection is the answer...but what you said is real...I cant deny that.
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Very few of us (if any) are attractive to all women. So your face didn't please her--it happens. If she had any decency she would have kept her mouth shut. Unfortunately, most of the time when women find a guy attractive they won't just flat-out tell him, for a number of reasons--so you don't have that to balance out the people like that rude, drunken skank.

A cleft palate scar is hardly deal breaker in and of itself. I met a girl once with a pretty substantial one, and she will still hot. Married though.

Seriously, you're a tall guy (and most women love that) and apparently height/weight proportionate, with looks most guys would envy. It's your issues in your head getting in the way. Hell, even most actually ugly guys who don't have head problems end up having numerous girlfriends.
 
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nicole1

Well-known member
toodamnlonely said:
nicole1...is the body image group youre speaking of on this forum? I might need to check that out...and thank you for the compliment. I havent gotten one of those in years...it helps.
Click to expand...

No. Support group on campus. But if you are seeing a therapist, he or she may have a way to refer you to one.
 
Froggy246

Froggy246

Well-known member
Yea I was looking hard at the photo and I couldn't see any facial deformity, is it the faint lip scar? In which case I think that's the kind of very slight imperfection which makes you more attractive.
In any case, it might be different for men but I've never had a crush on a guy purely based on their looks.
 
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ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
I'm assuming that picture doesn't reflect your deformity. In that particular pic, you look very handsome.

If your deformity is as bad as you say (and I'm not doubting you) then I can only imagine how difficult it would be to date. Yes, there are women out there that can fall in love with you despite the deformity, but then you would have to meet them AND be attracted to them. With a shot up self esteem, things are going to be very hard but not impossible.

That being said, I like that picture too.
 
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jc972

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First, I'd like to say that it took some guts to say all that to complete strangers. That was some real courage. It's not fair of people to judge someone, much less for something they were born with. I know what it feels like for people to stare at scars. I have scars on my hands, arms, and one on the side of my face. I usually wear long sleeves for pictures and stuff and I grew sideburns to partially cover the one on my face. I walk the Earth with the attitude that if people don't like it they can look at somebody else. I firmly believe that a person who likes/loves you for who you are won't care at all. People can be shallow and unfair and it's not right. People who can look past it and like you for the kind of person you are are the ones I hope you find. Look at it this way, people can meet you and think "That guy ain't deformed, he's got a surgical scar. Millions of people have those and there's nothing abnormal about it." Or they can look down on it and act like they're perfect, but they ain't.
 
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